Boyfriend living with us

[MommaFish3]

My daughters boyfriend‘s family has 14 children. Mom is 45 and just had number 14, just to give some background. The boy feels unloved and sits in his room most days. The family has been very standoffish towards my husband and I trying to reach out to them. The boy has threatened numerous times suicide. We have the room to take him in and help him out, however my oldest son 26, Who still lives at home says he would leave or just downright be rude to him if he were to move here. My 18-year-old who is here also but not all the time thinks it’s a bad idea. The boys lived here for a while once before at the beginning of July but left because he said he was homesick, so my son thinks he burned his bridge and should now live with his actions. I’m concerned over the things that I hear his parents saying and doing just because they don’t like my daughter. They are allowed to feel that way, I get it. But mental abuse seems to flow freely in their home. For example This last birth mom had some trouble and had to have a hysterectomy and she made the boy look at it and feel it and blamed it on him because of his desire to see my daughter. They’ve said if he tries to see my daughter he will be sent to Vermont to live with her family until he is 18, which is February. In the past we’ve Helped out friends of my oldest son and friends of my middle child as well, why are the boys so adamant of not helping this young man? I work from home and I trust my daughter. Everything she’s tried to do or that my husband and I have tried to do, have ultimately gotten the boy in trouble with his parents causing more strain on his anxiety and depression. I’m stuck between doing the right thing and listening to my children tell me what to do which seems very very wrong. Any advice or input is appreciated.

[Janine-RO]

Hi @MommaFish3 , 

My heart really goes out to you reading this, you sound like such a compassionate person and you're clearly trying to do your best in what sounds like a really challenging situation. I'm sure that knowing he has other adults in his life that care for him is really important for your daughter's boyfriend. 

I'm wondering if your daughter's boyfriend has had any support for his anxiety and depression at all? It looks like you're in the USA, is that right? Unfortunately we're an Australian service so I'm not very familiar with support services over there, but the suicide prevention lifeline  is a national service that offers crisis phone counselling and webchat...

If he is having thoughts of suicide they can be a really good resource, and also may be able to give him other suggestions to find support locally. 

Do you know why your sons aren't keen to have him come and stay with you? Do you think that they would be open to having a family meeting where you can chat through everyone's concerns? It sounds like an incredibly difficult decision for you, but it also does sounds like your daughter's boyfriend needs people in his corner like you and your husband. Thinking of you, please keep us posted on how you're getting on. 

[MommaFish3]

Thank you for your support and understanding. Yes we are in the US. He has had a few therapy sessions but his parents refuse to get him anymore because they don’t feel there is anything wrong with him. I am unsure how to get him help on his own here without his insurance information which is parents won’t give him. My boys think they are protecting their little sister, who is 15 going to be 16 in a month. I’m grateful they are looking out for her however if they paid a little more attention or opened their mind to actually understand what was going on they would realize that it’s not him causing her grief and disappointment, that it is his parents restricting him from even seeing her. We did have a meeting with the whole family and she tried desperately to explain the situation but they were steadfast on their opinions and thoughts. It was heartbreaking to see that the boys could not see things from a different perspective knowing what they had growing up.
Thank you once again for your opinion and insight, I appreciate it.

[Taylor-RO]

Hi @MommaFish3, thank you for sharing. I agree with what Janine has said, you sound like a really caring person. I bet a lot of teens wish they had someone like you growing up. It isn't everyday that someone welcomes you into their home which can really save someone's life. You are such a caring person for thinking of someone else's well-being and future.

It seems as though your sons are not going to change their opinion. This makes for such a tricky situation. Ultimately, it is your house and your decision, especially as your children are technically adults. That being said, there is a lot to consider with thinking this way. You don't want to ruin your relationship with your family, especially as it sounds like you have a really strong family unit. It is really great that you are being considerate and compassionate towards every member of your family.

You could make the decision to take in this young man and work with your family on ways to make the situation more comfortable for everyone. Just as an example, setting out some family rules for everyone, seeing whether your daughter is still feeling upset etc. Unfortunately, this may not be adequate or your children might move out straight away. Is this something you would be comfortable with? Is this an option or would your children struggle and experience disadvantage? Otherwise, the other option is to help this young man as best as you can from afar. You might be limited in what you can do but I am sure any effort would be very appreciated.

Please keep us updated

[MommaFish3]

Long story but after allowing the boys to move in with us, my two boys fight back, things got loud, my daughter and I left for a little over 24 hours, The police were involved due to the boys parents calling which makes no sense because they’re the ones that told him to leave, but anyhow we returned and within a weeks time the boy left. Said he He was concerned about his future. Which I had completely and utterly discussed with him prior to him moving in and he had all the answers. Obviously there’s something wrong with the boy and he needs counseling and I hope he gets it. I wished him well I told him I Did not want him to contact my daughter anymore in anyway because this was not healthy for her. Now for the second time I’m struggling on how to help her get over her first love. The family is bad news and I just want it to be history at this point. I’ve determined there’s nothing more I can do for him but I need to focus all of my attention on my daughter. Any recommendations on how to get her past this loss is greatly appreciated. I am in unchartered territory as I married my first love.. Peace and love to all thanks.

[Andrea-RO]

That's really tough, but I definitely empathise with, and agree with your decision to focus on your daughter. As with most break ups, it will take some time to get over the relationship. As a mum I think it's most important to just keep giving support and love to your daughter, as it sounds like you've been doing. It could also help to provide some distractions, like going on family trips or going for walks etc. Are there any activities that your daughter likes doing that you could join in with?