I know it's really easy to place blame in these situations, but honestly, the only blame goes to the paternal party. You probably had no friends, family was probably few and far between (except Holidays), and you just didn't have anyone to talk to. You needed support & comfort as well, and you got it within your children. It's not typical, and maybe even frowned upon to some; but i always tell people you CANNOT judge any situation until you've been in it. Your son will come around. It'll take awhile, so be patient with him. If you're still in contact with your husband, your son probably feels like you never "completely" left. Does that make sense? You will need to use the other siblings as your primary source to relay messages for now. Maybe they can convince him into family therapy (without dad of course)? They can start as the team of siblings all the while, you can be going to the same therapist alone. Start that way. Then eventually, when he's comfortable with the therapist, maybe they can introduce you into the sessions. A lot of people don't initially seek help because it's a stranger, with a perfect life judging me with my messed up one. Which is not the case. When i first started to read your post, it brought back my childhood memories. I watched my mom & step dad physically abuse each other for years. It did traumatized me. In relationships, i would flinch when there were sudden movement close to my face. Simple arguments scared me because i assumed violence was next up. I DO understand my mother stayed because financially, we would've never made it. I use to think money grew on bushes and we'd be OK anywhere. Now that I'm adult with children, i understand there were FREE services we could've used, and sometimes the alternative IS better than staying. I wish you all the best! If you would like someone to talk to, i am here! WE all are.
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Unfortunately, I understand. I came into my step kids lives early on. My stepson was 3 and step daughter was 6. I always got annoyed with step son because he would follow his dad everywhere. It was just annoying. And we got them all the time. Literally, more than their drug addicted, rat of a mother. She would send him with no underwear on, no shoes, etc... So, I took them in and did everything fairly. As they got a little older, we basically got a phone call to come get em, she couldn't feed them, an be we never sent them back. (She didn't put up a fight). Because of her, he failed 1st grade. How's that even happen? As he got older, he struggled in school. I helped all the time! I wanted him to succeed. However, these last 3 years have been hard. He's now 17 & a complete loser. He smokes pot ALL DAY LONG. Not in my home, cause I refuse that! He's dropped out of school. ( mind you, I recently washed my hands of him). Once he quit caring & it seemed like I was the only one putting in effort, I was done. I quit caring about his outcome. I did know early on, this would happen. Since school is virtual, and I have 4 biological kids to also help, I just stopped caring. He refused to do the work (I even offered to do the hard stuff for him! ). So we always explained to our children we cannot allow them to be bums. At 18, you're either going to continue your education or work. My 17 year old daughter has worked since she could, has kept her 1st job, has graduated early, etc. (She did just turn 18 & also just had a baby) but she went back to work after 3 weeks & practically raises her child alone. Has goals, morals, respect. He has none of the above. He won't learn basic life skills like how to cook, he barely cleans up his mess after using the microwave! Still leaves dirty clothes on floor in bathroom after the shower. He knows my expectations. When I'm around, he doesn't really talk much, but recently he met a girl. He's toxic with her. Side note, I dont like kids company in my house. I just don't. They don't pick up after themselves, they're loud, & my kids are enough. Having more stresses me out. His girlfriend was over & they were arguing. When things got heated, I snapped. I already told him she needed to leave by 1pm. Here it is 2pm & y'all are getting loud and almost physical. I started yelling for her to get the **** out my house. She was a little disrespectful but nothing major. Once she got out, things got worse. He went down to the laundry room where his dad was, and was talking smack about it & disrespected me to his father (I still don't know what was said to this day). Any how, things got physical. My step son came in the house & told me I needed to go get his dad, and that he was going to go **** him up. My daughter and I were so confused. What just happened? So we're trying to hold him back (he's 6'2 & 220lbs- I'm guessing- he's huge! ) he basically was dragging us. In the meantime he had a wooden board he was going to hit his father with. So instead of trying to hold him back, I ran down to laundry room and shut his father inside so my step son couldn't hurt him. After awhile they were arguing outside & I said I was going to go call the cops. (I really wasn't going to unless it got physical again). A tenant must've called because they came. To attempt to shorten this novel, they did nothing. They said we can't kick him out cause he's not 18 and/or emancipated. We still told him to get out & even told his sister to take him away from here. His biological sister & him are close so i figured she would take him with her to her house (nope! ). I told her to take him to his mother. Since he wants to mimic her behavior, he can go live with her. She refused him as well. So back he was stuck with us. All this because i said his little girlfriend wasn't allowed back over. Two days later, i was so scared he was going to hurt us, she ended up back over, although out of sight. About a week later, they argue again in public. This time the landlord saw it. At this point, he doesn't ever want her here. I was so scared my step son was going to hurt the landlord. We work as the only managers at a very small extended stay motel. There's a house built onto the end of the property in which we live. If the landlord wanted, he could kick us out. We'd be homeless & jobless. At this point, his father and i want him gone! He filed out 1 application (that my daughter did for him because he said he needs help *eye roll*). He must've assumed he had it in the bag, again, he has to life skills & refuses to learn them. I wouldn't hire him. He doesn't dress like a person wanting a job and he leaves his hair a mess. He looks like a thug and tries so hard to be one although he was not raised that way at all. We are out of options. We don't know our rights, we don't know how to file emancipation (it all says it is to get out of paying child support- nothing to do with unruly children). We can wait until he's 18 *another eye roll* but then what? He doesn't have anywhere to go, no income, nothing! So i waste my time away from my children filling out random applications, just to get him out! He literally makes my skin crawl. So i understand completely. The one thing i would say in your situation though, is switch roles. What if he treated your son the exact same way you treat his? Not saying you're doing anything wrong, just merely saying "think about that". What if you only got your son on weekends. What if your hubby wanted family pictures & did it with out your son? What if he only made his child snacks & didn't ask your son if he wanted any? It would hurt because of the luv you feel for your son. Children do absord all behavior. They see what we're doing. Even if they don't say anything or act differently. Just a simple thought. Then ask yourself, where do you see all of you in 5 years? Is it worth it? Or do you despise him so much, it's making you willing to leave for good? Hubby won't stop caring and babying his son quite possibly because he feels like he owes his son. I know my hubby does. He thinks he owes his kids cause their mom is so crappy. She never calls them, holidays, b-days, EVER. oh, i take that back. She does call them asking for money & everytime she overdoses.
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