Defiant and disrespectful or mentally ill 15 year old

[ljoe1965]

In the last month my daughter has become more defiant.  She suffers from depression and anxiety and takes medication daily.  She stopped taking her medication for about two months, and her behavior slowly changed and it became out of control when her close friend blocked her.  She became very upset with crying and screaming, which escalated to her stating she "could not be here anymore" and that she just wanted to die.  Mobile Crisis unit was called to the house and they deemed her as a danger to herself and she was admitted to the hospital and stayed one night.  I do not believe she is suicidal but there is something wrong with her as she does not seem to connect her actions to the outcome.   She was very rude to her friend, cursing and yelling, and then becomes upset when he blocks her.  

She has been taking her medication which was increased for two weeks now, and her behavior has improved.  She was actually logging into her online classes and doing some school work. However, she switched excessive use of the phone with watching movies that goes up to 2:00 am and she insists I stay up with her to watch the movies.   

The reason I am reaching out is that she had another major episode yesterday. She reached to friends in a group chat for the first time to tell them that she was back and feeling better.  The group of kids were happy that she was feeling better, but they asked for an apology for the way she treated them when she was off her medication- which was rude, with cursing and calling them names and wishing they would all die.   She became extremely upset and stated that she was not ready to apologize.  She was at a friends house when this occurred and she called me crying and ask that I come pick up her.  On the way home she asked me to pull over and I assumed she was sick and needed to get out the car.  When I pulled over she got out of the car and refused to get back in, we stood in a church parking lot for more than hour, while she screamed and told me to leave while using profanity.  I called her dad, and she spoke with him on the phone, and was screaming "I dont care" over and over.   I finally got her in the car and came home.   

 It has been difficult for me to provide discipline because I dont know if its her mental health and taking the TV, cell phones, or not allowing her to seen her friends will make things worse.  I actually have to encourage her to see friends, and asked her to watch TV to distract.   What should I do?

[Sophia-RO]

Hello @ljoe1965 , I am sorry to hear about what you have been going through with your daughter lately. It sounds like things have been very challenging. It is awesome that you are supportive of your daughter and that you are reaching out here for further support. It must have been tough for you when your daughter was admitted to the hospital when she was feeling suicidal. Has your daughter been seeing any professionals to help her manage these feelings and experiences of anxiety and depression? Sounds like it could be helpful for your daughter to speak to a counsellor or psychologist about some of the issues she has been having with her friends lately. Do you think that would be helpful?

I would agree with you that punishing your daughter by taking her cellphone and not letting her see her friends might make things worse. Have you had the chance to have a discussion with your daughter yet about your concerns? Would you be open to talking to her about limiting her cellphone use and maybe telling her that she needs to get off at a certain time instead of staying up on her phone?

I also just wanted to quickly let you know that I have had to edit some of your post details in order to fit in with our community guidelines 

[twiffy]

Hi, I read your post with much sympathy... I am not a parent, but myself in my teens was living at home and in similar challenging conflicts as you describe.  You talk about her coming off her medication and the descent that followed.. I was also on medication... do you know the dangers of coming off medication without a plan?   When I came off my medication through my own decision, I was not aware that there would be such dire consequences... whatever the medication was doing it was not condusive to sudden stopping... I became intensely anxious, hallucination wildly, staring out of the window with the sky flashing at me in different colours... I thought the world was about to end... I couldnt sleep and had the added affects of sleep deprivation which is a problem in itself - so that your daughter experienced suicidal feelings was no surprise to me... and how alful for her.. truly terrifying... I was taking taxis to friends houses, many miles away, incurring huge £100 bills for each journey, worrying my friends... so much so that they stopped communicating... it is terrible when one falls out with one's friends when one is in a psychological trauma... when friendships at that age is the undercurrent of one's stability.. the very core of it.... she lives at home... so that is good... and a little younger than I was at that terrible time....  so this should be fixed... and explained to her that if she comes off medication it will affect her dramatically for the worse... I had not undestood when they had explained I would become 'ill again' if I came of medication... perhaps she doesn't understand that the chemicals are doing something very particular to her brain (scary!) that they are relieving her of certain mental facilities so that she can concentrate on other areas of her life... a metaphor would be good... stop the car engine so that you can look under the bonnet and refil the oil... or something like that.... if you start the car before it is ready, then something significantly bad will occur.... medication is difficult to understand....  all this 'talking' in car parks after dark is good... the more out of the ordinary and off schedule the better.. she will remember these conversations... they will pay towards her trust in you....  it is as if you are really 'with her' on the bad trips... her companion... stay with it for as long as you can...  can you involve her with domestic occupation.. cooking... cleaning... you may be surprised at how she will become involved in a long arduous boring cleaning task.... something she can absorb herself in... and say 'let's work it off'.... its amazing how a mother is the centre of one's life... and project your belief of her onto her... for your own peace of mind as well... at this early stage of her life, she is likely for some kind of penny to drop... for some kind of memory to adjust itself.. for some kind of self affirmation to take hold... that she feels in control of her life to a certain extent...  and water... drink so much!!!   I hope you both do well, I recovered from a deep tormented teenage life... I am no sucess story, but I got to uni, got 2 degrees, and feel that I am a strong independent woman with a good future... I got it together in my early thirties.... so not long to go!   Best of luck... you are greater andmore important than you know. 

[Janine-RO]

Hi @twiffy , 

Thanks so much for sharing your experiences here, it can be so valuable to hear about other people's journeys. It sounds like you have been through so much in your life, and made it through some incredibly tough times, you sound like a very strong and resilient person. What do you think helped you to overcome the challenges that you faced?