Asking for what we need when things are tough.

[Ngaio-RO]

Hey,  @LovingThruBlue  I relate so much to what you've written. Particularly that part about worrying what might happen if you're not there in the moments your daughter needs you most.

All I can say, from my experience, is that somehow you always find what you need to be there.

I remember so clearly feeling like it was all about to fall apart. That I was about to fall in a heap and, as a result, fail my daughter dismally.  But I didn't. We all survived.

Looking back I can see how the people in my life who gave me support were integral to our survival. Even just one person, telling you you're doing a good job and things will get better if you hold on, makes all the difference in the world.

Weirdly enough, I also found that getting rid of toxic relationships in my life was equally important. Hopefully, you don't have that but I learned that just as one person believing in you can pull you up, one person telling you that you're doing it all wrong and it's all your fault, is enough to drag you down.

Thanks again for sharing. I hope we can be one of your supports @LovingThruBlue

[LovingThruBlue]

Thank you @Ngaio-RO. I do get great support from here because you "get it". I have had fantastic suggestions come from here too.

And, I have found that living in 'survival mode' has allowed me to shed a couple of bad relationships because I had nothing to give them. They got none of my attention and fell away. 

And on the flip side, they have been replaced by a couple of supportive, valuable relationships that are bringing good to our lives without draining from the very little energy we have to give back at this time. 

[taokat]

I'm so glad you have positive relationships around you now @LovingThruBlue. I so agree with @Ngaio-RO. One person telling you you're not good enough or placing blame does so much damage.

I relate to feeling like you are failing as a mum if you're not there all the time. My daughter chopped off her long hair. I was out and didn't hear my phone when she was calling me to help her get through the urges. We were both devastated, for different reasons. Anyway, I took her to the hairdresser and had it styled - now she loves it short. Maybe not all of our 'failures' are so bad? You certainly sound like you are doing the best you can and are a great mum. 

[Ngaio-RO]

Oh @taokat I know it's not at all funny but I smiled because it reminded me so much of myself. I have always said 'I can't be left alone in a room with a pair of scissors.' I have dealt with feelings by cutting my own hair since I was young.

The first time I did it, I was not lucky enough to have a wonderful mum like you and I was forced to keep the horrible hack job as punishment. I remember refusing to get out of my mum's car and hiding my head under the seat cover!

I got better at it over the years. 

I'm so glad she loves it. My daughter is working her way to a shaved head at the end of the year (I don't know why) so she's starting with a bob and then moving on to a pixie cut. Which I think will look amazing on her.

Is that what your daughter has? And how are you feeling after it? You said you had some feelings around it. How are those now?

[LovingThruBlue]

Thank you  @taokat

[Ngaio-RO]

Hey @LovingThruBlue How would you feel about starting a new thread that looks at the value of supportive relationships when things are really tough?

I was so thrilled when I read that not only had some unhealthy relationships fallen away because you could no longer continue giving to them, but you had also found some new connections that you were getting a lot out of.

I know I am always keen to hear tips on how to reach out to other people and how to kick start new friendships. Especially as an adult.

What do you think?

[LovingThruBlue]

I sure can  @Ngaio-RO

[taokat]

It's more of a bob, cut just below her ears @Ngaio-RO. My feelings around her cutting it off were mostly of guilt and feeling I'd let her down yet again becuase I didn't hear my phone until it was too late. I've got those feelings under control now. We can't be there every moment and my daughter has her own lessons to learn from this life. It makes it easier that she now loves it too!