Strict parenting and dating

[Imaleo18]

Have a 15 yr old daughter. At 13 she was hanging with the wrong people, had sex and was sexting. Then was bullied about it so homeschooled her and even moved away. Got her counselling and everything had been good until recently. Started hanging with a girl she knew from back home and met a boy and now wants to date. Dad is very strict with boys and after everything that we went through. Dad also wants her to focus on herself, school and making friends (not boyfriends). She only has 1 friend and doesn't want to do anything like sport to make friends. I'm kind of on the fence as I am scared because of the stuff we went through when she was 13 and she did go behind our back with this boy when she was suppose to be hanging with her friend but at the same time she is a teenager and needs to experience life.
Dad isn't budging on the no boys thing though.

[Bel_RO]

Hey @Imaleo18,

Welcome to ReachOut and thank you for sharing what you’re going through! I can see that things have been exceptionally taxing with your 15 year old daughter. It is understandable that you are feeling scared about letting her date this boy, after everything you had experienced with her when she was 13 years old. I am wondering what boundaries you feel might be important to consider, if your daughter does date this boy?. ReachOut also has a number of informative articles about sex and teenagers, and romantic relationships and teenagers. You might find some of the articles helpful, and they may provide you with some insight and ideas moving forward. 

Despite all of this, you were both able to seek counselling for your daughter, make the decision to homeschool her, and even move, which is incredibly admirable. I am wondering if your daughter is still speaking to her counsellor?. 

I can see that dad is also against your daughter dating this boy because of what happened in the past. I can imagine how difficult it must have been for the both of you to be faced with this. I am curious if you both have spoken to friends or family about what you’re experiencing? It is also important for the both of you to be able to look after your wellbeing, so I am wondering if you and dad have any professional support? ReachOut offers free 1:1 parent coaching sessions that you might find helpful connecting with and receiving support from. 

[Imaleo18]

No idea what boundaries would even look like as I said dad is not keen on the idea at all and is very old school. She doesn't go to counselling anymore but I think she needs to get back into it even though she doesn't think she needs too.
Have only spoke with my mum, old boss and one friend. I don't think my partner has spoke about it with anyone. But it is hard as even though I have spoken to them I feel like they didn't really understand as they hadn't experienced anything like that 😔

[Stormy-RO]

Hey @Imaleo18 just chiming in to acknowledge how hard it must have been to move your whole life after what happened with your daughter, and to be faced with this situation a couple of years later. It makes sense that you are apprehensive towards the issue, and that you and your husband have different perspectives on whether your daughter should be allowed to date. It makes sense that you are caught between opposing forces and I'm glad to hear that you have been connecting with others for support.

It sounds like getting your daughter back into counselling is something that could be helpful. It may be a space that she can discuss her feelings about friendships and dating with someone who is nonjudgemental, and the counsellor may see the situation with a whole different lens and be able to support your daughter with whatever she hasn't expressed to you, or give you some guidance. I was also wondering whether you and your husband sought support in the past for yourselves when you were navigating these issues? As @Bel_RO mentioned, we have a great free parent coaching service which allows you up to 4 sessions to help you build goals and develop coping strategies around your teen as a parent. Parentline is another great option. You are also more than welcome to have a look at similar stories on our community.