Can’t find a fit

[Kyb50]

Hi my daughter is twelve and struggles to find a fit. Her language skills and height have always made it hard. She also struggles to read social cues as she has not had enough exposure to friendships. She is that kid that the tribe has decided is out and that said she can’t get back in. I have tried counselling with her to help but the problem is always getting the kids to get to at least know her. Which is impossible because no one goes against the tribe. She is not sporty and loves reading. My problem is my friends all have boys and are not of similar age. I’m not on social media and I struggle to find outlet to help her find friendships. We have started girl guides but that’s it. Why is it we have groups for adults to form friendships and nothing for kids? What do you do when your kids is not sporty? I’ve looked into charities but that’s for adults. Aargh I feel like I’m just going around in circles help with any ideas would be appreciated

[Breez-RO]

Hey there @Kyb50 no doubt language barriers can be really tricky, but her tribe will come eventually. It is very hard for young ones as they grow finding other friends who are like minded and connected. I think the girl guides is a really great start, how often has she gone so far? Did the counsellor have any input or views around this?

I am going to tag some other parents to provide their support and input.

@Schooner @compassion @sunflowermom @taokat  

[compassion]

@Kyb50

Your daughter is fortunate to have you as a parent.  It's clear that you are concerned about her, and it's clear that you know her strengths and want friends in her life who can see her strengths as well.

There are a couple of things that I'm curious about.  How is your daughter feeling about the situation at school?  To what degree is she aware of/concerned about the social dynamics?  Have you noticed changes to her confidence/esteem and so on?  Also, could you expand a little on her language difficulties (is she acquiring English as an additional language, or are there other difficulties she is experiencing--knowing this may help us provide additional ideas). 

It's difficult, isn't it.  My younger daughter and son seem, at this point in time, able to navigate the social waters with more ease.  My older daughter? It's not been so easy, and I so wish that she had more positive peer relationships in her life. 

I have always been a big advocate of community outside school. The social dynamics at school can be a minefield, and it's hard to know if/when things will go south.  Having a network, even if that means a cousin or one friend, outside school can help.  The kids I know who are not 'sporty' have tried to find that community outside school through dance/musical theatre, art classes, music groups (choirs or youth orchestras), groups offered at the library, and/or cooking classes.  Girl Guides is a great option, and I'm glad that you have found that for her. 

Are there volunteering opportunities that might interest her? You mentioned that she likes reading--is she interested in reading to seniors? Or, could she be interested in volunteering at the RSPCA?  I know these things may not introduce her to friends but they may help perhaps strengthen her confidence? My older daughter has been through/is still going through turbulent times.  Through it, she has still managed to volunteer at places here and there, and this has helped give her an 'identity' outside of the troubles she is experiencing. 

Please keep us updated, @Kyb50

[Kyb50]

Thank you
She knows she’s an outcast. When she saw a therapist she made it clear to us that unless the kids get to know her more she doesn’t stand a chance. Problem is she never gets to the stage where you can invite a kid around or do an outside activity with them. School councillors have just said that they won’t be in her lives forever. Fake it to you make it. Easily said. Still has to deal with recess and lunch. My child loves to participate in conversation so not having anyone to talk to is hard. She goes to the clubs offered for her year level at school which sorta out two lunches and the rest it’s the library. I will try the volunteering angle. She is an excellent reader and unfortunately she speaks like an adult. I know this hasn’t helped her situation and she’s intelligent as well. She was doing art classes which were fantastic but it became too expensive and she got to the end of learning without taking it to the next level. Thanks to all for help. She has one girl cousin who is 16, boy and makeup crazy and as she is only 12 not the company she wants. All ideas appreciated.

[Taylor-RO]

Hey @Kyb50, it sounds like your daughter is really intelligent and involved in extra-curricular activities at school. It is such a shame that she hasn't been able to make friends. I do agree with @compassion that it is important to be involved in activities that have a social aspect to them to create an outside identity and get some kind of interaction in. How has all of this impacted you?