14 year old boy has run off the rails - needing suppport

[Orbit64]

Hi, I'm the dad of two teenagers. A 17 year old daughter who is completing year 12 and doing really well. The other is a 14 year old boy who has run off the rails in a most spectacular way. In the last 6 weeks we have experienced as a family the most traumatic turn of events due to the behaviour of our son.

School expulsion

violent and aggressive behaviour at home. 

Running away

drug use

continuous and horrible behaviour in the home 

My wife and I find ourselves in a place we never anticipated with a child. The best description I can apply is the feeling that I have reached the bottom of my toolbox in dealing with the behaviour of our son. We are running out of tools to deal with him and cope ourselves. We both recognize we need help to cope individually, as a partner to support each other and as a parent to both children. One child that is a dream, the other that has turned into a nightmare. 

[taokat]

Welcome to the forum @Orbit64. Thank you for sharing your situation with us. There are many parents here who will relate to your circumstances, and I'm sure you'll receive lots of support. I hope that you don't mind that I've moved your post - I didn't want it getting lost in the introduction section.

I am one of those parents! I have a 15 year old daughter who has settled very much now, but we had years of very violent and aggressive behaviour. I completely understand that feeling of having nothing left to try and feeling like you are at your wits end. 

The first thing I'll recommend is our parent coaching. I have taken part and was given some new tools to add to my tool box - and things I could use immediately. It's free, and tailored to suit the issues you are wanting help with. It's done on the computer and over the phone, and is very flexible. Check out the link here to find out more.

This thread is dealing with the topic of anger and aggression in teens. This is also a great thread on communication, which is something that really helped with my daughter. 

We're glad to see you here.

[Ngaio-RO]

Hi @Orbit64 Welcome to ReachOut Parents!! Well done on coming here and giving it a go. It can be so hard to try new things when you feel utterly depleted, it often feels like nothing will work. 

I'm so sorry to hear how hard things are for you and your family at the moment. It sounds like everyone, including your son, is suffering at the moment. That's such a hard situation for you all to be in. So please take a moment to acknowledge yourself for coming here, looking for answers. You sound like such a committed and loving father.

I agree with Taokat that coaching is a great first step. It's something you can do as soon as you're ready that will provide you with practical steps you can start using straight away.  It's not an instant fix but it is a great way to respond to what's happening right now. Here's the link again, if that helps.

It can often be tricky to navigate the sibling landscape when there's two and one is consistently 'good'. Some parents use it as leverage and create all sorts of issues, but unfortunately, parents that wouldn't dream of doing that and work to always appear as fair and egalitarian as possible will still end up hearing the same words 'You always compare me to them!' There seems to be this innate response in younger siblings to look for a space not occupied by their elder brother or sister. If they're naughty, the younger will become a paragon of virtue and if they're good then it's not uncommon for the younger sibling to gravitate towards 'naughtiness'. 

Does this fit with your family?

[Beingme2017]

Hi @Orbit64 thanks for sharing your situation - it certainly sounds like your whole family are experiencing a very stressful and worrying time.  When we have kids we know its going to be challenging but we never really know what's ahead do we.

Its great that you have found these forums - its a safe place to vent and get things off your chest, as well as hear from other parents who have been in similar situations. I'm sure you also have stories and ways of approaching things that would be of great benefit to other struggling parents.

What is very evident from your post is the strength of your relationship with your partner. That cannot be underestimated. When our children are experiencing troubled times it puts a lot of pressure on the relationship doesn't it. 

Is your son in a new school now? And if so, can you get the school counsellor involved early on?

[Orbit64]

Hi to my Supporters, ;-) 

 The first thing both my wife and I did when we found this site was book a coaching session. I look forward to it this week. We know we need help. 

My son has been away with a family member for almost a week now. He is due back on Friday, so we are keen to get a few ideas and a strategy in place before he gets back. I have watched the introductory videos, and I can tick almost all the comments made about the behaviour teenagers can exhibit. We could add a few more to the list!

[Orbit64]

Hi Ngaio-RO,

I do not think we have had very much of the sibling issue. We have never gone down the road of comparing the two of them. We do set the same expectations though.

The behaviour exhibited by my son appears to have little to do with his older sister.

Really I am way beyond "why"? 

I am more interested in just "how" we move forward. 

We have tried all the discussion, explanation, every idea we have to understand his behaviour, explain consequences and how to get through to him. All to little or no avail. 

Selling him and chucking in a goat, a couple of camels and a gold bar or two feels like one of the few options left if we had an takers. 

[taokat]

Hi @Orbit64, I'm so glad you are doing the coaching this week. I think it's definitely worth a try, and I'm sure your coach will be able to give you some useful tools that you can start using when your son gets back on Friday.

As I have experienced with my daughter, things can take time before you see any positive changes. There will be times you may think what you are doing is a waste of time and not working, but stick with it. One day you'll fall over in shock when your son shows different behaviour! 

Let us know what you think after your first session. Parents will be here to support you and give you encouragement along the way.

[Orbit64]

Had the coaching today. Great start. Next is the return of our boy on Friday.

We hope for an uneventful and boring weekend. 

[Beingme2017]

Hi @Orbit64 glad to hear you feel positively about your coaching session - is there anything in particular about the session that is making you feel more confident ?

Yes, uneventful and boring would be quite nice wouldn't it !

[Orbit64]

Hi Beingme2017

The coaching helped in several ways.

1. Someone to talk to

2. Flesh out the ideas for Action

Our primary aim is to prevent violent or aggressive behaviour in the home. 

We have a plan worked out. Hopefully we have a "dull and boring weekend". 

Then it is back to school.