Hi @Sallyanne   Firstly, welcome to the Parents Forum. It sounds like you're juggling quite a lot and have some real concerns. I gather you must be feeling like the weight of it all  is on your shoulers to deal with your son.   I would wonder if it would be worth have a bit more of a detailed discussion with your husband about these concerns. I realsie that you have outlined he has been fairly hands off and it might be hard to communicate. If possible, it would be ideal to attempt to get on the same page to at least have your concerns heard. From there, maybe a plan could grow. If you have more of an idea about what exactly you would like to see from him to help, then that could be a start. So what does discapline look like for example and how can you both agree on what that might be.    As for your son, it does sound concerning and a bit of a chat about values, career and consequnces of criminal behaviour would be worth having. This would be very tough because of the emotions involved. I know it's asking the impossible, but try and park the strong emotions you are naturally feeling. The goal at this stage if for him to keep an open line of communication with you. He is likely going to shut down and hide more from you if he feels like he's going to get in even more trouble. Listening doesn't have to mean you are agreeing with his choices. Maybe have a chat to him about why you felt so strong and get him to maybe empathise a bit with why it's only natural that you would be so upset. Then attempt to understand his logic.    Talking about rules, logic and consequential thinking is the goal BUT not until the relationship is repaired. Please know you have our support and no doubt others will share their thoughts and experiences so I'm really glad you were able to take the time to share with us. Don't forget about you in all of this and get some respite by talking to some trusted friends or simply taking some time out where you don't have to be thinking about all of this.    Good luck and keep us posted,   Kylie RO     ... View more

Hi @Marklin, sounds like this has been quite an uncomfortable time for you. Understandably, these topics are really hard to face when it comes to our own children. Ultimately, there is no harm in confirming with the girlfriend's parents about what the arrangements are. This is particularly important if it is going to provide some comfort and reassurance that your son is in good hands. As @Zoesplace has mentioned, it is important to consider legality surrounding age of consent. Also as mentioned, stopping them from sharing a bed won't necessarily prevent sex. This might be a worthwhile consideration in case you decide to talk to your son, his girlfriend and her parents about this. Good luck and let us know how you go! ... View more

Hi @123ooo and a big welcome to the forums. Sounds like a really intense and painful situation for the mother and the teenager and things are really escalating. I hear how serious this whole situation is. Can I ask if you are a friend to the mother? I can hear you really care about her.  I can imagine the mother must be feeling completely exhausted and overwhelmed having to manage her daughter, work, provide, protect as well as look after herself. Do you think the mother would be open to trying the online coaching available through reachout? The hard part in these situations is sometimes the child/teenager is not in a place or is not willing to access support so the best thing a parent can do is focus on making sure they have their own supports in place so they can try different strategies and approaches. I’ve attached the link here if you would like to pass it on to the mother. Another great service is Parentline on 1300 30 1300. The mother can talk about the specifics of the situation and get some support around the issues she is dealing with.  The fact that the teenager has withdrawn and is blocking the world out shows that she is struggling and is hurting too and in the storm of this all- it's important to remember that as hard as that can be. Acknowledging someone else’s pain can help us to manage our own feelings.  I’ll tag some users in the forum who might be able to jump in and share their thoughts and experiences @Sister @taokat @sunflowermom  ... View more

Hi @td2018   Thanks for posting. First I just want to say that I really do feel for you and your family. This is such a hard situation almsot like you're walking on eggshels to try and find the right action and figure this out. What you've done so far is absolutely wonderful because you've gotten as much support as you can on deck. Now like you say, you're in limbo waiting for the next steps. It's very tricky but I understand what you're saying that for now, it's a case of picking your battles carefully. In saying that, it's ok to have boundaries where you feel there needs to be. This is a lot easier said than done, but try to be aware if you're being emotionally manipulated and it's really ok to be firm. It's a tough balance to be supportive but also have rules that cannot be broken (for everyones safety).    As far as managing yourselves as a family this is also a tough one. I would say this: as long as your son can agree to keep safe and you have a safety plan with him then try to step back and give yourselves some breathing space. Try to share the load and again, if you feel manipulated, be aware and step back from this. This is just a few ideas but it's not exhaustive....you will get more ideas and support here so keep us in the loop. Do take care! ... View more

Hi @iloveyoueva Thanks for posting. This must be really difficult to navigate especially now that, as you say, you know more about what's going on for your daughter. The issue now of course is how to move forward. The first thing I would be thinking is how safe is your daughter in terms of ab actual plan to take her life or is it ideation without intention. It sounds like it is ideation without intention but for your piece of mind it won't hurt to check in with her now and again to see if she's feeling safe. You should have had some advice around this from the health care professionals (?).   In terms of rules that's a tricky one. Maybe it would be good to think about some non negotiables to begin with (such as curphews and drug taking etc) whatever it is that you believe are lines that should not be crossed. Then you can talk more about what rules (and rewards?) can be created together. I think this could be a good exersice to communicate openly about what are your shared expectations. She may have some ideas on what good rules for herself are and where you can affort to give a little bit of freedom (where she has earned it). She may need a bit of prompting to open up with you starting the dialogue if she's closed off. When doing this I would suggest to try and not make it a big stressful task but try and do it casually maybe while having some snacks and a tea/coffee/softdrink!    In any care it sounds like you're processing some pretty heavy new information that you've learned about your daughter, so you might need to think about allowing yourself some time and space to let this settle a bit. I'm really glad you've posted here for this reason because you will get some new ideas and support around this. I can hear how worried you are and how much you care which I really respect. Just don't forget about yourself in all this too. ... View more

Hi @Jo-Anne   Thanks for sharing and I hope you get some insight from the community on these issues which really sound confronting. I’m so sorry to hear that she has been putting you down and blaming you for all of this. I don’t want you to feel alone and again this is why I’m glad you’ve shared this.   With regards to the self-harming I actually think it’s worth building a relationship with your daughter’s psychologist to work together to perhaps have a safety plan? This might include ideas around harm minimisation etc. so having ways to relive distress, that are less likely to cause physical damage which may even happen accidentally. As far as her friend it’s really hard to stop friendships, but you can look into having rules and boundaries around when they see each other and having parental supervision where possible. The old saying sticks here, which is “pick your battles”. Really her safety and well being are compromised and that would come first before other issues I would say. This is also true for you and I know it's really hard. It sounds like you need some support to feel empowered to enforce boundaries with your daughter and to actually have capacity to look after yourself throughout this. I'm not sure if you have a counsellor yourself or could arrange this?    Also just a reminder and at risk of sounding repetitive, (it’s just small point to address) we have to keep specifics of self-harming out of posts. I know the guidelines were posted earlier but I’ll pop them here again anyway. ... View more

Hi @Moonlight how did you find the Psychologist? Would you consider going more regularly during this period with your Daughter? ... View more

Hi @specialneedsdad welcome to the RO community! We're glad you're hear and sharing your story with us (please note I did edit your post - I removed your identifying details - for more info please see our forum guidelines here).   We'd love to know a little more about about you - if you're up for it, here's some Qs for you: 1. What's your number one way to relax? 2. What was the worst and then the best parenting advice you've got? 3. Do you have a random fact that you could share with us? ... View more

Hi @Soundbite please don't think it's ridiculous, if it's worrying you and you feel you need some support in how to deal with it then it's important.   I wonder if it's worth having a general conversation with your son about the relationship and even what does he think a good relationship "looks like" (friendship, trust, respect, compassion, good communication etc)?    That way you may be able to gauge he's social and emotional development; see if he's feeling any pressure or has any questions. ... View more

I'm really glad you've all been supporting each other @sunflowermom @Jakehelp @Moonlight.   I think sometimes when we're caring for others we can forget that we also need to take care of ourselves because:     so just make sure you are putting some self-care strategies into your every day and seeking professional mental health support when you need it  ... View more

Hey @reallyhartbreak and a big welcome to the forums. This sounds an extremely complicated situation with lots of adults and children involved. It seems like there are like of complex dynamics here and a lot of unknowns as well. I think when you asked about not reporting the bully or removing the child from the school- I find in these situations that there is a lot that happens that go into people making a decision that we might not know about. Does your friend or her child have support? as this would be a very overwhelming situation for everyone involved. Also I’ll tag some other members who might be able to offer some support @taokat @Zoesplace @Chalke5 ... View more

Hi @Tardis and a big welcome to the forums. Thank you for opening up and sharing your story with everyone. What comes across so clearly is the love, care and concern you have your son. It sounds like you have been so patient in supporting him. While your son is obviously intelligent and academically gifted, part of me was wondering if your son can actually see how much his anxiety is impacting his life? Does he recognise that it’s anxiety? Is he willing to learn other ways to manage his stress, thoughts, worries? It must be really difficult for him to be completely consumed by the fear that something could go wrong. Can I ask what’s his biggest fear about therapy? It sounds like his experiences in the past have really caused him to doubt the process.   I was also wondering what support you have for yourself as I can imagine that this would take a huge toll on your own wellbeing- it sounds really exhausting. I found an article on coping strategies (around part 9) that you might find useful. What stood out to me was the sentence about “They are not choosing to feel anxious, and they are trying to make sense of their anxiety and cope with it as best they know how”. I’m sure you already know this but sometimes reminding ourselves of that can be helpful for us in terms of managing our own emotions. I'll tag some members who might be able to offer you some guidance and support   @Chalke5 @taokat @Zoesplace ... View more

Hey @Hudson44 and a big welcome to the forum. Sounds like you're going through a lot- we would be keen for you to start a thread here so the community can support you    ... View more

Hi @HelpMe, it sounds like you're really struggling to cope at the moment, which isn't helped by the lack of understanding from your family.  It sounds like you could really do with some support to manage your situation and your distress, such as a counsellor or psychologist.  You would not necessarily need to pay the $170 you mentioned as you can ask your GP for a referral under a mental health care plan, which would give you subsidised sessions.   As ReachOut is a forum for adolescents and parents of adolescents, I would like to refer you to another support forum which is for all ages.  These forums are run by SANE Australia and can be accessed via the following link: https://www.saneforums.org/?gclid=EAIaIQobChMIkt2vpKaw2AIVhAsrCh3X1gvaEAAYASABEgKVN_D_BwE   You might also benefit from contacting a helpline like the Suicide Call Back Service, which operates 24/7 (1300 659 467).  If you are at immediate risk of harm we strongly encourage you to contact 000 or present to your nearest hospital.   P.S. I have edited your name out of the post as anonymity is one of our Community Guidelines. ... View more

Hi @Worrisome, it sounds like you have some genuine concerns about the amount of time your daughter is spending on her own and how this might be impacting her mental health.  I'm wondering whether you have had the opportunity to hear your daughter's take on this? Often, particularly as parents, we make assumptions about what might or might not be a problem for our child but it is important to hear their side of the story, without offering solutions (at least initially).  If your daughter agrees that her social anxiety and the time she spends alone are causing her distress, perhaps you could explore support options such as seeing a counsellor or psychologist (if you haven't already). The best treatment for social anxiety is gradual exposure to social situations, so you're probably correct in your thinking that she would benefit from more social contact, however, this is best facilitated with the help of a psychologist or counsellor.  I'm hoping some of the other parents on the forum will be able to give you some tips as well. ... View more

@Sandavnickat Sounds like you've done as much as you can do at this stage. That's really tough not knowing where he is. I can't even begin to imagine how distressing that would feel. Hopefully he is safe and well and with friends. If you don't hear anything it's definitely a good idea to liaise with police who might even be able to track his device to locate him (?). Good luck - again keep us posted (if you can) ... View more

@Sandavnickat That sounds very unsettling! I'm so sorry to hear this has happened. I have a few ideas. First, on messenger it can give an indication of when the person was last "active" online. You could check that. I would actually call the police for advice, maybe they can do a welfare check if you happen to know the details of the friend etc? They may be able to investigate further. Finally of course, try and contact anyone he knows to see if they have heard from him. Let us know how you go.  ... View more

Wow what a beautiful post @Shikadesfarm thanks for all your support to everyone in the forum. Reading through- you've made some wonderful suggestions that I'm sure everyone is really thankful for. Loved what you wrote about doing something different to build relationships- great ideas. Have a wonderful Christmas and New Year with the family. I'm sure you'll create long-lasting, special memories on your trip ... View more

Hey @Beani Welcome to the forum  Thanks for sharing your concerns about your daughter- I can hear she means a lot to you and you’re doing so much to support her. I’m sure others parents will jump in soon to share their experiences as it’s quite common for a teenager to experience anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts and self-harm. Sounds like she’s struggling with purpose and meaning in her life and perhaps she pulls away from connecting with you to protect you. Are there things in her life other than online gaming and school that give her life value? I’m sure she’s probably going through a really vulnerable time finishing school now and you’re right- she probably does feel quite lost and confused. I’m sure you’ve probably already done this but sometimes letting your child know you are there for them and if she makes the choice to reach out and talk- that you will be there to listen without judgement. She might also benefit from reaching out to services like Kids Help Line, Suicide Call Back Service or eHeadspace who have online and phone counselling when she feels unsafe? It’s a really tough one wanting to set boundaries with your child but also having to take into consideration their mental health- can feel like you’re walking on egg shells. I read this article which discusses boundary setting- it's simple yet to the point. Let me know what you think https://www.sane.org/the-sane-blog/caring-for-others/boundary-setting-and-mental-illness  ... View more

We look forward to seeing you on if you do make it, and wishing you are looking after yourself if you don't feel up to it. Either way is OK =) - mod Sally ... View more

Hi @KITSMITH Welcome to Reach Out Parents Forum and thanks for your post. This sounds like a very tense and tricky situation. I would wonder if your sister has had some trauma in her background because of her erratic behaviour. It does sound very difficult and extreme. Some professional support around this would be ideal, is your family involved with any organisation for support and who can you talk to about this?  ... View more

Hi @Squidgy11   Sounds like you're dealing with a difficult situation at the moment. Would it help to share a little more about the specifics of what's going on for you in regard to a child seemingly unable to accept responsibility for their own behaviour? It might help other RO parents to know how to respond or to be able to offer insight from their own experiences.    Gen - R/O ... View more

Hey @Mamarose thank you so much for opening up and sharing your honest experiences. You sound like such an amazing mother who would do anything to understand and support your son. I'm sure everyone here will appreciate your post- I look forward to the responses :)  ... View more

Hey there @Beingme2017 thanks for your post, you're daughter is lucky to have such a concerned mum =) It sounds like you have some hesitations about voicing where your boundaries ("rules") in your home are? ... View more

Hey @taokat, it sounds like you really do have your daughter's best interest at heart. It's also important to know, in my view, that as she gets older she will appreciate your support more and more, and the relationship she has with you I do not doubt will be a wonderful pillar for her to grow into a fabulous young woman. As someone who had a father show no interest in me from five years of age, I can definitely relate to what your daughter went through. Unfortunately my mother was not a decent support, but I was lucky enough to have a wonderful grandmother who helped guide me through the process.  Much like yourself, she was quite stuck with what to say around the topic of my father, but as young women we grow and we observe and it becomes clearer and clearer that the issue doesn't lie within ourselves but in fact with the father in question.   You are doing a marvelous job. I am wondering if you and your daughter have tried family counselling together? Or if she would be open to it? On the subject of what more you can do about him, I am not entirely sure but your local legal aid could be a great start, a lot of free legal services that can give basic information on the easiest next steps :)    Look forward to hearing from you again, - Bree / RO ... View more

My goodness @Defiant you sound absolutely amazing, I would be so happy to have a supportive parent like yourself as an adolescent. Big kudos to you as I am sure it's quite a lot of info. I just noticed QLife have this quick resource [here]. There's also a Family pan-flit on the website too. I definitely think they'll be a great strarting point for which steps to take.   What does he want to do? Does he want to sit with it now, or is he ready to talk to a professional? Look forward to hearing from you. ... View more

Hey @Defiant firstly you already are an incredibly supportive and amazing parent - AMAZING. I do hope the forum provides all the info it can on this journey with you and your teenager. Are you aware of this amazing relatively new resource QLife [click here]. I think they are still open now and you could  have a chat with them about how to continue supporting your adolescent through this journey. How are you feeling at the moment about it? Look forward to hearing from you :)  ... View more

I agree with you @taokat it's a very confronting situation absolutely... And the idea about looking at photos what a great tip for the community :) Thank you. ... View more