It’s all too common for parents and carers to be superheroes in the lives of those they support, but then experience massive stress and burnout themselves. This can be particularly difficult as you might have fewer supports to turn to in times of hardship and want to be resilient in the face of your teen’s struggles. It’s totally normal and understandable to feel the pressure when you are looking after someone else, but it’s also so important in those moments to find ways to look after yourself too.   Unfortunately, a lot of self-care tips and strategies thrown around might feel inaccessible for busy parents and carers, so we have sourced some suggestions from parents at ReachOut for how they manage self-care while looking after their young people.    Who are you, how many kids do you have and how old are they?   I’m a dad in the team at ReachOut. We’re in a blended family, all together there’s 5 kids between 19 and 5 years old!   I’m a mum from RO and have one daughter aged 21. I also have a stepson in his 30s who lived with us throughout adolescence.    How can you squeeze in self-care and mindfulness during a busy schedule? Dad: What’s worked for me is to break it down a bit. It’s always a challenge to carve out blocks of time in a busy work and family schedule, what works for me is to make the most of smaller moments. Taking the dog for a walk is an example of something that has to be done, but also a way I can build in a peaceful moment for myself, going into the bush, or at the park, and taking some time to chill myself. Trying to stop my mind for a bit, soak up the nature around me, making the most of even small moments like this can help a lot to separate from the stresses of the busy life. Other things include the activities that make me feel good, like some exercise where I can; being social; finding small pockets of time to connect with my partner - things that are also important to have for well-being.   Mum: It is definitely a challenge when my schedule is full so I try not to overbook myself with chores, errands and household stuff.  That way I can always find some time to do something for myself, even if it is something small like walking the dog or having an early night with a book.  Planning special activities is also something I enjoy like booking a holiday or a get together with family or friends and it means I have something to look forward to.   When your young person needs you to be strong for them, how can you find ways to be resilient without burning yourself out? Dad: Remembering that it’s my role to support my kids, but not do things for them helps to share the burden. I can do my part, but they also need to help themselves to build their own resilience, self worth, and independence. It also means I’m not always the target when things don’t always go right! Reminding myself of the bigger picture is important, to not get stuck in the details or the moments of situations - it’s all part of a bigger process. And a good lesson I learnt from my partner - don’t sweat the small stuff! Letting things go that aren’t that important is a useful way to keep relationships strong.   Mum: Often my support and remaining strong is not the only support my daughter has as she has a very close friend group. I feel I can provide the strength without burning out as when she is with friends I know she is receiving valuable support and strength from them so I don’t always have to feel the burden. Sometimes she prefers to lean on my partner if his style of parenting is what she needs at the time which also gives me some space.   Who can you turn to for support? Dad: My partner is pretty great, and it’s important for us to have a similar approach to parenting so we don’t get into too much conflict about that. It’s also good to have other supports, as often you’re going through the same struggles with your partner so need some outside perspective. Just sharing stuff with others can help to get it off your chest so you can recharge, and prep yourself for the next round of life! Mum: My partner is great to vent to and we share the parenting so can totally empathise with each other.  I also spend time with my sister who has 2 sons around the same age and we can have honest conversations if we are struggling with any certain parenting issues.  My daughter’s friend’s parents are also a supportive network particularly when they were in their teens getting into all sorts of mischief !   How do you cope when you see your young person struggling and feel responsible for their challenges, especially when there’s only so much you can do? Dad: Yeah it’s hard to see them in pain - as a parent you just want to protect them from it, or take that pain away. But it’s important to support them through it rather than stepping in to save them, as this will help them build up their own strength and coping strategies. And it also stops you from getting caught up in it which can result in teens blaming you for the issues. Remember it’s a journey that we’re all on, it wasn’t that long ago that we ourselves were going through it, and mostly with a bit of guidance and support we got through it too. And remember to take time out for yourself (and your partner and other kids) too!   Mum: It’s very difficult not to feel responsible when all you really want is the very best for your child.  In her early days I used to jump in and save her and she became very reliant on me to come to her rescue.  At some point I saw how this really affected her own resilience and self-worth as she was not feeling the accomplishment and pride of taking control of her own life.  I did eventually take a more “hands off” approach to supporting her by doing a lot of listening and empowering her to make her own decisions and take action and accountability in her life.  This approach worked so much better and I saw her self esteem and confidence improve enormously. If you are finding yourself struggling, consider contacting your GP who can start on the journey of finding you support. Other great resources include Beyond Blue, where you can talk to a counsellor via phone or webchat, or lifeline if you are in crisis. ... View more

Embarking on the journey of romantic relationships can be both thrilling and nerve-wracking for young hearts. When your teen gets into a relationship, a lot of attention is brought to their own experiences of love and learning to navigate this new stage in their life. However, it can be tough for parents to manage their teen getting into their first relationship too. Worrying about their maturity levels, having them move away from family and peers for the first time, to having another significant person in their life (and by extension in yours) can come with many feelings, from pride to apprehension to protectiveness.    We asked the mum of a young person to discuss her feelings of anxiety when her teen entered her first relationship, and tips to manage the tough moments. Her responses are recorded below.   What are some of the anxieties you felt when your teen got into a relationship? My anxieties were - The type of person he was and that he treated her well.  That she would have her heart broken if they broke up.  Unprotected sex and unconsenting sex. Sharing nude or sexual photos with him that could be shared with others if they broke up.  Being in an abusive relationship (emotional, sexual, physical).   How did you manage communication with your teen about their relationship? I constantly asked about him, what was he like, what are his hobbies or sport, what family or siblings does he have, where does he live, etc etc.  Ongoing conversations about how she is feeling and how the relationship is going.  Also being alert to any changes in her moods and checking in if she seemed upset or if they had a fight.  Always making him feel welcome in our home so I could communicate with him and observe their relationship.   How did you have difficult conversations with your teen about their relationship? I knew that she received a lot of sex education for several years at school but I had some difficult conversations about respectful sex/intimacy.  Even though I felt a bit uncomfortable at first, I tried to sound as straight forward and comfortable as possible to ensure the conversation felt natural and normal.  We also had lots of discussions about coercive control and how it can start with small things and red flags to look out for.   How do you look after yourself while your teen is having relationship difficulties? I would always talk to friends who were parents and found this really helped validate my approach and my feelings.  Removing myself from her situation and spending time doing things for myself helped keep perspective.   It can help to know that you’re not alone in how you’re feeling  There are many other anxieties which a parent may have about their teen’s relationship. From setting boundaries on your teen’s behalf, worrying if they are acting out of character, cheating and breakups, we have a range of articles here on all things romantic relationships. If you’re keen for more information and insight into navigating your teen’s relationship, we recently had a sexologist answer some questions in this article. ... View more

Going to school helps teens build confidence and resilience, as well as facilitating learning and social development. However, the experience of going back to school after a long break can be overwhelming for both teens and parents.  If your teen is starting at a new school, or entering high school for the first time, they might be worried about things like making new friends, keeping old friends, managing increased workload, new relationships with teachers and a bigger school, or fears of bullying. Those transitioning to the senior years may be worried about increased workload and assessments, managing competing priorities like sport, work and study, friendships and relationship troubles.  If your teen is worried about school, this may show up in a number of ways, including: - Arguing about going to school - Health complaints like stomach aches or headaches - Difficulty falling asleep before school  - Procrastinating from preparing for school. Many of these struggles are commonplace and it can be helpful for you to work with your teen on problem-solving skills. Problem-solving can be done together when you are both in a calm headspace and can be broken down into six steps: Identify what the problem is. This may seem simple, but it involves being able to put into words the key issue to give everyone mutual understanding of what’s going on. Think about why it’s a problem. Why is it so important? Why is it upsetting? It can help to use statements like ‘I need’ ‘I want’ ‘I feel’ to help your teen express the root cause of their concerns. Brainstorm possible solutions to the problem. Try to come up with 5 possible solutions. Even crazy and unrealistic ones can be helpful to set the tone of discussion. Evaluate. Look at the pros and cons of the solution. For example, if your teen doesn’t want to go back to school, a pro of never going to school would be to reduce anxiety, but a con would be not being able to see friends or do sports. Put the solution into action. Who will do what, when will they do it, and what resources are needed? Evaluate the outcome of your problem-solving. What worked? What could you do differently next time to make the solution better? Repeat the previous steps as needed. Examples of problem-solving:  - Fears of bullying: When transitioning to a new school, teens may be afraid of how bullying could appear. It may be worth having a conversation to gauge their fears of bullying and how they feel they will cope. - Making new friends and keeping old friends: Talk through ways that they could make connections with others. For example, they might arrange to see old friends during the holidays, or practise sharing and listening in new friendships. - Managing increased workload: Helping them to be organised and create a routine around study, leisure time and sleep, with a system that works for them.  School refusal School refusal is when teens become distressed about going to school, and they won’t or can’t go. Your teen might refuse to go to school because of worries about leaving home, learning difficulties, social problems or other reasons. Problem-solving around school attendance can help you to understand what makes it hard for them to leave home or go to school. Get an idea of why your teen may be uncomfortable going back to school. This could be through: - Open-ended questions e.g. can you tell me how you feel at school?  - Direct questions, with a yes/no answer: Is there someone at school/a teacher/a class that is making you feel anxious - Hypothetical questions: If you walked into school this morning, would you feel comfortable when… (e.g. a certain class started, you saw friends, you saw your teacher)? If you could change one thing about school, what would it be? If your teen doesn’t want to explain the reasons behind school refusal, it can help to take a step back and strengthen your relationship with them so that they feel comfortable opening up to you without fear of being judged. Try to make them feel genuinely heard about their concerns, so that they may feel more open to finding coping strategies and working with you. When coming up with solutions, there are a number of things you can do: - Talk about the positives of school, like friends, activities or subjects. - Work on small actionable steps towards homework and assessments, like writing 100 words on an essay at a time. - Cultivate healthy media habits, like not engaging in negative media which could make them feel anxious, or getting caught up in social media issues. - Encourage a regular sleep schedule and leave time for exercise, so that they feel physically ready to go to school. - Create a routine around school in the evening and morning to make the experience as stress-free as possible, for example preparing lunches the night before. - Reward your teen for going to school, like with their favourite meal for dinner or technology time. Alternatively, make home-time boring and unrewarding, like limiting access to technology and make them do school work at home so there is no reward for staying at home. The best way to get children back to school is by working as a team with the school, and seeking mental health support when needed. If mental health support is needed, a professional can help give you the tools your teen needs to manage their school refusal at home. How to manage school refusal yourself - Accept that every day will be different and that it’s not a reflection of your efforts. - Celebrate the efforts you and your teen make even if the outcome is not perfect. - Set clear boundaries around the expectation that school attendance is the norm. - Show confidence that you will get your teen back to school, be patient, and go to your own supports when you feel frustrated and overwhelmed. - When you are feeling well, you have the best chance of supporting your teen in their anxieties around school refusal. Keep doing the things that keep you well, like eating properly, exercising and getting enough rest.  Talk to a trusted friend or seek professional help if needed. ReachOut also offers 1-1 Parent Coaching which can support you through school refusal. ... View more

Family conflict is a normal process and how people under one roof may work together to resolve differences. Family conflict and teenagers, or conflict around teenagers, is an important topic, as conflict often escalates in teenage years and can arise for a number of reasons. The holiday season may be a time of festivities and connection, but also when tensions run high as family members manage increased stress and more frequent interactions outside of the school schedule. Teens will probably be aware of hostility between caregivers, whether in their presence or not. They may feel unsafe or distressed but not show this directly. They do better when caregivers can listen respectfully to differences and find healthy ways to resolve conflict. However, in the case of ongoing confrontation that goes without resolution, there is a need to protect teens while as a parent or carer you look after yourself. Teens may show that they’re being impacted by conflict in the home in a number of ways, including: - Withdrawing from friends and family - Having trouble concentrating at school - Behaving aggressively or acting out - Having trouble eating or sleeping - Seeming sad or unable to regulate their emotions - Feeling guilty or responsible.  Through conflict, a teen needs an adult who can provide warmth, structure, emotional support and consistency. This may be in the form of continuing and creating routines, providing validation and affirming their efforts at school and elsewhere, enabling their social growth and being present for them to come to for support. It is also important to provide them with many avenues of support. This may be a relative, family friend, teacher or school counsellor. It is also important for sibling relationships to be sustained, as well as routines around school and extracurriculars. Family conflict can affect your ability to connect with your child as you might be more annoyed or irritable, lack the energy to support them or to provide structure at home. Even if you cannot resolve the conflict, there are things you can do to shield your child.  - Don’t lean on your child for support, even if they appear to be able to handle it. Lean on other adults, including professional support if needed. - Don’t allow/make your child take sides in order to gain your approval. - Acknowledge to your child that there are disagreements or conflicts without having to go into more detail than the child needs to respond. - Don’t make them feel responsible for the conflict or resolution. Teens may also want to create a wellness plan for navigating ongoing conflict in the family. This may include seeing friends or relatives to talk about it, or engaging in self-soothing strategies which can take their mind off the conflict until it is resolved.    Separated Parenting and the Holidays The holiday season is often a stressful time for families despite the festivities. This is particularly so for parents who are separated and are managing shared contact with their children. There are ways you can help to provide support, structure and balance so that everyone can enjoy their break. Here are some tips for celebrating the holidays when families are separated: 1. Have a pre-existing plan for what happens around important days, like Christmas or New Years. Agree on which parent will see the children on what days and at what time, and be reasonable and respectful as much as you can be for their other parent’s choices. It may help to have an alternating schedule every year, to split the day between parents, or to ask your teen what arrangement they would prefer. Here is a comment from a teen whose parents are separated and how they are celebrating their holidays: One thing that’s always worked for me and my family is having a prearranged schedule for Christmas time. Christmas Eve and Boxing Day are with my mum, and Christmas Day is with my dad. This has helped prevent any schedule clashes or conflicts around Christmas. It makes the holidays a lot less stressful for everyone and provides some stability and reliability. 2. Don’t make it into a competition between your child’s co-parent. Expensive gifts or getaways might make your teen feel conflicted or stuck in the middle of having to appreciate one parent’s contribution over the other’s, which will ultimately make their holidays less enjoyable. 3. Communicate with their other parent. Take the pressure off your teen to be responsible for arranging their own holidays or speaking between you. They may also have existing events or plans, which both parents need to know about. If you need advice or guidance around parenting arrangements and the holidays, consider talking to the Family Relationships Advice Line.    Family Violence When conflict becomes unhealthy, or turns into aggression or violence, the way a parent  or carer will navigate the situation will likely change. Where possible, it is important to shield your teen from family violence while looking after yourself. Teens may have a safety plan for conflict or violence outside the home, including who to contact and where to go when things become dangerous or at-risk. Sometimes it is the teen themselves who is a perpetrator of conflict or violence. If your teen is behaving violently, here are some things you can do: - Stay calm. - Limit what you say to them in the moment. - Call for help from a friend or family member. - Go to a safe place in your home. - Go to a safe place outside your home and wait for help. For more information and assistance in making safety plans, 1800RESPECT provides free phone or chat-based counselling support for those impacted by family violence or abuse. Other Resources: Family Relationships can provide a range of support and information during the holiday period including navigating conflict, family and custody arrangements. Relationships Australia provides a range of services and has a hotline for each state. There are a number of Parent Helplines which can also provide support and advice on parenting.  ... View more

In a hyper-connected world of financial crises, cost of living spikes, global conflicts and increasing natural disasters, there’s no doubt that we are living in uncertain times and your teen knows about it.    They may feel: - Anxious and worried - Helpless - Confused - Frustrated and angry - Sad or hopeless - A sense of responsibility for what’s going on You may have some of these feelings too! It’s hard to not have the answers to all the issues at hand, and we can’t control what’s happening in the world. Our children are living through very different times than we might have at their age, and it’s important not to compare our own experiences to theirs. That being said, there are ways you can guide yourself and your whole family towards feeling better.   Tips to support your teen through uncertain times: - Acknowledge that they might be feeling stressed or hopeless and validate that this is normal to feel. - Open up a conversation about things happening in the world. Consider doing research together and discussing what can and can’t be controlled, and guide them towards self-care activities. You can also flip this around and spend time finding good news together and taking time to celebrate. - Switch off together. Make rules around checking or discussing news and finances at family events, and respectfully draw boundaries around being able to say ‘no’ to discussions. Remind them that they don’t need to stay up-to-date with the news. - Make sure your teen has healthy outlets for their stress like exercise, hobbies or friendships. You may also want to encourage them to take up a new project, or find a way to contribute to the community, such as volunteering, to empower themselves.  - Be aware of how much you tell your teen and get them involved in family stressors. They may need to know a little bit about what is happening financially or socially, but not anything that may overwhelm them. This will likely change based on their age and maturity level. Let them know that either way, it isn’t their fault, and listen if they want to contribute. - Make sure they know they can access support outside of the family.   We have a previous piece on cost of living which gives resources on where to look for financial support. We also have a piece on helping your teen cope with world news. Finally, we have articles on helping your teen cope with change, and on how to build coping skills for anxiety. ... View more

Many parents find that the final year of school is a stressful time not only for their teen but for the whole family. It’s normal to feel unprepared and to get caught up in the anxiety your teen is feeling. The final years of school encompass so many more measures of success than academic marks alone. It’s an essential time to learn life skills which are valuable beyond year 12, like creating routines, managing procrastination, prioritising tasks, fostering social connections and taking control of personal wellbeing. While you can’t sit your teen’s exams for them, it’s important to be a consistent and grounding presence in their studies, especially when they are experiencing mental health challenges around their assessments. We’re going to discuss here how you can help your teen with their studies.    Parental expectations One thing parents and teens may not see eye-to-eye on is the importance of studies and final exams. Even if a parent never talks about this directly, by adolescence a young person may have internalised ideas about what success looks like from the parent’s perspective. It’s possible for parents to overestimate how important marks are and underestimate options outside of school, or a parent who hasn’t been to university to not be as familiar with the importance of final assessments.  It can help to understand the underlying values that are at play when there are disagreements. You can ask: what is it that each of you value about doing well in school? What does it mean to not get the desired result? Are you considering an external maker of success? Even if you and your teen value different things, it can help to validate their perspective, and to consider all aspects of their life around studies where balance can be created.   Your relationship with your teen’s studies Building an ongoing relationship with your teen’s time studying can help you not only check in on their wellbeing, but shows them that you’re someone who they can come to in moments where they’re feeling overwhelmed. Have a look at this comment from the parent of a 2020 HSC student: My main strategy was to always keep communication open around anything and everything.  I would constantly check in with her and listen to what was going on.  The urge to fix everything was so strong and as a parent you just want to make everything better for your child.  However this just annoyed and aggravated her and deep down I knew that building resilience is very important for a teenager’s development. So I would just listen, listen, listen and validate her feelings. This definitely helped her a lot and she opened up to me more knowing there would be no judgement or unwanted advice. Sometimes just letting her know I was here if she wanted to talk would be enough. Some ways to support your teen while they’re studying might include: Helping them to map out a routine that works for them Offering support around procrastination, such as holding them accountable to goals they set for themselves Rewarding them for their efforts, not their marks alone Giving them a break from chores or other responsibilities near exams Asking what they would find helpful If you have found yourself in difficult situations in work or studies, sharing your strategies with your teen can also help them feel like they’re not alone and give them practical suggestions for how to manage their own stress.   When your teen is focusing on failure Sometimes a teen will have moments where they feel like they’ve failed in their studies and it overwhelms them. When a teen is catastrophising before or after an exam, it’s often instinctual to want to reassure your teen. However, this can be the opposite of helpful, and feel invalidating to the real stress and fear of consequences that may be felt. Instead, you can meet your teen at their level of stress, allowing them to see that you are on their team and are seeking to understand how they’re feeling. This doesn't mean you need to agree with them if they seem to be overestimating the likelihood that they have done badly, but it helps to really listen to and seek to understand how they are feeling. Asking questions about what they think contributed to the failure can allow your teen to reflect on the skills they need to develop or consider reevaluating their own expectations.  If your teen has always struggled with studying, perhaps they need to get extra help, routine, or reconsider their after-school pathways. There are many alternatives to university which are often not emphasised by the schooling system, such as taking a gap year, seeking work, or TAFE. Giving these alternatives and reframing failure as a delay, rather than an end, may help your teen to relax and be able to work their hardest regardless, especially if you can provide examples of people who have done the same.    Resources from ReachOut Supporting your teen with study stress Mindsets and learning from failure Work through problems with your teenager Talking to your teen about disappointment   With these suggestions in mind, we wish you and your teens luck on their final exams! ... View more