Advice with 12 yo daughter Diary, cellphone I'm Scared!!!

[boridad813]

we check in recently on her cellphone activity since she was in elementary she has had crushes and little love notes she was yelled at and given the, you're too young talk. Just last fall at 11 we found text between her and boy talking about holding hands kissing and dating when the new school year started, we punished her took away all electronics and explained dating is a big no at this age.  

We again found text on her phone not only that she is again trying to date but now claims to be bisexual and is dating a new school friend, we said no again no dating and took away all electronics for 3 months. We tried to explain how trying to date and as we put it to do things too young can lead to drama. I used examples from a documentary I just saw where a girl was ousted by the whole school over her ex, claiming she cheated and she was labeled a **bleep**, I thought that story got through to her but obviously it did not. 

Some may see this as wrong but since we have little trust we decided to read her diary since her punishment it has been heavily used. In it we found it very disturbing for a 12 yo, she talks about being in love with boys, being in love her "girlfriend" being turned on by them and wanting to be sexually active with them. 

in the diary, it also states she has not even had a first kiss I am not sure where she is getting sexual desires. 

Is this normal? I am scared she will attempt something with a crush and she is just way too young, she has an older sister and we have none of these issues with her. At home we watch wholesome shows 90's tv and family sitcoms, we try to not listen or let them listen to too vulgar music and keep them on the right track.

I am not sure where all this is coming from, I thought maybe she is being influenced but from the diary, I feel she may be the bad influence on her friends who at this point seem to be more innocent than her. 

I just want to help her avoid a mistake and getting into this lifestyle that is so glorified in the world today. 

At home she is silly happy does not curse or show any type of sexualness, but in the diary, she is a completely different girl, and obviously at school as well. 

I do not want to let on we read the diary, but I feel something stricter needs to come of this, Mom has already had the sex talk they went over a book together talked of STD's etc. Any advice at all on what we can do next. 

[Taylor-RO]

Hi @boridad813, that sounds like a really tough situation. Thanks for sharing your experience and hopefully some other parents reply with some insight soon. It is normal for girls and boys to begin to develop interest in each other as they enter young adolescence. This is not something you can completely avoid but you can guide their journey through this. Have you tried asking your daughter whether she has any love interests or thoughts around sexuality/sexual identity?

We are an Australian service and whilst you are most welcome on our forums, our referrals are Australian specific. Do you have a service in your area that provides support to parents? Have you spoken with parents from the same school? Perhaps it could be worth seeking support from a psychologist on how to handle this issue?

[PapaBill]

hi @boridad813 

I found it very scary when both my boy and my girl started to look at the opposite sex.  

There were times I was not very happy with the choices they were making and we had some difficult chats.  My children certainly found some of them very uncomfortable as did I.

It is important to protect our children from harm and try to guide them from poor choices and to that we need to have open communication and trust.  Given what has happened so far it sounds like it has not progressed past holding hands, talking and fantasy.  Lets face it, 12 yr olds don't really understand adult love and what they call love at 12 will be vastly different in just a few years.

The reality is at some point in the near future they will start to move on to kissing etc.

You are going to need to have the respect and trust of your child in order to guide them when that starts happening.  What you need to be doing now is building that trust so later you can deal with the bigger issues.  How do you think your daughter feels about going through her phone and diary?

Do you think that will encourage her to come to you for guidance when a boy wants to do do more than kiss?  Or is it possible rather than risk "punishment" she will seek guidance from other - peers who have no real wisdom to share?

If you have fears share them.  It is perfectly ok to share what you fear with your daughter as long as it is done respectfully, at an appropriate time and place.  Own your concerns and share them.   Talking now openly and honesty will only help in the years to come.

[gina-Ro]

Hi @boridad813 , glad you found us at the forum - sounds like you're going through a really stressful time regarding your daughter. It must be hard to understand what's going on for your 12 yo at the moment - especially if it is a different experience to your older daughter. 

I agree with @PapaBill  regarding the trust.

Having a sexual appetite at 12 years old is extremely normal - hormonal changes are starting to take place, and having sexual desires is a really normal part of that. That does not mean of course that becoming sexually active is normal, but the feelings will no doubt arise. This is a different process for every young person, and it can happen at different rates, and different ages through puberty. 

Punishing a teen for experience what is a very normal part of growing up, will likely lead to shame, guilt and potential negative feelings towards her own body. 

Sounds like you have very clear boundaries with your daughter regarding dating - and your daughter is aware of them. Unfortunately having feelings or crushes on other people is nothing something that can be stopped or controlled. 

I think having a chat regarding risks and how to keep herself safe, is probably the best way to go - without shaming or judging her natural feelings. I'm wondering too if your other daughter might be a good person for your 12 yo to chat to about how she's feeling and the new experiences she's having as she grows up. 

Let us know how you go! 

[Lilly19]

At 12 she will be hormonal and having thoughts much sooner then we ever did. Remembering that all kids are different in their behaviours it sounds like she is exploring her world. If she has started her period as protection you may want to go to the doctor and discuss preventative measures. That is just being a normal parent not overreacting just doing what you think is best to support and protect her. What we say and what they hear/understand do not always equate the same msg. I often asked my young teens Q's they told me we know that.. but when asking what they thought the Q was - at that age they had no clue whatsoever. Mine at 16 study medical studies and still have no clue about simple Q's and sex topics. They are however very aware of STD's I not only talk about them but show them what they look like and what happens. They are a bigger risk then pregnancy with some causing infertile issues for both sexes. I know that it is important to know whats happening but is it worth losing respect by reading her very personal stuff. You want a teen who knows when the world falls apart you are there with her trust in you to explore the world. there maybe some sort of counselling for you to guide you through these years ahead- remember most of us experience the same issues you most certainly aren't alone..