My 13-year old daughter came to me a year ago and said she thinks she wants to be a boy. She said these feelings started the previous year (the start of the pandemic). I am being as supportive as I can with her cutting her hair short and wearing boyish clothing. She is going by a different name and using he/him pronouns with her group of friends and with 2 of her 6 teachers. She says she is not ready for me to yet because she's not quite comfortable enough. I worry that this being a different person for different people is going to cause her even more confusion about who she is. Her friends are starting to pull away from her, bonding more with each other and leaving her out. She doesn't want to do anything but sit on her ipad and draw or watch movies/shows/tiktok/youtube. It's all very difficult for me to watch because she is such a sweet, loving, sensitive child and only wants to be accepted. She is in therapy but we just started so it's too soon to tell. This is such a tough age already, but I feel this is becoming serious because she is so depressed and withdrawn and we can't seem to get past it. If anyone has gone through a similar situation, I'd greatly appreciate some advice. I'm more concerned about her low self-esteem than I am about her gender confusion. Or is one causing the other? I'm at a loss! Hi @momof2_21,  You seem like a very caring and supportive parent and it is lovely to hear you describe your child as sweet and loving. It is understandable that it is really difficult for you at the moment, wanting to be able to ease their distress and being limited in how much you can help.* It’s really great that you have been able to access therapy for them. You’re right that it can take a little while to begin to notice positive changes from therapy, and to identify whether it is helpful. It can be even harder for parents of teens, balancing being supportive of the teen’s need for privacy and also wanting to make sure they have access to the right support. It can be helpful to keep the lines of communication open by letting your child know that if they ever want to talk about how they are finding therapy, you are happy to talk about this with them (and this wouldn’t mean that they would need to tell you what they discuss in therapy). You mention you’re not sure if your teen’s low-self esteem relates to their gender diversity - that can be tricky to know, because everyone is an individual. Gender diverse teens are more likely to experience depression and anxiety, and their experiences of stigma, discrimination and not feeling accepted are a factor in this. However, teens of all genders can experience periods of low mood or anxiety, and gender is only one aspect of individual identity. Working out what is causing their low mood may be something your child can explore in therapy. The most helpful thing you can do is continue to focus on being supportive in all aspects of your child’s life. This includes things you are already doing - like using the correct pronouns and supporting their decisions on clothing, and making sure they have access to further support via therapy, and continuing to let them know you love them. It can also be really helpful to ask them if they have any ideas on how they would like to be supported by you. You mention that they are spending a lot of time watching movies/shows etc. This is pretty common when someone’s mood is low - it's an activity which does not take a lot of energy, and can help distract from upsetting thoughts. If you’re looking for ways to connect, you could ask about watching something together. This allows you to spend time with each other, but doesn’t create pressure to talk about things (which they may not feel like doing) and also lets them know you care about what they are interested in (I’d suggest that your teen pick the show to watch). Of course, not every teen will say yes to this idea, but even the suggestion shows caring and can help them feel supported and less alone. You mention being worried that using different pronouns in different contexts will be confusing for your child. It’s understandable that you want to make sure that they don’t experience any further stress when they are having a tough time. Actually, the best approach is to continue to let them decide what they are most comfortable with in terms of pronouns, and there’s no reason to think this will make them feel confused - they may be still working out aspects of their identity and how they want to express it, and giving them space to do so can help them work out their thoughts and feelings and be beneficial to their wellbeing. Being the parent of a teen can be really emotionally demanding, and this is much more the case when they are going through a tough time, so I also encourage you to think about what you do in order to look after yourself. Whether it’s talking with a friend, exercise, listening to music or something entirely different, it’s important that you prioritise taking breaks from focusing on your child to also recharge your own batteries, so that you can stay well and continue to have the energy to support them. Best wishes, Linda *A note about pronouns: I’ve used they/them pronouns in my response as I am not sure if your young person would prefer me to use she/her as you do, or he/him as some other people in their life do. I want to acknowledge it’s an imperfect approach, and my usual approach would be to check in with the person directly regarding this.   Linda is a psychologist experienced in working with people across the lifespan, including teenagers and their families, in a variety of settings, and is ReachOut's Clinical Lead. ... View more

My 13yr old has confessed to sending a mildly explicit snap upon the request of someone who has now threatened to send the photos to all her followers unless she sends more explicit photos. Then the perpetrator proceeded to send nude photos of themselves. What should we do? I found her in a panic attack situation wishing she could die but ive managed to help her settle. We have reported the user profile to snapchat and blocked him Hi @Wheetbiz, What a difficult situation for you and your daughter. Great work on reporting the user profile to Snapchat and I hope that @Philippa-RO's response has been helpful in terms of the options to follow-up on the legal side of things. I wanted to follow-up a bit regarding the emotional impact of such a stressful event. You mention that your daughter was in panic at the time, which is a very natural and expected reaction to the situation. You also mentioned your daughter ‘wishing she could die’. This isn’t an uncommon thing for someone to say, particularly when they are feeling panicked, and isn’t always meant literally. However, I do recommend having a chat with her about whether she is experiencing thoughts of dying. I suggest talking about this at a time when both of you are calm, and to take an approach of curiosity and wanting to understand how she is feeling. You can find more tips on this here. If your daughter is experiencing thoughts of suicide, it’s important to arrange for her to see a GP or psychologist. Sometimes something really distressing happening can result in someone feeling unsettled and anxious for a while, and other times teens will react to something really strongly at the time, but will bounce back pretty quickly. There’s no ‘right’ way to respond, and not every teen who has something upsetting will need professional support like seeing a psychologist or counsellor. A guide to when to consider professional support would be if your daughter wants to be able to talk more about what happened with someone, or if you’re noticing that she’s continuing to be distressed and not feeling better over time. She might also want to take some time to think about whether she wants to talk to someone about what happened. If she is not at risk of harming herself, I’d recommend mentioning the option of professional help but giving her space and time to decide whether it is something she wants. What happened is not your daughter’s fault, but she may be experiencing some feelings of shame and guilt. This is a really common response to someone making these kinds of threats. When speaking to her, it’s important to stay consistent that what happened is not her fault, and that the other person did the wrong thing. You may be feeling worried about your daughter sending a mildly explicit snap initially. If you’re worried that peer pressure may have played a role in that, then you might find this guide on peer pressure helpful. Best wishes, Linda   Linda is a psychologist experienced in working with people across the lifespan, including teenagers and their families, in a variety of settings, and is ReachOut's Clinical Lead. ... View more

I’ve been battling dealing with my 13 year old out of control daughter for almost 12 months. We live in a small country town, so waited quite some time to get professional help. At the moment, I’m struggling to get to to go to school. She says she hates school & has no friends. I’ve offered her to change schools, but she doesn’t want to. I’m at the point where I’m sick of going up to the school for meetings & them ringing/txting me, because she just doesn’t want to be there. I’m a single mum with a 6 year old also. I do shift work & on the days I’m home, I could spend till lunch time, trying to get her to go to school. She just wants to stay home & do nothing. She is on medication for anxiety & depression. Evelyn Hi @Evelyn ,  What a tough situation to be in - it sounds like you have a lot on your plate, so no wonder you are feeling frustrated. You mention that your daughter is on medication for anxiety and depression - does she feel like it is helping her anxiety and mood? If not (and she has been on the medication for at least 6 weeks), I would recommend seeing the prescribing doctor again - because everyone is different, sometimes medication needs to be adjusted before finding the dosage and medication which works best. I understand it took some time before your daughter was able to see a professional - I’m not sure if this was for the medication, or if she has been able to see a psychologist or counsellor as well. Seeing someone in addition to being on medication is usually really helpful, because it can help people work out other strategies which will help improve their mood and help reduce their anxiety, which can help improve behaviour. If it’s likely to be a while before your daughter can see someone, she might be open to trying some self-help tips as a starting point. https://au.reachout.com/articles/self-help-for-depression https://au.reachout.com/articles/how-to-manage-your-anxiety-and-stress If your daughter is feeling anxious and depressed, it’s not surprising she doesn’t want to go to school. But, not going to school isn’t going to help her mood long-term (and the longer she is away the more anxious she may feel about going back). So it’s great that you have been doing your best to get her to go to school. It could also be really helpful to explore with her what parts of school are particularly difficult, and if there is anything which would make it easier. It sounds like you have found your conversations with the school about this pretty frustrating so far. Instead of waiting for the next time they call you, you may find it helpful to arrange to speak with them to ask about what they can do to support you in this. It is reasonable to expect them to be able to offer some support or accommodations to make things easier, and asking for this directly can be the best way to make sure they offer some form of support. This could take the form of a school counsellor or student welfare officer, or could mean that your daughter is allowed to attend a shorter day at first (if this makes it easier for her to go), or able to skip activities which make her particularly anxious (such as talking in front of the class). There’s also some more information about tackling school refusal here: https://raisingchildren.net.au/school-age/school-learning/school-refusal/school-refusal One last thing - it’s okay not to be perfect at this. Even if you are only able to get your daughter to go to school some of the time, this is more often than she would be going without your perseverance and hard work. It can take time for improvements to be noticeable, and there will be ups and downs. Some parents find it helpful to take note of good days or ‘wins’ which can help keep you going on the days where things are especially tough. Best wishes, Linda   Linda is a psychologist experienced in working with people across the lifespan, including teenagers and their families, in a variety of settings, and is ReachOut's Clinical Lead. ... View more

I've just found out that my almost 13 year old son has been sending quite rude and offensive comments in a group chat. He isn't bullying anyone as such but he is engaging with the chat in a way that is not ok, including sharing a picture of some celebrity butt and making overtly sexual comments and being over the top rude with sexual comments and bad language that don't seem at all consistent with the tone of the rest of the group chat. This was brought to my attention by another concerned parent and I've been asked to have my son remove himself from the group chat which I will absolutely do. I'm sitting awake trying to figure out how to handle this when he wakes up. I've been on the esafety website and raisingchildren.net but there is so much info its a bit overwhelming and also related to protecting children from others online (ie blocking) but what do I do when my child is the problem???? He also has quite severe anxiety and alot of his communication and sense of connection comes from online communication so I don't want to take this away from him completely. My questions are: * How do I monitor my son's phone and internet interactions? (He has his own phone) * How much monitoring is too much monitoring? (I know teenagers deserve some privacy and opportunity to connect with their peers and figure some of this stuff out themselves) * What would you do??? Consequences etc. (His 13th birthday is in 2 weeks and he was going to be getting a new tv, phone and xbox upgrade) Update: We've had a talk this morning and he's shown me through the chats and has removed himself from all group chats. He doesn't have his phone today and I told him we would talk more after school about what needs to change moving forward.   Hi @Sunglasses,  You seem like a very attentive and responsible parent. It sounds like your son’s behaviour in the group chat came as quite a surprise to you. This is understandable - you don’t mention past similar behaviour, so it sounds like he hasn’t been rude or offensive in other contexts. Sometimes group chat (and other online communication) can provide a sense of freedom that can be both good and bad. It can be good because it can reduce anxiety around social situations and make it easier for teens to talk, but it can also have a downside - sometimes people will say things that they would not say in person, and not really consider consequences and the impact on other people in the same way. You mentioned that he isn’t bullying anyone ‘as such’, but it sounds like the rude and sexual comments are tending in this direction. Responding to behaviour as soon as you become aware of it is a great way to prevent things getting out of hand, so now is a good time to explore what is happening more generally for your son. It sounds like you have already spoken with him, which is a good first step - getting his perspective on what happened as well as generally on how things are going for him can make him more willing to listen to your concerns and encourages open communication. Teens can be rude or disruptive in how they communicate or can bully others for a variety of reasons. For instance, teens who are struggling to make friends will sometimes behave in different ways to see what will result in attention or approval from others, or to express their anger and frustration. If this is the case for your son, then focusing on addressing the cause of the behaviour (for instance finding other ways to express anger) can help. You mention your son has severe anxiety. If he is not currently having any treatment for this, I would recommend this as something to consider. He is at a really good age to learn skills to manage and reduce symptoms of anxiety. This can be something which improves his ability to cope with some of the challenges of the teenage years. If anxiety or other concerns are a factor in his behaviour, I am not suggesting that this is an excuse or that it should mean there are no consequences. Consequences are an important part of learning. I think having his online communication monitored more closely is a really natural and sensible consequence. @kidfitmindset and @Philippa-RO have already made some great suggestions about monitoring. I’d encourage you to be transparent with him that you will be monitoring his phone use (it sounds like you were planning on this, but sometimes parents feel that they need to monitor without the teen knowing, which can create problems down the track!). You show great awareness that he also needs to be able to communicate online in order to remain socially connected. There’s no universal ‘right’ amount of monitoring - it does depend on your comfort level and can vary over time. In fact, having a relatively higher level of monitoring to start, and providing more freedom and flexibility as your son demonstrates he can communicate responsibly can be a way of creating a reward for good behaviour. Best wishes, Linda   Linda is a psychologist experienced in working with people across the lifespan, including teenagers and their families, in a variety of settings, and is ReachOut's Clinical Lead. ... View more

I remarried after being divorced for 3 years. My middle son adored my new husband and was very much in favor of the marriage. He was 11 when I first introduced them and 12 when we got married. My Son and his Dad had a rocky relationship and my Son really enjoyed spending time with my new husband. As my Son and his Dad became closer, my Son pushed my new Husband away. He was a teenager now with all the hormones to go with it and there was a lot of attitude and hostility whenever we would tell my Son to do something or tell him he couldn’t do something. Most of the time I was the one who disciplined or my ex but there were a few times when my husband got tired of the way the kid was treating me and would get upset. Words only nothing physical but my Son especially resented getting in trouble with my husband. There was a lot of tension in the house and I felt like I was the one always trying to make everyone happy and get along. Then the Pandemic hit and my Husband lost his job. There were no jobs to be found in the State we lived in. He did apply to some that weren’t really in his field but wasn’t even given a call back. I too tried to find an extra job and got nothing. My husband started applying to positions out of State. He got an interview for a great job but it was very far away. I knew the kids would be upset and wasn’t sure what to do. I talked to my ex and told him of the situation and asked if it was possible for the kids to live with him if they didn’t want to move with us. Given the better school system they were in, their friends and their ages, I thought the least selfish thing I could do was give them a choice. We sat them down, told them the situation and they both said they wanted to move in with their Dad. My daughter was very upset and my Son at the time was very understanding. Once my husband accepted the job my Son’s attitude changed and he was very angry. He moved out shortly after and would barely speak to me. I had him over for his Birthday and made all of his favorites but he was very cold. Toward the end he started to warm up a little and I had some hope. The next day he came to get his Sister to go to my ex’s family event and he wouldn’t look at me or speak to me! My Husband was already in another State as he had to start his new job right away and I had stayed behind to sell the house. He had texted me right after my Son left and I vented in a text about how hurt I was that my Son was treating me this way! Unfortunately my Husband sent an angry text to my Son about needing to grow up and understand that life doesn’t always work the way you want and nobody wanted to have to move but he shouldn’t blame me for it. Had I known he was going to send the text I would have stopped him but he told me after it was already done. This was like throwing gasoline on a fire! I tried to talk to my Son after that but he just sat there not really saying anything. After I finally joined my husband, my daughter wasn’t talking to me either. She came around after a couple months and now our relationship is much much better. My Son ignores every message I send him and all of my calls go to voicemail. He won’t even see me when I visit and his Father does nothing to make that happen. Now he is 18 and legally an adult. I’m going back for a visit next week to see my daughter perform and want to see my Son more than anything but I have no idea how to even go about trying to make that happen. At this point I don’t know if he will ever speak to me again and it completely devastates me! I feel like a complete failure as a Mother   Dear @Usedtobemomof3, I want to start by acknowledging how upset and sad you must be feeling. Being separated from a loved one is a very deep hurt. Adult children not talking to their parents is more common than a lot of people realise - it's something that people are often reluctant to talk about (either due to the pain of the situation or feelings of shame). You’re not alone in this experience. When reaching out to someone who is estranged, it can be helpful to let them know that you are willing to listen to them about their feelings and acknowledge any hurt that you have caused (even when this hasn’t been deliberate). It’s important initially not to try to persuade them to understand your reasons or see things from your point of view. It sounds like you have made a lot of attempts to try to talk to your son. When there is a rift like this, after an initial contact attempt to acknowledge how they are feeling and let the person know you’d like to rebuild the relationship, it's important to give them the space to decide if and when they’d like to make contact.  This can be really difficult, and a year is a long time (and no doubt it feels even longer), but sometimes when a parent is making regular attempts to get back in touch, the child will feel pressured and be less likely to respond.  I’m not sure how often you have been leaving messages or attempting to call your son, but if you have tried a number of times I would recommend taking a break. I know that your intent in trying to reach out to your son is based on love and wanting to connect. Taking a break could be helpful for both of you - your son is more likely to be willing to talk if it is his decision (versus feeling pressured), and it also gives you a break from the stressful cycle of reaching out and waiting for a reply which doesn’t come. Sometimes parents find it easier to take a break if they send a message letting their child know that they won’t be attempting contact for a while, but that the door is always open. People tend to associate grief with someone dying, but grief can be a reaction to any kind of loss - including loss of a relationship when a loved one is not speaking with you. Thinking about the distress you’re feeling as a form of grief can be a useful way of understanding it.  In talking about grief, I’m not saying that thing won’t change - it is entirely possible that this isn’t forever and your son will be willing to talk to you in the future. The truth is I don’t know, and I want to acknowledge that the uncertainty makes this particularly hard for you. Regardless of whether he reaches out in the future, thinking about this as grief can be a helpful way of understanding how you are feeling now.  When grieving, it’s normal to feel sad, and to be angry, and to question past events and decisions. It’s also normal to try to ‘fix’ the situation. Although written for a bereavement, the tips here may be helpful to you (it’s on our youth site but is relevant to someone of any age), and I would also suggest that continuing to focus on positive relationships that you do have (such as with your daughter) can also help. I wish you the best, Linda ... View more

We have a 15mo old and I am newly pregnant but sometimes as sad as it seems I feel like it would still be easier to do it by myself than to have to keep dealing with my husband's 14 year old son coming over for long periods of time. I DREAD when we have him. Me and my husband also have a lot of the same arguments. It’s such a hard situation and I always tell people if I could go back in time I would have never dated a man with a child. I am just not cut out for it. I also feel like it got worse when I had my own kids. Most just don’t understand and make sure you feel like a terrible person for your feelings.   Hi @Juelsrose, I hope it’s okay we’ve combined a couple of your posts, so that it is easier for people reading this post to understand the situation. Thanks for your bravery in sharing your experience. It can be really hard to talk about disliking a child - there’s so much expectation that somehow step-parents will automatically love their stepchildren, and it’s just not realistic. Of course, it does happen that way for some people, but for many more people it’s much more complicated. It sounds like you’re not interested in having a closer relationship with your stepson, which is absolutely okay. Each relationship is different, and working towards a close relationship isn’t the best approach for everyone. You also don’t want things to continue as they are, because the current situation is distressing for you and impacting the whole family. With that in mind, my response is not aimed at getting you to be closer to your stepson, but more about navigating your emotions at the moment. In particular, I wanted to acknowledge that feeling of dread you mention - it sounds even when your stepson is not there, you’re mentally and emotionally preparing for his presence. That must be exhausting! When someone is in a complicated situation, there are often multiple factors contributing to how they are feeling. The things that I can notice which are creating distress for you at the moment are: - Having someone else (stepson) present and involved in the life you have with your husband and child - Your stepson’s behaviour, which can be frustrating and difficult for you - Your husband’s response to the situation  - Your feelings towards your stepson in general It’s likely that all these things blend together for you, instead of being entirely separate in terms of how they make you feel. The reason that I have separated these out this way is that when dealing with stressful emotions (like anger, frustration, dread, etc) accurately identifying the cause of the emotions is an important part in tackling them. If everything is just tangled together into the ‘stepson’ issue, then this increases the chance that your frustration will increase, and it will feel less and less that things can get better. It can also lead to increased resentment, because it can feel like your stepson is responsible for everything, even the parts he cannot control. Separating things out can provide a little space to acknowledge your feelings about your stepson, but also keeping things in perspective and recognise the complexity of the situation.  It also provides the possibility of responding differently based on which aspect of the situation is bothering you most at a given time.  The current situation is probably not what you pictured your life with your husband being like. Even in cases where a step-parent likes their stepchild, there can still be a strain from having someone other than their spouse and children so closely involved in their life. Feeling a sense of loss and distress when things aren’t how you wanted them is really normal and understandable. Acknowledging and making room for this sense of disappointment can be helpful in reaching a point of accepting the current situation as it is. At the same time, if there are aspects of your step-son’s behaviour which are an issue, then it is reasonable to take more of a problem-solving approach, and work with your husband to address boundaries and consequences for that behaviour.  If your husband’s response is contributing to your unhappiness with the situation, then this is actually something which needs to be addressed as a relationship issue between the two of you in order to really get better (instead of this being seen as an issue between you and your stepson, which will just increase your resentment of him). I know this is easier said than done and addressing these relationship issues can themselves take time, but identifying the issue is the first step. Sometimes reframing the situation this way can actually make your partner more willing to address it, as they feel less need to defend their child against criticism. So this leaves your feelings toward step son in general. It’s possible that nothing will change how you feel about him. But, by tackling the other aspects contributing to your stress, you might find that these feelings are easier to bear.  Many people do also find that there is value in finding common ground, even if you don’t want to build a close relationship with someone. Think about the approach you may take with a relative you find annoying. They might be present in your life due to time spent together with others, and perhaps you strongly disagree on things which are important to you, but have something you do have in common (liking the same sports team, or you both are happy to talk about the same TV show). Taking this approach of finding some safe topics can make time spent in their presence far less stressful for you both. I’m not seeking to trivialise the challenge, I know that a stepchild is present far more often and there is more at stake than a relative you only see at family functions. But thinking about it in this way can make it a little easier to take a step back from the constant struggle, and move towards something that looks a little more like ‘peaceful coexistence’. If you’re finding this is ongoing and things just aren’t improving, then I would encourage you to consider seeing someone for individual counselling, to make sure you have a space where you can express how you are feeling and be heard without judgement, as well as work out what strategies would be most effective for you. Thanks, Linda   Linda is a psychologist experienced in working with people across the lifespan, including teenagers and their families, in a variety of settings, and is ReachOut's Clinical Lead. ... View more

So my daughter has been very low in mood since puberty hit and she was seeing a psychologist about a year ago after she admitted to me that she had thoughts of self harming. She had a few weeks of meeting with the psychologist after which she decided she felt ok again and didn't need to keep going. Today she is texting me from school saying she lays awake every night thinking about self harm and suicide. I've got her an appointment with our GP who is wonderful but it's so hard in my area to get a regular appointment with Headspace and there doesn't seem to be anything else. I guess what I'm asking is how do you all cope when it feels like love is not enough to keep my daughter from feeling the way she does?   Dear @JJsunny, It is great to hear that you’ve got a GP who you trust and have arranged an appointment for your daughter - having a good GP can make such a difference. Your GP may know of additional services in your area to help get your daughter further help sooner. It is understandable that you would be finding your daughter’s distress difficult to cope with. I am sure that your love and care are having a positive impact, but thoughts of suicide and self-harm can be complex and they can appear even when someone is surrounding by loving family.  It’s a really encouraging sign that your daughter has told you how she is feeling. It may be helpful to ask her what kind of support would be most helpful at the moment. She might have ideas about what helps her feel better (for instance, she might want to talk things through, or she might not want to talk but spending time together might help). If she is not sure what would be helpful, then that is really common and is okay, but asking lets her know that you are listening to what she needs and wants.  Because your daughter is experiencing thoughts of suicide, I would recommend talking to her about creating a safety plan to help keep her safe.  She might also find this guide on self-help for self-harm helpful as a starting point, and there are some coping skills you can work on with her which can also help with her mood. Even if she begins to feel better as a result of these things, I would still recommend following-up with a psychologist, even if it takes some time to see someone. Lots of people find that their mood goes up and down over time, and part of what a psychologist can do with her is work on skills to help her longer-term. Having a child who is experiencing thoughts of suicide is stressful, and it’s important to also look after your own wellbeing. As a first step, I generally encourage people to think about what has worked best for them in the past when they are feeling overwhelmed. This is because you probably already have some skills you’ve developed when dealing with difficult situations which could be relevant now (and you’re the person who knows the most about what works for you). If it feels like trying some new skills would be helpful, or you’re finding it hard to identify what you might need at the moment, the coping skills document I linked to above is also relevant for parents as well as teens. If you feel overwhelmed, or and your mood is being significantly affected by what is happening with your daughter, it’s a good idea to also see your GP about your own wellbeing.  Best wishes, Linda   Linda is a psychologist experienced in working with people across the lifespan, including teenagers and their families ,in a variety of settings, and is ReachOut's Clinical Lead. ... View more

It's been awhile since I've been to the forum. That's not because things have been smooth sailing. Rather, my 15 year old daughter has had a series of health issues and it's been quite full on. It started off with a worsening reaction to MSG and she developed anaphylaxis and now has an epi pen. When she was in primary school, she was diagnosed with a condition called gastroparesis which is basically means it takes a lot longer for her to process her food. This is a physical condition. However, on top of that she has also had rumination disorder, and while this is long standing it was only diagnosed officially last week. This is considered a psychological disorder, and it wouldn't surprise me if it stemmed from long term trauma related to my acute health. We largely have these issues covered in terms of dealing with the specifics. However, she's had a lot of trouble sleeping and can't get to sleep until about 4.00am. She locked away in her room most of the time and the few rare words she says to me have attitude. We're usually pretty close but she's become like a cactus. We live in Greater Sydney and have been in lockdown for about 6 weeks now. She missed a lot of school prior to that due to being sick and in hospital and so she's dropped off the radar at school and isn't zooming in. I've got medical certificates and school is adjusting her workload but I feel so powerless as a parent looking at this closed door and trying to connect. Given my own health issues, I understand her being angry and having that compounded by covid doesn't help. She refuses to talk to anyone but there is a teacher she's close to. She always dances intensely and I see dance as a way of easing her out of this slump and moving forward. I know I've given you quite a list of problems there. So maybe looking for help on how to encourage teens out of their room and to connect and also ways to help my husband and I cope better. I must say her older brother has been very patient with her. He's 17 and been hit hard by lock down himself but seems to understand she's struggling. Fortunately, she has a boyfriend. I think it's fortunate. Best wishes, Birdwings PS As I reached the end of writing this, a little voice reminded me of writing down at least one thing that went well that day. I have tried to get that going with the family before but will try again and try in for myself too. I at least have some influence over myself, although I have my own struggles with being a night owl which remind me of my own human frailty. ------------------------------------------------------ Update: I have been more successful at taking care of myself in the latter part of this week. I went kayaking with my husband today and feel so good afterwards. With my mobility issues exercise can be a dirty word and it can feel very cosy at home, even though I know it's not looking after myself. My patience and perseverance with my daughter paid off and she has been spending more time with me and out of her room. So, I've tried to be available. It can be like leaving a little trail outside their bedroom door waiting for them to come out and thankfully she is responding. Best wishes, Birdwings   Dear @Birdwings , I hope you don’t mind me rather belatedly replying to your post, even though in the meantime it sounds like you have made some really good progress (and also Janine has offered some great support). It sounds like your daughter has been through so much, and it makes sense that this would be affecting her mood and making it hard for her to participate in school at the moment. It’s good to hear that there are also some positives - her dancing, her relationship with you which is usually close, her brother, the teacher she is close to. As you know, lots of people (both teens and adults) are finding the lockdown tough. So much of what we usually do to manage stress and connect with others isn’t possible right now. The impact of this isn’t always the same, so often people will have days or weeks which are better and worse. Retreating to a bedroom and not wanting to talk are really common when teens are going through a tough time. In lockdown it can also be a response to the rest of the household being home all the time. Since they can’t leave the house to get time away from family members, and people aren’t leaving for school or work, some teens can feel like they aren’t getting the personal space they need. People also tend to be more irritable and argue more when they are in close contact all the time without the chance for breaks (as you may have noticed pre-pandemic if you’ve been on road trips with your kids when they were younger). I was really encouraged to see in your second post how you had responded to your daughter - by being patient, providing opportunities to spend time together, and giving her a chance to respond. The way you describe it, “leaving a trail” is such a great description. Aside from making her more likely to reach out, it also sends a message to your daughter about how you want your relationship with her to be - one where you offer support and encouragement, but also provide her with choice. I would imagine that there will continue to be ups and downs in terms of your daughter staying in her room, but I think you are on the right track and doing a great job keeping the lines of communication open. This can then lead your daughter to be more open to address some of the other things that are worrying you (though it may take some time). I also like how you mentioned noticing something that went well as something you can do when you are feeling discouraged. What a great way to remind yourself of something positive! I’ve also seen people use this as a way to notice strengths and things which help. Done regularly, this can make it easier to identify small steps you can take to make things better. It sounds like it has been an incredibly demanding year for you as well, so I am pleased to hear that you have been thinking about how you can take care of yourself. Kayaking sounds like a great activity - being in nature can be really emotionally nourishing, and it’s great to have an activity you can do with your husband - worrying about your kids can be tough on the relationship between parents as well, so it is helpful to spend time together. I know it is really hard to take time for yourself when so much is happening, but I encourage you to do so when you can - it really can help you cope with stressful situations. Sometimes it might be something small, and it can help to pause and think “What do I really need at the moment?”. This might be doing something creative, gentle exercise (when mobility issues allow) or giving yourself permission to be unproductive. Best wishes, Linda   Linda is a psychologist experienced in working with people across the lifespan, including teenagers and their families, in a variety of settings, and is ReachOut's Clinical Lead. ... View more

15 year old daughter has no friends and thinks she is going to die before she is an adult 15 year old daughter who has been diagnosed with learning delays, and high functioning autism thinks she is an alien because of her indifferences and she has no friends. She is so worried that if she tries to attempt to make friends they will all make fun of her. She has anxiety, but she doesn't seem depressed. She just spends all day on social media and her father and I are always trying to get her to try new things, but too no avail. Her health is deteriorating rapidly because she won't get out of bed. She says she is fine, but I am worried about her all around being. When I do manage to get her to go do something she is scared to death if I'm not right within touching area. My health is deteriorating quickly as well as I've been in the hospital most of this year with GI issues and cancer scares. I want to be able to guide her on a positive path to finding her own identity, but I feel as though I'm running out of time, and her father hides by working all the time. DoodleBug   Dear @DoodleBug, I’m sorry to hear about your health - what a challenge it must be dealing with your own serious health issues while also looking for ways to support your daughter. It sounds like there are a number of things happening with your daughter at the moment which are worrying you - aside from her not having friends, you also mention that you are concerned that she isn’t getting out of bed, and is experiencing some pretty significant anxiety. When you mention your daughter’s deteriorating health, I am not sure if you are talking only about her mental health (which is very important by itself), or if there are also physical concerns. These can certainly be related - often when someone is experiencing strong anxiety or depression they may stop doing activities which help keep them physically well (such as eating and drinking regularly; showering; getting some sleep; and physical activity). I would encourage you to take her to see a GP for a check-up if possible, or even talk to your GP about your concerns as a first step if she is not willing to go. If you haven’t had an open conversation with your daughter yet about why you are worried about her, I would recommend this - it’s also important to get her perspective on things and find out what her concerns are. On the one hand, she says that she is fine, but on the other, it sounds like there are some things she has identified as issues (e.g. worrying about doing things without you, about making friends, and about her health). This suggests that you may be able to find some common ground in terms of identifying that there are some things about her life or how she is feeling which she would like to be different.   When someone is really struggling, small steps are more achievable than big ones - right now the idea of making friends may seem impossible to your daughter, and it may be more helpful to focus on small steps to improve her wellbeing - identifying small things she enjoys and finding ways to do these more, working with her on a plan to help her get out of bed each day, addressing any problems she might be having with sleep, etc. You don’t have to do all these things at once, letting your daughter choose one thing to focus on at a time can help her make progress without feeling overwhelmed.  It’s also important to acknowledge and validate your daughter’s efforts when she does do something, even if it is something small (as long as you can do so in a genuine way - teens know when we aren’t being sincere). When someone is feeling overwhelmed, even normal, everyday tasks can require a huge effort, and having someone recognise that can really make a difference. Ideally it would be great to have her father on board with this as well and helping out, and I want to acknowledge how difficult and frustrating it must be that he is avoiding the issue. Addressing this issue with him is an option and could be helpful so that you aren't trying to do this alone, but sometimes trying to tackle multiple things at once (caring for your daughter and also addressing her father's role) can be overwhelming so you might prefer to focus on things with your daughter. Without knowing more about the relationship and situation I could not say which approach will be more helpful at the moment - and it is completely okay to decide based on what feels like it will be more achievable for you. If your daughter is open to it (or willing to at least give it a try), talking to a professional might be a good outlet for her, and particularly if she is worried about making friends, they can discuss with her some of these concerns. Your GP can help identify local options to access professional help. Lastly, I want to acknowledge that in difficult situations like this, sometimes parents can feel so much pressure to be supporting their child that they feel unable to take any time to look after themselves. It can get very draining to be constantly focused on how you can help your daughter, and it is okay to take breaks from focusing on what is happening with her to look for things that will help you feel supported - whether this is talking to a friend, doing a hobby you find relaxing, or just giving yourself permission to have an afternoon where you don’t get anything done.  Best wishes, Linda   Linda is a psychologist experienced in working with people across the lifespan, including teenagers and their families, in a variety of settings, and is ReachOut's Clinical Lead. ... View more

Hello, I am a new member to this forum.  Today my Son took me to lunch and disclosed to me that he identifies as a Pansexual.  He told me that he has been thinking about this since he has been 14 years old.  Needless to say, I was shocked because I have asked him questions before on his sexuality and he always told me that he was a heterosexual male.   I just want to make sure that I am being fully supportive of my Son and his disclosure about his sexuality.  Quite frankly, he could have told me he was a "unicorn" and I would have supported him no matter what because he is my Son and I love him very much. My worry is how his father and society will react towards him.  My son is also multiracial and has had comments of a racist nature made towards him and now add upon this his preference in sexuality. How can I make sure that my Son remains safe and that I give him all the support necessary?  Any advice would be appreciated.  Concerned Mother, Terry   Dear @Butterfly72, You obviously care about your son a great deal. Even though he has been thinking about it for a while, it can take time for a young person to feel confident enough to tell someone (especially a parent) about their sexuality, and it is an encouraging sign that he was feeling ready to tell you. The most important thing you can offer your son is your love and a genuine desire to support him, so you are off to a good start as it sounds like these are things you are already providing. It’s understandable that you would be worried about how others might respond to your son’s sexuality, and the impact that this could have on him. As much as we might wish to, we can’t control what others do, only how we respond. Don’t underestimate how much positive impact it can have on your son that you support him - this can really help protect him emotionally from the effects of other people not being accepting. Think about the things you usually do to help maintain your positive relationship (such as spending time with him, talking about things, letting him know when he has done something you are proud of, etc.) Make sure you keep doing these things, as they are particularly important when someone is feeling vulnerable about being accepted. Another way of providing support is speaking up if people around you do make homophobic comments (whether these are about your son or general comments). Since your son has faced prejudice in the past, I encourage you to think about what was helpful when it came to supporting your son when dealing with racist comments, as this could also be applied to the current situation. Asking your son if there are ways you can help him feel supported is also a great approach because it gives him choice regarding what kind of support he would like from you, and even if he is feeling unsure, it communicates that you are listening to him and respecting his choices. He might want to talk to you about how he is feeling, or he might be more comfortable discussing these things with peers. If you’re noticing that you’re spending a lot of time worrying about this, it is also important to think about how you might look after yourself (this will put you in the best position emotionally to be able to continue supporting your son). These positive coping strategies are written as skills to teach your child, but actually are really useful for anyone (including parents) when they are feeling overwhelmed. Lastly, I also wanted to mention that if it would be helpful for you or your son to have some phone-based support, QLife provides anonymous peer support for LGBTI people and their friends and families. Best wishes, Linda   Linda is a psychologist experienced in working with people across the lifespan, including teenagers and their families, in a variety of settings, and is ReachOut's Clinical Lead. ... View more

Hello, I need some urgent advice for my 14 year old stepdaughter. Her and her brother who is 10 begun living with my partner (their dad) earlier this year by choice. Miss 14 started off okay at a new school which she had chosen and we had collectively agreed to. About 6 weeks later she began showing signs of just not caring. She only cared for her social life which she had now made outside of the school she attended. She did have a girl whom she befriended at the new school and they would only attend if the other was attending. They then began not to show even when they were both there towards the end of last term. Her friend has now been removed from the school and sent elsewhere. She now has said she has no one to hang out with at school as all these girls do is talk about others behind their backs and she doesnt want to be a part of this. I will just cut to the chase. Over the school holidays her lies, level of disregard and care have just become a major concern and also a major issue which has impacted her fathers ability to cope. We are struggling to have any kind of control and when everything comes to a head her father will end up losing his temper and it becomes a dramatic and is taking its toll on all involved Please how do i go about this as the meat in the sandwich as he often refers to everyone overriding him and that he had no say with when her mum was around and never will. Loz123   Dear @Loz123 , Thanks so much for getting in touch. It sounds like your partner is feeling really frustrated and overwhelmed by the situation, and that this puts you in a very difficult position. Changing schools as well as adjusting to a new living situation is a big change, and it’s really common that dealing with big changes like this can cause some challenges for the whole family. Your step-daughter is also at an age where teens are often testing their boundaries, which can result in acting out and behaving in ways which are really frustrating for parents.  It’s really important to make sure that you and your partner are on the same page about how to approach the situation, and have a shared understanding of your roles in this. If the two of you feel you are working as a team, this can make the whole situation a lot less stressful for both of you. I’m not sure how long you have been a step-parent, but having the children living there full-time has probably changed how involved you are in day to day decision making when it comes to the kids. If you haven’t already had a conversation with your partner about how he sees your role and how the two of you can work together, then I recommend this. This is particularly important because of the way you feel that you’ve been put in the middle of the situation. In addition to this, it may be helpful for the whole family to sit down and have a talk about rules and expectations. I imagine you and your partner have already tried to talk to your step-daughter about her behaviour and your concerns. However, having a conversation which is broader and aimed at coming to an agreement as a family on rules, boundaries, and consequences can help reduce future conflicts, and help you and your partner feel able to respond more calmly when rules are broken.  It’s particularly important to let teenagers have input during these discussions. That probably sounds counter-intuitive when you’re struggling for control, but it can switch things from a power-struggle into something more cooperative, which tends to make teens more likely to listen, respect rules and accept consequences. If this is something which you and your partner would like to try, there are some tips on family rules here.  In a situation like this, where there are ongoing arguments, it’s also even more important to spend time identifying the positive aspects of the relationship, and working on these, for both you and your partner. This can involve finding activities that you can do with your step-daughter that you both enjoy (and that your partner can do with your step-daughter for the two of them), or even just something as simple as noticing times when things are a little better, and providing positive feedback when things are going well. If it feels like you’ve tried these things and the situation is not improving, then family counselling  can help families find new ways of responding to each other to reduce arguments and frustrations. This is something to consider if your partner is open to the idea.  I hope this is helpful. Kind regards, Linda   Linda is a psychologist experienced in working with people across the lifespan, including teenagers and their families, in a variety of settings, and is ReachOut's Clinical Lead. ... View more

Hello, I’m hoping I can get some help here. My 14-year-old son, The quarterback for his high school football team, does not have one single friend and cannot seem to make any. To me he is the sweetest and most loyal person, but he is immature and I’m pretty sure he doesn’t stop talking about football so I can see how that can be exhausting. I need some help. I feel like it’s my fault because maybe I wasn’t as involved with other moms while he was growing up, or I didn’t sign him up for the right sports teams etc. Now it’s not like I can plan any play dates because he is too old for that. He acts like it doesn’t bother him, but I know that he is very lonely. He does not fit the typical believe kid, although he has been bullied severely in middle school and it has really left a scar on him socially. I’m not sure if he has social anxiety now, but I don’t know how to help and make friends. I’m heartbroken over this. Are there any groups for boys that like sports that may have social anxiety that he can join? lisaf90 Dear @lisaf90   It sounds like a really challenging situation. A lot of teens have problems with making friends around this age - teens can sometimes still be developing their social skills and confidence, and it is also an age where friendships can often change quite a bit. People can experience loneliness and a lack of friends for a range of reasons - sometimes it can be due to social anxiety, or a lack of social skills, and sometimes it’s because the person doesn’t have much in common with those around them. It’s hard to say which of these is the case for your son, though since he has been bullied in the past, it would not be surprising if he worries about being rejected by other teens. Your idea of him joining a group where he can interact with other kids is a great approach. I’m not sure if you are thinking about a social club or group where they do fun activities, or were thinking more of a support group. I’ll talk about both of these. A group or club which is focused on organised activities (such as a sports group, or something like Scouts) can help in a number of ways. People with social anxiety often find having a shared activity is less stressful than an unstructured social event (as it creates an immediate topic of conversation, and means that they can focus on the activity instead of the social interaction when feeling overwhelmed). Because your son would be spending time with other teens, joining a club or group of some kind would also allow him to practice his social skills, and meet new people who are interested in the same things as him. I can’t offer specific suggestions of groups because it will depend on what is in your local area (and I’m also only familiar with Australian organisations). Researching local groups with your son might be a good way to explore options together. In terms of support groups for social anxiety - this is an option which addresses things directly, and could be helpful if your son thinks that social anxiety is what is making it hard for him to have friends, and if he would be interested in attending. Support from peers can be very powerful. I’m wondering if you have spoken with your son about friends? I know that this can be really hard to do - often teens who struggle with friendships feel really self-conscious about this, so may not want to talk about it with their parents. However, checking in with him can also provide an opportunity to get his ideas and thoughts on what he needs, as well as show your support. Teens vary a lot in how much social interaction they want (as well as how much of this is in person versus online friendships, which can be less visible to parents). It can be helpful to ask if there are things that are holding him back from talking to peers, and if this is something he’d like more support with (instead of describing the situation as ‘not having friends’). There are some more general tips about helping supporting teenagers to make friends here: Teenagers making friends - can parents help? Speaking to a psychologist or a counsellor could also be helpful if your son would like the chance to talk through what is bothering him with someone, or if he feels uncertain about what is causing the lack of friendships, They can explore aspects such as social anxiety or social skills which might be contributing and help him develop some strategies. You mention wondering if this is something caused by something you did or didn’t do. Kids are so individual - there are kids who are signed up for sports teams and activities who struggle with friendships as teenagers, and the reverse can also be true where kids who aren’t involved in organised activities when they are younger are very popular and social teenagers. I know that it’s hard for parents not to feel guilty when their child or teenager is struggling with something, but it sounds like you are being pretty hard on yourself. There’s no ‘perfect’ approach when it comes to parenting - when it comes to how many or few structured activities to provide for kids; or how strict or permissive to be regarding rules; or how much autonomy to grant teens. Every family is different in terms of what works best, and no matter what decisions parents make, there will be times when their teens face challenges or difficulties. Since it can be so stressful to see your child experience these difficulties, I encourage you to have a think about some self-care for yourself. One of the best things that parents can do for their kids is to make sure that they are also looking after their own wellbeing. If you’re not feeling okay, it becomes much harder to look after someone else. There are some tips on ways that parents and teens can look after themselves here: Self-care and teenagers Best wishes, Linda   Linda is a psychologist experienced in working with people across the lifespan, including teenagers and their families, in a variety of settings, and is ReachOut's Clinical Lead. ... View more

  About 3 months ago, while my husband/his father was out of town at a class he needed to take, my 12 (almost 13) year old son came into the living room and said he wanted to talk to me about something. He wanted me to remove an app from his tablet because apparently there had been some inappropriate pictures on it. In speaking with him it appears they were of women in very little clothes and he felt bad as he had been seeking them out to look at them. We discussed sexuality and the changes going on in his body and that desire can be a normal feeling, etc. He seemed to get better but for days after that he would come to me to confess little things and just seem to have an overwhelming amount of guilt over anything he'd done 'wrong'. Eventually in time those confessions faded and then stopped. Fast forward about a month ago, again when his father was out of town for class, he came to me with some sexual dreams and thoughts he had been having. I again told him that was normal at his age. He said thoughts and images kept popping into his head and no matter what he can't get them out. I spoke to him about perhaps trying something new or going outside and playing basketball, etc when that happens. He seemed to calm down enough to go about the day but I could tell he was still having problems. The next afternoon he came to me and said he was really worried something was wrong with him because earlier when I had been cleaning up a spill he was able to see down my shirt and ever since he kept having sexual thoughts that include me. I remained calm, though inside I was anything but calm!, and tried to explain to him that it may have nothing to do with me, just that I was a female he happened to see often. Still the guilt ate away at him, the thoughts kept plaguing him and getting worse until I came home to find him in a full anxiety attack, crying and saying he felt like he had hit his breaking point. At this point I did some research and learned about OCD with a sexual obsession component. It spoke about how often a child will even worry they are attracted to a parent. My husband and I went over this with him. Learning that there may be a reason, like OCD, that this was occuring helped but it was a really, really rough week. He had many breakdowns. We discovered in the process his 'confession sessions' with us were likely actually compulsions to relieve the anxiety his obsessions were causing and could be making things worse. We discussed this with him and he began trying to handle things himself and talk down his anxiety on his own. We told him we would help him seek professional help if needed. After that week things got better though and seemed to even go back to normal. This past week I could tell he has been acting different. He was very quiet and withdrawn from me. I thought it may be his end of year exams stressing him out. Then last night he said he had been having some problems again and that he feels so much guilt due to his previous thoughts of me. I didn't ask if he had more recent thoughts of me and he didn't say. I think in a way I didnt want to know. I did ask if overall he felt this was better than last time and he said yes, a little. He was playing a video game with his father and I was working on my computer. We spoke about it a few minutes and then I could hear him taking deep breaths to ease his anxiety for a long while afterwards until finally I got up and went to bed as I felt like I was part of the problem. He later told his dad he had even had fears before that he (meaning his dad) may have hurt me when we argued and then felt very guilty he had doubted his dad. So his OCD seems to be centered around guilt with a sexual component thrown in. Thinking back he had other OCD tendencies when he was younger, we just never recognized them as OCD. My problem is now I dont know how to be around him. I feel like I'm causing problems. In addition he does virtual schooling (and did so even pre-Covid) so he is with me and only me all day long. I have long suffered from anxiety and depression myself and this has kicked them into high gear. I even went out and bought some new clothes so they could fit me big and make my figure less noticeable, however because I am large chested that is very hard to do. I am at a loss. My husband is off work today so I literally stayed in my room until noon and then he took our son out to do something with just the two of them. I hate losing the very close relationship I've always had with my son and I want him to know I love him deeply but I am worried that everything I do will trigger him so I avoid him. I also hate seeing him suffer like this. I'd would rather suffer everyday of my life than to see him suffer any. I also feel like this is my fault, that I did something to trigger this because the day before he first said that about me I kissed his cheek when I hugged him and joked that he wasn't too old for it. He is a great kid, always has been very sensitive, and has also discussed crushes he has had on girls he knows so I do know he is attracted to girls his own age. Anyone ever been through anything similar or have any advice? TRIPLEP13 Dear @TRIPLEP13 , You’re obviously a very caring and engaged parent, and have spent some time thinking about what could be happening for your son, so that you can best support him. Firstly, I want to let you know that while feelings of guilt are really common in these types of situations, things like kissing your son’s cheek, hugging him and spending time with him have not caused this. The causes of OCD are complex, but there is no evidence that normal, supportive parenting behaviours (which is what you have described) increase the risk of OCD. I don’t have enough information to tell if your son does have OCD because sometimes other forms of anxiety can seem similar to OCD at first (and it is generally not possible to diagnose without having spoken to the person), but as you have mentioned, some forms of OCD do involve having sexual thoughts about inappropriate people (such as family members). You mentioned that you would be willing to help him get professional help if needed. I would suggest that now is a good time to do that. It is really wonderful that you have been able to talk to him about OCD to help him understand his thoughts and feelings, and this is a great first step. A psychologist who has experience with working with people with OCD will be able to further explore what is happening for your son and work with him and you to learn skills to address these symptoms. If your son does have OCD it is important that he receives professional treatment, as untreated OCD can sometimes worsen over time. When OCD treatment is provided early, then improvements can happen quite quickly. If you’re in Australia, you can search for a psychologist experienced in OCD here: https://www.psychology.org.au/Find-a-Psychologist by selecting ‘OCD’ from the list of conditions. I can understand why you would be feeling self-conscious at the moment, and wanting to do what you can to minimise any distress for your son. It’s really common for parents and other family members to try to support children and teens with OCD by changing their behaviour to avoid ‘triggering’ these symptoms. However, this can actually be unhelpful, because it generally doesn’t prevent these thoughts from occurring, and can reinforce the idea that distressing thoughts should be responded to with a change in behaviour (which can increase symptoms over time). A professional working with your son will be able to come up with a plan for how you can support the work he is doing in therapy, which will provide some support and guidance for you in knowing how to respond to your son. In the meantime, I would encourage you to continue to let your son know that you don’t blame him for the symptoms he is experiencing and to continue to encourage him to do things which have been helpful in the past for his anxiety. You can spend as much time with your son as you feel comfortable with - spending time with him isn’t the cause of his symptoms. Since you have such a close relationship with your son, I imagine that he is missing spending time with you and being able to talk to you, as much as you are missing him. If you do find that the situation is continuing to cause you a lot of distress, it might also be helpful to explore professional support for yourself, so that you can have your own space to talk through your feelings about this difficult situation. Best wishes, Linda   Linda is a psychologist experienced in working with people across the lifespan, including teenagers and their families, in a variety of settings, and is ReachOut's Clinical Lead. ... View more

My daughter is almost 16 and tends to abide by the Free the Nipple ideal. I don’t wear a bra a lot myself, but it’s not obvious with what I’m wearing. She doesn’t care if nipple shows, cleavage etc. At times it goes too far. And then there is her love of wearing a bra and nothing else, as when I picked her up from a friend’s place just now. I am accused of promoting rape culture every time I raise objections. Any tips on settling reasonable boundaries? I think she is an exhibitionist; she thinks I’m horrible. We live in a small town with an unusually high number of sex offenders and I do feel protective. I am generally a patent somewhere between authoritative and permissive. Ellie67 Dear @Ellie67  It's a difficult situation - you’re speaking out of concern for your daughter, but it sounds like it does not feel that way for her. It must be hurtful that she responds to your concern with hostility. It’s really common for teens to begin to push boundaries and dress (and act) in ways that go against what their parents would find acceptable. This can be part of exploring their own identity and working out what their own beliefs are about acceptable behaviour. It sounds like the main thing that concerns you is the risk of sexual assault. Living somewhere where there are a lot of sex offenders must be really frightening, and of course you’d want to keep your daughter safe. Although it may feel like her dressing in revealing clothing puts her more at risk, research actually indicates that clothing isn’t a significant factor in sexual assault. Some things that are more likely to be helpful in keeping her safe are encouraging her to make sure she and her friends are looking out for each other when they are out or at parties, making sure she knows to keep an eye on her drink and not accept a drink from someone else, and making sure she is educated about consent. @Janine-RO's suggestion of self defence classes could also be another way to engage her.  Given your daughter's statements about rape culture, she may also object to a more general discussion about staying safe if she feels like she is being held responsible for the action of others. For this reason, I would suggest starting by acknowledging the unfairness of it - in an ideal world no one should have to be concerned about these things. By genuinely acknowledging this unfairness she is more likely to be open to talk about what can help staying safe. I don’t want to dismiss your concerns about her clothing. There can be other reasons you might be concerned about what she wears, as the clothes we wear can impact the impression we give people, and different clothing can be appropriate to different occasions (for instance, an outfit which is suitable for the gym wouldn’t also be suitable for attending a wedding). Boundaries around this aren’t the same for every family. It can be helpful to explore acceptable clothing as part of a broader conversation about family rules, in order to make sure you have a shared understanding of boundaries and the consequences for breaking rules. There’s a guide to family rules here. However, it’s important to be aware that this approach is most successful when there is some flexibility and teens are allowed to have some freedom to make decisions, so you might find it helpful to make a list of which boundaries are most important to you (clothing may or may not be one of these), and which you are willing to compromise on. I also encourage you to look for opportunities to talk to your daughter about things which are going well, or topics you agree upon, in order to help keep the lines of communication open and foster a positive relationship. Lastly, parenting a teenager can be stressful! It’s worth also thinking about what you do to look after yourself - whether it’s a hobby you enjoy, talking to a friend, or even just finding some time to sit down with a good book and a glass of wine. Best wishes, Linda   Linda is a psychologist experienced in working with people across the lifespan, including teenagers and their families, in a variety of settings, and is ReachOut's Clinical Lead. ... View more

My oldest daughter 17 tattooed my 13 year old son. What should I do? I’m deeply upset. For more context, she tattoed an “angel number" of small size on his upper thigh. They both hid it from me. I have absolutely no idea when she did this or how long they've been hiding this. She has been practicing tattooing since she was 15 under the circumstances that she wouldn't tattoo herself or anyone else. She has broken both of these rules. The tattoo doesn't look bad however I'm extremely upset. I don't know what to do because she's very independent and never home nor does she seem to learn from punishments like taking phone and car away. They both are very intelligent unique kids and never have done something like this before. How should I punish both of them? I would prefer a bigger punishment for my daughter. I appreciate any advice. My daughter is also bipolar and I don't want to give her a punishment that could spiral. valek Dear @valek, Being upset is a very natural response when your children have both broken rules and have also tried to hide this from you. It's really encouraging that despite being upset you are taking the time to think about the appropriate response, rather than responding based on anger. When a teenager breaks a rule which they have never broken before, apart from thinking about what the consequences should be, it can be really helpful to identify what might have led to this rule being broken. This can be important because by understanding what led to the behaviour, you’ll be in a better position to prevent it happening again. If you haven’t already, I encourage you to ask your children about their reasons. It’s important to ask about this in a way which is genuinely curious and seeking to understand, rather than accusing, if you want to get a helpful response. As well as you understanding their perspective, it can also really help if they are able to understand yours. If your daughter doesn’t understand the reason for the rule about not tattooing others (particularly someone of your son’s age), she is less likely to follow it. The reasons for the rules may seem obvious to you, but that doesn’t mean that they are obvious to your children. That doesn’t mean that your children need to agree with your rules in order for you to expect them to be followed, but having a clear understanding of the reason for rules can be important, particularly as teens get older. Given your daughter’s longstanding interest in tattooing, it may be something she is interested in pursuing professionally at some point in the future. She may not have considered the legal consequences of tattooing someone under 18 without parental consent, but I would consider letting her know that this is something which could have resulted in legal consequences (I’m not suggesting that you pursue legal action, but I think it’s important that she is aware of this risk). This isn’t to scare her, but because it is actually important information for her to have. You’ll notice that I’m using the term ‘consequences’ instead of ‘punishment’. It can be helpful to think in these terms because the goal is to teach a lesson to prevent future misbehaviour, rather than to create distress. I can tell you’re a really caring parent, and want to make sure that your response doesn’t cause harm to your daughter. It’s important that consequences don’t have unintended results like socially isolating someone, or stopping them from being able to engage in helpful strategies they use to manage their mental health (for instance, if someone has a privilege taken away, it’s important that they still have some enjoyable activities they are allowed, as this can be important in managing mood). It’s also important not to withdraw affection in response to rule-breaking, and make it clear that even if you are angry or upset, you still love and care about them. In terms of the consequences of this behaviour, what works best is often individual to the person and family. Whenever possible, it’s helpful to discuss the consequences of rule-breaking ahead of time, as part of a conversation about family rules (there is a helpful guide to this here: https://raisingchildren.net.au/teens/behaviour/behaviour-management-ideas/family-rules). Of course, sometimes (like in this case) this isn’t possible. Whenever possible, consequences should be related to the behaviour that you wish to discourage. For instance, you may wish to consider whether it’s reasonable for your daughter to not be able to use her tattooing equipment for a period of time (this doesn’t need to be a long period of time, just enough for her to consider the consequence of using it in a way which is against the rules). Make sure whatever you decide is something you feel you will be able to stick to. It’s also important to remember that almost all children or teens break the rules at some point - it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t provide consequences, but it can be helpful to remind yourself of this - if this is the first time they’ve broken the rules in a serious way, you’re probably doing a great job as a parent. Best wishes, Linda   Linda is a psychologist experienced in working with people across the lifespan, including teenagers and their families, in a variety of settings, and is ReachOut's Clinical Lead. ... 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My 15 year old daughter has had sex for the first time with her long term boyfriend. She is 16 in 4 weeks. She is refusing to take the pill or have the implant. I’ve taken her to the drs. And family planning. All who cannot convince her to take it. She is afraid of the side effects of the contraception. I’m at my wits end. The dr agreed it’s a ticking time bomb as although they have used a condom. Kids and condoms are notoriously not sufficient to keep her safe. What do I do. I can’t ban her from seeing him. I also can’t force her to take the pill. I’m trying to remain calm to keep communication lines open. But I’m really worried beach47 Dear @beach47 , I want to start by saying you sound like a really engaged and caring parent. Not all teens let their parents know when they start having sex, and it is a sign of trust and that communication is good between your and your daughter that you know. I can understand how it would be scary that your daughter is not willing to take another form of contraception alongside using condoms. It sounds like you have tried a number of things already - taking her to health professionals, discussing your concerns, finding out her reasons, but this has not been successful. I am wondering if you have taken a moment to acknowledge that your daughter’s decision to use condoms (as opposed to not using any protection) as a really positive step, and something important that she is doing to look after herself. By providing her with positive feedback about this, it can help her feel that the things she is doing to stay safe are being acknowledged, and may encourage her to continue to consistently use them. It’s also providing an opportunity for a positive moment between you and your daughter, which is particularly important when there is something you’re not seeing eye-to-eye on. Sometimes, the harder we try to convince someone, the more they will take the opposing view, and become even less likely to change. This isn’t unique to teens and parents, but it can be particularly noticeable during the teen years. It may be helpful, next time this topic is discussed, to take some time to just listen to your daughter’s concerns about contraception - not with the view to develop counter-arguments, or convince her otherwise, but just to understand. I know that is easier said than done! The reason that I suggest it is that if she feels understood, she will be more open to understanding your perspective, and in some cases when people are really given the chance to explain their perspective on something they feel ambivalent about (which may be the case here), it actually helps shift their thinking - so listening to and seeking to understand why she is reluctant may make your daughter more open to considering contraception. I wanted to take a moment to acknowledge the issue of age. Beach47, I am not sure about the laws where you are, but in Australia the age of sexual consent is 16 or 17 depending on the state, with exceptions when two people are close in age. Based on you not raising age or consent as a concern in your post, it seems likely your daughter’s boyfriend is a similar age, and you don’t have any concerns about her being consenting. I wanted to comment on this because I know sometimes other parents dealing with similar issues may read these posts. In instances where there are concerns about consent, then my response would be different, and may include taking steps to ensure the teen isn’t having contact with the person, and even involving police if appropriate. It’s understandable that this situation would be creating some anxiety for you, and it can get very tiring to be worrying about something like this. You’ve clearly put a lot of thought and effort into caring for your daughter. I encourage you to also take time to look after yourself (there are some tips on self care here that are relevant for teens and for parents: https://parents.au.reachout.com/skills-to-build/wellbeing/self-care-and-teenagers), and if you’re finding it is impacting your wellbeing, consider speaking to a counsellor or psychologist to get some support with this. Best wishes, Linda   Linda is a psychologist experienced in working with people across the lifespan, including teenagers and their families, in a variety of settings, and is ReachOut's Clinical Lead. ... View more

Ask A Child And Family Professional So my daughter who is turning 19 has moved out of home and since she has done this is very up herself. She is very irritated by anything I say to her and if I don’t agree with her she is very quick to get in a strop and hang up on me or storm out of my house. She does not want me or my sons at her house and does not make any effort to keep a relationship with us even though we have tried and tried with her. It just seems that she is only nice when she wants something from me. Which is very upsetting as she was not bought up this way and seems to have changed once she moved out. All she says to me is that she’s quite happy not to talk or to see me and complains that she has nothing to talk to me about. Do I just leave her for weeks on end with no communication? I don’t want her to feel abandoned but she is making it very hard to be in contact with her and I just end up in tears with sleepless nights and she really doesn’t care if she is in contact. Everything has to be on her terms. Hi @Sandra57 , It sounds like it has been both frustrating and tiring to have been putting all this work into trying to have more contact with your daughter. It’s really understandable that you would be feeling upset about this. At the moment it seems like you’re stuck in a bit of a pattern where you are trying harder and harder to improve things, and that you are always the one reaching out and initiating contact, and your daughter pushes away. Often in situations like this, the more one person reaches out, the more the other person retreats. Contacting your daughter less often provides some space for her to be the one who contacts you. This might not happen right away, and the level of contact might not be as much as you would prefer. However, giving your daughter some sense of control regarding contact with you will help foster a more positive relationship moving forward. It might be with a little time apart, she will be more able to identify the positives and benefits that come with spending time with you and have a chance to miss you. You’ve identified that you don’t want your daughter to feel abandoned, which is a sign of how much you care about her. Contact doesn’t need to be all or nothing - you could trial contacting her less often without this meaning you are never able to contact her. There’s no ‘right’ amount of contact - it is very individual from family to family, and it might take some time to find the right amount. It can also be really helpful to let your daughter know that you’ve heard what she has said about not feeling the need to talk to you as often and as a result you won’t be calling her as much, but that she is welcome to get in touch with you. This makes it clear to her that your reduced contact is intended to be supportive, and it also places some of the responsibility for maintaining the relationship between you with her. This may feel a little counterintuitive, but placing some responsibility on her can help stop the pattern of you putting in more and more effort and her pulling away. At the moment, it sounds like when you do speak with her, these interactions often don’t end well. I also encourage you to notice whether there are particular patterns which tend to result in her ending the conversation. For instance, if there are certain topics of conversation she seems particularly irritated by, try focusing on topics which are less contentious. A common challenge for parents of young adults is that they may want to provide advice and guidance when their child is living independently for the first time (especially if the child is telling them about some of the practical challenges associated with living out of home). Unfortunately, this kind of advice isn’t always well received - sometimes the young adult can feel like the parent isn’t recognising they are no longer a child, or can feel criticised even when this is not what the parent means. I am not sure if this may be part of what is happening with your daughter, but since it is so common I thought it would be relevant to mention. If you think this might be happening, it can be helpful to only offer advice if invited, and otherwise just acknowledge how she’s feeling about the situation without trying to solve it for her (even if you have some really great advice to give). If there are times when conversations with her go better and she does not end them abruptly, you may find it helpful to think about what is happening in those conversations that help (topics discussed, things you say to which she responds more positively). You mention some sleepless nights, and it’s clear this has been really difficult for you. I would encourage you to also make sure that you are looking after yourself during this difficult time - reaching out to supportive friends, taking time to do things you find relaxing, and any other strategies you have used in the past to deal with stress. If you find that even after doing these things you are feeling more and more upset, it may help to have some individual counselling. Best wishes, Linda Linda is a psychologist experienced in working with people across the lifespan, including teenagers and their families, in a variety of settings, and is ReachOut's Clinical Lead.   Speak with a professional now We also partner with The Benevolent Society to offer free personalised one-on-one support for parents and carers of teens over the phone and online. For more information: https://parents.au.reachout.com/one-on-one-support ... View more

Ask A Child And Family Professional My daughter is currently in year 10, and is being bullied, not only at school but also cyber bullying. Most days she eats her lunch in the toilet, she spends class sitting alone, while these girls film her sitting alone in class and a lunch time and distribute on social media. The situation has gotten so bad that she is now refusing to attend school at all. How do you make a 15yr old girl go to school? I have blocked the bullies from social media platforms but they always find a way to get to her whether it be creating a fake account to getting someone to get the message to her. I have spoken to the school and guidance counsellors, and they are helpful but all want my daughter to lodge a formal complaint. My daughter refuses to put a formal report in as this girl has threatened her with physical abuse and believes this girl will stop at nothing. This girl has turned all my daughters friends against her by making up rumours and lying. I know this girl has done the same thing to 2 other students and was asked to leave one school. Where do i go from here? My daughter is only 15 so she has to attend school, i don't want her to give up her education because of a bully. We have only recently changed schools so i don't believe this is an option. My once beautiful, positive and happy daughter is now negative, closed off and not willing to accept help from anyone. Hi @Holly_p, I’m so sorry to hear that your daughter has experienced such awful behaviour from others. People who are abusive to others often will make threats to discourage people from speaking up, so it is understandable your daughter would feel frightened about making a formal complaint. The school does have a responsibility to provide a safe environment for all students, so they should have a plan in place for how they keep students reporting bullying safe and be able to tell you what steps they can take to make sure your daughter doesn’t face negative consequences for reporting. This is something which it is reasonable to expect the school to be able to tell you about before a formal complaint is made, and which it may be helpful for your daughter to hear about. Some of the things you have described (such as filming your daughter during class) are also things that the school could be keeping an eye out for and responding to when they occur, independently of your daughter feeling able to come forward. I also wanted to second @Janine-RO's suggestion regarding having a look at the eSafety commission's website, including information on reporting the cyberbullying, as this is a crime. Regarding your daughter not attending school, it is very understandable that she would be reluctant to attend if she is continuing to experience bullying. I can also understand why this would be concerning for you, given her age and the importance of her staying connected to education. It’s important that your daughter feel included in any approach you take regarding her school attendance. It is more likely that this will be successful if she feels her concerns have been listened to and taken into account, and that she has been involved in identifying solutions. It may be helpful to set aside some time to sit with your daughter and offer to problem-solve how to tackle this together (there’s a great guide to problem solving with a teen here: https://raisingchildren.net.au/pre-teens/behaviour/encouraging-good-behaviour/problem-solving-steps). Some possible options may include steps that can be taken at the current school (for instance, she may feel more able to attend school if she can be moved to a different class), but it’s also important to consider options that may seem less practical to you (such as changing school) in the first stage of problem-solving, before narrowing things down by considering the advantages and disadvantages of each approach. By involving your daughter identifying options and letting her identify options which would help her feel safe, this increases the likelihood that she will be willing to give one of the options a try. You mention this has had a big impact on her mood. If she would be willing to consider talking to someone, this could be a helpful way of receiving more emotional support. There may be a school counsellor she could talk to, but when there is this type of concern sometimes young people are more comfortable speaking to someone not connected with the school - other options are asking your GP for a referral to a local service, or contacting your local headspace centre. If she’s not feeling ready to talk to anyone, then continuing to let her know that you care about her, and that you’re there to listen when she wants to talk can encourage her to reach out when she does feel ready. Best wishes, Linda Linda is a psychologist experienced in working with people across the lifespan, including teenagers and their families, in a variety of settings, and is ReachOut's Clinical Lead.   Speak with a professional now We also partner with The Benevolent Society to offer free personalised one-on-one support for parents and carers of teens over the phone and online. For more information: https://parents.au.reachout.com/one-on-one-support ... View more

Ask A Child And Family Professional I recently returned from a six month deployment and I hardly recognize my 16 year old daughter. She dresses very provocatively, an often walks around the house topless. With her mothers permission, without my knowledge, she got a tongue stud and a lower back tattoo. Her mother put her on birth control as she is now sexually active with multiple partners. I found this out by accident. Last Saturday I woke up early to the sound of a car pulling up our gravel driveway and stopping fast. I got out of bed in time to see my daughter dressed in cut off shorts a bikini top and nothing else, not even thongs, her phone in her back pocket, run out the front door. She got in a car with one other girl and several boys and took off. I asked her if she was using condoms and she said no because her boyfriends do not like the way they feel and none of the other girls use them either. Its like the girl I knew is completely gone. My wife is completely unconcerned and thinks I am worrying for nothing, that this is all part of growing up. I just can't make myself believe it. What should I do? What can I do to talk some sense into my daughter before she gets hurt bad? Hi @exceiver76 , It must have been a shock to return home and find such a change in your daughter. At 16 years old, six months is a long time and friend groups, clothing, and maturity can all change a lot during this time as it appears has happened with your daughter. It’s understandable that you’re feeling alarmed and worried by this change and her behaviour, and want to protect her. While teens often do engage in risk-taking behaviour, it is concerning that she is regularly having unprotected sex. It can be really challenging for parents to address concerns about things like sexual activity, tattoos etc, because teens can be quite sensitive to feeling judged or that their parent is not accepting of their choices. They are most likely to listen and be open to hearing the parents’ concerns when they feel listened to, understood and accepted by their parents. You can help her feel understood and accepted by spending time with her, talking to her about things other than your concerns like topics of mutual interest (it can help to think about what you used to talk about before your deployment) or what is going on in her life more generally. There are some more tips here: https://parents.au.reachout.com/skills-to-build/connecting-and-communicating/effective-communication-and-teenagers You mention having a sense that the daughter you knew is gone. A lot of parents struggle with a sense of loss as their children approach adulthood, that in a sense they have lost the connection with them. So it can be really important to look for and recognise the ways in which your daughter is still the same person, as well as the ways she has grown. It can help to think about things that are specific to your daughter, that make her stand out. For instance, perhaps it is her sense of humour, or she is someone who is optimistic, or caring towards others when they are going through a tough time. If you keep an eye out, there will be key character traits which are still there. Recognising these strengths, and acknowledging them in your conversations can help build her sense of comfort and trust, so that she is more likely to be open to hearing your concerns about her wellbeing. When talking about these concerns, it’s important to express these in a non-judgemental way, and focus on one or two key points that are most important. I would also suggest that it may be helpful to spend some more time exploring these issues with your wife. It can be hard to parent when you and your partner aren’t on the same page, and it sounds like you are coming from different perspectives. If the two of you can listen to each other’s perspectives on this, and aim to come to a shared understanding of what aspects of these changes the two of you can consider part of your daughter’s growing maturity, and what aspects do need to be addressed, then this can help you develop a united approach regarding your daughter. Best wishes, Linda Linda is a psychologist experienced in working with people across the lifespan, including teenagers and their families ,in a variety of settings, and is ReachOut's Clinical Lead.   Speak with a professional now We also partner with The Benevolent Society to offer free personalised one-on-one support for parents and carers of teens over the phone and online. For more information: https://parents.au.reachout.com/one-on-one-support ... View more

Ask A Child And Family Professional My 15 year old was anxious about starting school because of friend issues the year before. Finally school is in and once there finds another group to hang out with. She was super excited as they finally included her in everything. They even registered for all the same classes and took seats next to each other in classes. Today one of the 5 girls gave her a note saying that all but one of the girls had decided that her personality didn't mix with the group and they thought that she should maybe not hang around with them anymore. They were too uncomfortable to tell her to her face. Not sure what to do as she came home in tears. I just don't understand it. All adults who meet her love her and say what a sweetheart she is and how deep and intellectual she is. Yet this is the second group of girls in a year who have shunned her. Now she needs to go back to school on Monday and face them in her classes. Not sure what to tell her. At a loss. My heart breaks for her.  Murphy192 Hi @Murphy192 , It can be such a painful experience, to not be accepted as part of a group. We’re social beings, and not feeling accepted and liked is very upsetting. Your daughter must be so hurt, with this happening after problems last year. I can understand why you would be feeling at a loss. This issue is a tricky one for parents, because there are large parts of the situation which are out of your control and out of your daughter’s control. Often, the thing that can be most helpful when dealing with a painful situation which is hard to change is expressing your support, and acknowledging her distress and the unfairness of the situation. It doesn’t seem like enough, but when it comes to the immediate pain of rejection, it generally isn’t possible to remove the pain entirely (much as we may wish to) and it’s more about supporting her through it, and in doing so helping her develop her ability to cope with life’s challenges. It can help to provide a space for her to talk if she wants to about how she is feeling about this, but if she doesn’t feel like talking about it then spending time together doing something you both enjoy can help her feel loved and supported. She may be struggling with worry that she will never find a friendship group, or that this is a sign that something is wrong with her. It’s actually very common for people to experience social exclusion at some point in their lives, and sometimes it just means that this wasn’t the right fit for her, and there isn’t anything more than bad luck behind it. Unfortunately, friendship groups at school can be quite arbitrary at times, there isn’t always a clear or fair reason. If it does seem to be an ongoing problem for her, it may be worth considering other social supports she may have. Does she have friends outside of school? If she is involved in any hobbies or group activities, this can be a great way to meet peers she will have things in common with. In terms of her having social support at school, it may not necessarily be about joining another ‘group’ of friends right away, but focusing on people who she has positive interactions with, and seeing if she can build from there. There may be other students who don’t really have a group to hang out with yet, who may really enjoy building a friendship with your daughter. For some young people who have persistent difficulties with friendships, it can be worth exploring whether there are any patterns of behaviour which might be making it harder for them to find a group of friends. I don’t know if this is relevant for your daughter, but thought it important to mention as it is relevant for some teens. You mention she gets along really well with adults. If you have the opportunity to notice her interactions with people the same age, taking some time to observe and see what you notice might be helpful. Sometimes things which work well with one group may not be as welcome with another. For instance, adults may find her ability to look at things at a deeper level impressive, but her peers might find it intimidating, or it could be out of step with what they want to talk about. Another common issue is that if someone is feeling anxious about making friends, this can make it hard to be relaxed and friendly, and so they might seem a bit withdrawn, which other people might interpret as being unfriendly or cold. If you do notice anything that might be getting in the way of her peers recognising your daughter’s great qualities, then small changes can make a big difference. For instance, if your daughter struggles with shyness, then there are some tips here for young people: https://au.reachout.com/articles/how-to-overcome-your-shyness.  Problems with friends are really common, and lots of young people bounce back from this kind of disappointment with a little time, without the need for any intervention. If your daughter continues to seem really down about things, or if you do think she may benefit from having someone to talk to about these difficulties with friendships, talking to a counsellor could be helpful for her. Best wishes, Linda Linda is a psychologist experienced in working with people across the lifespan, including teenagers and their families ,in a variety of settings, and is ReachOut's Clinical Lead.   Speak with a professional now We also partner with The Benevolent Society to offer free personalised one-on-one support for parents and carers of teens over the phone and online. For more information: https://parents.au.reachout.com/one-on-one-support ... View more

Ask A Child And Family Professional I am concerned about my 13 year old son who has just started high school this year and he says he has no friends and suffers from quite a lot from social anxiety. He refuses to purchase anything from shops and avoids social interactions wherever possible. He has been like this most of his life and I am unsure what I can do?  Hi @JJL24, I know that your post about this was a while ago, but I wanted to respond because it sounds like you and your son have been living with this for a while, and also because anxiety is a really common experience and a lot of parents wonder how they can support their children with it. I hope my response will be relevant to you and to other parents who might be reading this. I can see you’ve had some great responses already, and I hope they have been helpful. I’ll try not to overlap too much with what has already been suggested, but offer some additional thoughts. I think it is important as a parent that you don’t underestimate how valuable your support and encouragement is for your son. Even though this doesn’t prevent him feeling anxious, the fact that he can express to you when he finds something difficult, and has been able to identify some of the things that bother him (such as not having friends) suggests a strong relationship, which is really important for his overall wellbeing. Often people with anxiety (particularly teens) feel like the anxiety means something bad about them as a person, or feel ashamed of not being confident to do things that they see others doing. Acknowledging and validating his distress, and also recognizing and highlighting his strengths and any small wins (times he is able to do something despite it being hard) is a powerful way to support his self-esteem. One of the tricky things about social anxiety is that it can get in the way of talking about problems so it is understandable your son finds it hard to talk to his psychiatrist. Although individual time during sessions is important for the psychiatrist to build rapport, there is also a lot of value in having a discussion with the three of you (it wouldn’t need to be a full session, just a few minutes at the end of a session), working out how you can best support the steps they are taking in their sessions. It’s important to get your son’s okay for this (even though he is still young, the more involved he is in decision making, the more he will engage). The psychiatrist will be able to give more individual suggestions than I can, since I haven’t met your son. But, I’m happy to provide some general observations. It sounds like your son avoids things which increase his anxiety (such as buying something from a shop, which would involve interacting with someone). This is really common in response to anxiety, but can be unhelpful because it becomes a habit over time, and can stop him from developing confidence in his ability to do these things (because confidence often comes with practice and the repeated experience of things going okay). Avoidance could also stop him from having fun, positive experiences - such as making friends and spending time with them. Often, addressing anxiety involves gradually beginning to do things which the person is afraid of (starting small and moving slowly). This would usually be done with the help of a professional or via a structured program (online or face to face). This is because making a child do things they don’t feel ready for, or doing too much too soon can actually make things worse. Treatment involves the counsellor or therapist working with the child or young person, to help them with coping strategies and identifying ways of thinking which might be keeping anxiety going, and then beginning to tackle the avoidance. This might be something the psychiatrist is working on, but if not you may want to check out one of the options suggested by @Janine-RO or @sababajc if you haven’t already. If your son would like to make some friends, sometimes one of the things that can make anxiety worse (especially at his age) is not knowing what to say or how to start a conversation. Practicing having a conversation with someone he is more comfortable with (such as a family member) can be really helpful to begin to build confidence. If he is interested, you could even come up with a plan about a small way he could practice social interactions (for instance, aiming to have a very brief conversation with a classmate about something to do with school, or about something they are both interested in). But, I would only recommend these if he is eager to try them, and let him take the lead on deciding his limits - if he feels this would be too overwhelming then he may not be ready for this step. I wanted to reflect on something you said, that you feel bad because you don’t know what to do. It is hard, when you want to help someone and to have the answers for them and you don’t. I can understand why that would be upsetting. But I also want to acknowledge that no-one knows what to do all the time, and that you don’t have to have all the answers to be helping your son. Sometimes it’s okay to say “I’m not quite sure how to solve this, but I want to help you, and we can try to find out what will help together”. It can actually be really helpful to do this - to acknowledge that sometimes in life we deal with tricky problems where the best approach isn’t clear, but when that happens we can look for alternatives. You have demonstrated the ability to persevere despite uncertainty - you’ve arranged a health professional for him, and have asked the community here for ideas. I am sure that having such a resourceful parent on his side will be of great benefit to your son. Best wishes, Linda Linda is a psychologist experienced in working with people across the lifespan, including teenagers and their families, in a variety of settings, and is ReachOut's Clinical Lead.   Speak with a professional now We also partner with The Benevolent Society to offer free personalised one-on-one support for parents and carers of teens over the phone and online. For more information: https://parents.au.reachout.com/one-on-one-support ... View more

Ask A Child And Family Professional I have two children 15-18. I married four years ago and the children have been living with us for 18 months. My Husband - their step parent - critiques the children a lot, the kids have over heard him talking poorly about them and stating that we would be happier if the kids were not with us. Some months all is very good , but every three months a huge issue starts out of nothing and it becomes pretty horrible to be in the house.I married deeply in love but am struggling to see a future with my husband. He has mentioned his desire for the eldest one to find a home and not live with us after she’s 18. No matter how much I love this person, I feel I’ll fail my children if I stay.I guess I’m just searching for reassurance as I’m so scared of making the wrong decision Dear @Noname1, It sounds very challenging to be caught between your kids and your husband in that way. Thank you for taking the time to tell us about it. I think one of the things that makes dealing with conflicts between family members so tough is the lack of control. When our own behaviour is an issue we have more ability to change it, but it’s harder when other people’s actions are causing issues. You sound like a caring parent who wants the best for your kids. It’s pretty common to worry about making a wrong decision - if only we had a way to know for certain which decision would be best for us! These are big decisions so I can understand not wanting to make the wrong choice. Do you think your husband realises how distressing this has been for you, and how seriously you are taking it? Since there are periods of calm in between tough times, he may be underestimating how important this is. If you think this is the case, and you haven’t already been direct about how much this is impacting your relationship, I would suggest letting him know. Not as an ultimatum, but because if you do decide to stay, he needs to know that your children’s wellbeing and happiness are the biggest priority for you. I’m wondering if you and your husband have ever had a conversation about his role as a step-parent? If not, it can be helpful to know if the two of you have the same understanding about what is expected of him (and of the kids and of you) within the family. If you do have different expectations of each other and don’t realise this, it’s pretty common for this to lead to repeated conflict or problems. Since your children are teenagers he may not have necessarily thought about whether he’d have a role in parenting them until you all started living together. Based on your follow-up post it sounds like he isn’t willing to attend couples counselling. It’s really common for people to be reluctant to attend counselling - whether it’s because he doesn’t think it will help, is afraid of being blamed, or doesn’t recognise its relevance to him. Hopefully he will be more willing for just the two of you to talk about what is happening. The point of talking isn’t to work out who is ‘to blame’ for what’s happening, but to work together to come up with a plan for how things can be better. Sometimes this can be a useful discussion for the family as a whole, but right now I’d suggest it’s important to see if your husband is willing to problem-solve with you in this way. This is a pretty important thing for couples to be able to do together. As part of this, it can help to talk about what’s happening in those months when things are ‘all good’ that enable them to be good. Of course, it’s possible he won’t be willing to talk about these things at all, or won’t be willing to compromise in any way. If this is the case, that’s important for you to know, as it can help you understand how he’s likely to respond to disagreements you have in the future. I’m not sure if you’ve had a chance to speak with Parent Line yet - I hope they were helpful if you have spoken with them. If you’re finding that talking with your husband doesn’t help (or if you don’t feel able to talk to him about these things, or if you’d also like some additional support), then speaking to counsellor yourself may be helpful - counselling can be really useful when dealing with difficult life situations and decisions, as it provides space to work through emotions and consider available options. No one can decide for you or tell you whether it will be best to stay or go, but it can help you feel clear about your choices and give you strategies to help with stress. It can be pretty overwhelming to be dealing with family conflict and facing a difficult decision. Try to remember to take little moments for yourself to do things which help you relax or feel happy (hobbies, listening to music - whatever works best for you when you’re feeling stressed.   Best wishes, Linda Linda is a psychologist experienced in working with people across the lifespan, including teenagers and their families ,in a variety of settings, and is ReachOut's Clinical Lead.   Speak with a professional now We also partner with The Benevolent Society to offer free personalised one-on-one support for parents and carers of teens over the phone and online. For more information: https://parents.au.reachout.com/one-on-one-support ... View more

Ask A Child And Family Professional My daughter has depression and anxiety, but won't see a therapist as she has chosen not too, and apparently that's her choice. She's been drinking for a few years now without me realising, and for the past couple of years has been smoking weed and has tried other drugs. She lies about where she is, has tried self harm to the point where she has been to emergency for help. The rule in my house is that there are to be no alcohol or drugs used. My house, my rules. This afternoon she informed me she was having a pool party with her friends and she would be drinking, regardless of what I thought. When I said no , she got verbally aggressive, as is normal with her when I say no to something. I took her phone, as she basically told me to get F#$@&d several times, and I felt she didn't deserve to have it (I pay the bill). She has since left the house with the two girls that were here, and I cant get in touch with her to find out where she is staying. When she yells she sounds and acts like her father, who was very aggressive and a heavy drinker, which triggers me way too much for my liking, as I yell back at her. Now I feel awful for yelling, and worried about where she is and what she's doing. I want to get her help but there doesn't seem to be the right sort of help for her- everyone says she needs to want the help for it to be available. What can I do?  Hi upsetmum, It sounds like an incredibly stressful situation, I am sorry to hear that things are so difficult. It must also be very frustrating to have to keep trying to get help for your daughter. In most cases, in order for someone to engage in therapy they do need to agree to attend (even if it is a reluctant agreement). This is for a couple of reasons. The first is that therapy generally involves the therapist or counsellor forming a ‘working alliance’ with the young person - identifying some shared goals and working together to address these. This is pretty difficult if the young person isn’t willing to attend.  The second is around consent for treatment. Even though your daughter is still quite young, she is at an age where she is expected to have some input into her medical care. For mental health, it’s usually only possible legally to treat someone who doesn’t want treatment when there is an immediate risk of harm to self or others.  It does sound like your daughter has been at that point at times, and if her self-harm is increasing or if she makes statements about ending her life, your local community mental health can assess her further and may be able to assist (the hospital or your GP will be able to tell you how to contact the local team). I want to acknowledge the heartache it must be causing to see your daughter struggle and not be able to get help for her. What can be helpful in this situation is to focus on improving communication with your daughter. This can help both you and her feel a bit better, and can also make it more likely that she’ll agree to seek help. Are there times when things are a little better between you, and she is not as hostile? Many people find by thinking about the times when things are better and more positive, they can begin to notice patterns. For instance, if there are particular situations where she is more positive, or topics that you can talk about with each other where things are less tense, if you pay attention to what is happening at these times and what you might be saying to her, then this provides a guide to what will help. The goal is to increase the number of positive interactions you have with your daughter. Over time, this can improve the relationship.  Has your daughter indicated why she doesn’t want to get professional help? There can be a lot of reasons for this - worry that it means there is something wrong with them, fear it won’t help, belief that the counsellor/therapist will ‘make’ them change. Understanding why she doesn’t want to see someone, and getting her perspective on what will help her with her anxiety and depression can be very helpful in encouraging change. But, it may be helpful to work on communication between you in general first, so she is more willing to have that conversation.  I’m sorry to hear that your daughter being verbally aggressive has been a repeated pattern. You don’t deserve to be yelled at and verbally abused. It’s understandable that you responded by yelling back, and that this would make you feel even more upset. I’m wondering if you’ve had a discussion with your daughter about the yelling and that it upsets you so much. It may be helpful to talk to her about this recent fight - that you’re sorry for yelling back at her, that you find it really difficult when she yells and is aggressive and it frightens you, which is why you yelled at her.  Letting her know that you responded the way you did because you were feeling overwhelmed could help her feel less alone (as at times she may yell because of feeling overwhelmed), but it also lets her see someone acknowledging when they’ve responded badly (which can help her learn by example - it’s possible she sometimes regrets the things she says to you but doesn’t know how to express that). If you have this discussion, it’s important that you don’t excuse her behaviour or accept blame for her behaviour. It’s still not okay for her to be disrespectful or hostile towards you.  I also would encourage you to think about getting some ongoing support for yourself. You’re in a very difficult situation, and it is understandable this is bringing up past trauma and is very distressing. Seeing a professional can not only help you deal with difficult thoughts and feelings that arise, but also help you identify the best way to respond in the moment. If you aim to see someone with experience in working with families, they can also offer support in how best to manage your relationship with your daughter. Best wishes, Linda Linda is a psychologist experienced in working with people across the lifespan, including teenagers and their families ,in a variety of settings, and is ReachOut's Clinical Lead.   Speak with a professional now We also partner with The Benevolent Society to offer free personalised one-on-one support for parents and carers of teens over the phone and online. For more information: https://parents.au.reachout.com/one-on-one-support ... View more

Ask A Child And Family Professional I have three girls - 8, 12 and 15. They are constantly fighting. Their language is disgusting and they threaten to hurt each other (but fortunately do not). On many occasions I'm not a direct witness to the fighting and name calling and so I don't know how to manage it in terms of consequences because there may be lies or exaggeration involved. Please help. It's really impacting my mental health as I feel my girls have no respect for me or each other. Hi mumof3, That sounds very stressful. I’m sorry to hear things are so challenging with your girls at the moment. Some conflict and arguing is really common and normal amongst siblings. It’s actually part of how children and teens learn skills to manage conflicts with others as adults. But, sometimes things can get out of hand, and it sounds like things have escalated to the point it’s really worrying you. It can be really tricky to identify what is happening when you’re getting a different story from each child. Since the fighting keeps happening, as a first step it can be helpful to change the focus from dealing with each instance of fighting, and instead focus on the overall pattern of behaviour. In order to do this, it’s important that as a family you have a shared understanding of what is and isn’t okay, and consequences for breaking rules. It may seem like they should already understand this - I’m sure sometimes the girls do things which they have been told aren’t okay. But, by sitting down together and working through setting family rules in a way which allows each child to have input and a voice, it can help them feel more responsible for keeping within the boundaries which they have agreed to. Of course, as a parent you can have some ‘non-negotiables’ when setting rules - for instance, that threats to hurt each other aren’t okay. It’s also important that this discussion isn’t about addressing any past arguments - this about problem-solving together how you can all behave in the future so that everyone is respected and can get along. You might need to remind them of this during the conversation, and redirect things if needed. This isn’t going to resolve everything, but it can be a starting point for change. After this conversation, the other thing which is often helpful when there is a disagreement, is to help them to solve the conflict in a productive way, by finding out the cause of conflict (it’s important to get input from both sides), and then help them brainstorm things that could resolve it. There’s some useful information on addressing fights between siblings at raising.children.net.au (this article is relevant https://raisingchildren.net.au/teens/behaviour/sibling-fights/sibling-fighting) I’m wondering whether there is anything that your daughters enjoy doing together, or times when they are not fighting? Trying to find opportunities for them to have positive interactions can also be helpful. If you’re finding these things aren’t helping, or you’re worried that the threats may escalation to physical aggression, then it may be helpful to seek professional help in the form of family counselling. Your GP is a good place to start to identify local services which may be able to provide this. It’s also important to look after yourself. It’s understandable that you feel stressed. Often, I hear from parents that they don’t have time to relax or enjoy themselves because they have too much to do - looking after their kids, and the household, and working. But over time, everyone needs to have an opportunity to do something they enjoy, something which recharges their batteries. Otherwise, we become drained and don’t have the energy we need to look after others (and also because your wellbeing is just as important as other peoples’). So I encourage you to think about ways you might be able to look after yourself, even if it's just something small. Best wishes, Linda Linda is a psychologist experienced in working with people across the lifespan, including teenagers and their families ,in a variety of settings, and is ReachOut's Clinical Lead.   Speak with a professional now We also partner with The Benevolent Society to offer free personalised one-on-one support for parents and carers of teens over the phone and online. For more information: https://parents.au.reachout.com/one-on-one-support ... View more

Ask A Child And Family Professional My 13 year old daughters best friend is becoming involved in some disturbing behaviour. Lying, nude pics, vaping, looking for acceptance anywhere she can find it (internet). I’ve approached her mom twice over the last year. We are friends. I have given details on other things earlier, but not these new behaviours. Both times I made it clear to her that she should be looking at her daughters phone. She was receptive and sounded thankful for the heads up. Do I approach her again? What is my responsibility as a parent to point out the things I know about her daughter? My concern is first that my daughter obviously confided in me. And second, I don’t want something to happen to her friend, and I could have said something. I also don’t know if it’s my place. I have reached out twice now.   Hi Curiousmom1, It’s a tough situation you’re in, and I can understand you feeling uncertain and concerned. It's mpt am easy decision. You’re obviously a caring person who has a strong relationship with your daughter, and who also cares about both your daughter’s friend and her mother. When someone confides in us, usually the best thing to do is to keep that confidence. But, there are some pretty important exceptions to that that most people agree on - like when someone is at serious risk of being hurt. Based on the information in your post, these are some really serious concerns about your daughter’s best friend, and in particular the nude pics and internet behaviour could put her in danger. I recommend letting her mother know about these concerns. I do want to acknowledge that this isn’t without potential consequences as a result - depending on the conversations that your daughter’s best friend may then have with her mother, this could impact on the relationships between your daughter and her friend, and you and the mother. But, the cost of not saying anything could also be pretty high. I’m wondering if you’ve had a conversation with your daughter about secrets, and when things can be kept private versus when they do need to be shared? This can be an important conversation to have with children and teens (and it can be helpful to revisit this as they get older and the types of concerns change). If your daughter understands the reasons why sometimes things can’t be kept in confidence (and that it is about wanting to make sure people are safe and okay), she will feel more confident in deciding what to share and when, and is more likely to accept when things can’t be kept in private. These conversations can also help make it easier for young people to let someone know when they know someone is in danger - because it creates a sense of permission to break a confidence when needed without feeling they are doing the wrong thing. That’s something it’s important to remind yourself of as well. It can be really hard to go against the internal rules we have about keeping secrets, and can result in feelings of guilt and uncertainty. But, there is nothing wrong with sharing information to keep someone safe when that person is in danger. Best wishes, Linda Linda is a psychologist experienced in working with people across the lifespan, including teenagers and their families ,in a variety of settings, and is ReachOut's Clinical Lead.   Speak with a professional now We also partner with The Benevolent Society to offer free personalised one-on-one support for parents and carers of teens over the phone and online. For more information: https://parents.au.reachout.com/one-on-one-support ... View more

Ask A Child And Family Professional I have a 16 year old son with OD. He's very bright, but says no to everything you ask him to do. Punches holes in our walls, fights with twin brother with ADHD. He's on the verge of failing year 11 because he won't do the work, even though he is smart. We feel like we have tried anything and would appreciate any advice or help That sounds like a really challenging situation, no wonder you are finding it tough! Even without the complications of ODD, parenting teens of that age can often be a difficult time as most teens will push boundaries and break rules as part of developing their independence. Since Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) involves a pattern of disruptive and defiant behaviour, this can really amplify the challenges. There are a few things which are often helpful when dealing with disruptive behaviour associated with ODD. You have probably already tried some of these, but hopefully something will sound worth giving a go at the moment. It’s important that all of you have a shared understanding of what the responsibilities, rules and limits for behaviour are, as well as the consequences for breaking rules. It’s particularly important given your son’s age that he be given the opportunity to be involved in developing these limits and rules (ideally the whole family would work these out together). While this doesn’t mean he won’t still break rules, involving him in the process models cooperative behaviour, encourages him to take responsibility and will reduce his level of uncertainty. If you’ve developed rules and responsibilities before, but they haven’t changed in a while, it’s important to review regularly, to see how well they are working for the family. As part of this, think about what areas are most important to address (for instance, punching walls and fighting with his brother), and if there are areas where it is possible to compromise. If you decide to let some behaviours go, then it’s important to genuinely let these things go, and not let frustrations about small things build up and impact how you interact with your son. You’re probably feeling pretty frustrated and even angry at times. This is okay - it’s normal to feel angry when someone is rude or aggressive or hostile. It also provides an opportunity to model how to cope with anger and frustration for your son - for instance, you could do this by taking a moment and stepping back if you’re about to react in a way which will make the situation more tense. Something which happens very often when someone is displaying challenging behaviours is that you might be having more interactions with your son which have a negative focus (dealing with him breaking a rule, asking him to do something, etc) than positive interactions. This is really normal when someone is frequently argumentative or hostile. But, over time it can also make things stressful for all of you. It’s useful to make an effort to notice the times when things are a little better, and acknowledge the efforts he is making, or the things he is doing well. The behaviour you describe certainly can be more common with ODD. However, it’s also worth considering whether there is anything else happening for your son which might be making life tough for him at the moment, and causing him to lash out - for instance, coping with a difficult situation (which could be related to school or a relationship) or depression. The strategies above will still be relevant, but checking in with your son about how he feels things have been going at the moment might give you some insight here (or he might not want to tell you - that’s okay, simply asking in a genuine and caring way helps keeps the communication going, even if he doesn’t want to respond for now). If you don’t currently have any professional help, this is something to think about, as they will be able to provide support which is more tailored to your son. If he’s willing to see someone himself, he could likely benefit from counselling that is focused on building skills to deal with frustrations and anxieties, and help him problem solve. This can be really helpful with ODD. Family counselling would be another option which can be really effective, as it can help teens feel less ‘targeted’ as it's more about working on how the family as a whole communicates and works together, which can help support your son to change behaviour, as well as enabling you to feel confident in how to manage these challenges. However, I do know that often teens are pretty reluctant to see someone. Even if he’s not willing to see someone, consider seeing someone yourself to provide support. I'd recommend looking for someone with experience working with families and with ODD, so that they can coach you regarding how to respond in a way which will be most helpful, and also help you manage the stress you are under due to the situation.   Best wishes, Linda Linda is a psychologist experienced in working with people across the lifespan, including teenagers and their families, in a variety of settings, and is ReachOut's Clinical Lead.     Speak with a professional now We also partner with The Benevolent Society to offer free personalised one-on-one support for parents and carers of teens over the phone and online. For more information: https://parents.au.reachout.com/one-on-one-support ... View more

Ask A Child And Family Professional   Blended family: My two kids and my partner's kids live with us. My partner treats my kids with completely different standards to his. I'm not sure how I approach this with him. Help?   Finding a way for things to work smoothly in a blended family can be a challenge.  I’m wondering, when you all began living together if you had a discussion with your partner about what your expectations were for the kids in terms of rules and their behaviour? It is understandable if this hasn’t happened, or didn’t cover the types of things you are noticing now - people often don’t realise they have different assumptions and standards to each other until something isn’t working well. Having spoken about and agreed upon what standards are expected can make sure that you and your partner are on the same page, and also provides an opportunity to discuss when different children aren’t actually being held to the same standards, and why this might be the case. It can be particularly important to have a discussion if any of the kids also spend time in another household (which may have different rules). If you didn’t have this conversation initially, it’s definitely not too late to have it now - it’s really reasonable to sometimes have to revisit this type of conversation regularly, to make sure that you have a shared understanding of each other’s parenting approaches, and of the role each of you will play when it comes to each other’s children. This type of conversation works best when people are feeling calm and have time to sit down and talk, so it can be useful to let your partner know that you were hoping to have a discussion about rules and expectations for the kids to make sure you are on the same page, and agree upon a time to talk this through.  During this conversation, you can share your thoughts on what is reasonable to expect of the children, and ask your partner to share his. The aim is for the two of you to come to a shared set of expectations that you can agree upon.  This discussion can lead into an exploration of what’s currently expected of each child, and whether this is consistent. Approaching this discussion with a sense of wanting to understand his perspective and the reasons for the difference in how the children are treated, rather than assign blame, can reduce the chance he will react with defensiveness.  You might be feeling frustrated, irritated or concerned that your children are being treated unfairly. It sounds like it is a pattern of behaviour not a once off occurrence, so it has probably been on your mind for a while. If this is the first time you are raising it with your partner, he may or may not be aware of the discrepancy. Sometimes, all that may be needed is for him to realise that there is a difference.  In other cases, it may take some time and require changing some habits. But, by having an open and clear discussion, it ensures that your partner is aware of the issue, and enables the two of you to begin to address it. Kinds regards, Linda Linda is a psychologist experienced in working with people across the lifespan, including teenagers and their families, in a variety of settings, and is ReachOut's Clinical Lead.     Speak with a professional now We also partner with The Benevolent Society to offer free personalised one-on-one support for parents and carers of teens over the phone and online. For more information: https://parents.au.reachout.com/one-on-one-support ... View more

Ask A Child And Family Professional Son doesn't want to seek help Hubby and I feel like there is no one who can help us help our twenty one year old son. He is lonely, angry and unwilling to seek or accept help. He is underweight, has sleeping problems and rarely emerges from his room. We are trying to get him to increase his driving hours (he has almost enough to be tested); have purchased him a second hand car. We want him to see a GP to get help for his sleeping problem but he refuses to do this. He claims ALL online mental health services “work from a script” and don’t care about callers. His level of skepticism and criticism of any mental health service provider is boundless. Yesterday, he had a meltdown about his weight; loneliness; isolation; inability to sleep and punched a hole in a wall.( not for the first time.) We are so desperate and powerless to help him. We have told him we love him and want him to find happiness but that this needs to come from within. We cannot help feeling that this will end with him taking his own life. I don’t know what anyone can say but writing it down here has kind of lightened the load for a moment.     Hi Gwinny, It’s an incredibly difficult thing, to see a loved one suffering and for them to refuse to seek professional help.  It’s a really challenging situation, and there aren’t straightforward solutions. As a parent no wonder you are feeling distressed and feeling like you aren’t getting help. It may feel that the love and support you offer him isn't getting through to him right now, but just because he isn’t responding to what you say doesn’t mean he does not hear it, that it does not have an impact on him. Sometimes, it can take time for someone to reach a point where they are willing to try seeing a GP or psychologist - by continuing to be there and letting your son know how much you care, it makes it more likely he’ll be willing to let you know when he is ready for this.   You may already know this, but parents often find that focusing on listening; acknowledging that things are difficult; asking the young person questions about what they want; and avoiding giving advice are the most effective ways for the young person to feel supported and also to feel willing to consider options like professional help. This can be particularly important when someone is experiencing depression - sometimes the more a parent tries to suggest ideas the more the young person will fight against these ideas. I wanted to draw your attention to this article in case you haven’t see it. It’s about teenagers, but also relevant to young adults. https://parents.au.reachout.com/common-concerns/mental-health/things-to-try-depression/what-to-do-if-my-teenager-doesnt-want-help Gwinny, you mention that you are concerned about your son taking his own life. Is this something you have discussed with him? These thoughts are unfortunately something many people experience, and a lot of people sit with these thoughts alone. For some young people, being asked about these thoughts and letting someone know can be a relief, and can help them get the help they need. If you haven’t already spoken to him directly about whether he is having thoughts of suicide then I would recommend checking in around this (here’s a guide to this conversation: https://parents.au.reachout.com/common-concerns/mental-health/things-to-try-suicide-prevention/how-to-talk-to-your-teen-about-suicide) If your son is ever at immediate risk of harm to himself, then you can contact emergency services so that he can be taken to the local hospital for assessment. Mental health services are generally only about to see someone without their consent when there is an immediate risk, because recovery from depression involves working cooperatively with the person, but it’s important to know that this option is there in an emergency. It’s common to find that people who are supporting a loved one through mental health difficulties begin to find they feel exhausted and stressed, it’s really important for you and your husband to also look after yourselves and each other. This can be hard when you are worried about someone, but is important because it helps give you energy to continue to support your son; models good self-care behaviour; and also because your wellbeing matters too. If you feel like this is something you are struggling with right now, you may find it helpful to access some professional support for yourselves.  You and your husband sound like determined and caring parents. I’m glad you posted, and that doing so lightened the load a little bit - there’s a power in sharing with others, in not feeling alone in what you are going through. Best wishes, Linda Linda is a psychologist experienced in working with people across the lifespan, including teenagers and their families, in a variety of settings, and is ReachOut's Clinical Lead.     Speak with a professional now We also partner with The Benevolent Society to offer free personalised one-on-one support for parents and carers of teens over the phone and online. 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