Daughter in denial or lying

[Mominpain]

My 14 year old daughter has been seeing a therapist for well over 2 years now. At first it was to deal with bullying at her school and social anxiety because of it. When the pandemic hit she was alone in her room for hours and became depressed she expressed to a friend that she felt suicidal. That friend told her mom and the mom told us. At this point we made an emergency appt with her therapist. It was then determined that she was low risk and we did begin medication. The meds seemed to have helped. She went back to school enjoyed going let new friends and even a boyfriend. Things seem to be going great. A week ago she was not herself she was down I can always tell when she’s off. She said she was fine, didn’t want to talk about it, she could handle it herself. She gets even more upset when I continue to question her. Fast forward to the other day and I went through her phone. I found unpublished tik tok videos saying things like she did it, she fooled us all she convinced us all she’s fine. She states I win, I won. Next video is about saying you want to Kermit (slang for commit) but what is stopping you. Well her bf the love of her life. I have not addressed this as she is vacationing with her grandparents right now. I have reached out to her therapist and told her about the videos. We have an appt when my daughter gets back. The problem is if I tell her I saw her phone my husband feels she will be very upset and withdraw more. We also feel either way she will Just say she is fine she will say she gets stressed and then gets over it. But why the lying saying your fine, why the suicide fleeting thoughts. Should we confront her about the unpublished videos? Tell her I went through her phone? Risk her being more upset…

[Philippa-RO]

@Mominpain I’m so sorry for your pain, this is a very hard road to support your child through. Do you have support and people you can talk to?

I’m so glad that you’ve reached out for support here on the forums.

It's really protective that you have helped your daughter to access professional supports and you're working so hard to be there for her and to keep her safe.

You mention that your daughter is staying with her grandparents right now. Can I just check in about whether she is safe there? Do her grandparents know of the concerns you have and your daughter’s struggles with suicidal thoughts?

Knowing how to talk to teens about issues such as suicide is never easy, especially when they're struggling to share those thoughts with you.

We have some great resources on the ReachOut website that might be helpful if you're interested in reading some more about supporting your teenager to manage suicidal thoughts, how to talk to your teen about suicide and about social media and teenagers.

I hope this is helpful and please feel free to reach out here any time - we're here for you.

[Mominpain]

Thank you for responding. Her grandparents know a little but maybe not the severity. As I mentioned I looked at her phone right before she left so in trying not to spoil her trip we haven’t mentioned it. I also don’t know if I should bring up what I’ve saw. She is safe with them I know that for sure.

[Taylor-RO]

Hey @Mominpain, it is great to hear that your daughter is safe with her grandparents. I can hear that you are in a really difficult position. You mentioned feeling unsure about bringing up the unpublished videos. What option are you leaning towards? Is this something that you are able to discuss with the therapist before your daughter returns? It might be helpful for you to have a safe space to vent and chat through strategies as I imagine this must be stressful and upsetting for you as a parent. Please feel welcome to keep us updated

[Portia_RO]

Hi @Mominpain , how are you going? 

I've been thinking some more about your daughter's situation and I found it interesting that she chose not to publish the Tiktok videos that you found on her phone. Perhaps she is using these videos as a form of journalling? I know that when I was a teenager, I would journal regularly to express my thoughts and get them off my chest, and some of these were darker thoughts that I didn't want to discuss with my parents in case they became more concerned than I was. 

I can definitely see that you checked your daughter's phone from a place of love and concern, which is understandable since she's had some mental health challenges in the past. I also agree that bringing up the videos could damage the trust you have built with her since teenagers can be very protective of their privacy, and it may be best to have a conversation with her without mentioning the videos. I know that you've said she gets frustrated when you question her about what's going on, which makes having this kind of chat even more challenging. If you're interested, here are a few articles about asking questions to open your teen up to talking and some more subtle tips for finding out how your teen is going.

I can see that you're doing your very best during this tough time, and we are all thinking of you 

[Mominpain]

Thank you so much for your response. My husband and I also thought the videos could be an outlet in which she gets her frustrations out. When she was not herself last week she did say she figures it out her self and can cope and get herself out of it. The concern is that I just worry about the suicidal thoughts. It’s really devastating to me and I just want her to be ok. She is on medication. We may discuss uping the dosage she is currently on. Will that help I don’t know. She is still away so we have not been able to have any conversations about how she is feeling other than at times she feels stressed on vacation because she is rushed around. She also complaining of stomach pain on occasion and has vommited once while away and once before leaving. Is it anxiety? Something else?

[Taylor-RO]

Hi @Mominpain, thanks for responding. I know what you mean about feeling concerned - you are right for worrying about her safety. It is important for you to know this kind of information in order to keep her safe. There is often a balance between safety and privacy that parents have to juggle. As Portia has mentioned, it would be helpful to try and have a conversation about being open and sharing struggles so that you don't have to rely on looking in her phone for the accurate insider information. Maybe you could try to talk more about the specifics of how she takes care of it on her own? You might also be able to come up with a joint strategy that you can do together. Please know that you aren't alone - you aren't the only parent who has been in this situation. Stomach pain and vomiting can be associated with anxiety, though it is advisable for you to have this confirmed by the GP as there can be many causes and we are unable to give medical advice