15 year old aggressive, refusing school, smoking drugs

[rkt123]

I am at my wit’s end. My son is almost 15. His father and I separated 4 1/2 years ago, the last year of our relationship was incredibly toxic. During this time our son’s behaviour became more challenging. Low mood, self harm. Refusing to see his father for six months. During lockdown his mood worsened. Post lockdown he became involved in completely the wrong crowd. He returned to school and we had episodes of aggression, volatile behaviour and leaving school. Believing he was desperately unhappy at school we moved schools this academic term. During his first two weeks, he has barely attended lessons, been aggressive to teachers, fought with another pupil and has now been told he cannot return. His ‘best friend’ is dealing drugs and they both regularly do drugs amongst other things I believe. He now has to move schools but I know he will not attend. I am at my complete wit’s end. I am devastated he is throwing away his future (he is top set A grade student). Can anybody offer any advice?

[feeling_lost · Accepted solution]

I feel for you because I’m going through the exact same situation with my 15 year old son. I divorced 7 years ago and it was very toxic and I had an avo on him , it would have affected my son definitely in some way.
He’s always been an A grade student very smart.
In the past 6 months he has been on downward spiral which is now out of control. He is angry , violent, smashes my furniture windows etc, rarely attends school, has had rage attacks at school in public , he doesn’t care, he’s suicidal , self harming , takes drugs but won’t admit and I have no idea what else. When I question his drug use he gets angry at me , he used to be my most affectionate loving child but he is now the complete opposite. He calls me everything you could imagine and is basically running this house while we are all scared. My other children are frightened.
He’s been in hospital three times taken by police , and he just gets discharged with no help
I don’t know what to do anymore , I can’t keep living like this. I’ve tried to help him for so long, years with depression and now this is at a different level.
What are we to do??? I’m so sorry you too are going through this because it feels like a lonely road 😢

[Sophia-RO]

Hello @rkt123 , sorry to hear that you are feeling like you are at your wits end. It sounds like things have been quite difficult for you and your son lately. You mentioned that your son has been having issues at school and has been aggressive to his teachers before, have you been able to discuss any of these issues with his teachers/ staff from the school? Have you been able to discuss your concerns about your sons behaviour with them and discuss any support options? Have you also had the chance to discuss your concerns about your son's friends and his behaviour with him?

It sounds like there has been a lot going on for your son lately, so I just wanted to ask whether you have any concerns about his current safety? Also, I just wanted to let you know that I have edited your post slightly to fit in with our community guidelines . 

[feeling_lost · Accepted solution]

I feel for you because I’m going through the exact same situation with my 15 year old son. I divorced 7 years ago and it was very toxic and I had an avo on him , it would have affected my son definitely in some way.
He’s always been an A grade student very smart.
In the past 6 months he has been on downward spiral which is now out of control. He is angry , violent, smashes my furniture windows etc, rarely attends school, has had rage attacks at school in public , he doesn’t care, he’s suicidal , self harming , takes drugs but won’t admit and I have no idea what else. When I question his drug use he gets angry at me , he used to be my most affectionate loving child but he is now the complete opposite. He calls me everything you could imagine and is basically running this house while we are all scared. My other children are frightened.
He’s been in hospital three times taken by police , and he just gets discharged with no help
I don’t know what to do anymore , I can’t keep living like this. I’ve tried to help him for so long, years with depression and now this is at a different level.
What are we to do??? I’m so sorry you too are going through this because it feels like a lonely road 😢

[rkt123]

@feeling_lost I am so sorry to hear you are going through something similar. Our sons behaviours and situations sound very much alike and I agree the path is so lonely and dark. It is heartbreaking to watch the downward spiral and there doesn’t seem to be any help available for them or for us. I really don’t know what to say. I hope beyond hope that they will get through this but at the moment I cannot see any signs of anything improving. Sending you all my best x

[Emily-RO]

Hi @feeling_lost  and @rkt123  Thank you for sharing this with us. The situation with your sons sound complex and I want to acknowledge your bravery in sharing this with us and the support you have for your families. It is difficult for you to be there for your children, whilst also feeling fearful.

I also want to check in and make sure that you are also supporting yourself during this difficult time. Do you have any supports for yourself? (e.g. friends, other family or professional support).

You mention that there are other children involved in the situation. Would it be possible to know if there are some things in place to protect them?

[rkt123]

There doesn’t seem to be much support available. My son’s new school is trying to support us and I have support from Young Offenders. The challenge is nothing seems to work as my son is either unable or has no interest in changing his behaviours. I do have friends and family but it is very difficult as they are tired of hearing the challenges, have no understanding of how horrendous living this nightmare is (make him go to school. How? Stop him hanging around with the wrong crowd. How? He shouldn’t be acting like this. I know!) and I consequently find myself avoiding everybody. My other two children are affected by this but appear to manage it very well. They do not have any specific support but we talk openly and I encourage them to talk to me. It is a living hell.

[feeling_lost]

Our situation sounds exactly the same!! I feel like you that it’s hard to talk to family friends etc. they are supportive but the same thing “why the hell is he doing that” if I knew I’d resolve it. I suppose in a way I feel like a bad mother, like I’ve done something wrong because I don’t understand why. He is my middle child , my other 2 children witnessed him raging then self harming. Of course my youngest was horrified/traumatised as we all were. It’s not what anyone wants to witness of their loved one.
He takes up all my attention because I’m so worried about him and always trying to help him but I don’t think he wants my help.
We now go to CAMHS but he’s only been twice , he’s not willing to talk to councillors telling me it’s pointless. I end up going to the session without him.
The school have been supportive and know that he has a mental health issue (anxiety/depression) and the school Councellors can see he is troubled , they try to work hard with him when he goes to school but that hasn’t been often.
He is now at the point where he doesn’t care about anything or anyone and he is completely lost. He freely admits to me that he’s not wired like everyone else and doesn’t feel anything.
My heart is breaking.
How do we get through to them ? I’ve always done the soft calm talk to calm him down , but since these drugs have been involved I can’t control him.

[rkt123]

Again, I am in exactly the same position. I try to remain very calm with him and could previously talk him down. That no longer works. I do find if he is starting to kick off, if I ignore him and the behaviour completely it does diffuse more quickly. I, like you, have spent most of my time focussing on him. Doing everything I can to ensure everything is ok to avoid him kicking off. There is no point. I am starting to learn that no matter what I do, if he wants to kick off, he will. I need to focus more on my other two children and not just him. It is so unfair to the other two. My son also admits he is wired differently. He has previously attended counselling which has been of limited help. He calls every shot. If he wants to go out, he goes out. If he doesnt want to go to school, he completely refuses. If he goes to school and wants to go home, he just leaves. I cannot parent him. I feel like I have completely failed as a parent. I know it sounds awful but I am also completely embarrassed by it all. I occasionally see glimpses of the wonderful, kind young boy that he really is, which again is heartbreaking as he is in there somewhere but the substance misuse has taken over him. Will they ever come through this? How do we support them?

[feeling_lost]

Aww everything you say I feel like it’s me !!! It sounds like we even feel the same. And you are exactly right they are completely controlling the situation , and it’s near impossible now to parent them.
What I find hurts the most is I haven’t seen my loving affectionate boy for too long now, I don’t believe I’ve even seen a smile from him for months. What if they never realise they are destroying their lives and what future will they have,
And to hear you say your son says he is wired differently makes me understand they are trying to self medicate for their mental health but can’t see how destroying it is.
I wish I had some kind of advice for you , even for myself.
Stay strong and we have to be positive that we are doing our best , I just don’t know what more we can do to help when we ourselves have lost any kind of control 😢

[Taylor-RO]

Hi @feeling_lost, thanks for your support and insight. It is unfortunate to hear that you can relate to this situation. It must be difficult to feel like you have lost control and that your son is destroying their life and future. I am wondering if you have ever received any professional support to cope with what you are going through? Please know that you aren't alone - we are so glad that you have found it helpful to support others and to share your story.