Parent of a bullied girl who doesn't see it

[Concerned2019]

Hi everyone. I just signed up there.

My Girl is 12 yr old and she has Aspergers .

She had 2 main friends in high school, 1 bullied the other and she was very stressed being put in the middle but the bullied girl left to go to a new school. so now my girl is left with the bully girl who she thinks is her best friend. 

I keep an eye on her Instagram account which she hated but by doing that I found out my girl was self harming. I can't type that without crying. phew ok so I then find out the bully girl self harms too and her mum doesn't mind cos she done it when she was younger!!! This girl also says she's bisexual which now my girl says she thinks she's gay (I don't care if she is) but its such a coincidence all these things. Ive learnt that the bully girl has told mine that she herself has clinical depression, ADHD and a lot of other things which now my girl worries about her and I've discovered these are all lies. my girl now knows she lied but she's still her best friend. We are worried sick. My son who is her twin is heartbroken too and thinks its his fault cos they bicker sometimes, of course I've told him not but he has Autism and struggles. My husband and I never dreamed she would ever self harm. The bully girl runs into school all happy and pulls up her sleeve happily showing my girl her new cuts, glorifying it. School were horrified but the bully girls mum didn't show up for a meeting. I'm feeling like there is gonna be nothing else to do about her. School have moved them in the class like separated them but they still meet up at break and lunch. I had so much hatred for the bully that it was starting to take over my mind, she's only 12 yr old so I had to pull myself together then my girl came home asking to go out to play with her after school!!. Im at a loss..My girls self harm was not deep cuts, almost like paper cuts so I reckon she knew it was wrong but cos this other girl was saying "it feels too good" I think she went with it. She promises never to do it again but I'm struggling to trust her now.

Thank you for reading and my advice to anyone is keep checking social media. it could save your child.

Heartbroken mum

[TOM-RO]

Hi @Concerned2019 

Welcome to the forums. 

I can see your concern and care for your daughter going through this peer pressure right now and it must've been so hard for you to find out she was self harming. It sounds like you're really supportive and loving and I'm sure she can see that and at that age sometimes that's all they need is to know that you're there for them no matter what. Have you thought about getting a counsellor to support your daughter as well? 

I'm going to tag some parents on here so they can support you and provide some advice as well

@Schooner @compassion @sunflowermom @taokat 

[Concerned2019]

Thank you so much. I'm scared to sleep at night incase she's doing that. We take shifts to sleep. Can't imagine at this time ever feeling safe again. She had a good life before, the trust was there now she says can't you trust me.. Like really are you serious.

[Concerned2019]

We are in process of waiting lists for therapy but she. We asked her to call a help line. Next day she told this girl and she said your parents are over reacting big time. She puts us down to our daughter and disses the help lines

[TOM-RO]

@Concerned2019

That's really sad to hear that you and your family are struggling to sleep as a result. It sounds like everyone is being impacted. Even though this girl seems to have a negative impact on your daughter, it's really good that she tells you what's happening and you're doing everything you can to be there for her and support her. 

[Concerned2019]

Thank you for your comment. I am lucky she tells me things although I found out about self harming by going through her Instagram account. I'm now just at a stage of...to My daughter... You know she does all this but you want to be her friend vid you don't have other friends due to anxiety. We feel her Asperger's is a big impact on this situation that now we don't know what to do. If she didn't have Asperger's I think we would handle it differently. But she does and we feel have to handle it more sensitive. I dunno guess I'm just at a loss and needed to talk to someone other than my family. When your child wants to be friends with someone that ya see is negative on her but she don't see it or does but doesn't want to be on her own so any friend is better than none.

[gina-Ro]

hi @Concerned2019, thank you for sharing this  - such a painful and difficult situation to be in and my heart goes out to you. 

It's great that your daughter is talking to you, and it sounds like you have good communication which is so important! 

Do you have any support people you can talk to - it might be helpful for you to get a professional opinion from a  mental health counselor, or an Asperger's behavioral specialist?

This is also a helpful way to get your own support in all of this - self-care / support may seem like the last thing you want to do when you're consumed with caring for your daughter, but it is more important than ever.  

My other thought is that while it is super painful to watch, sometimes young people need to learn these lessons for themselves - learning who is and isn't a good friend / influence, and around how to manage their own relationships and boundaries - although I understand that this may be a different situation considering your daughter's aspergers, and she may need extra support to be able to do this. 

Could you link your daughter in with some support with a counsellor to talk through some of these things? 

[Concerned2019]

Thanks so much for your lovely comment. We have a car worker who actually started with us a week before all this started, she was assigned to us to help as my husband also has autism and I have epilepsy. She's been amazing through it all and she's mainly just listened, I dunno if she appreciates what an impact she has had on us. She also works with the school so she goes in I think 3 days a week and my daughter goes to her class and learns about friendships and all that, but for some reason she keeps going back to this other girl. I was filled with so much hatred for her but we have decided to try forget about her and concentrate on my daughter. She came home other day asking to go out and play with her. Honestly is that a joke... But it got us thinking so we called care worker and she thinks maybe we should try another way and let her play with her and she will see what she's like but keep it very strict. She said maybe show my daughter I don't hate her even though I do and invite her over to the house that way I can see whats what, I'm struggling with that idea just now. Can I really have the person who I feel influenced my girl to self harm in my house. I'm a very placid person, in no way have feelings of well I dunno but I'm not a mad kinda person but mess with my kids and something just gets my heart. I'm truly grateful to have the care worker who has guided us and listened to our feelings of guilt worry and just heartbroken parents. It's helping typing here too. I just don't know how ill ever relax again unless my daughter is in the same room as me for life. I just thank God I had her Instagram password. Thank God I am a good mum and didn't just let her get on with it. She didn't like I had the password, point proven I think now though.

[Taylor-RO]

Hey @Concerned2019, I think it would be really hard to put your feelings aside and allow her into your house. Do you think you will take the advice of the care worker? Have you worked on any strategies for your daughter if she continues to see this friend that is influencing her? I also had to edit a name out that you mentioned in your post - as per our guidelines. No big deal, just to protect privacy and anonymity.

[Concerned2019]

Oh sorry did I mention a name?

I really don't feel that I can let her near my house. We have just tried everything and my daughter got so upset that we tried to stop her seeing her friend that now they think it might be good idea for us to come across as the good ppl and let this friend trip herself up. My daughter sees some bad things about her but so far it's not enough. Worst time of my life and my families life. Scared to upset her but wanting to get her to see sense.