18 Year Old with no respect and hates me

[Allanah]

My 18 year old son truly hates me, I try so hard to love him but nothing I do is right and he tells me to F off etc on a daily basis. I have a younger child and it breaks me heart that he has to witness such hatred and lack of respect. I am worried that he will one day be the same as that is what he sees. I am finding it very hard to live with my 18 year old son but he has no where else to go. He struggles to go to work and expects my husband and I to hand everything to him on a platter. Every conversation ends in aggressive words and I am so over it. This has been going on for years and I really don’t know how much longer I can do this. Everyday is exhausting and distressing. I feel it could be some mental illness but I have made multiple appointments which he will not come too. I say hello to him and he tells me to F off and an hour later he asks me a question like nothing happened. I honestly don’t know what to do, it’s a terrible situation.

[Birdwings]

Hi Allanah,

I'm not sure whether you are new to the parent forum , or new to me. So, I will start off by saying hello and welcoming you here and that I hope you're okay despite what's going on with your son. I have a 16 year old son and 14 year old daughter so I'm not far behind you and I also hear about what goes on with my friends and their teens and from my kids about their friends' troubles at home. It forms a bit of a mish mash in my head...a pea and ham soup of sorts. However, an older friend said to me today that there's support for teens, but it's the parents who need it. That's been my feeling too. There was a lot of support when our kids were small and with playgroup etc. and my connections with my friends and the parents of my kids friends has really dropped off. It wasn't such a big deal and I wasn't all that concerned because we ran into each other around school and activities. However, thanks to covid, we've become quite disconnected. I've started trying to reconnect lately once I realized that all the teens were all connected and we parents were left in the dark.

However, I digress. 

Our son has intermittent anger outbursts, and can be quite abusive at times. My Dad asked me if I'd asked him what was wrong. Sometimes I had and other times, I hadn't. So asking him what's going on for him and using the phrase: "Are you okay?"

I know people talk about depression being a cause of problems and also leading to suicide. However, frustration is also huge and I know that some of my worst moments when I was young, were around frustration. 

I would ask if he has some things he's good at and whether he is able to develop these things. 

Also, getting out for a walk, run, exercise are good ways of letting off steam. 

These all work as prevention. 

I also struggle with young men being abusive and violent towards their parents, and this is a form of domestic violence and you have a right to feel and be safe in your own home. This is something I feel very strongly as an issue but it's much harder when it's your own child and the waters get very murky. There are usually triggers for our son and we can work around it, and I am also a safe place for him to blow up and I usually don't take it personally.

Getting teens to see someone is difficult most of the time. So, I'd recommend that your husband and yourself get some counselling and strategies for responding. Maybe this can help you to change and improve the situation in some way.

I hope that helps. 

Best wishes,

Birdwings

PS On re-reading through this, I wanted to mention taking care of yourselves and getting a break. Some self-care. Is there anything you do for self-care? That's something I need to work on myself. 

[joanne123]

Just wondering where do parents get counselling from 

[Birdwings]

Hi joanne123,

You can get a referral to a psychologist through your GP, but someone else could give you better info about that. I've been able to get some free counselling sessions through Carers NSW because we are registered carers. Occupational therapists can also provide good support. 

Hope that helps. 

Best wishes,

Birdwings

[Janine-RO]

I just wanted to check in and see how everyone is going on this thread: 

@Allanah  I'm so sorry to hear that things have been so tough with your son. I think that @Birdwings ' words of advice are incredibly wise, and you're so spot on - there is so much support for parents when our kids are younger, but often when we are 'in the trenches' with older kids it can be really isolating at a time when we really do need the support. I just thought I'd share this service with you in case you think it would be helpful to have  a one to one chat with a child and famliy professional- ReachOut offer free one to one support sessions with experienced professionals in partnership with the Benevolent Society, and I've heard really great things about them. Sometimes it can help a lot to get someone else's input into these tricky situations - it's a free service, and you can find out more about it here.

It must be so frustrating to feel like there may be some underlying mental illness with your son, but not have him be willing to attend appointments. We do find that some young people are more open to online counselling as a less confronting way to access help for mental health issues- do you think your son might be open to this at all? If he is interested, eHeadspace  offer free online counselling. 

Mensline

is another great organisation who specialise in providing support to men, and they also offer free phone and telephone counselling. Anger management and talking to men about violent behaviour is something that they specialise in, and they have some great resources here that you can check out. 

How have things been going for you in the last few weeks? 

@joanne123  I also just wanted to check in with you and see how you're doing? There are quite a few options to access counselling, depending on what you are looking for. 

As I mentioned about, ReachOut do offer a free one to one support service for parents , you can find out more about that here. 

As @Birdwings  mentioned, you can also see your GP for a Mental Health Plan, which can give you access to sessions with a mental health professional which get a medicare rebate. 

There's also a range of online services if you think that would work well for you, there's a good list of some great Australian services here

@Birdwings  I am about to reply on your other thread, but just wanted to thank you for your amazing kindness, compassion, wisdom, and generosity of spirit that you show in supporting other parents here  

[Prodigallove]

I can totally relate. My son is so ungrateful and disrespectful to me on a daily basis. It's heartbreaking because I have raised him by myself, father never in the picture except for a few times when he was little. I have done nothing but love him and try to be the best mom I can be, but feel like I have failed as a mother. In my head, I go over and over what I could or should have done differently. All we can do is pray for our children and pray that they will come to their senses.. I hope things get better for you. You are not alone, believe me

[Iona-RO]

Hi @Prodigallove 

Thanks so much for sharing your story and supporting other parents going through the same situation. It really makes all the difference when we realise we're not alone.

I'm really sorry to hear that you feel like you've failed as a mother, it seems to me that you've been an extremely resilient mother who has cared for your son on your own. That's something you should feel really proud of, being a single parent is really tough. Well done for being there for your son when others weren't.

If you feel like you need some extra support or someone to talk to about what you're going through, Janine_RO has linked some really great resources in her comment above that you might also find helpful

[Mishmash]

I can also relate to this. My 18 year old son hasn’t spoken to me properly in over a year. He calls me a b**** on a daily basis and blames me for things that have happened years ago. I think the only thing that makes him happy is to see how much pain he can cause me. I have told him hundreds of times that I am sorry for the things I have done wrong but he just doesn’t care. I am an emotional wreck and feel that I am dying inside because I just can’t take anymore.

[Prodigallove]

So sorry your son is treating you that way. I know it's devastating and heartbreaking especially when they don't realize and see how much we love them and care for them and all we get is disrespect and hate thrown at us from them. I have been praying for my son that God will change his heart and save his soul. It is hard to change their behavior. I really do feel your pain. My son is the same way pretty much. Just continue to show love to him.

[Sophia-RO]

Hello @Mishmash , I'm sorry to hear that your son has not spoken to you properly in over a year and that he does not treat you well. It sounds like you care a lot about your son, so I can't imagine how upsetting it must be that this is happening. Feeling like you are dying inside sounds like a really difficult feeling to experience. Is there anyone that you feel comfortable talking to about what you have been going through? Sometimes being able to talk with someone about what we are going through and how we are feeling can mean so much.  Is there anything that you have been doing to help you get through these tough times?