14yo wants cash to buy pot

[What_to_do]

My dilemma is whether to give her a small amount of cash. I know she will obtain weed through her friends and smoke anyway. This is all amid a big and serious mental health context and BPD diagnosis. We have good honest chats so far, but I’m worried if I deny her she’ll start stealing cash but if I allow her I’m enabling??? Biggest moral dilemma I have faced. I smoked pot all my 20’s (she knows this) and I’m so behind in life because of it. I’ve spoken to her about this. She is well aware of the risks of pot and mental health. Her words are it is keeping her from further self harm and suicide, the only relief she can get. So hard to know what to do. I’ve always been a believer that in banning things it makes them do it behind your back...but this moral dilemma feels huge right now. Thanks in advance for any advice.

[PapaBill]

Hi @What_to_do 

It is difficult sometimes to say No to our children when we want to give them the world.  

Especially if you both are in the habit of the child asking and you always providing.

At 14 yr old I presume you are still providing the basics of food, clothing etc ?

If so you don't need to give your daughter cash, so it becomes a choice that you need to make based on what you think is best for your daughter.  

If you think giving her small amounts of money will help her learn to manage finances and be responsible with it then I would encourage you to do so.  Teaching children to manage money is important.  

If you think it is going to end up spent on drugs ( you say "I know she will obtain weed through her friends" ) then it realistically is giving her money to buy drugs.

Personally I think you need to set an example of saying No to Drugs for your daughter and Not give her cash. 

As I like to try and not make it win-lose how about this for an idea.

If she wants something nice, you can arrange a debit card in your name, that you can put a small amount of money on for specific things.  Then you see the statement on where the money is going.   Sure it is not fool proof but it does show that you care enough to want good things for them but until they can demonstrate they are responsible you will still be the parent and supervise YOUR money.

IMHO if you are not interfering with your child's life you are not parenting you are observing them.  

That doesn't mean you manage every aspect of their life but at 14 you definitely  have a responsibility to limit their exposure to bad things (like drugs!) by controlling what cash you provide them.

[PapaBill]

p.s.  Just because you did stupid things in your 20's does not mean you have to support her doing them.  

That's called passing on your experience NOT hypocrisy

[Lilly19]

you are the parent she is the daughter. Such a simple line but drugs (specifically pot) and teens combined with MH as you have found cause endless issues for the rest of your life. You did it as a kid (adult brain is not developed until 25-28 yrs) emotionally. As a parent boundaries are so important we often get stretched by their constant nonsense.

Emotionally yes she is aware but she is unable to be rational - perhaps read about the developing teenage brain. It gives you a significant look at what you are parenting, not what you think you are parenting. Teens like toddlers react and defy you consistently. When you ask them what is wrong they say Í don't know" and, they don't. And, neither did we. Emotionally teens do not change through the generations.

May I ask if she is taking meds for her emotional distress. We have started the CBD oil I cannot tell you how much it is helping us psychologically - and we are a mess.. 

The cash. She will take it anyway. Was there anything that you didn't stop at to get it.. Enabling her isn't healthy its a huge dilemma but, at the end of the day guiding her being there keeping the communication open not pushing for answers knowing she has a roof over her head a mum who cares and loves her means far more to them then they will ever admit atm. You are a great mum, this too will pass. breathe, cry and breathe some more..

[Jay-RO]

Hey there @What_to_do,

How are things going with your daughter? Other users have offered some fantastic advice in this and the other thread, was any of it helpful for you?

It can be really hard to know whether what you are doing is the right and it's okay to be unsure. Does your daughter have any other supports, such as a professional? If she sees pot as a coping mechanism, a professional may be able to help her find other methods, what do you think?
Thinking of you

[Dad4good]

Hey @What_to_do 

I hope you've found a clear path in this situation. I agree with the previous suggestions (not providing money to your daughter that you feel is going to be used for drugs), however I just wanted to respond to your feeling of the "dilemma".

I'm sure all parents can relate with the problem of not knowing what's the "right" answer in some situations. It reminded me of when my son was reported missing and ended up at his girlfriends house. The parents were great, in that they called me to let me know that he was there and so I was able to collect him.

On the way home I took my son into the police station (so they could sight him) however throughout this whole process he was begging me to let him stay with his girlfriend for the night. He was saying that it made him feel better (mental health wasn't good at the time) and that he would just run away again if I didn't drop him back off at her house.

I remember sitting in the police station totally confused. My thoughts were scattered and I couldn't make a clear judgement. I knew that I wasn't coping and so I called my eldest brother. Thankfully he was able to calm me down, and said "Just remember that [name] is not coping at the moment. His thoughts are his 'depression talking' and you need to make the choices for him."

It was weird how it snapped me back into reality. Suddenly, the answer was clear and so I took him back home. For me in the moment, it was a wrestle between "I don't want him running away again" (after all, I just got him back) and "I don't want him thinking he can just use that against me to get what he wants".  

Fortunately this was a good lesson for me, in that it showed me that 1) I can lose control of my "rational" brain and, 2) I have a right to step in and make the right choices that are not dictated by a 14 year old who doesn't have the capacity to make good choices.

Oh, and yes, he ran away again . . .