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My 13 year old daughters best friend is becoming involved in some disturbing behaviour. Lying, nude pics, vaping, looking for acceptance anywhere she can find it (internet).
I’ve approached her mom twice over the last year. We are friends. I have given details on other things earlier, but not these new behaviours. Both times I made it clear to her that she should be looking at her daughters phone.
She was receptive and sounded thankful for the heads up.
Do I approach her again?
What is my responsibility as a parent to point out the things I know about her daughter?
My concern is first that my daughter obviously confided in me. And second, I don’t want something to happen to her friend, and I could have said something.
I also don’t know if it’s my place. I have reached out twice now.
Hi Curiousmom1,
It’s a tough situation you’re in, and I can understand you feeling uncertain and concerned. It's mpt am easy decision. You’re obviously a caring person who has a strong relationship with your daughter, and who also cares about both your daughter’s friend and her mother.
When someone confides in us, usually the best thing to do is to keep that confidence. But, there are some pretty important exceptions to that that most people agree on - like when someone is at serious risk of being hurt.
Based on the information in your post, these are some really serious concerns about your daughter’s best friend, and in particular the nude pics and internet behaviour could put her in danger. I recommend letting her mother know about these concerns.
I do want to acknowledge that this isn’t without potential consequences as a result - depending on the conversations that your daughter’s best friend may then have with her mother, this could impact on the relationships between your daughter and her friend, and you and the mother. But, the cost of not saying anything could also be pretty high.
I’m wondering if you’ve had a conversation with your daughter about secrets, and when things can be kept private versus when they do need to be shared? This can be an important conversation to have with children and teens (and it can be helpful to revisit this as they get older and the types of concerns change). If your daughter understands the reasons why sometimes things can’t be kept in confidence (and that it is about wanting to make sure people are safe and okay), she will feel more confident in deciding what to share and when, and is more likely to accept when things can’t be kept in private.
These conversations can also help make it easier for young people to let someone know when they know someone is in danger - because it creates a sense of permission to break a confidence when needed without feeling they are doing the wrong thing.
That’s something it’s important to remind yourself of as well. It can be really hard to go against the internal rules we have about keeping secrets, and can result in feelings of guilt and uncertainty. But, there is nothing wrong with sharing information to keep someone safe when that person is in danger.
Best wishes,
Linda
Linda is a psychologist experienced in working with people across the lifespan, including teenagers and their families ,in a variety of settings, and is ReachOut's Clinical Lead.
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