Daughter in controlling relationship

[Lanny81]

Hi guys!
My Daughter (recently turned 18) has been in a very on/off relationship with this guy (19) for just over 9 months.
He has hurt her emotionally on several occasions. He has lied, tried to cheat (we don't know if he has physically cheated but he has tried), ended the relationship several times for no solid reason but has used different excuses each time.
When they met last year her self esteem was low after she had been involved in a car accident. She had no major injuries but suffered concussion and due to the circumstances surrounding the accident, she lost who she thought was her best friend. Not physically but through betrayal but that is another story.
He seemed to really lift her spirits and they were really good for a while. But then ended it completely out of the blue after about 6 weeks. She was more than heartbroken, she was devastated. Then a week later he wanted her back. And this has been the norm for the whole relationship. She always continued to see her friends though and would not have him dictate to her before.
However they broke up for a month and she was finally getting back on track emotionally but they got back together. I wasnt happy about it but I know that any negativity from me will push them closer together so i put up with her decision through gritted teeth.
But since they reconciled she has really changed. She is anti-social, will not go out with her friends, has emotional melt downs 2-3 times a week. We know when her mood is low because she comes in from work, goes straight upstairs to bed and does not eat her dinner. She cries for no reason and out of the blue, we know he guilt trips her because I have overheard him when they have been on facetime - she was going to her friends 18th birthday celebrations which he was not invited to because none of her friends like him and he was trying to guilt trip her by saying "if you go to the party you are not staying at my place after" and I heard him asking what she was going to tell people when they dont see him at the party and she asked him "well what do YOU want me to tell them?" For that entire weekend he hardly saw her because he was in a strop so witholding his time and affection as punishment maybe? She has no hobbies, doesn't take care of herself ie appearance - she used to go for her lashes, eyebrows, hair etc doing but hasnt been for the past 5 months. A friend of hers who is extremely worried about her told me that he does not like her wearing makeup etc. She would not celebrate her 18th birthday with her friends, instead she spent it with him. But he ruined it for her because he got into a strop because other boys were looking at her.
We know he has been lying to her recently because he went missing for 5 hours and turned his phone off. This girl he had been seceretly messaging(who my daughter had found out about) had also gone missing for 5 hours. She doesnt know that I know about this and I darent bring it up. She has still not had an explanation from him and she darent confront him. She has told his Mum that she thinks he is cheating and his Mum agreed then all of a sudden he has fallen out with his Dad for lying to his parents and he won't tell my Daughter why. But she has been barred from his house until he apologizes to his family. Which he will not do.
Her phone wouldnt charge a few weeks ago and he couldn't get in touch with her. When he finally did he was accusing her of allsorts. She told him she was in the house which she was but he did not believe her.
He has tried to control her money too.
I am worried about her but she swears every thing is fine

[TOM-RO]

Hey @Lanny81 

Welcome to the forums.  It must be very worrying to find your daughter in such an seemingly unhealthy relationship.  It sounds like she's in a tough place, and it's tough for you because even though you know things aren't ok, she won't open up to you currently.  However, being there consistently an an open outlet of supportive for her is very important to maintain right now.  She may come to you if/when she's ready.  

Have you tried speaking to a counsellor about this.  I think you're from the UK,  so here is a link to phone counselling service to help in these scenarios.  We are here for you too 

[Lanny81]

Hey!
Thank you so much for the reply!
Yes it is tough for us as her parents because she is not the same girl.
Her emotions were a bit all over the place after her accident but she seemed to get back on her feet. Meeting him did lift her spirits a lot but he has not helped in the long run.
They broke up for a month and prior to that she still had a social life, but since they got back together she has changed so much. I tried to brush it off and get on with him for her sake but its hard. And the thing that has made me really realise that things are not "good" between them is this...
Following her accident she had to go for a medical. The medical was for her physical injuries but I mentioned her emotions being all over. When the medical report came back, the medical expert stated that she should be see a pyscologist. Due to her being an adult now, its up to her if I am present when she has this medical.
Her solicitors have asked If i want to write my own thoughts down so they could present this to the medical expert. So i have. I tried to leave her boyfriend out of it but when its written on paper, i have realised that yes, she was low after the accident but her emotional state has got gradually worse over the past 5 months. Since she reconciled with him!!
When its all written on paper, it makes so much sense.
Another thing that I have noticed is the fact that she claims to be happy with him and spending all her time with him but she gets upset when she sees her friends going out and enjoying themselves without her. Which tells me she is not happy and something is wrong.

[Janine-RO]

Hi @Lanny81 , 

It sounds like such an incredibly challenging time for you as a parent, seeing your child in a relationship that you can clearly see is unhealthy, but also having to respect the fact that she is an adult. You sound like such a switched on, and caring parent. I'm sure that in the long term that will serve you and your daughter well. 

I just thought I would link you to a few resources that we have about recognising signs of an abusive relationship, and helping teens to set healthy boundaries in their own relationships. Even if your daughter isn't ready to read those things now, I thought they may be helpful resources for you guys to have- unfortunately unhealthy relationships aren't uncommon, and a lot of other parents have been where you are at the moment. 

Signs of an abusive relationship 

help your teenager to develop boundaries 

It sounds like you and your daughter have a strong relationship, which is something that should be really protective for her. I'm also wondering if you're getting some support for yourselves at the moment? It must be an incredibly stressful time for you as parents.