About TOM-RO

TOM-RO · ‎05-22-2022

Hey @worriedmum720 Sounds like you are both very understanding and supportive. Your active use of 'they/them' pronouns attests to this. Its very hard for any parent to see their child unhappy let alone self harming so no wonder youre feeling this way. I can see how you would make the link between the self harming and their gender identity issues and whether or not this is truly the case for them, sometimes we have to just continue to be understanding and supportive (like you already are) until they are ready. If we force or push them to seek support when they are not ready, we can sometimes risk pushing them away. That said, Im wondering how severe the self harming behaviour is. Does it require medical attention? If so, we may then need to intervene regardless to keep them safe or to contact 000 if needed. There is a great article on gender identity here that may be worth checking out also: https://au.reachout.com/articles/how-emma-learnt-to-accept-herself-and-her-gender-identity

TOM-RO · ‎12-01-2021

HI Janey... Sounds like a difficult situation. I think that on the one hand, this is his daughter and it sounds positive that she is spending quality time with him. It might be more helpful to view it as family time including all 3 of you, then to perceive it as a her vs me situation. On the other hand though, it does sound like a good idea to give her a bedtime and to display consisitent parenting. I would think that having a more formal discussion with him about your respective parenting approaches might be beneficial. It would also be helpful to talk to him about the way youre feeling. Maybe if there is a discussion about spending some quality time together with just the 2 of you, then there would be less distress from your end regarding spending time with the daugther. It does sound like a tricky situation though and i can see why youre feeling stressed. Be sure to reach out to friends, or professional support if you feel you need it.

TOM-RO · ‎11-15-2021

Hey @nobtiba , Thank you for reaching out. It sounds like you’re feeling concerned about certain traits and characteristics of your son. In reading about the things you’ve raised, I wanted to reflect back with you and want to ask what you think. It sounds like your son is going through a range of emotional presentations. It can be a normal part as they learn to adapt their behaviours. Do you feel like as they grow that they might fine-tune a bit better? I’m sorry to hear that it feels like the schools comes to you for support. I know you feel that they should have more of the answers, but management of behaviours and emotions of a 7-year-old aren’t very simple. What kind of strategies have you found have worked for rewarding good behaviour? Around what you can do, in the most simplistic terms, it can be important to consider your responses to when they do things you don’t feel are appropriate. There’s psychology involved around something called operant conditioning, in that we observe a behaviour, and we respond to it, either positively or negatively. For example, if they do something you don’t approve of, what do you do? Do you punish and take away a privilege (called negative punishment)? How do they respond to you? Do they go to their room yelling at you or are they silent? It can help to be reflective on what their experience is like when you approve/disapprove of a behaviour. In responding to you, I found a super helpful article that might shed some light into your son’s behaviour. Feel free to have a look. If you’re still finding things are really complex, there’s avenues of getting professional support through things like psychologists or family therapists. Around finding friends on a medium like Zoom, I’m not too sure myself as to what kind of things exist for that age-bracket, so I hope someone else can chip in and support you there. It can be a really challenging time trying to reinforce the right behaviours, but be patient both with yourself and your son. We’re trying to maintain their trust in us. There’s still lots of time to figure things out.

TOM-RO · ‎11-15-2021

Hey @kidzonia , I just wanted to give you a heads-up that I've edited your post to keep it anonymous an de-identifiable. Hope that's okay! I appreciate you taking the time to write that all out. Reading your last part, I can imagine there's an almost cathartic feeling in at least sharing what's going on for you and holding the space with others. It sounds like you've been doing a really hard role in being a single mum and going through your early adulthood juggling all the responsibilities associated with it (still are, too). I hear what you are saying regarding the challenges you see in your son since you've moved back to Aus. It's really hard for kids to be at the precipice of establishing themselves as they enter their teens and finding a sense of identity, only for them to pack up their bags and start fresh. I'm sorry to hear that you feel your relationship dynamic with your son has changed since moving. I'm sure just like you, they are juggling a lot of things. The guilt you write of, I want to validate and say that it really sounds like you are trying your absolute best. I hope that as things return to the "new post-COVID normal", things can feel a little less tense. Regarding not feeling sure if your son has made friends, it can be really, really, really (and many more really's) difficult to connect as a brand new person with classmates when all they really have to communicate is a webcam and a lot of the time being muted while in class. I hope that in return to physical classes, they can slowly find their feet. Please don't be so hard on yourself for having all these responsibilities that you're trying to appropriately prioritise. There's only so much mental and physical energy we have. When we give ourselves permission to wallow in all the things not going right, it can feel suffocating. In saying that I want to ask, is there anything you feel is going right/better for you? Regarding input with connecting with your son, you mentioned playing Minecraft with them while in London. Do you feel you can still connect with them via videogames/their hobbies? We can only pry so much from our kids, and sometimes we have to be patient both with ourselves and our kids as we go through the challenges. I don't much more input, so I hope others can chime in, but I wanted to pass along Parentline as a resource. It may be helpful to get some professional support. You never know what may help! I wish you all the best. Keep us updated on how things are going.

TOM-RO · ‎11-13-2021

Hey @Johno1112 , I appreciate you posting about your concerns. What you mentioned sounds like it's leaving you feeling uncertain as to how to communicate with your kids involving the changes they experience as they enter and go through puberty. I can't say I know exactly what to say, but the most important think is to keep the conversations going. Your kids seem open to talking to you about their concerns, which is a positive reflection of you feeling like a safe space for them. There are so many resources online, which I've identified a really helpful one here, and a link here to the relevant Parentsline number to speak with a professional, if you need. It may be helpful to have a conversation with your kids around where they are getting these ideas from. If they're exposed to social media, they may be influenced and have their expectations around their body appearance be challenges in a negative way, with a need to have certain characteristics. There's nothing wrong with kids using social media, but it may be helpful to have a conversation about what is normal as they go through puberty. Do you have any supports, for example, family or friends who you can reach out to? Sometimes it can help reflect on what was your experience if you were asking those types of questions when you were younger? What helped with reassuring you as you went through that time in your life? Let us know how you're going!

TOM-RO · ‎11-13-2021

Hey @Birdwings , I can definitely understand the interest to generate a discussion around this. I can imagine there can definitely feel a culmination of all the various stressors throughout lockdowns and how it can impact mental health. Fingers crossed that the NDIS have received that feedback and are able to action it. I've been doing a lot of reading around "re-entering" into the new "post-COVID19 norm" since I am also experiencing re-entry anxiety to a degree. In reading you mention the rewiring of the neural pathways, I also imagine it'll take some time to rewire to slowly feel more comfortable with re-adapting. We are all impacted different, some in more complex ways than others. We had to learn to find new ways to cope, which means we dedicated resources to self-preservation. On the flip-side, we weren't practicing our interpersonal communication as much, so regarding what you said around people struggling to converse, it makes sense. What do you think? I'm glad to hear you have some professional support that you're working on things with. It's a slow and sometimes difficult road, but I hope you're feeling well supported in these times.

TOM-RO · ‎11-10-2021

Hey @CaringPartner07 , I appreciate you taking the time to write this out, especially because you as their partner can see the challenges that they are experiencing, and you yourself are feeling concerned for how it's impacting your partner and watching them struggle to see their son more frequently would be pretty hard. It sounds like your partner really makes the effort, time and commitment to spend the most amount of time with their son that they can. You're right, it can feel so heartbreaking with how much resources they dedicate to spending more time, that they're still meeting so much resistance. From what you've mentioned around what else your partner can do, changing the hours of the parenting plan is the way to go about it, and if you know they'll refuse to sign off, then court is an option. Naturally, court is a time-consuming and expensive process, so it can be hard to decide where to "draw the line" regarding maintaining a peaceful co-existence, or trying to challenge the parenting plan. Regarding how their ex-partner is responding, what their intentions are, we'd be guessing. Is it controlling? No idea. What it sounds like though is that they value their time with their son and seems to have established their recreation time with certain timeframes in mind. I do want to validate that from what you've written, your partner seems to respond amicably and professionally in conduct with their ex, and I'm glad at times their ex is willing to give in at times and let your partner see their son more. I hope what I've written is helpful. Unfortunately there's no 'secret backdoor law' to make things happen. What's important is - like you said - that the child's environment fosters healthy relationships between both parents. I wish you and your partner all the best.

TOM-RO · ‎11-08-2021

Hi @Evelyn , That sounds like it's a really mentally exhausting, and time-intensive for you to navigate, especially as a single-parent. I can recognise it's really difficult to constantly be on the beck-and-call of what's going on with your daughter. Do you have any support from family or friends to help you manage? I can't imagine that it's an easy task for you, especially with having a 6-year-old as well. It can be hard to find strategies on convincing your daughter to go to school; I can imagine you've tried all the ways you can think of. One resource I can suggest is getting in touch with Parentline if you're after professional counselling in the meantime. I know I haven't been of much help, but I just wanted to pop in and validate how difficult it sounds like it is. I assume that if they're being medicated, that they themselves are linked in with at least a GP or psychiatrist? Hope you're managing.

TOM-RO · ‎11-04-2021

Hey @Imoverwhelmed , That sounds really overwhelming. I'm glad you're reaching out. I just wanted to flag on this thread just in case you didn't see, but we responded to you on a different thread here. We invite you to keep us updated on how you're going.

TOM-RO · ‎10-25-2021

Hey @HumanBeing , Firstly, I want to thank you for sharing so clearly what is going on for you. It sounds like a really complex situation at the moment, and I can hear your frustration around not wanting the dynamic to remain the way it is. The strain you are experiencing is completely normal, and it can definitely be so mentally taxing to juggle to expectations of your relationship, expectations of your partner's kids, and your roles and responsibilities as a parent. It's okay to have to assert boundaries at some point. Like you've identified, sometimes, a situation is unsustainable. It sounds like you've been trying to make compromises where possible, but are also identifying that you don't want your child growing up and learning from what's going on. There was a really helpful response written by Linda here around someone else having issues with their step-son, and although not all of it would be helpful for your situation, Linda writes some incredibly good reflections that I think you might find useful. Please let us know how you're going. Hope you're holding up well.

TOM-RO · ‎10-16-2021

Hi @Fambam83 , Oh wow. That sounds like a really intense relationship that I can imagine is emotionally and mentally exhausting. I can also understand how difficult it would be trying to manage their expectations of you as a parent, while trying to still assert proper boundaries. You wrote you've been dealing with this for the past 2-3 years. That's a long time. Do you feel it's changes through adolescents or has her attitude been getting worse? I'm curious as well, have you sought professional support for yourself through resources such as ParentLine? They're pretty great professional counsellors who can definitely have a conversation with you for this issue. I'm really sorry to hear that it's really impacting you so strongly. You writing that you're struggling to cope, I can imagine you feel your resources and capacity for managing are at a a low point. Do you have anyone that you can talk to about what's going on? Friends/family? Sending you all the best support I can. It sounds like a really rough time!

TOM-RO · ‎10-16-2021

Hi @Supportivemama , Firstly, it's so incredible to hear that you're supportive. It can definitely be a really confusing time as kids go into puberty and really start to explore all there is. I want to highlight how wonderful it is that your son felt comfortable in telling you. It means they have so much trust, and that's a testament to you being a great mother. Secondly, I can't speak from personal experience around dealing with the circumstance, but I'm curious, what kind of questions do you feel are in your headspace? Raising children, as I'm sure you know, is a very fluid process, and there's no objectively right way in parenting. But it can definitely feel confusing. Have you and their dad talked about it? Sounds like quite a journey, but I'm sure you'll show love every step of the way.

TOM-RO · ‎10-16-2021

Hi @Termitex2000 ! I'm very sorry to hear about the way this is being managed. Based on what you're telling me, its not surprising that you're feeling completely alienated. Regarding what your daughter wants - it sounds like a complex interpretation. On the one hand, a 9 year old isn't exactly in a position to truly know what's best for herself. I'm sure if you let her choose her dinner every night she would wake up with diabetes. On the other hand though, completely disregarding how she feels will do you a dis-service in the long run. From where i stand, it seems there is no clear cut right or wrong answer, and ultimately its up to you to decide if you want to challenge this... I would definitely encourage you to follow the appropriate legal course if you wish to challenge it. Legally speaking it sounds like she's in the wrong (i.e. breaking the orders) - however i think regardless it will be important for you to get some legal advice. And regarding making a decision herein, I think developing an accurate understanding of WHY your daughter doesn't want to sleep over will help most in legitimizing your decision. I hope you manage to figure it out. Let us know how things evolve, and be sure to reach out if you yourself are struggling with your metal health.

TOM-RO · ‎10-11-2021

Hi Lillyflower4, Oh wow. I can understand why you'd be feeling worried about your daughter in the hospital. I hope you have the capacity to see them and have some familly/friend support. It can definitely be a rough time trying to manage all the stressors with the situation. What's helping you cope to get through? Sending you all the positivity that I can!

TOM-RO · ‎08-26-2021

Hello @Birdwings and welcome to this section of the forum @EndoLife1 These lockdowns are having a profound impact on our mental health and that of our children. I am sorry to hear about your son @Birdwings it is really good that he sat dow with you to talk about it. All these tips are incredibly valuable. Finding ways to bring routine back into our days which are now very often feeling chaotic, can be really helpful and grounding. Parents are putting a lot of pressure on themselves to be there for their children during this time but it is a very hard job to be there for our families and ourselves and for a lot of people, their work too! It is great to hear you have such good coping strategies. I hope this can be a place where we discuss more

TOM-RO · ‎08-13-2021

Hi Ilovemykids4, thanks for posting on ReachOut forums tonight. Reachout primarily provides resources related to mental health, however, what type of health concerns are you referring too? we might be able to point you in the right direction.

TOM-RO · ‎08-12-2021

Hi @Annalo welcome to ReachOut, thank you for sharing and reaching out to us. I am sorry to hear that you and your family are going through such a difficult time right now, I can really hear how hard you've been trying. It can be so hard when kids direct their anger at their parents. We have no idea where it's coming from, and sometimes they're not sure either. I'm wondering if you have tried any Counselling support or chatting with a psychologist for your son? While all this is happening, I am also wondering if you have been doing anything to take care of yourself? Such as self-care, talking to someone close to you or speaking with a professional? It's important to take care of yourself during difficult times. Helplines such as Parentline can be great places to start, what do you think?

TOM-RO · ‎07-10-2021

Hi @Jojo_123 , It sounds like you are doing an excellent job as a parent. As you pointed out, until they are comfortable with opening up, all you can do is support them for a distance and reassure them that you love them and are their for them. I feel it is important to recognise that transition and exploration of identity is a crucial part of a teenagers development, some teenagers approach this from a young age, some closer to their 20s. Rebellion is hardwired in us as a way of forging an independent self as an adult. In some way, they will need to find their own way of approaching this before introducing you to this idea of self that they have developed. So when you feel that they are pulling away, I feel it can be an important reminder that this is part of the process, as much as it can hurt at the time. In terms of the self-harm, I think you've done a great job with letting her know that she can speak to you if she is feeling overwhelmed. Perhaps expanding the conversation a little such as, "Who else are you comfortable with speaking to if you are feeling sad or overwhelmed?" A robust safety plan contains multiple contacts so the person is in distress can always reach someone if someone else is unavailable.

TOM-RO · ‎07-02-2021

Hi @In-the-village Thank you for introducing yourself and welcome to the forums! I really love how much you value quality time with your kids and how you try to find the joy in each day. Gratitude really does make a huge difference in our lives and can be the simplest thing to incorporate into your life on a daily basis. I also really value and appreciate your parenting tip so thank you

TOM-RO · ‎06-29-2021

Hi @maybe I am so sorry to hear about everything you are going through with your daughter, I understand you feeling so down and lost and I hope that we can help you feel very welcome and supported here. It was very proactive of you to try and get your daughter into therapy, do you think she might be interested in accessing support for herself autonomously online? Services like eheadspace or kidshelpline offer phone and webchat based counselling if she wanted to get some support, she is also welcome to join our youth forum if you think she might benefit from chatting to some like-minded young people. Could it maybe be an idea to have a chat to her school? Sometimes wellbeing staff are able to provide some extra support or referrals which can be helpful. Is this something you might be interested in trying? You sound like a strong support for your daughter in a really difficult time, and I'm hearing that you've been under a lot of stress - do you have much support for yourself? We are always here to talk or vent, or I'm also happy to look for other professional support services that might be a good fit for you if you think that would help. I hope this is helpful, let us know how you're going.

TOM-RO · ‎06-22-2021

Hi @Me102 I'm sorry to hear that you feel distant from your kids, I can imagine how difficult that must be for you. I can see that you have already listed some great ideas so far. I love the movie idea, what a great way to settle down for the night! We have had members post to the forums in similar positions before, so you are definitely not alone in this. We have a large number of forum posts that might also have some helpful suggestions. For example, this Post has a number of activities to do on school holidays. Let us know how you go.

TOM-RO · ‎06-18-2021

Hello @anitarobins We really appreciate you posting these helpful tips for parents. It's always important for everyone to read the most updated guidelines around safety of car seats for children.

TOM-RO · ‎06-16-2021

Thank you for flagging that, the post has been removed.

TOM-RO · ‎06-11-2021

Hi @ladybates , That’s a difficult situation you’re in with a couple sticky obstacles in the way of open communication as you’ve identified. I want to first acknowledge your excellent self-awareness and ability to recognise the verity of options of how to approach this. Navigating mixed family situations is always tricky! My gut feeling is that sharing drinks is very common within her family, some people may view it as a sign of intimacy or closeness with other family members. As you’ve pointed out, everyone was brought up differently so we could almost view this as different family “cultures” of interaction, and when two different cultures interact, there is bound to be some friction. I would say checking in with your husband isn’t a bad idea, if maybe to get his perspective on the situation or advice as to how approach his mother in the future. I feel if she is as sensitive as you describe her, regardless of how you approach it she may take it differently than you intended to. So it may be worth asking yourself, how much this matters to you and if you are able to let go of some of your feelings if you aren’t able to bring it up to her in future?

TOM-RO · ‎06-10-2021

Hi Soccermum, The best person to speak to about fitness for your child, if you are concerned about the effects of weightlifting on a growing skeletal system, would be your GP or Pediatrician . Otherwise, enrolling your child with a personal trainer who is familiar with teaching adolescents would be a good option. For more general information on weight training with teenagers I found this resource online that may help: https://www.stanfordchildrens.org/en/topic/default?id=weight-training-for-teens-1-2381

TOM-RO · ‎06-08-2021

Hi Peaceful, Welcome to the forum. I am glad that you've joined and are looking for more support. It sounds like you are having difficulties with your kids and are struggling but have a really positive attitude about it all. If you do want to share more about your situation, please feel welcome to create your own thread by clicking 'Start a topic' in the top right hand corner.

TOM-RO · ‎06-06-2021

Hi Chris15, I am sorry to hear that you're having a tough time with your 14 year old. It sounds like they are quite angry and frustrated at the moment and this is creating a very hostile environment within the home. Would you be able to share a bit more detail as to what your situation is like? When did this behavior start occurring? What supports do you have at the moment? Are you concerned for you or your child's well-being? In the meantime, some basic tips on how to approach an angry tip might give you a starting point, you can find some here.

TOM-RO · ‎06-05-2021

Dear @mariadavis Thank you for raising this topic. An outpatient program in a virtual setting sounds like a great idea, especially with the current COVID situation. It's good that you're really considering whether it's suitable for you or not. It might be worth talking to your GP or therapist to determine whether it best suits your needs. Please do let us know what you end up deciding, and if you do decide to do the program, let us know how it went! Just so you're aware, I've removed the link you shared. Sharing links, especially to particular services, is against our guidelines. Please feel free to read more about our guidelines here.

TOM-RO · ‎06-05-2021

Dear @Juffie Thanks so much for your post. I'm sure it's a topic that many parents can benefit from reading about. We actually have an article that might be worth reading on blended families and teenagers here. Relationship's Australia also has a tip sheet for blended families here. Relationships Australia can also provide counselling to couples and families. Stepfamilies Australia is another great resource - see their webpage here. They have a range of courses, tip sheets, and recommended books. They also have a 'find a professional' page. You might also want to register with our free, one-on-one support service, which you can find out more about here. It is also worth knowing about the following two, confidential, free, anonymous helplines: Family Relationship Advice Line - 1800 050 321 (find out more about it here) Parentline - their number differs depending what state you're calling from, see here. It sounds like you are concerned about your daughter feeling uncomfortable and shy, which is completely understandable. It might be a good idea to set some ground rules - e.g., no internet after 8pm. It's good that you meet for dinner, and I'd encourage you to continue doing this. It might be helpful to play family games, like uno or monopoly, or to have movie nights. Another idea is to play a game where it's the parents vs. the kids (or parents + 1 boy vs. your daughter + 1 boy), so that the kids are forced to bond but in a fun way. We know that having a common enemy brings people closer, so if you parents are the 'enemy' in the game (i.e., the people they are competing against), then it might help bring them closer together. Please do have a look at the resources I've shared with you, and let us know how you go. It might be worth trying the tips shared in these resources, and if you're still having problems, then stepping up to professional support.

TOM-RO · ‎06-05-2021

Dear @Jazzabelle Thank you for your post. It is never nice to see our children going through a separation, especially when there are young kids involved. In terms of how to help, just being there for your son and his family can go a long way. By being there, this could include offering a shoulder to cry on, listening, offering words of encouragement, offering to help out with the kids. We have an article on separation that might be helpful for you to read here. Please keep us updated with how things go.

Date Registered	‎05-09-2016 02:16 PM
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About TOM-RO

About TOM-RO

About TOM-RO

Re: Teenage child self harming

Re: 12 yr old bedtime

Re: How to help my son

Re: WFH Single Still-In-College Mom

Re: My kids need help

Re: HSC Stress post Sydney lockdown

Re: HELP/ADVICE.... Partner's Ex always says no fo...

Re: Naughty 13 year old girl

Re: My 15yr old self harming and depressed

Re: 16yo Stepson Disengaged

Re: Teen to parent abuse

Re: 11 year old son has told me his bisexual

Re: After not seeing my 9 yo daughter for 4 months...

Re: tired and upset

Re: Join us for a (virtual) coffee!

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Re: Gender questioning

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Re: Creating some bonding time

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Re: New member? Introduce yourself here!

Re: Grandma Sharing Drink with Son

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