I have two 18yr old girls who are proving to be so hard at the moment, being a single mother for most of their lives I have never seen or wished this at all. I am now at breaking point. How do you manage 18yr old girls in today’s world? I have always been there for both of them but am now being told that I have always favoured one. I don’t believe in myself that I have ever done this but the one says I do. They are just constantly fighting between them, whether it be over clothes, boys,friends, vapes. There is always something. The one is sitting back and just copping everything as the other one is mainly doing everything as in her words “I like drama and being petty” this is now the one who is saying I favour the other child. I am at my wits end and I suspect that there is a lot of bad influence coming in from a so-called “best friend “ of whom I have heard bad things. I am trying to separate them but being 18 this proves to be so hard as a parent nowadays as I don’t believe we have many rights. All I want is for both my girls to succeed in life. Headspacegone Dear @Headspacegone, It can be so challenging trying to support both teens when they aren’t getting along. No wonder you are feeling overwhelmed. It also sounds like your daughter’s statement about you favouring one of them came out of the blue. I’m wondering if you have had the opportunity to talk to your daughter and try to understand why she feels that you favour her sister? This type of chat works best at a time when you’re both feeling calm and have time to talk things through. When you and your child have a very different perspective on something and you’re seeking to understand their perspective, it’s important to focus on listening and acknowledging what they are saying, without arguing against their interpretation of events. This doesn’t mean that you need to agree - it's okay to see things differently! Showing genuine interest in understanding why she feels this way can do two things - it can show her that you care about how she is feeling, and it can give you more information about what is happening for her. This might give you some ideas about ways you could help her feel supported. It may be a good idea to also have a separate chat with your other daughter, to make sure you are considering the perspective of them both. You mention that your daughters are constantly arguing, and it sounds like this is really exhausting for you. I’m wondering what would happen if you took a step back and left it to the two of them to negotiate these disagreements and their relationship? I’m not recommending that this is necessarily the right fit for you and your family - I don’t have enough information on the situation for this specific kind of advice. The reason I mention it is that sometimes the more involved the parent is in this situation, the less need teens feel to work things out, because they know that their parent will step in. Learning how to negotiate conflict independently is a really important skill for a young adult. Of course, sometimes it is necessary to be involved, such as when there is bullying or abusive behaviour. If things are feeling really stuck, and another option to consider is professional support such as family counselling - a professional could help you explore the family dynamic as a whole, and help the three of you work out how you can all get along better. Relationships Australia has services throughout Australia, or your GP may be able to recommend someone locally. Best wishes, Linda Linda is a psychologist experienced in working with people across the lifespan, including teenagers and their families, in a variety of settings, and is ReachOut's Clinical Lead. ... View more

Hi, my child had been self-harming sometimes. They have professional help for a range of mental health issues and I know they're in good hands there. However, I am struggling myself with the idea of their scars being a visible reminder to them (and everybody else) for the rest of their life. Just the thought of it can make me feel physically sick. There's so much guilt and regret and wishing we could turn back the time, and sorrow for them. Guilt that I couldn't protect them from it, sorrow for what they must have been feeling and agonising over, that they couldn't talk with me and rather cut themselves. I have asked several counsellors about how to deal with it as a parent, read countless forums and websites, but all of the practical advise I could find is how to support your self-harming child. There was nothing I could find in how to support myself, other than the usual stuff on self care. I am really at a loss here, sometimes can't sleep because the thoughts about their physical scars make my heart race. Nevermind the psychological scars... Then I'm thinking at least they are alive. But it doesn't help. How am I as a parent supposed to deal with my inner turmoil and find some peace? Gretchen Dear @Gretchen, It can be really heartbreaking for parents when a child is dealing with a significant mental health concern. Now that the immediate safety concern has been addressed for your child and she is receiving good care, it makes sense that you would want to process the impact of what has happened for you. It also sounds like a significant proportion of what you are experiencing is anxiety for the future - not that she will self-harm again, but of the impacts of previous self-harm. This is very understandable given what you have been through. You mention asking counsellors about how to cope, and I wonder whether these were brief conversations or if they were counselling sessions where there was time and space to explore the issue (and therefore provide more personalised support)? Some of what you are describing - the regret and sorrow - are common emotions that can occur when someone is grieving a loss. Often when we talk about grief we focus on bereavement and the grief that follows death, but grief can also arise in response to a loss of health, or an experience of suffering, or anything which involves some form of loss. Although your daughter is now in good hands, it does not remove the suffering that she, and you, have been through, and grief for this experience strikes me as a possible factor in what you are feeling now. There is no one right way to process grief. Some people find it helpful to have counselling, as this creates space to talk about what has happened and how they are feeling, as well as identify next steps. Others find that they prefer to move through grief without formal professional support. People deal with grief in a variety of ways, and grieving takes time. Many people find it helpful to have some way to express their grief and connect with what they have lost - sometimes this can be through writing, or art, or another meaningful activity. Beyond the sadness, and regret, you also talk about lying awake thinking about the scars. It sounds like the possible impact of these scars on your child’s future life and happiness really worries you. There are many people who have scars (both physical and psychological) and lead full, rich lives in which their scars are not a focus for them or others. I wonder if at the moment, when your mind is on the scars and your heart is racing, your thoughts are filled with ‘what ifs’ and the impact of the scars is ‘larger than life’. These types of thoughts and feelings are common in the aftermath of stressful events, and can make it hard to keep perspective, and hard to notice positives in your life right now. You might find it helpful to try some strategies to manage anxiety and stress. Although they aren’t specific to your situation, these types of skills can be relevant across a wide range of situations, because they are based on patterns in how people’s thoughts and emotions react to stress. If you’re finding they aren’t working for you, talking to a health professional can be helpful to help create a more personalised set of strategies. I also encourage you to be gentle with yourself - you’ve been through a lot, and recovery and healing take time. Best wishes, Linda Linda is a psychologist experienced in working with people across the lifespan, including teenagers and their families, in a variety of settings, and is ReachOut's Clinical Lead. ... View more

Hey there everyone I am pretty much at a loss and struggling not to sink any lower into my depression. My Miss17 is just awful and blames everything on her dad (my husband). He is stubborn and set in his ways so it makes the situation much worse. There is a blow up at our house at least once a week. It cuts me to my core. I try talking to Miss17 about it and I try talking to her dad about it but I just seem to make things worse. Sometimes I think that my daughter and I should just move out and find somewhere else to live together. Her older brother is also hurting at some of the things she says about her dad (and me). There is so much more to this situation but honestly I am so exhausted from it all that I don't even have the energy to write much more. I don't actually think anyone can help me but maybe putting this out there will do something. Sorry everyone. I am really not in a good way. BonnieMum  Dear @BonnieMum,  It is no wonder that you are feeling exhausted with how much work you have been putting in to try to help your family. It sounds like there is just so much pressure on you at the moment. In situations like these, when there is conflict in the family, and one of the parents feels that they need to try to defuse the situation or be a peacemaker, it can be really hard for that parent because often they find themselves caught in the middle and not really able to help the situation. Sometimes when they try to get family members to see the other person’s point of view, they may be accused of being ‘on the other side’ of the argument. I’m not sure if this resonates with you, but if it does it could be part of why you feel exhausted and disheartened. These can be the types of situations where family therapy can be a helpful approach. The role of family therapy is to allow members of the family to communicate better with each other, and notice and change patterns of behaviour which lead to problems in the family. The value of having a professional (who is external to the family) to lead discussions is that often family members will respond differently to a professional than they may be responding to you, because they expect the professional to be neutral and can be more willing to listen to alternative points of view. The process of therapy aims to allow family members to express their feelings and needs in a way which they aren’t currently able to do, and find ways to interact which don’t escalate conflict. If this is something that you think may be helpful to you and your family, you could see if this is something they would be willing to try. Your GP can advise on local services, or you could contact Relationships Australia (https://www.relationships.org.au/). Whether or not family therapy is something your family is willing to try, it’s important that you have support with what you are going through and to help you find ways to navigate the situation without becoming so drained. When you are feeling exhausted and in a situation where you are constantly on edge waiting for the next blow-up, it can be hard to focus energy on yourself and your own wellbeing. Given you’ve mentioned that you’re struggling with depression, I really encourage you to talk to your GP about seeing a mental health professional, if you aren’t already linked with professional support. I also wonder if your family is aware of how tough you are finding things, particularly your husband? It can be really hard to talk about your needs when the rest of the family is having a tough time. However, communication about needs is so vital to healthy relationships. There might be things your husband would be able to change or to help with, if he realised how you were feeling. Best wishes, Linda Linda is a psychologist experienced in working with people across the lifespan, including teenagers and their families, in a variety of settings, and is ReachOut's Clinical Lead. ... View more

My son turns 13 next month. He is a beautiful person but has always lacked self confidence. He has 3 or 4 close friends but constantly tells me how they consider him last, don't include him everything ("in" jokes, group chats etc.). It's like he can never see the positives, he searches for the negatives. Everyday is a story about some kids at school who did or said something to him. He makes it sound like he's always the victim. Whilst I am sure some of his concerns are valid, I feel like he is constantly looking for things to worry about and complain about. I always listen to his concerns but I also don't want to validate every negative thought. I constantly try to get him to look at the positives but I also don't want him to feel like I'm not supportive. Is anyone else's son like this? Mum333 Dear @Mum333, It sounds like you really want what’s best for your son, and his tendency to see the negative side of things is causing you a great deal of worry and frustration. You’re correct that focusing on negative aspects of things can contribute to a lack of self-confidence and a more pessimistic view of the world. Our minds can focus on the negative aspects of the world for a number of reasons. For example, we can find it easier to remember things which match our current mood - remembering happy events when we are feeling happy, or frightening events when we are feeling scared. Therefore, if someone is feeling sad or upset, they are more likely to remember the negative things that have happened, or to interpret ambiguous situations as more negative. It can also be hard to focus on positive things when someone is dealing with mental health difficulties like depression or anxiety. When someone is feeling anxious or insecure about a situation, they may try to identify anything that could go wrong, or any behaviour from others which could be threatening (which includes things which feel emotionally threatening, like being excluded or laughed at). This is part of the way that our brains have evolved - to be able to identify and respond to potential threats, and it can persist even in situations where it is unhelpful. It sounds like you’re already doing some helpful things when it comes to addressing this. You mentioned that you do listen to your son’s concerns (which is great, being listened to and understood is really important for wellbeing), but you also don't want to validate every thought, when some of these thoughts may be unhelpful ones. It’s absolutely okay not to validate interpretations of events that you don’t agree with, and instead focus on validating the emotion your son is feeling. As far as trying to get him to see the positives, as you have no doubt noticed, this can be tricky! Often, if we try to get people to notice the positives by pointing these out, this can turn into a conversation where each person takes the opposite view, and there might be times when it feels like the more you encourage a positive viewpoint the more your son insists that things are worse than you think. Often, it’s more effective if the person themselves challenges these negative ideas. We do have an article about challenging negative thoughts for young people.  I’m wondering if you’ve spoken with your son about the overall pattern you’ve noticed, of him noticing negative events more than positive events? This could sound something like “I’ve noticed that often when you’re talking about things that happen at school, you tend to talk about things that are wrong, and rarely mention anything positive. I’m worried that it seems like you’re feeling pretty down about things in general.”  It could be helpful to ask him whether there is anything he thinks would be helpful in order for him to feel better about things. You could also suggest trying some strategies together, like the one about challenging negative thoughts above, or identifying some forms of self-care he could do when feeling upset. Another option would be to talk to a psychologist or a counsellor. They can help your son work out what is going on, and help him begin to notice and tackle patterns of negative thinking. I’d particularly recommend them if it feels like other strategies aren’t working, if it seems like things are getting worse, or if it seems like this is impacting your son’s mood in general. Lastly, don’t forget to look after yourself as well! Listening to someone who is feeling pessimistic can be pretty emotionally draining, so make sure you are also taking time to do things that recharge your batteries. If you’re finding it hard to prioritise self-care, you can think of it as leading by example for your son - when we see the people around us use self-care as a way of balancing their emotions and maintaining wellbeing, we’re more likely to try it ourselves. Best wishes, Linda Linda is a psychologist experienced in working with people across the lifespan, including teenagers and their families, in a variety of settings, and is ReachOut's Clinical Lead. ... View more

Does anybody have this experience? You take your child to a psychologist via GP referral for all the typical 14-16 meltdown bad behavior related issues. Then the psychologist says he can't talk to you about your child's condition unless the child agrees? What you do when the child in anger does not agree? Worst the child uses the psychologist comments like " oh you are 15 now and will have opinions... and tells you off! The GP is supportive. So my question is what can we do as parents. mmjmmj Hi @mmjmmj, It can be such a frustrating and worrying experience when you don’t know what is happening for your child! While I can’t speak to the individual circumstances of what is happening for your teen, I thought it might be helpful to talk a bit about how confidentiality usually works with psychologists and therapists, and some ways in which parents can be involved. One of the most important factors in therapy working helpful, is the person being willing to talk to the psychologist about what is happening, and being actively involved in working on goals. With teens this can be particularly tricky, because it often isn’t their idea to attend therapy. So, it can take more time and effort to develop trust. If the teen knows that information they tell the therapist is going to be shared with the parents, then they will generally be reluctant to share, and will view the therapist as someone working for the parents, rather than working with the young person. This can make it hard to develop trust and can get in the way of working on goals in therapy. There are some times where information should be shared - for instance, when there is a risk of harm to the young person. These limitations of confidentiality should be discussed at the beginning of therapy. Of course, this doesn’t mean that the young person cannot choose to share information. Sometimes this is something which the teen might be more comfortable with a bit later on in therapy, when they have had time to work with the psychologist on ways to approach challenges like effective communication. Teens are also more likely to agree if there is a specific purpose in mind, rather than a general sharing of information. For instance, they might be more likely to agree to a conversation with the psychologist about how the parent can support their progress in therapy. You could introduce this idea by letting your teen know that you want to support them, and that having a conversation with the psychologist, yourself and the teen sometime might help you know how best to do that. Even if they don’t take you up on it for now, this might be something that they are willing to do later. You mention that your child has been quick to share their opinion, and it sounds like this has been challenging because they are using this as an opportunity to criticise you. I can understand this would be really challenging to listen to, and you could be feeling quite hurt. Teens definitely do have opinions, and developing their own beliefs and ideas is really important, but it doesn’t mean that their opinions are more valid than yours. When you’re being criticised or yelled at it can be tempting to argue and defend your own perspective. This is understandable, but it can also increase the chances that neither of you are really listening to the other person. Your teen might be expressing themselves in a way which focuses on their perspective, and which is unfair to you, but it could give you some insight into how they are thinking about things. Taking a moment to really listen to their perspective and acknowledge the emotion behind it, can help open up a genuine conversation between you, and mean your teen is more open to hearing your perspective on things. If your teen has only just started seeing the psychologist, then it is likely that so far they have focused on understanding and validating the teen’s experiences. As therapy continues, the focus can shift more to skills, and you might notice differences in your teens behaviour. For instance, if your teen has meltdowns because they feel overwhelmed and stressed, as they learn skills to manage their emotions, they are more likely to be able to respond flexibly and feel less overwhelmed. However, learning these things does take time. In the meantime, it can be helpful to keep an eye out for any small moments where things seem a little better, and to acknowledge these in a positive way - when you’re going through a tough time with your teen it’s easy for the moments of conflict to take the focus, so looking for opportunities for positive interactions is important. It’s also important to look after yourself - I’d encourage you to consider what support you currently have in place, and what you might find helpful right now - whether it’s chatting with a friend, taking time to do something you enjoy, or talking to a professional yourself. Best wishes, Linda Linda is a psychologist experienced in working with people across the lifespan, including teenagers and their families, in a variety of settings, and is ReachOut's Clinical Lead. ... View more

Hi, I am struggling with my 13 year old daughter who is the baby of 4. The last 18 months have been a rollercoaster we have ventured through inappropriate social media use, sexualised social media use, vaping, stealing alcohol (not sure if it was drunk) stealing money, taking others personal items, repeated prank calls to emergency services, physical and verbal fights at school which lead to on going suspensions and then exclusion, refusal to meet home expectations (which are very minimal), verbal abuse towards all other members of the family, roughness with others property (not yet to the point of damage but close), physically engaging with her brothers and father, consistently doing things in her own time with no regard to the impact on others, absconding from home and most recently self harm and refusing to go to school. Don’t get me wrong I still at times have my kind, compassionate and happy young lady engaging with me but more and more I have an angry, unregulated and mean young lady in front of me. Her externalised behavior impacts the whole household. It’s hard being the only one with a better understanding because I end up in the middle of each relationship. Her father becomes very unregulated because his view is she gets away with everything and should just do as told. Her brothers are anxious all the time because she verbally abuse them and if they stand up for themselves she will physically engage with them just because. Her sister has moved out. My husband and I (her father) fight when ever he lets her manipulate him into stopping to her level. I have made my way here today because even with my exhaustive skill set I am now at a loss. I am on my edge all the time, our home is not a nice place to be. I worry about her and the impact this has on my other children. I worry about my marriage. I acknowledge she requires different parenting than my other 3 children, I am very lenient in comparison, I give lots of warning and timely reminders, ignore a lot of secondary behaviors to address the primary behavior and pick my battles carefully but there are still expectations and consequences because that is the real world. e.g. be ready for school and in the car by this time or your privilege of a phone is taken because my employment which your making me late for supplies it. However when I hold up a boundary and initiate a consequence I am verbally abused. Today when I was faced once again with 45mins of not getting out of bed until the last minute and being told to shut the f*#k up and then had complete refusal I lost my cool, I ragged at husband calling her behavior names (she’s behaving like bi*ch, she’s just being an **bleep**) and then I screamed at her that she was consistently selfish, never considering anyone else except herself and causing unnecessary stress on everyone in the house. So currently I am home not at work and she is in her room not at school and I feel I have entered the ‘Sh*t Parent Club’ because this morning. Behaved like a teenager not an adult. dbenn81 Dear @dbenn81,  It sounds like losing your temper was really upsetting for you, and your confidence in yourself as a parent has taken a hit as a result. You sound like a caring parent, who is in a really demanding situation, and who has put a lot of work into understanding different approaches and adapting your parenting style to the situation, despite not being supported in this by your husband. When you think about yourself as a parent, it’s important to keep a balanced perspective. There are probably multiple times when you have felt like responding emotionally and have managed to respond calmly, and these are each just as important as the one time you weren’t able to stay calm. Based on what you described, it sounds like no-one is really acknowledging the efforts you are making and the hard work you are doing as a parent. That can be really tough and can amplify feelings of frustration and overwhelm. If you find that thoughts about not being a good parent keep coming up for you, it could be helpful to make a conscious effort to notice all the times that you do something well (perhaps even writing them down) and to make a point to acknowledge this for yourself. I think there’s a perception out there that good parents never react emotionally, and never lose their temper. But parenting, just like so many other things in life, isn’t about perfection. Sometimes there can be moments in the parenting relationship when things go wrong - you lose your temper and yell, or you miss a cue that your child wants to talk, or a conversation doesn’t go well. What can really make a difference in the relationship between you and your child is how you recover when there has been a moment or conflict or of difficulty between you. This can become an opportunity for growth - modelling for your teen how to repair a relationship when there has been a conflict can be something which helps them in their relationships with others. This isn’t about apologising for being upset, but apologising for how these emotions were expressed in the moment. I also wanted to talk about expressing frustration when it comes to parenting. I’m not sure if this applies to you or not, but it is something which some parents find a challenge, so I thought it worth mentioning. You show good awareness that screaming at your daughter as a way of expressing frustration isn’t helpful. But, this doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t express frustration at all. Sometimes parents feel that they have to be endlessly patient with teens and never express the ways that the young person’s behaviour is affecting them. Sometimes the build-up of this unexpressed emotion can increase the chances that it will come spilling out in unplanned ways. Teens can sometimes be oblivious to the way they make others feel. This isn’t true all of the time, and isn’t a sign they don’t care, but because teens are going through a period of change and of growth, they are often focused on their internal experiences, and may require prompting to realise how others are feeling. So, it’s important to take opportunities to express your emotions and needs to your teen in a healthy way. It’s best to choose a time when your teen isn’t busy or stressed, and when things are relatively calm for you. An example of something you might say is “ When you swear at me in the mornings and refuse to get out of bed, I feel frustrated and disrespected.” However, the words should be based on what comes naturally and feels true for you. This can also be an opportunity to explore how your daughter feels in the mornings, and what might be causing her to lash out at these times. However, even if your daughter doesn’t feel ready to talk about how she is feeling, modelling how to express how you are feeling can increase the chances she will share with you when she is ready. Aside from the recent event, in reading your story, I am struck by just how challenging things must be at the moment. You don’t mention if you are accessing any professional support. If you aren’t, I would recommend talking to someone - your GP can be a good place to start. Getting some professional support for your daughter (if she doesn’t already have this) would be a good way to begin to identify and address what is happening for her which is making things so tough and causing her to react this way to you and the rest of the family. If she isn’t willing to talk to someone, I’d still recommend support for you as her parent. It sounds like you are feeling really unsupported, and having someone to talk through the current parenting challenges and the impact they are having on you could really help you feel less stressed. Another option is family counselling. It sounds like one of the things which is adding to the challenge at the moment, is the relationship between your daughter and husband, and the differences in your approach to parenting. Family counselling focuses on finding ways for families to work together to improve their relationships. One of the really common issues they can help families navigate is the experience of one family member being put ‘in the middle’ of conflict. However, it would require everyone to feel willing to give it a try. Relationships Australia may have services close to you, or you can look for services here: https://www.familyrelationships.gov.au/find-local-help. Best wishes, Linda Linda is a psychologist experienced in working with people across the lifespan, including teenagers and their families, in a variety of settings, and is ReachOut's Clinical Lead. ... View more

I am truly hating this teen stage of being a parent. My 16 ½ yr old daughter has had a very difficult 4yrs with bullying and mental health issues as a result. I have been there as a sole parent throughout it all supporting her, being on suicide watch, caring for her, driving 3hrs to a therapist, you name it I've been there. You would think this was my issue (well it was for a long time and still is on my mind but thankfully through those dark days I hope). My issue is she is so sneaky, dishonest, lies to my face - I have found a vape in her room and she still denies she is vaping, is nasty, disrespectful and as a result I feel so disconnected from her. I get a lot of these behaviours are expected teen stuff, but how do I cope with the paranoid, catastrophising thoughts I have and more than anything the hurt and rejection I feel pretty much daily? Yes, I do have counselling but it just doesn't seem to help. Yes I am trying to focus on my self-care but it is really hard when you go somewhere, come home feeling great and then wham, Ms Jekyll is waiting for me at home to remind me that feeling happy and hopeful does not feature in my life and I come crashing down to reality. I've heard so many times she'll grow up. She'll realise one day what she did and say sorry. Ra ra ra. Does not help. I am exhausted. I feel shattered and doubt everything I do/say now as a mum. Ajsmumma Dear @Ajsmumma, With everything that you have been through as a parent over the last four years, how heartbreaking that you are also having to deal with this attitude from your daughter as well. It sounds like you’ve really reached your limit, and aren’t sure what else you can do to manage this frustration and sadness. It sounds like you have tried a number of things to help you cope. A lot of parents struggle with self-care, so it is impressive that you do take the time for this. Even though the moments of feeling happy and hopeful don’t last, it is a positive sign that you can feel this way even in fleeting moments. You mention that you are doing counselling but it is not working. It can be really tough when you put the time and effort into counselling and it doesn’t work out. I would like to explore that a little more, because it can actually be really common to have this experience, but it isn’t always talked about. I'm not sure if you’ve let your counsellor know that you’re not noticing an improvement as a result of counselling. If you haven’t this can actually be a helpful place to start. Even though this conversation can feel awkward, it is an important one. Therapy approaches aren’t one size fits all, but instead can be a process of individual trial and error and getting feedback from you can help the counsellor identify how to adapt their approach, or perhaps even try a different approach altogether which might be more helpful for you. If you feel that the counsellor you are seeing hasn’t been responsive to feedback, or just isn’t the right person for you, then it is absolutely okay to see someone else. Different therapists will have different therapeutic approaches, and also personal rapport is an important part of counselling - if someone’s style doesn’t suit you or their approach isn’t one which helps you gain new perspective then it can be helpful to try someone else. When looking for a new counsellor or psychologist, it can be helpful to ask them about their approach before the first session, as this can give you a sense of how they work, and whether they will offer something different to what you have already tried. Some people also find that they benefit more from peer based support. Carer peer workers have lived experience of caring for a loved one with mental health difficulties, and another way of accessing peer support is via support groups. Your local hospital or community mental health team may be able to advise on local services, or you may find it helpful to contact the Family & Carer Mental Health Program (in NSW, other programs exist in other states). Because the main concern at present seems to be the relationship between you and your daughter and how she responds to you, family counselling is another option, if you think she would attend. Family counselling can help families find new ways of responding to each other, and strengthen relationships. Having you both talk together with the therapist facilitating the conversation and helping keep things on track may help your daughter understand your perspective, and give you insights on how best to respond when you are feeling rejected by her. All of these approaches do take some time, and I know that this is hard when you have already been through so much. It’s clear from your post you are a really caring parent who has put a lot of energy into supporting your daughter. When you have those moments of doubting yourself, I encourage you to remember that even the best of parents can experience these kinds of challenges, and to continue to seek support. Best wishes, Linda Linda is a psychologist experienced in working with people across the lifespan, including teenagers and their families, in a variety of settings, and is ReachOut's Clinical Lead.   ... View more

Hi there, I have read every article I can find about school refusal. Most of them have some lovely advice, but it really doesn't make a difference whether you have a consistent morning routine in the face of panic attacks at the thought of putting the uniform on. We are so compassionate and listen to her distress, but when it comes down to it, she only has the rational thinking ability of a 13 year old on her best days, and less when she is constantly in fight or flight. As her parents, we can see the damage that is being caused by her school refusal. When she had an eating disorder, we took control and made all her food choices because she wasn't capable of making them herself. So now with school, should we be doing the same thing? If we ask her to identify worries, she comes up blank. If we ask her what she wants her life to be like, she comes up blank. We can see the things she can't. My question is - will it make her social anxiety worse if we force her to attend? I know she will fight it, and she will have a panic attack getting out of the car. But last term, she started slow and built up to a full day, made friends and was much happier. Now she's back to square one. PS She also says she doesn't do psychology. She is not interested in (or capable of?) introspection. Thanks for your advice! heythere Dear @heythere  You are obviously very caring and involved parents, and it is really fantastic that you have been proactive in reading articles and trying different approaches. It must be frustrating that these have not proved effective for your daughter. Things like having a consistent routine can be helpful and part of the picture for many teens, but as you have identified, these steps aren’t always enough. Addressing school refusal often involves working to address the underlying concern, because otherwise it tends to keep the school refusal behaviour going. You’ve obviously tried to explore your daughter’s worries with her, but it sounds like she hasn’t been able to identify what is happening for her. This is not uncommon. Individuals vary in how well they can reflect on their thoughts, and for some people who are feeling very anxious, the anxiety itself gets in the way of identifying specific thoughts. There is also a developmental aspect to this - children and younger teens tend to find introspection more difficult. I want to acknowledge that it sounds like you have done an amazing job supporting your daughter through something very challenging. In addition to the difficulties with attending school, you mention that she has also experienced an eating disorder. Eating disorders can be really tricky to address, and it sounds like it is not a current concern for her at the moment, suggesting you were able to work through this with her. There are some similarities between dealing with school refusal and eating disorders (as well as differences). In particular, in both cases a team approach can be helpful, and in both cases it is important to get professional support. While sometimes school refusal can be mild, if she is having regular panic attacks, then it is at a level where it is important to get input from a professional. Avoiding a situation which causes symptoms of anxiety is really common. Often, this avoidance can contribute to anxiety worsening over time. Professional approaches to anxiety do include encouraging the person to face the feared situation (like school). However, it is a balancing act to not encourage avoidance, while not overwhelming the person by placing them in a situation where their anxiety is so intense they are unable to function. Too much exposure to the feared situation too quickly can cause increased distress and worsening symptoms. Identifying where this balance sits and how much is too much is something that requires a professional working specifically with your daughter’s situation. This is particularly important given that your daughter has a history of disordered eating, as stress about school could increase the risk of eating symptoms coming up for her again. I understand she is not keen to see a psychologist, and this is really understandable when we consider that she finds introspection difficult and uncomfortable. There can be more to seeing a professional than introspection. For instance, it may be more helpful to focus on behavioural strategies, or on exploring your daughter’s strengths. If seeing a professional is something that really isn’t an option for your daughter right now, you could also consider seeing someone yourself, who can provide support to you in your interactions with her. Providing support to someone who is going through a tough time can be incredibly draining, and parents often find that they are second-guessing all their interactions. Having a third party who can talk through how things are going and help you problem-solve can help you feel supported, as well as helping you decide on the best course of action. Best wishes, Linda Linda is a psychologist experienced in working with people across the lifespan, including teenagers and their families, in a variety of settings, and is ReachOut's Clinical Lead. ... View more

My 11 year old feels like he has turned into an angry teen. He doesn’t want to do anything that isn’t gaming. He has not been doing school work. Simply refuses to participate. He struggles and battles to do any activities off screen with me. Even all of his other interests. He is quick to blame everyone else and can’t hold himself accountable even if it is him that may have started an issue. He is swearing very rude words and being aggressive and violent and wrecking things at school and now also at home. I’m a single mum and need help and guidance as he is headed down a very dangerous scary path and just seems like he has given up on morals or listening to reason or trying. Positivechange Dear @Positivechange, It sounds like a really difficult and frightening situation for you to be in. It’s really encouraging that you are seeking help and support. Although it may feel overwhelming that this is happening when your son is still so young, there is an opportunity to address this behaviour early before it becomes entrenched. With this type of big change in behaviour, particularly when it involves aggression, I would really recommend getting an assessment from a professional. Your GP is a good place to start, and they may also recommend seeing a pediatrician or psychologist. They will be able to ask more questions about what you have noticed, which can help them work out what might be triggering this behaviour, and provide you with much more personalised suggestions. It sounds like it has been really difficult to talk with your son, because he is responding defensively, or blaming others. With the behaviour you describe, he’s probably getting in trouble both at school and home pretty often, and sometimes teens will shut down conversations because they don’t want to feel blamed or be judged. This can be really frustrating for parents who are trying to address concerning behaviour. You mention that he struggles to do activities off-screen with you. I don’t know if you’ve explored spending some time with him with the two of you gaming together? Seeking to understand his interests can be a great way to build rapport and for him to be more open to having conversations about other things. Sometimes anger and aggression happens because a young person is feeling overwhelmed or distressed or scared. If there are times when your son is a bit calmer and more willing to talk, asking about how he is finding school, or how he is feeling (instead of trying to encourage behaviour change) could be a helpful way to approach things. He might also be more willing to talk to someone else (sometimes it can be hard to share with parents!) such as a family friend, a teacher, or even talking to someone he does not know (a professional). Offering the option to talk to someone can be helpful as a way of letting your son know you are interested in his perspective, even if he does not take you up on it right now.. I want to acknowledge how frightening it can be when someone is behaving aggressively, and that it can be really helpful to have support when going through something like this. A lot of parents find that having seeing a counsellor or psychologist themselves can help provide a place for them to talk through how they are feeling, understand patterns of behaviour, and discuss parenting strategies. Your GP should be able to help you access local services. Positivechange, I know that it can take a bit of time to access professional support, and just getting by each day may feel like a challenge right now. I encourage you to think about small ways you can look after yourself at the moment. It’s easy to lose sight of this when you’ve focused on your child, but small steps like taking a few minutes to do a breathing exercise, having a coffee with friends, or going for a daily walk can make a big difference in how you’re feeling and the energy you have to respond to the situation. Best wishes, Linda Linda is a psychologist experienced in working with people across the lifespan, including teenagers and their families, in a variety of settings, and is ReachOut's Clinical Lead. ... View more

I'm sick of explaining to my kids the dangers of continuously utilizing the internet and a cell phone. Youngsters nowadays forget what it's like to play outside and with actual human pals rather than constantly playing with bots or internet friends. What should I do to keep them from using cell phones? terrykrobertson Dear @terrykrobertson, I can really feel your frustration - it sounds like this is an ongoing issue which you’ve tried to talk to your kids about, but you feel like they just aren’t listening to you. This brings up two issues - both of which are challenges which a lot of parents face with their teenagers. The first is mobile phones and the second is about communication and young people being willing to listen to parents. Finding that your teens don’t follow your advice (or even do the opposite) can be something that happens in relation to a number of things - not just phones, but also school, sleep, friendships, and a wide range of topics. This can feel really frustrating to parents, and it is also a normal part of teen development to pay less attention to their parents than they did when they were younger. It’s part of a process where young people develop their own adult identity and decision making skills, by listening to a range of new voices (including peers) and placing less emphasis on parent’s opinions. Many young people are also feeling a strong desire to be independent at this stage in their life, so they often respond better to information when it does not come in the form of advice or instruction. This stage doesn’t last forever, but it can be really difficult for parents while it does. Given these challenges, many parents find themselves wondering how they can communicate with their teens so that they listen. One of the things that is important to many young people is feeling like someone is listening to them and understanding their perspective. You may find it helpful to seek to understand what it is about spending time on their phones and the internet which your kids find valuable. In order for them to be willing to talk to you about this, it’s important to approach it with genuine willingness to listen and hold back on judgement or advice. It doesn't mean you need to agree with them, but the goal is to understand how they see things. Some questions you might ask include “What do you like to do online?”; “What’s your favourite thing about your phone?”; “How does the internet help you stay connected?” Questions like “Why do you spend so much time on your phone?” are more likely to get a defensive response. I know your goal is for your teens to spend less time on their phones, so asking them what they enjoy about it may seem counterintuitive. However, if you’re willing to listen to what they value about internet time, they may also be willing to share things they don’t like so much. For instance, they might identify that sometimes they have difficulty getting to sleep, or that spending too much time on social media can make them compare themselves to others and feel they don’t measure up. If they are the one to identify the problem, they are far more likely to be willing to try out some solutions (such as limiting time spent on social media, or no phones before bed). The constant use of phones and other devices is a really common topic that concerns parents of teens today. There have been such rapid shifts in the way that technology is used and how pervasive it is. The relationship we had to technology growing up is very different to how today’s teenagers view it. Because of this, it can be hard for parents to understand how essential access to the internet can feel to their children. For instance, teens may be using social media to stay connected with their friends. Not being able to access the internet may create isolation, because the rest of the group may have been chatting online, leaving them ‘out of the loop’ and less likely to be included in face to face gatherings. This doesn’t mean that concerns about excessive internet use aren’t valid, but understanding why teens want to be connected to their phones can also help you work with them to identify how much is too much phone use. I also wanted to respond to your concern about your kids not playing outside or spending time with friends. Often, when trying to change behaviour, focusing on doing more of the ‘helpful’ activity is more successful than directly trying to reduce the ‘unhelpful’ activity (and it can still result in change, since there are only so many hours in a day). So, if you are worried that your kids aren't getting much outside time or physical activity, then this is something worth talking about separate from the issue of phones. This could be a good opportunity to do an activity together - perhaps going for an afternoon walk together, or playing a sport. It can help to tailor this to your child’s interests and be flexible (e.g. they may not want to commit to a sport, but be willing to start with a short 10 minute walk to get some fresh air). Lastly, I want to acknowledge that parenting teenagers can be tiring! It can be hard to feel like you are having the same conversation repeatedly and not getting anywhere, and to also feel like the knowledge that you do have is not being recognised and valued by your kids. The fact that you have kept trying is a sign of how engaged and caring a parent you are. It’s important to make sure that you’re looking after yourself as well. Often parents find that they spend so much time concerned about their kids, that they don’t also make time to look after themselves. Combined with the challenges of parenting this can lead to a sense of fatigue and irritability. Self-care looks a little different for everyone, but activities like talking to friends, finding time for hobbies and getting exercise can help support your wellbeing, so that you are in the best possible shape to support your kids. Best wishes, Linda Linda is a psychologist experienced in working with people across the lifespan, including teenagers and their families, in a variety of settings, and is ReachOut's Clinical Lead. ... View more

Hello we have previously caught my 14 yr old son vaping and sat down with him to explain the dangers to him regarding his health. We thought that he had stopped for a couple of months but now have been told from his school today that the rumour is he is selling them. We have no proof but he has only just started going to a new friend's house before and after school and I fear that they may be right and he is in fact selling them. If caught he will be expelled. I don't know what to do. My husband and I will be speaking to him again regarding the health issues associated with vaping and the fact it's also illegal. He is not the easiest to talk to either, he says absolutely nothing and walks off and says something like here we go, another life lecture. He started a new school last year which didn't work out and I believe that's where the vaping started. He changed school in term 4 last year and has only just started to want to go to this new friends house in the last 2 weeks I'm so concerned regarding his health and those he is selling them to. I’m at my wits end on how to handle this and hope someone here may have some advice please Sandee Hi @Sandee, How upsetting it must have been to have the school contact you and raise these concerns. It’s great that you want to make sure your son knows about the health and legal risks of vaping, this is important information for him to have. It sounds like in the past he has been reluctant to listen to information and advice - this is a pretty common experience with teens. I’m not sure if he’s difficult to talk to in general, or if he’s specifically reluctant to talk about this. If you find that he’s been harder to communicate with in general recently, then spending some time focusing on the relationship can be important - the more open and positive communication there is between you, the more willing he will be to talk about the vaping concerns. There are some tips on effective communication with teens here. I’m also curious because you mention that this is based on a rumour, but one which you worry is true. It’s important not to disregard your intuition - you know your son best, and it can be helpful to ask yourself what you notice in your son’s behaviour that worries you. You mention him going to a friend’s house before and after school, but I am wondering if there are other things about his mood or behaviour that have been concerning you? If you’ve noticed things that are worrying you then it might be that your son is more willing to talk about these changes than about vaping directly. It can be a good place to begin to explore what is happening for him. This can also be helpful because teens can use substances for a variety of reasons - sometimes it is about curiosity, or about fitting in with peers, or sometimes it is a way of managing stress. Starting a new school and having it not work out and changing schools in Term 4 sounds very stressful, and I’m wondering if your son might be experiencing some challenges with his wellbeing or friendships that prompted the changes in school? If your son is open to it, speaking to a professional like a psychologist or counsellor might be helpful for him. They can provide a different perspective and your son might feel more comfortable talking to someone other than a parent. It can also be helpful for teens to have clear boundaries and expectations, including knowing what the consequences will be if they break the rules. While at the moment you only have the rumour shared by the school, it is better to be prepared in case you do find him vaping, so that you not only have time to think about what appropriate consequences would be, but are also able to clearly communicate these to him. You might find this article about family rules helpful. Best wishes, Linda Linda is a psychologist experienced in working with people across the lifespan, including teenagers and their families, in a variety of settings, and is ReachOut's Clinical Lead. ... View more

My daughter has recently been diagnosed with BPD. She is commencing DBT therapy this week after 9 months of general therapy. She will be starting year 11 in a few weeks after missing most of Year 10 due to depression and anxiety and what we now know is BPD. She has got into a pattern of staying up on her phone and watching tv until 3 am then sleeping most of the day. In preparation for school starting in 2 weeks we have changed mobile providers to one that has the ability for us to turn data off and we switch off the internet. Every night when the internet is turned off she gets in a rage. She sits on our bed and talks loudly or plays music to stop us sleeping. Last night she kept leaving the fridge open so it beeps constantly and was banging a glass on the bench repeatedly. She screamed at me for 2 hours and slapped me in the face. We have recently built a new house and she was going around the house kicking and damaging the walls. I eventually managed to quiet her down at 2am after my husband threatened to wipe her phone which shocked her to the point of rocking on the floor weeping. I don’t know what to do, I strongly believe that she needs to learn to sleep at night and be able to wake up at 7am for school but she just tries to punish us and cannot be reasoned with. I am feeling very alone right now when the conflict gets bad my husband escalates things and is unable to use strategies that our counsellor has recommended. I feel forced to protect her which just makes things worse. We tried to talking with her and coming up with a compromise, but she refused to engage, giving us little choice. I have been feeling like we need to stand our ground but it is making things worse. We are getting some support but the practical what to do is tricky when conflict erupts in a matter of seconds and escalates for hours. We need to learn some de-escalation strategies. enorman Dear @enorman,  It sounds like an incredibly frustrating and exhausting situation for you, your husband and your daughter. It’s reassuring to hear that she will be starting Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), since this is a treatment which is designed to help people develop skills to manage their emotions so that there aren’t such big reactions when things don’t go their way. This isn’t a process which happens overnight, but with continued treatment people generally find there is a change in how they feel and behave - I’d expect that your daughter being able to respond more calmly would have a big impact on your family. I’m not sure how much opportunity you have had to speak with your daughter’s new therapist or treating team, but it would be helpful to ask about how you can best support her progress in therapy - which would include discussing how to respond when she can’t be calmed down or is highly distressed.  You might be able to practice some of the skills she is learning with her, as a way of providing support and staying connected to her experiences. However, it’s important for teens to have input into how involved a parent is in the therapy process - otherwise they can feel they don’t have privacy and this can make them more reluctant to engage with therapy.  You mention that you and your husband aren’t on the same page at the moment. This is really understandable as we all have our individual responses to such a difficult and stressful situation, and keeping calm under pressure and sticking to a plan can be very hard. However, I know that it must make things much harder for you. Have the two of you been able to talk about this once the moment has passed and your daughter is calm?  I imagine that both of you feel a lot of pressure to respond in the moment and ‘fix’ things. I’m not sure if your husband intends to stay calm but is struggling to do so, or if he feels his approach is a helpful one. Talking with each other and understanding each other’s perspectives on this could help to be able to work together, because at the moment it sounds like this isn’t happening.  Staying calm in such an intense situation can be really hard - it could be helpful to explore with your husband whether there are ways you can support each other through this - whether it is having a plan where one of you can step out for a moment when feeling overwhelmed, or working on strategies for staying calm together.  I also wanted to share this video with you of parents talking about staying calm during conflict. We also have a resource about calming an angry teen here. Importantly, it includes a section on staying safe, which is important to keep in mind if your daughter becomes physically aggressive again.  Because this resource is written for a broad range of parents responding to an angry teen, it isn’t personalised for your daughter’s situation, so I do encourage you to speak with her new therapist about whether there are particular approaches they would recommend. You might also find it helpful to have a look at the resources available via Project Air (click on ‘Families, Partners and Carers’ on that page) which is focussed on providing support for BPD. Lastly, don’t forget to take a moment to think about how you can look after yourself. I know it is really hard when you are doing so much to look after your daughter, but it makes so much of a difference in your ability to care for others when you take the time to look after your own emotional wellbeing. There is a resource on this on the Project Air page I linked to as well. Best wishes, Linda Linda is a psychologist experienced in working with people across the lifespan, including teenagers and their families, in a variety of settings, and is ReachOut's Clinical Lead. ... View more

I have a 13yo daughter that I'm starting to get a little bit concerned about. She is competitive, obsessive, stubborn and quite the risk taker, and while these traits have lead to her being a very intrinsically driven individual, she is starting to overdo it and create problems for herself. She runs cross country, but we live on a property in Central QLD so she doesn't have access to a sports coach or team etc, and neither her father nor I ever did formalised, structured or competitive sports so we've got no idea what we're doing. Instead, she chooses her own running/strength workout from a pretty hefty database she has made up/collected from events and training camps. She sees other kids on Fridays for a sports club afternoon during school term and sometimes stays over/kids stay over here on the weekends, so she isn't short on social time (she refuses to go to a boarding school, which is what most kids her age do out here). The issue now is that this kid literally won't take a break. She'll go for a run/workout 2-3 times a day, everyday of the week. I don't know how to control her. I tell or ask her to not go out, we've explained overtraining to her, we've explained that if she's sore, she needs to rest, we've showed her videos. I know she's at an age where they start to rebel and do the opposite of what you tell them. But I'm seriously concerned she's going to hurt herself. I've tried to ask her why she won't break. She just says that she doesn't want to, or that she wants to be good, or it feels wrong to miss a session. I know I should be happy that she's not a kid that's stuck inside doing nothing, but she is becoming overly obsessive with it. I'm not sure what to do with her. Is there someone I should see? Should I take her to see? Or should I just be putting my foot down and saying no and don't allow any other option? Should we just try to fill up her day so that there isn't time to train on some days? We could literally take her for a roadtrip on the weekend and she'll still find a way to get two runs in somewhere. Her father has tried getting her to write a weekly training plan and slowly cutting back on how much she runs, but she won't hear about it (she can be very stubborn). This probably sounds like a sports problem but I think it's more a coming of age and her learning to manage her expectations and limitations, but I don't know how to help her figure them out before she hurts herself. There haven't been any other behavioural changes, she's still keen to help with chores, happily has second servings at mealtimes, there's no secretiveness around eating and she doesn't really have social media. She fractured her ankle at the start of the year (maybe February?), tripping on a run. I only found out when i noticed the bruising when she went swimming (she wore socks otherwise) and took her to a GP then. They talked to her about overtraining but I'm not sure it really had much of an affect at all. Is there something else they can do? Our closest GP is a few hours away, but I'm happy to take her (she probably won't be happy to go). She has a health teacher (she is distance ed), and he has tried to encourage a few rest days etc., gone through what healthy exercise and activity is, but again, she just ignores it all (she can be very stubborn once she's got an idea in her head). My laptop doesn't have a microphone or webcam, is it possible to engage with someone via a chat situation? KR5555 Hi @KR5555, You’re obviously a very caring and attentive parent, and it is understandable that you are feeling worried about your daughter. Exercise can be a wonderful habit to support physical wellbeing, but any activity when done too much and in an inflexible way can be harmful, as you have noticed. It’s great to hear that you have already taken some steps to address your concern by providing her with information about the risks of over-training, and when the behaviour continued by asking her why she feels she cannot take a break from training, as well as by asking her to change her behaviour. Even though she hasn’t been willing to stop training so much, you’ve actually done a great job with your initial response. By trying these initial approaches, it’s helped provide some information about what might be happening. Based on your daughter saying that she wants to be good or that it feels wrong to miss a session, it seems that exercising is connected with how your daughter is feeling emotionally or with her sense of self-worth at the moment, rather than it being based simply on enjoyment. It also sounds like she is generally willing to do things that you ask of her (given you haven’t mentioned any other issues with her behaviour). So, the fact that she has not been willing to stop or reduce training also suggests that it is a sign something is going on emotionally for her. Understanding what this means for your daughter in detail and whether she has an underlying mental health concern is something which would require an assessment from a mental health professional (such as a psychologist). This is because a particular behaviour can mean different things for different people, and working out how a pattern of behaviour fits together to give a picture of someone’s emotional wellbeing is something that a mental health professional can do. This would also allow the professional to identify the most helpful options from here - addressing the underlying cause of the behaviour can help your daughter feel able to reduce her exercise. This could involve therapy for your daughter, but could also include providing you and her father with personalised advice on how you can best support her. Most mental health professionals do tele-health, but talking to the GP for a referral is a good first step. It’s important to let the GP know what is worrying you about your daughter’s behaviour, so that they can understand your concerns and help work out the best options. In the meantime, one of the best things you can do is keep the lines of communication open. It’s really fantastic to hear that your daughter’s behaviour in general hasn’t changed and she still does chores, eats regular meals and socialises with friends. These all indicate positive things about her wellbeing. Sometimes when a teen is engaging in behaviour which is worrying to parents, they can begin to withdraw a little from their parents because they don’t want to have continued conversations where the parent is trying to get them to change. It can be really helpful to consider whether there are positive or even neutral topics other than exercise that you and your daughter can talk about, and to take the opportunity to have positive and friendly conversations as much as possible, or to do enjoyable activities together. I know that this is a challenging and worrying situation for you. It seems like you’ve been doing a great job so far, and seeking help early as you are doing is a really positive sign. Best wishes, Linda Linda is a psychologist experienced in working with people across the lifespan, including teenagers and their families, in a variety of settings, and is ReachOut's Clinical Lead. ... View more

Hello, I feel a bit out of place coming for advice because my daughters are both actually very good & responsible young ladies who get straight A's, have jobs & both in marching band and do very well. My problem is with my youngest. She is very blunt & critical of others especially me. When anyone tried to point this out to her she always has an excuse or days she's joking. She says I'm toxic and a gaslighter. She is a very headstrong & independent person but seems to see herself as better than others, her ideas are always better, everyone else is stupid and she's always right even when she knows she is wrong she will still argue about something til u give up. I try my best to be involved as much as they allow me to be. If I ask questions they get mad & shut me out say I'm being nosy and annoying but yet if I leave them be and allow them privacy then she says I don't care enough to get to know her. She pays for her own phone bill and so pays for her car & insurance so I really can't justify taking either of those away for punishment because she pays for them and also she shares the car with her older sister for time being because she only has a permit and my oldest car broke down but she has a license and drives them both to work & school. The youngest REFUSES to help around the house either ANYTHING! My oldest has been good about cleaning etc. She's also been more than willing to help pay bills a few times when I couldn't work due to having surgery. The youngest brought me home food a couple nights the week I had surgery because I couldn't do much and she got me drinks a few times. You'd think she gave me the moon though on a crystal platter everyday of her life. She also has guilt tripped me now for the 1 time she helped pay the electric bill. her sister has helped many times without guilt tripping. I get no child support. Their dad hasn't really been involved for the past several years and my youngest was never particularly close to him either. At one time I was working 3 jobs to make ends meet but have since cut back to one because I can't keep killing myself working to death. I don't have a boyfriend or many friends and I do nothing outside of going to work and coming home. I go to all of their band performances and encourage them in whatever they do. She doesn't do drugs or smoke but recently took a bottle of vodka and drank it all without even asking (I probably wouldn't let her because she's a minor but still the principal of the matter being she didn't ask to drink something that didn't belong to her). I told her she owes me the cost of replacing it and she refuses. She acts like I never try to be involved or get to know her yet when I do she gets irritated and says I'm too nosy and annoying and it's none of my business. She constantly leaves without asking or even letting me know where she's going or with who. she only hangs out with 1 girl so it's not hard to figure out but she doesn't get that I'm responsible for her and I need to know her whereabouts. her response is that I don't always tell her where I'm going or who with. Well I'm the adult and if I was to knock on her door I'd get barked at and I don't really even go anywhere but work and store occasionally. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. I have bent over backwards and busted my tail for my girls and have no problem doing so cuz that's what a mother should do. I do my best to talk to them and let them express themselves, I try not to be a nag and always praise them for job well done. I constantly brag on them and thank them for helping me. I may not do it as often as I should and maybe don't talk to them or spend 1 on 1 time as much as I should but its hard when I'm working full time and she wants nothing to do with me when we're both home and able to spend time. My oldest had a small phase at this age but wasn't as rude and disrespectful as my youngest is being. She says I don't raise her, she raises herself and I treat her like an adult but she acts like she wants that and she's more responsible than many adults I know! I raise them to be independent and I'm glad for that because I feel it's important but now I feel she resents me for it? Nothing I do is ever good enough or right or goes unnoticed and unappreciated but she says I'm the one who acts that way. I want so badly to connect with her and figure out if this is an underlying issue we need to address or what exactly it is but she bucks me at every turn. I'm at a complete loss and I'm devastated and wondering where I went wrong and what to do from here. mmpettit85 Dear @mmpettit85, I hope you don’t mind that I have posted an abbreviated version of your post here. I have read through your entire original post, but because it is quite a long post, I wanted to make sure that anyone reading this response would be able to read and understand the key points you made. It really struck me when I read your post just how much responsibility and stress you have been carrying. Raising two children by yourself without support from friends or family, working to earn money for the family, and dealing with health issues as well. You must be feeling exhausted when you add in the struggles you have been having with your younger daughter. One of the things that a lot of parents find is that when they have been focused on their child’s wellbeing for a long time, sometimes they don’t make time to look after themselves, and I am wondering if this is the case for you? I am guessing with everything that is going on, finding time for yourself may seem like a big ask, but if you’re feeling emotionally exhausted and frustrated, this can make it so much harder to respond to the challenges that you have been experiencing with your daughter. Taking a moment to reflect on how you are doing, and finding small ways to look after yourself can actually help you have more energy and mean you are less impacted by things like your daughter being rude to you (which can help you feel calmer when this happens). Self-care looks different for different people, and sometimes it can be small things, like taking a short walk, listening to a song you like, or taking steps to improve your sleep (this article has some tips on sleep - it talks about how you can improve your teen’s sleep, but the same tips are relevant for parents). I’m also wondering if your daughter finds the situation frustrating and exhausting as well. This isn’t something I’d expect her to have told you, but it wouldn’t be surprising if it is the case. With both of you feeling frustrated and upset, it’s more likely that tempers flare and conversations turn into arguments. Sometimes families can get stuck in a pattern of arguing where neither party is happy but it’s hard to stop. It sounds like your daughter is dealing with a lot as well. In addition to school, it sounds like she is also involved in extracurricular activities (band) and is working to pay for her phone and car. She might be feeling a lot of pressure to keep on top of her studies, work, and participate in marching band. That’s a lot for a 16 year old. I’m also wondering if you’ve been able to talk with each other about what it was like for her when you were unwell? Dealing with the illness of a parent can be a very difficult event for a teen - it may have made her think about a future without you there to support her, and made her feel like she needs to be able to be independent and look after herself. She may not have really had the chance to talk about this and possibly how vulnerable she felt at the time, and may still feel due to this. With teens, it’s not uncommon for stress and feeling vulnerable to result in lashing out - particularly towards a parent. Of course, you have no control over the fact that you were unwell. Sometimes we do our absolute best, and factors outside of our control mean that something stressful happens in the family. You mention that you feel like nothing you do is good enough and you feel unappreciated, but also that your daughter has expressed that she feels that you act the same way towards her. If most of the time when you and your daughter interact you end up arguing, I can imagine that this leaves both of you feeling hurt and unappreciated. Often it can be helpful in situations like this to look for opportunities to notice and acknowledge when your daughter does something positive - it sounds like this is something you already do when you can, but it can be helpful to focus on this when a teen is struggling with getting along with their parent. Because it sounds like this has been happening for quite some time, and you are feeling very stuck, I do encourage you to consider seeing a professional. If your daughter is open to it, family therapy can be a great way of learning more effective ways to communicate with each other, and address your concerns in an environment where you can both feel heard and supported. Alternatively, if your daughter isn’t open to that, working with a therapist yourself would also be a really good option, as they can help you identify approaches specific to your situation. We’re in Australia, and I believe you are in the US, so I can’t provide specific advice on locating a therapist (as the services are very different there), but often talking to your family doctor is a good starting point. Sometimes accessing services can take a while. In the meantime, you might find this article about effective communication helpful as well. Best wishes, Linda Linda is a psychologist experienced in working with people across the lifespan, including teenagers and their families, in a variety of settings, and is ReachOut's Clinical Lead. ... View more

My two granddaughters are 13 and 15. They both have anger management issues, more than likely due to their family situation through the years. I desperately want to help them, but not sure which way to turn. I had a call today from the school to say one of them had argued with a teacher and then threatened her with the fire extinguisher before actually setting it off. This will be her SEVENTH suspension this year. It all boils down to anger - it doesn't take much to make her angry and when she is, it is very hard to stop her. My younger granddaughter is similar, but not quite so bad. I would really love to hear from somebody who have had a similar experience. Many thanks Dear @My3sons,  It sounds like you and your grand-daughters have been through a lot, and that you are a very caring grandparent. Difficulties with managing anger are not unusual for teens, but with seven suspensions I can understand why you would be really concerned. You mention the idea of counselling for your granddaughters, and since it sounds like their family situation has been complex, this sounds like a really good idea. Counselling can help them explore what has happened in the past and how it is contributing to their current feelings and behaviours. Learning anger management skills can be a part of counselling, and it is not unusual for someone to seek counselling for this. Seeing your GP is a good starting point for accessing counselling in your area. The school may also be able to tell you about local services. Sometimes teens struggling with anger can be reluctant to have counselling, and particularly if they feel that they are being blamed or that counselling means they need to change who they are. It can help to start with a conversation about what has been happening, and getting your granddaughter’s perspective on her anger. The focus here is not the recent incident, but the overall pattern. What is it like for her when she gets angry? Is there anything that makes it better or worse? She might be limited in what she can explain about her feelings (sometimes they can be hard to put into words), so it’s best not to press too much if she isn’t able to say. Expressing genuine curiosity about her feelings and thoughts can help her feel cared for and understood. It generally isn’t enjoyable to be feeling angry a lot of the time, and often people who have difficulties with angry outbursts are also experiencing sadness or fear, so having a conversation also provides an opportunity to express this, and it can open the door to talking about what might be helpful for her (including counselling). This conversation is something you could do with each granddaughter (separately, as they will likely have different perspectives and experiences). Aside from professional support, there are some anger management skills that you could work on together, if she is open to it. You might find this guide helpful: https://parents.au.reachout.com/common-concerns/everyday-issues/things-to-try-anger/help-your-teen-manage-their-anger. Spending time with people who have angry outbursts can be difficult and exhausting. I encourage you to also look after yourself. This can help you recharge and have the energy to continue to provide support to your granddaughters. Regular self-care is important (and there are some tips here: https://parents.au.reachout.com/skills-to-build/wellbeing/self-care-and-teenagers), but if you find that even with regular self-care you are finding it difficult to manage or would just like to talk to someone, I’d also recommend you consider whether it might help for you to have some counselling sessions to support you. Best wishes, Linda Linda is a psychologist experienced in working with people across the lifespan, including teenagers and their families, in a variety of settings, and is ReachOut's Clinical Lead. ... View more

Hello My 14 year old son (year 9) hates school and I’m not sure how to help him. He’s never really thrived in the school system, I think he is just one of those kids who it simply doesn’t suit. His teachers think he’s lazy, because he is actually very clever and capable, so when he underachieves he is told he didn’t put in enough effort. The truth is that he’s disengaged; he doesn’t see the relevance of school and he struggles to focus at all. He gets in trouble all the time for not focusing, not doing his homework, not wearing his uniform correctly, talking to his friends… never major things, he’s not in the challenging behaviours category or anything, just constant small things that wear him down. He hates being made to wear a uniform and conform to so many rules, and he is bored out of his mind in class all the time. He feels like it’s a waste of time and he hates the fact that it takes up so much of his life; it causes him so much stress, but when he’s home he doesn’t want to think about it so he doesn’t ask for my help and I don’t know he needed it until he fails an assessment. He is far from lazy. He’s a gifted pianist and that’s what he wants to do with his life. He practices every day and plays at university level; he also learns advanced theory. He’s taken lessons since he was 5 and worked consistently at it ever since. So he does learn effectively when it’s something he cares about, and he does work hard. But he can’t see why he needs to learn all these non-music things at school when he already knows he wants to be a musician. He intends to audition for a European Conservatorium and study there. My husband and I support him in that 100%. I have explained that to do that he needs to finish school, and he understands that, but he’s so miserable at the thought of 3 more years. I am at a loss in how to get him through. He is not bullied, he has a great group of friends and is otherwise happy. I know he’s capable of doing well but I also know that putting more pressure on him will make things worse and that’s not what I want. He doesn’t need straight A’s and that’s not what we expect. I just want to get him through so he can go on and do what he wants to do. It is difficult to see him so miserable. At the same time I am trying to help him understand his own role in this - his attitude towards school is pretty bad. Whilst there are factors that aren’t his fault and I feel sorry for him in that, I can also see that his attitude is holding him back. He got in trouble this week because he refused to attend a lunchtime detention he got for something minor and it ended up escalating because he was being defiant and argumentative about it. I have taken a harder stance with that because I won’t tolerate him being disrespectful. Ultimately it’s led to me telling him he’s in the wrong, his attitude sucks and he needs to take some responsibility for his own outcomes. And it led to an after school detention that I made him attend. His school is big on pastoral care and I’m sure he would find them very supportive, but unfortunately he is his own barrier. He tends to put it all under the ‘authority’ umbrella, and doesn’t respond positively to school-based support. I’m trying to make him realise that he’s only hurting himself by doing that; people are there to help him, for him, not for themselves. I think he’s reached that (very familiar if I’m honest) teenage phase where he thinks everyone in a position of authority just lives to ruin his life. It doesn’t really help that his brother, who is one year older, is a model student - top academic performer in his year, scholarship holder and all round star pupil. They have a lot of the same teachers and the feedback they give about the kids is obviously very different. I’m sure that has an impact, although we have never compared the two or expected the same things of them academically; they both have their strengths and get to shine in their own ways. They have a great relationship with each other, they both support each other’s achievements and there is no negativity whatsoever between them about this. The younger one doesn’t express any resentment or anything like that, I just wonder sometimes if he doesn’t try to impress his teachers because he doesn’t think he’ll measure up to the very high standard his brother has set. With regards to music support, there is a program at his school which he engages with. It’s fairly new (the school is less than 10 years old) and not super well established, but we have found the music staff to be very supportive in helping to find opportunities for him in music at school. NLSBH Dear @NLSBH,  I hope it's okay that I combined your two posts into one, I thought this would be helpful for people reading my response. I can hear that you are feeling frustrated by the situation. You have the perspective to see the way in which your son’s attitude at the moment is adding to his difficulties. You are absolutely right that questioning authority, and being suspicious of those in charge is really common for teens (and that this can sometimes be unhelpful). You obviously care a great deal about your son having the best possible experience for the remainder of his school years. Because parents do have a tendency to be grouped into that ‘authority’ category, teens are sometimes reluctant to talk to parents about difficulties at school or with teachers, but it is worth exploring the situation with your son a little further, if he is open to it. You sound very understanding that school is not his priority but rather something he needs to get through. For someone of his age, three more years no doubt feels like a lifetime, so even though he knows and acknowledges he needs to finish school, no wonder he is feeling stressed. Sometimes, parents will find that spending time just listening to their teens' perspective and acknowledging why they feel the way they do is a really important step in being able to work together with them to address challenges. The attitude with which someone approaches a situation can definitely make a difference, but if he is feeling like no-one understands him, then he is less likely to be willing to try a different approach. If he feels genuinely heard regarding how much he dislikes school, he may be more willing to work with you to identify some coping strategies, or ways to respond that will be helpful, rather than get him in more trouble. The key is having a shared goal, which both of you agree on. This might be something like “getting through school with as little stress as possible”. But, it is important for your son to define the goal. Once you have identified a goal, the two of you might be able to identify where some of the challenges are, and problem-solve these. It sounds like your son has some really outstanding strengths (such as persistence, and dedication), which you are able to see in the way he approaches his music study. He might also have ideas based on how he has gotten through challenges in the past which could be applied to school, or ideas about how you might be able to support him. Alternatively, even though he is not willing to accept school-based support, he might be more open to a counsellor or psychologist who is not associated with the school. Sometimes teens are more willing to talk to someone who is separate from the school. Goals, motivation, difficulties with focus, stress at school and other life challenges are all topics a psychologist or counsellor can work through with teens. If he’s not willing to have this discussion, your approach of setting boundaries around some areas (such as not being disrespectful to teachers), and being flexible regarding things like grades is a really good one. This is a difficult situation for you as well as for him. Don’t forget to take time out from looking after your kids to look after yourself as well - and to acknowledge your own hard work. Linda is a psychologist experienced in working with people across the lifespan, including teenagers and their families, in a variety of settings, and is ReachOut's Clinical Lead. ... View more

Hi, My daughter is 13.5 and I'm struggling with her a lot. She spends all her time in her room and only comes out for dinner, and sometimes to grudgingly do chores. She's started refusing to participate in any family activities including weekly movie-night (I've tried letting her choose the movie but she says she just doesn't want to be with us). I've always had a reasonable relationship with her and I thought of myself as quite approachable, I don't go off the deep end over things and tend to try talk things out with her. But she is refusing to talk to me about anything and just walks away and shuts her door in my face when I try to discuss anything. For example we had parent-teacher meetings last night and she has slipped from an A average to getting Ds and one teacher showed me an assessment where she had drawn pictures all over the sheet, and written things like "I already know this, do you think I'm stupid?" in the answer boxes. When we got home she asked if she was in trouble and I said no, but that I did want to talk to her about why she had behaved like that and what I could do to help. She groaned and said she hated me trying to be involved and didn't want to listen to a lecture, went to her room and refused to let me in. I backed off because I didn't want to force my way and create another issue to deal with before getting calm, and finding some advice! She is still so young and I really want to try find the best way to deal with things before she gets older and has more dangerous opportunities. TimTam78 Hi @TimTam78, I can tell how concerned you are for your daughter. It sounds like you have been very understanding and attentive to what is happening with her. It can be really tough when teens pull away and don’t want to share what is happening. An A average is pretty impressive, and quite a contrast to her current Ds. It’s likely that your daughter felt some anxiety about you attending the parent-teacher meetings, and your possible reaction to the change in her grades. It’s great to hear that your response was to seek to understand, even though she wasn’t willing to talk it through with you that day, Her response, “I already know this, do you think I'm stupid?”, on the test may actually shed some light on what is happening, because she did not simply leave answers blank or get things wrong, but actually expressed anger at the questions. Taken at face value, it may indicate that she is not feeling challenged at school and this has caused her to disengage. It’s also possible that she might be lashing out in response to struggling with school. If she is used to doing well, and is struggling at the moment, this could affect her self-esteem (in which case the response might be about covering up how not knowing the answer makes her feel). Ultimately, she is the only person who knows why she responded as she did. It may take some time for her to feel willing to open up about what is happening, but don’t lose hope. I encourage you to think about what boundaries and rules you might have regarding school. If she has been a dedicated student so far, you might not have had a reason to think about this. However, even if you haven’t thought about it specifically, there are probably expectations that you do have (for example, you might have an expectation that your daughter attends her classes and completes her assignments, or that she spends a certain amount of time on her studies). It’s important for you and your daughter to have a shared understanding around these expectations, as this can help guide conversations about school when things aren’t going well, and can also reduce anxiety about the consequences when boundaries are crossed. Teens pushing boundaries is really common, and it’s possible that your daughter’s responses on the test were in part testing boundaries around what is okay. These tips for a challenging conversation could help you have this conversation. This can also apply to other areas aside from school if there are areas where you feel uncomfortable with her current behaviour (a common one for parents of teens is boundaries around what language is okay to use towards the other person). Of course, it’s important to continue to express care and support to your daughter and remain approachable while setting boundaries. It’s also important to consider how your daughter appears to be doing in general. You have mentioned she spends most of her time in her room, but other important signs are whether she appears to have friends that she spends time with (either going out or talking with them online); whether she is eating as normal; whether there appear to be any problems with sleep. If it seems that overall your daughter is withdrawing from others, has changes in appetite and sleep, and isn’t enjoying things she used to enjoy, it would be a good idea to see a GP for further support. Best wishes, Linda Linda is a psychologist experienced in working with people across the lifespan, including teenagers and their families, in a variety of settings, and is ReachOut's Clinical Lead. ... View more

I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place trying to get my teenagers aged 18 and 16 to help around the house or keep their rooms tidy. We have three dogs and they agreed to help clean up the backyard after them but don't and don't lift a finger to help around the house and in fact do the reverse only add mess. If I complain they're liable to explode at me or withdraw into their rooms and it just goes nowhere. Our situation is complicated by me having disability and health issues along with the kids.  My son and I are both on the NDIS and I have a generous funding allocation to get the housework done, but since my cleaner didn't get vaxed last year, I haven't been able to get a regular cleaner and have been left in the lurch. my husband helps out quite a lot at home as well as working really long hours. Our 18 year old son is on the autism spectrum but quite capable of doing something around the house. Our daughter is really busy with trying to develop a professional dance career, has a part time job and some chronic health issues and is often too sick to go to school. I am currently trying to source more cleaning through the NDIS but the kids' mindset is also a problem where they expect us to do everything for them, drive them everywhere and give nothing back. Indeed, I feel like our daughter treats us like puppets on a string. It is really hard to assert boundaries when you're going to be abused and I think she would be quite surprised to know that she is abusing us. No please. No thank yous. Just demands. I should just add, to be fair to her, she's struggling to eat and her blood sugar is all over the place with her medical condition which I guess creates those "hangry" type symptoms.  I see a definitely need for our family to have a restart but am just not sure how to go about it. I do have good access to psychological support through the NDIS but I wondered if anyone had some practical advice here please. I've been thinking about the lines of a family dinner round the kitchen table or talking in the car.  I look forward to hearing from you. Best wishes, Birdwings Hi @Birdwings, It can feel like such a constant struggle when not everyone in the household is contributing to the chores! It sounds like you are feeling really unappreciated and unacknowledged by your kids at the moment. You seem like a resourceful person who has a lot of things to juggle. Getting together to talk through the issue and having a ‘reset’ is a great idea. Talking in the car can be something that can be helpful with teens because it can feel less confronting than sitting face to face. However, if you’d like to discuss as an entire family (and it would be great for you and your husband to align beforehand to make sure you are united on the approach), then a meeting round the dinner table may be more practical than all of you in the car. But, you know your family best - if you’ve previously had similar discussions, it’s worth thinking about what worked well in the past. The advantage of a planned discussion is that you can choose a time when the kids are likely to be relaxed and not feel rushed, and therefore are less likely to get defensive. It sounds like they have actually agreed to do certain chores, but don’t follow through. This puts you in a tough position of having to chase them up. It can help to frame ‘housework not getting done’ as a joint responsibility for all of you, and ask them to help problem-solve how to resolve this, as a way of encouraging accountability and ownership. This also helps to focus the conversation on how to address things moving forward. This can also involve talking about how you’d like to communicate with each other if one of you is struggling with assigned tasks (Can things be swapped for a week? Are there some things that can be skipped if someone is having a more difficult week?), as well as what happens if someone does not do what they have agreed to. Natural consequences can be very effective. For instance, if each person is responsible for washing their own clothes, then if they don’t do their washing they will run out of clean clothes. Another example might be that if you have to spend time doing household tasks that they were meant to do, you won’t have time to drive them to activities. But, it’s important to personalise things to what works best for your family. Something which jumped out at me in your post, was you saying that your daughter would be surprised to know that she was abusing you. It sounds like this goes deeper than just the household chores. I do think it’s really important to consider whether there’s a gap in communication here. It’s great that you are able to acknowledge the challenges she is facing right now and how they may be contributing. Maybe your awareness of these challenges have made it more difficult for you to communicate how hurtful her behaviour towards you is. Lashing out at you isn’t okay, and getting feedback on behaviour, even when this is negative feedback, is really important in the learning process for teens, as it can shape their future responses. If she is generally someone who cares about others and does not want to hurt them, then knowing how deeply her behaviour is hurting you is an important first step in change. It’s great to hear that you also have access to psychological support via NDIS, and I encourage you to discuss this challenge with the professional you currently see, as they may have more personalised ideas. Best wishes, Linda Linda is a psychologist experienced in working with people across the lifespan, including teenagers and their families, in a variety of settings, and is ReachOut's Clinical Lead. ... View more

I am concerned about my 13yr old daughter. Her personality is extremely reactive and I can't figure her triggers apart from if it's not what she wants then watch out. She is verbally abusive, she will hit walls/kick doors/slam doors. At times when she is close to exploding she will do little things like walk past her 4yr old brother and slap him on head or push him all gently but still not acceptable behaviour. I don't know how to manage her. I have tried being her friend, Ive tried being angry, Ive tried to remain calm. I'm pushed to my extreme, I need help!! Cpaps84 Dear @Cpaps84, It sounds like a really challenging and upsetting situation to be in, no wonder you are feeling at your limit. There can be a number of things that can cause a child or teen to be unusually reactive, and if your daughter hasn’t already seen a professional that would be a really good idea. A GP is a great place to start, and they can refer on to more specialised services. A thorough assessment can help identify more specifically what might be going on with your daughter, and therefore help work out what would be the most helpful approach. They might also recommend some counselling for your daughter, or indvidualised support for you as her parent. Your daughter is at an age where she is likely to have some insight into her behaviour. This doesn’t mean that she knows or will be able to explain why she gets so upset, but if there are times when things are calmer, it could be valuable to get her perspective on what is happening for her, and how she feels about it. The aim is to be able to work together to address the behaviour, which is likely causing her some problems (for instance, at school, in her friendships, and in her relationship with you and her brother). This can be a pretty challenging conversation, and not every child or teen will be willing to talk about it, but if there are times when she is more open to talking, expressing concern for the impact this is having on her, can be a way to start working together to solve this issue. Often when a child is behaving in frustrating ways, it comes from a place of something not feeling right for them, so checking in with your daughter about her mood in general is important. It sounds like you have tried lots of ways of responding to your daughter when she behaves aggressively without success. I’m sorry to hear that, as it must have been a frustrating and difficult journey for you. It can be really exhausting to be constantly trying things and not feeling like you’re making progress. At times like these a lot of parents find that they focus on their children’s wellbeing at the expense of their own. This can actually make it even more difficult to cope with challenging behaviours, because when someone is tired and worn down, it’s harder to deal with stressful things happening. I’d encourage you to make sure you are looking after yourself with self-care. I’m not going to recommend a specific approach for you in responding to your daughter, because it sounds like you have tried lots of things, and without a detailed understanding of your situation there’s a risk of this being unhelpful. This is why I suggested an assessment with a professional, an important part of an assessment is exploring in detail what is happening.  Because you mentioned her reacting quite aggressively, this resource may be relevant for you. Best wishes, Linda Linda is a psychologist experienced in working with people across the lifespan, including teenagers and their families, in a variety of settings, and is ReachOut's Clinical Lead. ... View more

Hi there, I am a single mum of boy/girl teens, both 14.  It's tough being on my own sometimes as I feel a lot of the time I am just the good/bad cop.  Generally I have a great rapport with my teens as a parent and very in tune with them. But as they have progressed to teenage hood it is sometimes harder to communicate with them. They don’t always want to share or I find they become overwhelmed with their own feelings.  I am going through a tough time at the moment with my daughter who suffers with depression and anxiety. Recently we have butt heads more. We recently had an instance where I caught her out on not sharing something with me and wouldn't open up to me about the issue (it was really minor in the scheme of things, but it was not the first time I had caught her out in trying to hide something in her bedroom from me. I needed to send her a message, to not fob me off or not feel comfortable in sharing the truth - with hindsight in mind, thinking when it came to more crucial or matters that involved risk, that she would be inclined to hide it from me. I am mindful of the pattern at stake and want to step in and correct it, before such instances occur. I am not naive to think that as teenagers, this will never happen, but I am as a parent, want both my kids to know they can come to me about anything and more so when they are faced with a situation they are really unsure about. I communicate this to them all the time by the way) Anyway, at first I had said you can't go to a friend's meet up, cos I was expecting her to tell me the truth. She then pulled the mental health card on me and I relented, and said you can go, but I restricted and minimised the time. IN part of the blow up, She shared, she didn't trust me. As a parent, I was shattered. I was also concerned, if she couldn't trust me, who could she trust. IN a time of real need, who would she turn to?  I guess her struggle with mental health is hard to manage and watch. I too have a history of mental illness I manage and often blame myself, that she is mirroring my own behaviour, yet she has been formally diagnosed and we are dealing with it. living in a region where mental health services are stretched to the max, it is a tightrope walk and just want to use another medium in case it cast some help I hadnt been able to get. I appreciate any constructive comments. thank you hands4healing Hi @hands4healing, It sounds like you are managing to stay really engaged and very caring despite a challenging and stressful situation with your daughter.  As teens get older, usually the way they communicate with parents changes. This is a natural consequence of their development and growing independence. Teens are at a stage where they are forming close relationships with their peers, and moving from being a child (for whom parents are the primary support) to a more adult way of interacting with the world, where parents are only one of the people they seek support from. Teens also begin to value privacy and autonomy more as they get older. This can mean that teens will sometimes check in with parents less, and will value the opinions of peers more.  For engaged parents, this can sometimes feel like a step backwards, because their child may start talking to them less. This doesn’t mean that the relationship has deteriorated - it’s more that being in tune with your teen can look and feel different, depending on what stage they are at. Staying flexible can be the key to keeping a good rapport with your teens as they go through this stage (and you might find your son and daughter go through different stages at different times and in different ways). It’s really good that you are thinking about how to keep the lines of communication open and how to make sure you and your daughter continue to have a good and supportive relationship through this period. Something that can be helpful in encouraging teens to communicate with you and share their experiences is giving them a sense of space and control over what they share and when. This will likely mean that your daughter at times will tell you less than you’d prefer, but insisting that teens share everything can make them more reluctant to be honest, and can make them feel their parent doesn't trust them. Of course, this can be challenging emotionally, since you want what is best for your daughter, and want to make sure she is okay. This is really understandable, and it’s important to look after yourself while supporting your teen - talking to other parents can be helpful, as well as making sure you take the time for regular self-care. It’s okay to have some boundaries and expectations that your daughter does communicate some things to you. It can be helpful to think about what you really need to know, and communicate that with your daughter ahead of time -  for instance, you may have rules about being contactable, or letting you know when she is going out. Being transparent about these boundaries means your daughter will be more likely to respect them, and this helps create a sense of trust, because your daughter knows what you expect of her, and knows what to expect of you. For a young person with depression and anxiety this can be more complex because of safety concerns, but it’s still important to provide privacy and opportunities for young people to work through issues and make choices regarding communication.  A collaborative approach can be really effective here - having a chat with your daughter about how you can best support her mental health, including how she can communicate with you when she is having a tough time, and what type of response from you would be helpful. It must have been very hurtful for your daughter to say she does not trust you. You may find it helpful to wait for a time when you are both calm, and explore with her what trust means for her, and if there are any specific concerns she has.  Best wishes, Linda   Linda is a psychologist experienced in working with people across the lifespan, including teenagers and their families, in a variety of settings, and is ReachOut's Clinical Lead. ... View more

I am so worried about my daughter. She is a very sweet girl. She wants a friend so bad. She just opened up to me and cried so hard that she eats her lunch at school in the bathroom. She has no real friends and doesn't get invited to hang out with other kids. She is always feeling left out. She has low self esteem and I don't know what to do to help her. I know there has to be other kids out there feeling the same way and I just don't know how to connect her with others. Her grades have gone down this year. I am helpless. I wish I could find a forum online where she can connect with other teenagers that might need a friend. She thinks she is the only one going through this. I have seen her feeling down, but nothing like today. She is hurting so bad. I am even crying writing this. I feel so desperate to help her. nataliestone Hi @nataliestone, I can really hear how heartbroken you feel that your daughter is so unhappy.  You are absolutely right that there are other teens who feel alone. The teenage years can be very difficult when it comes to friendships and unfortunately it’s not uncommon for people to experience a time when they feel excluded and isolated. Connecting with others online can absolutely be something young people find helpful when they don’t have friends at school, and it is great that you are looking for solutions to help with your daughter’s situation. When supporting someone who is feeling distressed, it can be really helpful to check in with them about how you can be most helpful before offering solutions. I mention this because sometimes parents will offer ideas and solutions to their teenage children, only to find their kids aren’t wanting to take these on board. This can happen because parents mean well and want to make things better, but sometimes the teen would prefer to come up with their own ideas, or would just like the parent to listen and provide emotional support. So you might find it helpful to ask your daughter if she’d like you to make some suggestions, or for the two of you to brainstorm ideas together. You seem to be in the US, and I am more familiar with the online communities designed for Australian young people (such as the one we have at ReachOut), but I would also suggest that as well as looking for spaces designed for making friends, online spaces which are aimed around hobbies or areas of interest can be a great way to connect with others, so it could be helpful to consider what your daughter is interested in. This can apply to options in your local area as well as online - local sports or community groups can provide an opportunity for her to meet different people and possibly make friends.  Whether online or in person, making friends can take a little time, so it’s important not to get discouraged if things don’t improve straight away. In the meantime, spending quality time together, particularly doing things that you both enjoy, can be a great way to help her feel loved and supported. You mention that your daughter has low self-esteem and has been feeling down. I am not sure if this is because of her being lonely, or if this is something which has been a problem for her for a while, but it could be helpful for her to talk to a counsellor or psychologist to explore how she is feeling. If this is something she would be open to, your doctor should be able to connect you with local services, or there may be some resources that the school can offer. Best wishes, Linda   Linda is a psychologist experienced in working with people across the lifespan, including teenagers and their families, in a variety of settings, and is ReachOut's Clinical Lead. ... View more

My only child, 13 year old took an overdose 3 weeks ago and ended up in ED. I found the note and the tablets. She is diagnosed with depression, anxiety, ODD and an eating disorder. I work at our local school and at the beginning of the year we transferred to the only other school in our town. She spent a couple of weeks in an adolescent mental health unit last year and is under CAMHS and a psychiatrist. Today we have found out she has been finally accepted to another facility on Monday. I have almost exhausted all my leave and it looks like I will now need to take more leave for this term. I am starting to really struggle to cope. I am seeing a gp,on medication but I am starting to feel effects on my body from all of the stress and worry. I am even considering home schooling to reduce our school fees and allow her time to develop her strength and resilience. I am seeking support from others who have had this experience and can recall strategies that helped you cope. I need to be strong for my girl and I am petrified of falling down myself. Harleydog Dear @Harleydog,  It sounds like you have been incredibly strong for your daughter, and that it has been quite a journey to get her accepted into a facility. No wonder you are feeling the effects from the stress and the worry. Although I can’t speak from a lived experience perspective, I did want to respond to provide some support. It’s clear from your post that you are very motivated to look after your daughter, and when I speak to parents who are very focused on their children, sometimes they may struggle to do things to look after themselves. This is really understandable - there are only so many hours in the day. However, it’s really important to take opportunities to look after yourself as well, because that can give you the energy to be able to keep looking after her. It’s great that you are seeing your GP, and I hope the medication you are on has been helpful for you. When it comes to dealing with ongoing stress, medication can be helpful, but it can’t do everything - self-care is also very important when it comes to managing stress. This includes things like eating regular meals, getting enough sleep and getting some exercise, but it also includes taking time to do things you find relaxing or enjoyable (even if it is only for a few minutes). Sometimes parents will tell me that they struggle to take this time to look after themselves, and part of this is for practical reasons, but also sometimes it’s because it feels like they shouldn’t prioritize doing ‘fun’ things for themselves when their child is sick. But, doing these things is what recharges your batteries and helps you to be able to look after others. While your daughter is receiving inpatient care, this can actually be a good time to take a moment to focus on your needs, since she is receiving professional support right now. If you have family and friends you can reach out to, I encourage you to talk to them. You may or may not want to talk through what’s happening with your daughter, but even just having a cup of coffee and a chat can help provide a sense of connection which can help break down the sense of isolation that is so common when someone is looking after a child with mental health diagnoses. You also mention worry, which is very understandable in the circumstances, and can also be pretty exhausting to deal with. As much as possible, it can help to focus on the short term - what is happening that day, rather than all the possible futures. Although sometimes thinking about the future is necessary and helpful for planning, often in situations like these, there tends to be more unhelpful worry rather than helpful planning. You might find this article helpful when it comes to focusing on the present moment. In terms of accessing further support, you mentioned that your daughter has been engaged with CAMHS. Her CAMHS case worker may actually know about local services for parents that might be helpful. There are often services designed for families and carers which are provided by the local primary health network. If you’re in Canberra, Head to Health may be able to provide support. Since you mention your daughter has an eating disorder, I also wanted to mention that the Butterfly foundation has online support groups, including one for family and friends. Best wishes, Linda Linda is a psychologist experienced in working with people across the lifespan, including teenagers and their families, in a variety of settings, and is ReachOut's Clinical Lead. ... View more

Hi Everyone, I have a 14 going on 15 year old son. He has lately started expressing some rage with swearing..lots of f's and best. He has unfortunately used this at school and has now been suspended. I have spoken to him several times to understand him and he says he gets frustrated and angry. The school tends to pick on him for almost every little thing, he attends this particular school for a specialist program which he was removed from because he get into trouble all the time. (Talking in class, disruptive, not handing work in) he has since then tried very hard to redeem himself by not getting into any trouble. Recently he was with his group of friends who were involved in dacking another child however this was not my son, but because he was present at the time he was questioned and did not want to answer to the school liking. They kept him for several periods until he got frustrated and upset and started to swear. I'm at a loss. Do I change his school to change the company he is hanging around or do I continue to pay $9000 a year to hear how **bleep** my child is. Workinclassmum Dear @Workinclassmum, How frustrating it must be that your son is experiencing these difficulties at his current school, it sounds like you feel that they really aren’t providing the support you’d expect. The difficulties he is experiencing at the moment - getting frustrated; swearing; talking in class; sometimes not handing in work - are all relatively common issues that teens may experience occasionally. However, it sounds like this is happening more often for your son than his peers, and getting in the way of his overall progress at school, so it’s great that you have spoken with him to try to understand it. The recent incident - where he was kept for several periods and it sounds like he was questioned repeatedly - is something that’s likely to result in frustration even for someone who is usually pretty calm. If this were the only instance of him losing his temper and swearing, I’d consider this a result of the situation rather than indicating an ongoing issue. However, it sounds like you’ve been concerned about his swearing and difficulties with managing anger for a while, given that you mention having spoken to him several times. Since you mention that your son has been putting in a lot of effort lately to not get in trouble, and that the school is picking on him for small things, I am not sure if you feel like he needs more ongoing support for his behaviour, or if it is more a problem of the school not recognising his progress. It takes time for teens to learn how to deal with frustration in ways which won’t get them into trouble. If it does feel like skills to manage anger and frustration would be helpful, you might like these resources. Dealing with anger (aimed at teens and young adults) An anger diary Sometimes frustration can also be a result of other issues, which can contribute to someone not getting work done on time, and having difficulties concentrating in class. If your son is finding it difficult to focus, or finding that it’s hard to get work done, seeing a professional to explore things in more depth could be useful. Your GP can help you find someone local. I also want to acknowledge that it’s really normal for teens to behave similarly to their friends (including things like talking in class and being disruptive when this is something their friend group encourages) - and it sounds like this is a concern for you as well. If you haven’t already, it could be helpful to talk to your son about his friends and get his perspective on things. This can help you understand whether your son’s friends might be influencing his behaviour in a negative way, and also if he is facing peer pressure. With regards to the school, since you say that you are considering a change of school, but feel uncertain, it could be helpful to arrange a meeting with the school to discuss your concerns with them, and to explore whether there is a way that they could provide better support to your son moving forward. Before the meeting, if you take some time to think about questions you have for the school, make a list of your concerns, as well as give some thought to what a helpful response from them would look like, this can make the conversation go smoother. This conversation won’t necessarily resolve the issues you are experiencing with the school, but it can help give you a sense of how willing the school will be to work with you moving forward, which can help inform any decision for your son to stay or change schools. Lastly, I just want to say you sound like a really caring parent, doing your best to provide support to your son in a challenging situation. Best wishes, Linda Linda is a psychologist experienced in working with people across the lifespan, including teenagers and their families, in a variety of settings, and is ReachOut's Clinical Lead. ... View more

Our 13 year old girl has been gradually changing over the past 12 months, getting more withdrawn from her favourite activities and seeming to be down. We noticed she has stopped wanting to swim (previously one of her favourite activities). She also started to wear long sleeve shirts. Because she is embarrassed of the scars and wants to cover up, she is not doing much exercise and we are worried about her overall health. She has struggled a little with friendships over the years. Also, our marriage has been difficult and so she has seen and heard too much conflict. Eventually I approached her and asked if she has been self-harming as I had been reading about that and we had seen some sharp objects in her room. She admitted that she had and although she didn't show us, we have seen some scars on her left arm and also I think somewhere near her groin area. We don't think she is having suicidal thoughts (and that is what she says to us). Last year she went to see a psychologist we arranged for her but did not like the sessions and so stopped. We have spoken to a few psychologists by phone. She is not comfortable with the school counsellor. She says she wants to talk to someone but we are not sure who the right person is. She is a sensitive type who keeps so much inside. My wife and I feel it is so much our fault for mistakes over many years. We feel that some of this was made worse by our mistake letting her watch too much on her ipad. She got into goth culture and heavy music and became aware of all the gender issues everyone is talking about. She now seems to be stressed about her gender identity and so that is also part of her struggle and all connected. 1. My first question is whether we should be monitoring her self harm by asking to look at her scars and how much to insist to see them (or take her to a doctor). We are so worried that she will have some serious injury or lifetime scars from this but one psychologist told us it's probably best not to push to check them. I feel like I would like either us or a doctor to take a look at them from time to time but she doesn't feel comfortable showing anyone. When I ask she says she is not doing lately but II think she probably still does sometimes. How hard to we push to find out what she is doing and how often? 2. Should we be actively checking her room for sharp objects? She will be very resistant if she thinks we are checking her. 3. About seeing psychologists, my wife and I are both hesitating because we are scared she might be labelled and see herself as something wrong with her (even more than she already probably does). I have seen kids go to psychologists for years and years and often they don't seem to make that much progress but rather get a bad self image of themselves. I am sorry this is so long. We honestly don't know where to start with help for our wonderful, talented and sensitive child. Thank you for taking the time to read this. JosephH Dear @JosephH, You sound like a really caring and concerned parent, and I just want to acknowledge the step you took in asking directly about self-harm. It’s something which many parents find difficult, but it is such an important first step. I wanted to talk a little about your concern that seeing a psychologist would result in your daughter being labelled. This is a really common worry that parents have, and it is really understandable. Not everyone who self-harms has a particular mental health diagnosis or ‘label’, and not every psychologist actually diagnoses as part of their approach. If a diagnosis does make sense, the psychologist would be able to discuss what this means for your daughter, but a helpful way to think about diagnosis is as a tool which helps psychologists identify what types of treatment might be most helpful, rather than as something which defines a person. If your daughter completes a Mental Health Treatment Plan with her GP (to allow her to access Medicare rebates to make seeing a psychologist more affordable), this will often include wording like ‘depression’ or ‘anxiety’ - this is because the MHCP requires the GP to identify the type of concern being treated. But, you can think about this as a description of the current concern, rather than a conclusive diagnosis or ongoing label (this is how many psychologists think of this information). It’s great news that she is wanting to talk to someone (with teens that’s often a challenge in itself). As @Courtney-RO mentioned, the GP is a great place to start with finding someone as they will have local knowledge. If you need more options, or are having difficulty finding someone who seems like a good fit, you can also search for a psychologist here. You can sort by relevant issues as well as location, and there are profiles of the psychologists which might be helpful in identifying who your daughter would feel most comfortable with. Regarding how much to monitor your daughter - I want to start by saying there is no ‘one size fits all’ answer to this question. It depends on the person, the relationship and the degree of self-harming. Seeing a GP for a general check-up and discussion is a great idea, but your daughter may not be willing for the GP to check for marks of self-harming at this stage. The most effective approach is often to address how you can reduce risk for your daughter as part of an overall plan to help her stay safe from self-harm - this allows her to contribute ideas for what you can do to help her stay safe, as well as you suggesting things. This could include an agreement that you will remove things like sharp objects from her room (this is a reasonably common boundary for parents), but also can include ways she can communicate when she needs more support. This article about developing a safety plan is written with suicide in mind, but the concept is also relevant for self-harm. It’s important to realise that steps like monitoring for injuries, removing items that may be dangerous, etc are only part of the picture - they can help in the short term, but it’s important to address the reasons for self-harm. This is where seeing a professional can help - they can discuss what is happening for your daughter emotionally and help her learn alternative ways of coping. Lastly, it can be really tiring supporting someone who is going through a tough time. I encourage you and your wife to make sure that you take time to do things which you find relaxing and enjoyable, as a way to make sure that you are ‘recharging your batteries’ so you have enough energy to keep providing support (it also sets a great example for your daughter), as well as talking to someone if you feel overwhelmed. Best wishes, Linda   Linda is a psychologist experienced in working with people across the lifespan, including teenagers and their families, in a variety of settings, and is ReachOut's Clinical Lead. ... View more

Hi everyone, we have a blended family which has its challenges but is mostly a happy home. Our daughter who has gone from a public primary school has now started at a private high school. Her mum disliked the local public high school and 100% of her friends went to the public school. Thus far I could count on my hands and fingers the days we have had her at the new school. When she is at school and can get her there she seems to cope well, according to teachers. Getting her to school is the tough bit as getting her out of bed is impossible. She dislikes the school and ultimately in my opinion is sabotaging the opportunity and ultimately wants to go to the school close by which has her friends in it. We have had meetings with the school and year advisor and she basically is a mute in them meetings and doesn't communicate. My partner is adamant that she sticks it out at this school, but it is causing much distress at home and making my partner very anxious and upset. To the point at which she can't function and starts to talk about leaving and not being present. My thoughts seem to be that the simplest solution is to just pull her out of private and stick her in public but that logical choice seems almost absurd from my partner's perspective. My partner just wants her to have the best possible education as do I but not at the expense of both their mental health. When the child talks to me she basically says she hates the school, wants to go to the public one. When the child talks with her mum she shuts down. We have a long wait for professional help so I thought I would ask the audience for support. Can anyone share a thought on some approaches to getting her to school or share some experiences? -------------------- When I talk with her, I get the main reason for not wanting to go to that school is not liking it there. She doesn't really elaborate or goes into detail only repeats that she just doesn't like it there. I really feel it is a sabotage attempt to get her way. Both of them have been to counselling and it usually involved her mum doing all the talking and the daughter not saying a single word or acknowledging any part of the conversation. We got her to go a half day yesterday and again this morning another flat out refusal. We have had meetings at the school with year advisors where again, both Mum and the teacher do all the talking and the daughter doesn't say boo. I feel the school are very helpful and understanding however they can only help once she is present. We are in the process of getting professional help however the waitlist is incredibly long. DownunderDad   Dear @DownunderDad,  I can hear what a difficult situation this is, and it sounds like you are feeling really stuck. It’s great that you have sought professional support, even if there will be a wait until you can see someone (unfortunately long waitlists are very common at the moment). It sounds like one of the things which is making things difficult is that you and your partner have different ideas on the best way to solve things. This is not unusual, and of course from time to time partners have different perspectives, but, at the moment not being on the same page might be making it more difficult to communicate with your daughter. She’s at an age where having a reason for decisions and boundaries is really important for her to respect those boundaries, and if you and your wife aren’t able to explain the reasons why she is not able to transfer to a public school in a clear way, she is likely to continue to push for change. If you and your partner can develop a shared understanding and agree on an approach it can also allow both of you to feel more supported. From what you have said things are pretty overwhelming for your partner at the moment. These kinds of situations are really tough and it is common for parents to feel distress. Sometimes this distress can actually make it even harder to address the problems and communicate calmly with their teen (and partner), as well as impacting the parent’s quality of life. I’m not sure if the professional help you are seeking is for the family or your daughter as an individual, but I’d also suggest that your partner might want to look at individual support for herself as well, based on how you have described her level of distress. This would provide a space for her to be able to focus on her own emotional needs, and help her develop some strategies so she can feel less overwhelmed. Sometimes when a parent’s distress happens in the context of something which is happening with the child, they will focus on getting help for the child, and ignore individual help for themselves. I appreciate that there may well be delays in her seeing someone - in the meantime speaking to Parentline can be helpful, or a service like Beyondblue can help with strategies to manage anxiety. It's great that you have been proactive in trying to find out what is happening and why your daughter doesn’t want to go to school. It can be frustrating to get a ‘don’t know’ response back - it’s actually pretty normal for teens to struggle to articulate why they don’t like something, particularly if they are feeling overwhelmed. She also may be reluctant to talk about it if she feels like any reason she gives will be used as part of an argument to convince her to go to school. Often in situations where there is a conflict between parents and a teen, communication can become tricky as the teen withdraws, and the parent tries harder to get information. This can create a bit of an unhelpful pattern, where the more the parent talks, the less willing the teen is to talk. If you’re finding that most of the conversations that you and your partner are having with your daughter at the moment are about school, setting aside time to focus on positives in the relationship (such as shared activities or topics that you enjoy talking about) is a good way to support and strengthen the relationship. The more secure your daughter is feeling in the relationship, the more confident she will be to share about her life at the moment, and she’ll be more likely to be open to understand things from your perspective, which can help you work together on her school attendance. Best wishes, Linda   Linda is a psychologist experienced in working with people across the lifespan, including teenagers and their families, in a variety of settings, and is ReachOut's Clinical Lead. ... View more

My 16 yr old son met a girl 5 months ago. They talked for a few weeks...first girl he paid attention to. then she got mad at him for something stupid and they didn't talk for a while. His good friend then asked her out and are now dating. My son now says he liked her. So for months he has gone through every emotion - anger, crying, sitting in dark for hours, then seems ok...now he just asks 7 times a day...do you think they will make it? Depending on the answer depends on his mood thereafter. I've gone on walks, tried to be nice, empathetic, then told him to move on, all of it. I'm tired of the whole thing. How can I get him to let go of this girl who, again, has a boyfriend. I understand crushes but to be affected for months seems unhealthy. Advice is appreciated! DadNeedsHelp Hi @DadNeedsHelp  No wonder you are feeling tired after providing support and trying to help your son move on for several months. First crushes and first relationships can feel really intense, and experiencing anger, distress, crying, and seeking reassurance are all pretty common, but you’re right that it is unusual for this to continue to affect someone so strongly for so long, and it sounds like it’s really impacting your son’s life overall. Often, when people experience a romantic disappointment (such as a break-up or unrequited crush), with a bit of time they can begin to feel better without any professional help. It sounds like you’ve also really tried to be there and be supportive during this time, which is often helpful when someone is going through a tough time. Occasionally, someone can get a bit ‘stuck’ and instead of things getting better over time as they usually would, the person keeps feeling distressed and like they can’t move on or accept that the relationship has ended (or that the person they are interested in is with someone else). Sometimes an upsetting event like this can also act as a catalyst for other worries or concerns that your son may be dealing with. You mention that your son repeatedly asks you about whether the relationship between his friend and the girl he has a crush on will last. It must be frustrating to be repeatedly asked the same question (especially one which you cannot have a definite answer to). Asking for reassurance like this is a common reaction when someone is dealing with an uncertain situation, and is finding this uncertainty difficult to deal with. In cases like this, providing too much reassurance can actually be unhelpful, because it encourages the person to keep asking (which keeps them in the loop of feeling worried, asking for reassurance and feeling better temporarily, then asking for reassurance again). Often, it’s more helpful to provide a brief, truthful response (that you don’t know), and re-direct the conversation. Itt’s important that this is done in a caring way - for instance, letting your son know that this is how you’ll be answering from now on, because it seems that the repeated questions haven’t been helpful for him. I’d also encourage you to explore the idea of professional support with your son. A counsellor or psychologist could help him sort through his thoughts and feelings, help him identify what is keeping him from being able to move forward, and work with him on strategies to deal with his emotions. Usually an issue like this would only require short term support. Your GP should be able to help you find someone local. If he doesn’t want to see someone face to face, calling a helpline could also be a good option for your son - Kids Helpline can provide support via phone or chat, or he could even try ReachOut’s online forums, which would allow him to communicate with peers, some of whom will have gone through something similar (he might feel that people close to his age will understand him better). Best wishes, Linda   Linda is a psychologist experienced in working with people across the lifespan, including teenagers and their families, in a variety of settings, and is ReachOut's Clinical Lead. ... View more

Mum of 4 ranging between 3 and 18. Older 2, have abusive behaviours like 18f explosive anger with a history of damaging property, gaslighting and anxiety. 14m has stonewalled, given silent treatment when talking about changes needed or mistakes made. As a result for the past 4 years there have been minimal changes to behaviours. I have turned myself inside out trying to be the best parent to compensate, as a result am almost constantly unwell and burnt out. Younger 2 (3 and 6) are beginning to settle into the same behaviours. Family all interstate, no friendships due to isolation, I have sought counselling and re-engagement I to the community but home dynamics not changing. In fact the more I re-engage with society the worse home environment appears. I do everything. 18f will not commit to anything, she was washing dishes after dinner but usually is very vocally annoyed so to keep peace for younger ones I do it. 14m will not do anything unless asked. He will do if asked but has to be reminded because will 'forget' after 5 minutes. We have 6 monthly rental inspections, each time I ask for help, at minimum for the older 2 to put away what they use and encourage the younger 2 as well but they don't. Each time I end up doing everything including repairs from 18f. I am studying externallly so it's an exhausting 2 weeks with myself always sick for about 4 days at the end. So now, 8 days out and asking for help, my son stares at me, my daughter changes the topic, the writing is on the wall and it's the same as always but worse as the younger 2 start copying. I am considering not repairing the holes my daughters made, not doing a thing except my studies and daily parental basic requirements and HOPING that we get evicted. That it will dissolve our unit and see myself move in with just the younger 2 and the 18f can fend for herself and the 14m can go to his father's or grandmothers. EVERYTHING is telling me to throw my hands in the air but it's heartbreaking. Things were getting better for a bit when my youngest 2s dad started actually spending time with them outside my home but he managed to get back in to seeing them here and will stay over. My older 2 don't respect me because of his presence I understand that. I feel very trapped and each time I stand up for what is right and in our best interests, collectively or individually, I am shot down for the benefit of those considering their own needs. I'm worried for my babies and worried for me. Need perspective and happy to answer questions Aj81lv Dear @Aj81lv, It sounds like an overwhelming situation and I can understand why you feel like giving up. You’ve been fighting a battle on multiple fronts - trying to manage the behaviour of four kids, dealing with rental inspections and studying all at once.  It makes sense that the deadline of the inspection would be the last straw for you right now. Unfortunately, with a situation like this which has developed over a long period of time there usually aren’t any quick fixes. You can only do what you can do, and if you can’t get things to the standard you would like them to be in time for the inspection, this isn’t your fault. You mention things have gotten to the point where you find yourself hoping to get evicted, because that could result in you living with your younger two children only. It sounds like you would feel more able to manage things if you were able to focus on the two of them. I’m wondering if there is a way that elements of this could happen without eviction happening, and if this is something you would want. Is there a possibility of your 14 year old son spending some staying with his father or grandmother to provide you with some respite? I suggest this because you mention that he would stay with them if you were evicted, so it sounds like they would have the ability to look after him in some circumstances. I don’t know if the thought about your daughter fending for herself does mean that you would prefer your daughter moves out. I know that this can be a really complex situation for parents of adult children, and I am not suggesting that you should tell her to move out, or that you need to let her stay. Only you can decide what is right for you and your family. I am concerned about how you describe her behaviour, and although you mention that you have had counselling in the past, I would encourage you to speak to someone who is experienced in working with people with abusive family members. This could help you identify how you can feel safer in relation to your daughter, and provide some space for you to talk through the situation. Since you mention that when you do try to stand up for yourself you get shot down, having someone to talk to who can support your decision making can also help you feel less trapped and alone. 1800Respect can provide some initial support as well as more specific referrals.  The more tired we are, the harder it is to deal with stress, and sometimes when feeling overwhelmed it is hard to do anything at all, and hard to feel like anything you do is enough. It sounds like you have been tired and overwhelmed for some time, so trying to tackle everything that is going on just isn’t practical at the moment. Sometimes it can help to pick one thing (the thing which feels easiest), and focus your energy on this. This can provide you with a sense of progress and make things a little easier. I don’t know the situation well enough to work out what would be easiest and what would be more tricky for you, because this is very individual, but I encourage you to have a think about this (once the inspection is over and done with) - whether this is setting a boundary (the kid’s dad not staying over if you’d prefer he didn’t), deciding not to do a task, or something else. Best wishes, Linda   Linda is a psychologist experienced in working with people across the lifespan, including teenagers and their families, in a variety of settings, and is ReachOut's Clinical Lead. ... View more

Hi, since the kids dad left 10years ago my 14year old son has took to technology to cope. The kids dad was an alcoholic and drug addict, he would play video games all day and night and rage at me for nothing because I accidentally walked in front of the tv or whatever. Now my son has taken up this trait which I am so pissed about. My parents would take the kids to help me while I had a mental health break and catch up on housework and just breathe. He has changed from the happy kid that used to be good at everything he did. He has not been diagnosed but I am almost positive he is depressed, antisocial, emotional, aggressive, insensitive person who thinks everyone owes him everything. I refused to buy broadband for this exact reason! My parents would reward him with internet and buying him **bleep** online to help his addiction of fortnight and apex legends when he went to their house. Then he would come home and rage at me for being poor and a **bleep** mum for not letting him do what he wanted or not being able to afford the crap he wanted on line. I saw the signs and told the workers they did tell my parents to stop and get them to be on the same page!! Lol it's not funny but it's just **bleep** that my parents let my FN kids play online 24/7 and then blame me for the kids being turds at home. I was forced into buying broadband, now getting yelled at everyday because it's so slow and always lags. I can't win. Nothing I try is working and I don't know what to do because he is emotionally and mentally lashing out at me and his autistic sister which causes her to have meltdowns then I have a emotional rant and then cry because I feel I have failed as a parent. I have mental health issues that stems from childhood trauma and domestic violence, I am getting the help I need to move forward and now I am able to notice the changes in others. Sadly with me being so open with my mental health I have been put into a category and being stigmatized for being open in my mental health struggle in some peoples eyes is a sign of weakness by asking for help. Thankyou. Sparkles85 Hi @Sparkles85,  It sounds like you are really exhausted by the constant hostility you are facing from your son. You’re already dealing with a lot, so to be met with anger and confrontation at home must be overwhelming. Seeking help to address trauma takes a lot of courage, and I am glad that you are getting the help you need. You may have already raised the effect that your son’s behaviour is having on you with the person you are seeing for your own mental health, but if not I encourage you to do so. It sounds like your son’s behaviour is bringing up some memories of how his father behaved, and it’s a good idea to address this in your therapy to identify ways to reduce the emotional impact of this on you. I want to acknowledge that you have already tried some different things to address the behaviour, and these haven’t worked yet. It’s hard to be specific in my recommendations, because that would require a much more detailed understanding of the situation (including what you have already tried), but I can make some general suggestions. When someone is pushing boundaries and behaving aggressively, having a consistent approach can be really helpful. Unfortunately, it sounds like in the past this wasn’t possible because your parents weren’t on the same page with you about things. This makes it even more important to identify where your boundaries are (sometimes this might involve making some compromises and picking your battles), and then being consistent regarding the consequences of breaking rules. Ideally, it would be really helpful to have a conversation with your teen about boundaries and rules and the consequences of breaking these - teens are more likely to accept consequences when they have had a voice in the process. There are some tips on that here: https://raisingchildren.net.au/teens/behaviour/behaviour-management-ideas/family-rules Even if he is not willing to work with you on family rules and consequences, having worked out for yourself where these boundaries lie, and being consistent about consequences can still have a positive effect. Often when the consequences of misbehaving are unpredictable, the behaviour gets worse. Becoming upset and emotional when your son lashes out at you and his sister is a very natural reaction! It sounds like it is causing you to feel more upset and less confident in your abilities, which is understandable, and also a good reason to think about tackling this as a first step. Of course, not becoming upset isn’t so easy. Most people find that when it comes to change, it’s best to start with a change in behaviour, not a change in how we feel, because we are more able to control our behaviour than our emotions. What response would you like to have when your son behaves in this way? It can be helpful to think this through in detail - what would you do and say if you were feeling less overwhelmed in the moment? This can actually help you behave calmly, even when you aren’t feeling calm (though it takes some practice). I’m also wondering if you have spoken to your son at all about what he likes about the video games he plays? If you can approach this with curiosity and willingness to listen, it can help you better understand your son’s interests, how he sees things and what his experience is like at the moment. It’s likely that his view of the role video games play in his life is pretty different to yours. Often, when we are stuck in conflict with someone, finding a way to connect with them and understand each other's viewpoint can help us identify a way forward. This can particularly be the case with parents and teens, because it's pretty common for parents and teens to initially see things from different perspectives, and then get caught up in conflict. @Sparkles85, I just want to acknowledge again the strength and perseverance you have shown, and I hope these ideas are helpful. Best wishes, Linda Linda is a psychologist experienced in working with people across the lifespan, including teenagers and their families, in a variety of settings, and is ReachOut's Clinical Lead. ... View more

I am so sad for my teenage daughter she has no friends. She started crying the other day and told me she gave up on friends they always made her a option. I asked her what she meant and she said I was never one they picked or wanted to hang out with "I was a option if they didn't have nothing else to do." She stated she got her feelings hurt all the time and just decided that no one wanted to be her friend and now accepts being alone. It breaks my heart she is the sweetest kindness child I know I watch her be alone daily never is she invited anywhere, she has a phone no one calls her it breaks my heart. I invite her with me I can't get her to go or so anything she does home school because she cried everyday she has to attend school. I'm worried, she seems to be ok but I know deep down she wants a friend to go out with everyone leaves her out never do they try and invite her she is really shy is what I have heard other teenage kids say about her. Never nothing bad. I have tried to make arrangements for her to meet up with a friend and they do and then nothing Please help any ideas or advice. Thank you from a concerned parent Lonelydaughter   Dear @Lonelydaughter,  It must be heartbreaking to see your daughter feel so rejected by her peers, particularly when you can see what a lovely person she is. You mention that she is quite shy, and it makes me wonder if she may be experiencing some social anxiety. This is really common, particularly if she feels others have judged her in the past. Sometimes people with social anxiety can appear withdrawn and quiet in social situations, which can make it hard for other people to feel connected with them, and get in the way of making friends. For this reason, addressing social anxiety and learning social skills can be helpful for some teens who have difficulty making friends. There is some info about social anxiety for teens here: https://au.reachout.com/articles/social-anxiety-disorder Sometimes it can take some time for teens to find a group of people they connect with (and who they can feel comfortable with and supported by). Looking for hobbies and activities which involve spending time with others can be a great way to meet people who they have things in common with. It can take time for friendships to develop, and this also gives them an activity to do which they find rewarding and engaging in the meantime However, this does involve your daughter feeling willing to reach out and try to connect with others, and it’s understandable that she doesn’t feel able to do this right now given she is feeling really hurt. Online groups (like the RO forums) can sometimes be a little easier for teens, as they may not feel as vulnerable as a face to face connection. It could also be really helpful for your daughter to talk to a professional (such as a psychologist), which could give her some time and space to talk about how she is feeling, and also can be helpful if there is underlying social anxiety or self-esteem issues which are contributing to the situation. A GP can refer you to a local mental health professional. You seem like a really caring parent, and this is a tough situation. Don’t forget to also look after your own wellbeing (here are some self-care ideas), as this can help ensure you have enough emotional energy to keep supporting your daughter. Best wishes, Linda   Linda is a psychologist experienced in working with people across the lifespan, including teenagers and their families, in a variety of settings, and is ReachOut's Clinical Lead. ... View more

My 13-year-old daughter has begun food restriction for several weeks. I feel so helpless. The doctor wants to medicate her, she refuses. There must be more helpful things to do rather than medication? Rainbow22 Hi @Rainbow22 , Medication can be a helpful part of treatment for disordered eating, and is often used alongside other treatments like psychotherapy, nutrition management or family-based approaches. It’s not the only option and not everyone with an eating disorder needs to be on medication to recover. Because eating disorders can be complex, often treatment will involve more than one health professional - for instance there might be a psychologist, GP and dietician. It’s great that you have already taken your daughter to see a doctor, and it looks like you have acted quite soon after noticing concerns, which is really encouraging. I can understand how having your daughter refusing to take medication has left you feeling helpless. It’s really common for a person with an eating disorder to be reluctant to get help, and that’s where having health professionals who are knowledgeable about eating disorders is important. Not all psychologists or GPs will specialise in this area, but those who do will be familiar with teens feeling reluctant to engage and can help you work out how best you can support your daughter. The Butterfly Foundation which Maddy and Philippa mentioned has a search engine which allows you to look for professionals in your area who are specifically trained in eating disorders (or if you give them a call and they can have a chat with you about this). Depending on your location, in addition to the Medicare-rebated sessions which Maddy mentioned, there may be programs for children with eating disorders available through your local public health service (if you contact your local Child and Adolescent Mental Health service or local hospital they will be able to direct you). It’s pretty common for someone who is restricting food (or having other difficulties around food) to be also experiencing anxiety, depression or other concerns, so if you haven’t already had a chat with your daughter about this, it is a good idea to check in around how she is feeling in general. She may or may not want to talk about things right now, but just knowing that you support her and are there to listen is important. Sometimes in this situation parents may feel the urge to reassure their child about their weight or appearance. This is really understandable, but it’s best not to focus on weight or appearance (even by saying something positive) as it may still be interpreted in a negative way and can encourage a preoccupation with weight and appearance. If you’re expressing concerns it’s better to focus on health and behaviour. It can also be helpful to look for opportunities to provide positive feedback to your daughter in general. This can involve noticing things she does well, or positive qualities she has, and mentioning them in a way feels genuine and natural to you. I’m sure that this is something that you already do, but when someone is going through a tough time, making a specific effort to notice what they are doing well can be really meaningful. Lastly, I want to just acknowledge that this is a tough situation, and encourage you to also look after yourself. This could be involve making sure you are taking time for self-care, talking to a friend, or reaching out to professional options (the Butterfly foundation provides support to carers too). Best wishes, Linda Linda is a psychologist experienced in working with people across the lifespan, including teenagers and their families, in a variety of settings, and is ReachOut's Clinical Lead.   ... View more