18 yo daughter will move into boyfriend's car, with him, if we don't let him live here

[Bnwcbw00]

Hi all. My 18 year old daughter has a boyfriend who will soon be 21. He has been kicked out of his house (i don't know the circumstances or his parents). We've let him stay for a month do far. I asked what his plan was if not allowed to stay longer. He said he would live in his car.
My daughter said she would go with him.
My daughter has no job, no licence, has just graduated high school and had wanted to go to school she suffers from sever anxiety and panic attacks, and has chronic health issues that require regular and appropriate meals, etc...
EVERYONE says i should cut him lose, and if she chooses to go with him, its her choice...and that she will cone back.
I am terrified of losing my precious daughter and due to her mental and physical issues, don't feel I've provided her with enough life skills yet to let her go
So, do i let him stay, even though it causes extra stress on my finances, health and relationship with my boyfriend, so i can jeep her here a bit longer to help guide her? Or do i tell him his issue is not ours and put my daughter at risk of making a bad decision?
This is so much harder than i though it would be.

[Jess1-RO]

Hi @Bnwcbw00 and welcome to ReachOut Parents. We are really grateful you have reached out- it takes a lot of courage to come online and ask for help! We hear you and will do the best we can to support you 

That is such a tough situation you are in right now  It sounds like you have done a lot to accommodate this young man with a really challenging living situation- really commendable that you have given him a home this last month  Is he working at the moment or earning an income to support himself should he leave your home? 

I can understand your concern with your daughter's wellbeing, particularly given some of her health needs- your concerns are definitely warranted, and I can hear that this is something really weighing on you. What are your initial thoughts? Are you leaning to one alternative or another at this point? 

It looks like you might be joining us from the US, and I am not sure what the social support is like where you are, but I know for young people in Australia there is the opportunity for government assistance to help with paying rent and life expenses, particularly if neither your daughter or her boyfriend are working. Do you have something similar where you are that may help the boyfriend find a safe home?

You have mentioned speaking to other people about this situation, and it is really good to hear you are starting these conversations- a decision like this is not easy and having a support system that can be there for you through this journey is really important. Who's in your support network and how did you feel about their thoughts on the situation?

[PapaBill]

Hi @Bnwcbw00 

It certainly is a tough situation.  My response is quite long winded as I went through this beside my partner 3 years ago!

My partner had the exact same issue.. My partner and I went away for a 5 day holiday leaving her 16 yr old daughter at home (Grandmother is 5 min walk away) and came back and found her unemployed 19 yr old boyfriend had been moved in after he was kicked out by his parents.

Months went along and the relationship between mother and daughter nose dived.  My partner was being driven out of her own home through steady deteriorating behavior from her daughter.  During this time my partners mental health continually was under assault and she was racked by guilt and anxiety. 

After about 18 months later my partner snapped and one day told them they had to move out she was selling the house and moving in with me.  Her daughter and boyfriend moved back in with his parents 5 days later and my partner still has her house.

My partner now sees her daughter 4-5 times a week for breakfast and coffee as they finally settled in a place around the corner on their own.

The point our story is while it seems like my partners world was coming apart she hung in there with her daughter and never stop loving her. In the end we had a happy ending but it was a terrible journey.

So some things to think about.....

Some important things to remember about you:

• You have the right to choose who does and does not live in your home.
• You are NOT responsible for what happens to your daughters boyfriend.
• There is a difference between generosity to help those in need and being used. 

Some important things to consider about the boyfriend:

• Is the boyfriend working to become independent or just taking advantage of the current situation?  It sounds like he doesn't have a plan to become independent and if that is so IMHO he is taking advantage of you and your daughter.
• Unfortunately some times people end up living in cars.  Sometimes it is their choices that lead them there, sometimes it is beyond their control.
• If you are giving him time to arrange his own accommodation and he doesn't then the consequences of that are on him.

Some important things to consider about your daughter:

• At 18 yrs old your daughter is an adult and make her own choices.
• If she thinks living in a car with her boyfriend is better than living in your house that is her choice. 
• Threatening to move into his car and actually doing it are two different things.
• Sometimes you have to let your children make choices we don't like to learn the reality of how the world works.

What should you do

Every situation is different.  If my partner had been as hard on her daughter and boyfriend as I would have been she probably would not enjoy the strong relationship they have today.  So the advice I would give today would be different than if you asked me 3 years ago.

Here is what I would do today

1. Love your Daughter... Tell her you love her and want to support her.
2. Decide what you can and can not live with.  Are you willing to have him stay some time?  Is he paying board then that should be addressed ASAP.  My partners boyfriend had to pay board when he was staying with us though it was well short of his actual costs! 
3. Discus the situation with your daughter.  I say this not because the discussion is important.  Based on what happened to my partner you wont get agreement.  Discussing the situation models adult problem resolution and to let he know you are not being unreasonable..
4. Let your daughter know you can not support her and her boyfriend indefinitely. Set a limit on how long he can stay.  Give him a fixed limit to get something sorted out.
5. Regularly remind him as time goes by they have 3 weeks remaining, then next week 2 weeks remaining etc.  Make sure they know you are serious and time is passing
6. When you get to the end of the time.. ACT - be firm and cut him lose. 
7. If you daughter choose to go, remind her she is NOT being cast out, you love her and she is always welcome back in your home.