13yr daughter defiant and speaks of suicide

[lighthouse369]

My beautiful, kind, loving daughter has turned into a miserable, defiant and broken young girl. She feels that her family have rejected her and don't want to be with her. Self harm came into the picture a couple of years ago and she has been seeing a psychologist for that and social anxiety. Some days she refuses to eat and can't sleep. Doctor prescribed melatonin but she won't take it. I put boundaries on screen time which gets received with such defiance and hatred. The awful tone that she speaks to me (and her Dad) in is just so unnecessary and rude. Tonight I told her that if she continues to speak to me in that tone, that I would take her computer and phone away. This was met with "then you are taking everything away from me and I might as well commit suicide!". I am at the end of my tether. She says that I am controlling because I make her eat and give her boundaries and try administer the melatonin as prescribed by the doctor. I love her so much but I feel that I am losing her. She spends a lot of time on her computer as she writes fan fiction (she really has a talent for writing) and has met an online friend who "understands" her. This scares me too as who knows who this person is??
My husband and I don't want to push her too far and then she does actually commit suicide but we can't let her hold us to ransom whenever she uses the phrase. The relationship between her and her younger sister (12yr) is also really strained.

[compassion]

@lighthouse369

I am having troubles with my account, lighthouse369. I posted to you earlier but my post disappeared. I will write you a longer post tomorrow (it's middle of the night in my part of the world) but, for now, I wanted you to know that you've been heard.  Thank you for trusting your concerns and fears with this community. 

[Taylor-RO]

Hello @lighthouse369, that sounds like a very challenging situation for your family. It must be so hard to hear these hurtful things from your daughter. Has the psychologist provided any advice around this defiance? Is there a safety plan and action plan surrounding suicide and self-harm for your daughter? It definitely hard to tackle this on your own. Are there any activities you engage on your own or with your family to engage in self-care? It is important to look after yourself as a parent as you are continuously providing support to your family!

Have sent you an email @compassion, regarding the technical difficulties 

[lighthouse369]

Hi @Taylor-RO. Thanks for your reply. Things have been up and down with tonight having another "I need to hurt myself" episode. Apparently I am too controlling about how she speaks to her parents; nag too much by having technology time limits and reminding her when the time has passed. So I said, that's fine, tomorrow you show me that you can do the things in the expected time frame and I don't nag anymore - went down like a lead balloon. Can't treat them.like children because they know everything, can t give them the freedom they desire because they can't handle it.
😩😩😩
Anyway, life goes on and we can only do the best we can.

[Dad4good]

Hi @lighthouse369,

That sounds very familiar, unfortunately!

My son also expresses anger when setting boundaries (I have the same issue with screen time). I give him 10 minute warning (which I do in a very "friendly" voice) but when it comes to handing over the device he says "just wait a minute" and if I try and reach for it he can get physical.

I haven't figured out a good way around the problem with boundaries. My son has ODD so it pretty much happens every time I ask him to do something. Looking forward to receiving that magic wand that you are supposed to get when you become a parent. It must be stuck in the mail!

Best of luck!