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15yo Son can't leave a girl my wife can't stand.

15yo Son can't leave a girl my wife can't stand.

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Boring_Old_Dad
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15yo Son can't leave a girl my wife can't stand.

Hi there everyone, my first post here and thanks so much for having me.

 

Firstly, apologies for the length of this message, but it needs some background, I feel.

 

Wy wife and I are at our wit's end. Common problem here, I'm guessing.

 

Our 15 year old Son was in a relationship with a girl at school for about 7 months. At the time we felt they were going to be the couple that stayed together forever, however the relationship crumbled when her interest shifted to a family friend and our Son was heartbroken.

 

He slowly got better and one day he came home from school and told me that a girl had kissed him as a dare from some of her friends. The next day, same thing happened, but this time a longer kiss and it wasn't a dare. He showed me a photo of her and, yes, she was an attractive 15 year old girl. I could understand why he was chuffed.

 

The friendship grew and we found they were chatting each night on Facetime, Snapchat and Instagram, which wasn't really a problem as he was doing his homework and chores and seemed really happy. We thought this girl was good for him.

 

A few weeks went past and we discovered the girl had a damaged moral compass. Coming from a broken home, she regularly held wild parties at her place in an outside shed that included alcohol, drugs and sleeping around. Looking at her, you wouldn't know it, but we were warned to get our Son away from her and FAST. 

 

To me, she was a sweet 15 year old girl with a bit of an edge, but of course looks can be deceiving.

 

She was telling him the things he needed to hear and he was hooked. To him, she had the package. Good looking, a bit of a Tomboy (she rides a skateboard everywhere) and rebel (she was known for using her fists if someone upset her and rarely wears school uniform) plays Rugby League and Union and, to be honest, I could see the attraction. Polar opposite to his last girlfriend who was a bit of a wallflower and a princess.

 

My wife's concerns for his welfare were enough to make her ring the school to see if they could shed any light on the relationship as all we had heard was here-say from others. Was he in danger? Is she as bad as we have heard?

 

Of course the teacher we spoke to couldn't give us details, but he said, although she is a lovely girl with some very good qualities, she comes with a large amount of baggage and he believed she would not be a good fit for our family.

 

Since that conversation we have had some horrible nights with our Son. We have sat down with him calmly on a number of occasions and tried to explain the trouble he could be in if he continues to be involved with her. But, he refuses to stop seeing her to the point he becomes aggressive and at one point, violent, if we demand he let her go.

 

It quickly became obvious we can't force him to stop seeing her for whatever reason. Perhaps he loves her, perhaps he feels sorry for and wants to fix her. Perhaps it's neither those things, or both. I said to my wife that, if we restrict him in some way, he will simply go underground with her and we will never know what they were up to. At this point in time we were still all communicating.

 

What I decided to do next, I am not so sure about, but at least it allowed me to monitor what they were doing and keep the communication open between us all.

 

I suggested we all meet at the local cafe so I could meet her and see what the fuss was all about, see what I thought of her in person and how my Son and her treated each other. My wife, who wants absolutely, without question, NOTHING to do with her was at work, so it was an opportunity to see once and for all, the person who was causing us so much grief.

 

In hindsight, it was probably the wrong thing to do. But I needed to get a vibe from her to see if things were really as bad as we heard.

 

She arrived shortly after us (my two sons and their friend were with me). She was this tiny, skinny little thing with jeans ripped off into shorts that were indeed so short, I felt uncomfortable looking at her. She was certainly good looking, but provocative indeed for a 15 year old girl. Yes, I know times have changed, but I'm not sure I'd let my daughter go out with shorts that allowed her crotch to be displayed to the world!

 

Anyway, besides all of that, my Son and her certainly had a connection. They got on well and were very happy around each other. She soon struck up a conversation with me without being shy and at the end of our catchup, I walked away quite liking her. Yes, she was a bit rough around the edges, but we were used to the Princess, so everyone is different. I believed, to avoid conflict and them going underground, we should let the relationship carry on with careful monitoring and support which included social media communication monitoring as well.

 

However, much to my Son's disappointment, my wife would not have it. He has asked us several times if she can come over for lunch so we can all get to know each other and, although the girl is all for it, my wife says a very strong NO WAY! She believes she is danger and wants her nowhere near us.

 

A few weeks pass and the relationship is continuing, on whatever level that is.

 

I have taken the kids to the local park so they can spend some time together with her. But the time we spend with her is (probably understandable) wearing thin with my wife. She wants it all stopped now.

 

We also learned from a reliable source that this girl had slept with two boys the very same weekend as we were with her at the park. By the way, I forgot to say she is also known to use suicide as a threat if a relationship looks like it is ending.

 

So, after the last park meetup, she had another of her parties at her place and sent me a few videos on social media of herself at one of her parties. There was nothing sexual about them, just shots of her talking to me about how much she loved our Son, but she was getting increasingly drunk (or stoned) in each of them The last video she sent me was of a group of males standing around off their faces on something. To this day, I haver no idea why she sent those videos to me, because they would certainly not entice us to allow our Son to be with her.

 

So, after all that, this is where we are at:

 

Son still wants to be with girl.

I say let it take its course with careful monitoring, support and guidance, as it may well wear itself out when Son doesn't give her what she is used to quickly getting, but wife says NO!. It has to end now.

Wife wants school to intervene and do whatever they can to stop the relationship from occurring.

Girl says she loves our Son, but at the same time could very well be sleeping around but denying it.

 

We just don't know what to do next.

 

She has improved her dress as she is now in normal uniform at school, she has promised she has left her negatively-influential friends group and is hanging around our Son's friends. She has started back at dancing and has stopped the parties. Or so she says.

 

She told me she wants to improve her life so her and Son can be together.

 

I know it has been a ton of rambling, but we are somewhat confused.

 

Do any of you have any ideas/insight into what we should do?

 

Many thanks in advance.


Accepted Solutions
Parent/Carer Community Champion
PeteNorthside
Solution

Re: 15yo Son can't leave a girl my wife can't stand.

Well done posting and asking for ideas and help, it sounds like a very difficult situation with a lot of mixed feelings. 

 

I am sure other people will focus on other issues, but I am especially worried about your wife and her reaction to this messy situation. I know sometimes it is more important to focus on my own relationship than the children's, especially when things get tough. Supporting one another is usually on the backburner and sometimes it is worth spending some time together to understand each other more. 

 

I have given up forcing things or wanting things with the children or their friends. They have their own plans and are very determined. Half the time if you don't want something, it only makes them want something more. So it is not worth the stress. Most of the time is more just having your own plans for the worse case scenarios and sorting out what is important or not. 

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Parent/Carer Community Champion
PeteNorthside
Solution

Re: 15yo Son can't leave a girl my wife can't stand.

Well done posting and asking for ideas and help, it sounds like a very difficult situation with a lot of mixed feelings. 

 

I am sure other people will focus on other issues, but I am especially worried about your wife and her reaction to this messy situation. I know sometimes it is more important to focus on my own relationship than the children's, especially when things get tough. Supporting one another is usually on the backburner and sometimes it is worth spending some time together to understand each other more. 

 

I have given up forcing things or wanting things with the children or their friends. They have their own plans and are very determined. Half the time if you don't want something, it only makes them want something more. So it is not worth the stress. Most of the time is more just having your own plans for the worse case scenarios and sorting out what is important or not. 

View solution in original post

Casual scribe
Boring_Old_Dad

Re: 15yo Son can't leave a girl my wife can't stand.

Thanks, Pete.

The idea of supporting my wife first and foremost is indeed valued. Yes, perhaps we will have no say in the outcome at all - one of my friends continues to repeat to me: "remember, control is an illusion" - so it is important that her and I are ok if it hits the fan.

That said, I am not even sure if it will hit the fan. For a girl with a reputation of being rather promiscuous and a party animal, she is sure spending a lot of energy on getting my Son to have a "proper" relationship with her and gradually changing her ways.

Then again, perhaps it is a manipulating game to her and once she does indeed have her way with him, he will be dropped like a sack of potatoes.

I guess time will tell with the hope that there is not too much damage done in the meantime.

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