Disrespect and attitude towards sex

[Oreo1976]

My 16 year old daughter recently broke up a one year relationship - I was always open and honest with her about sex and said my preference was for her to wait but ensuring she was safe was important and she could come to me at any time (without judgement) and we could go to the Dr (which she did later on) to get contraception. Time went by and after they had broken up I asked if they had had sex and she said no. I trusted her.

Three months down the track and there is a new boy on the scene that she works with and she insisted they were just friends - of course I was dubious, they seemed to adore each other and they both said they didn’t want a relationship. I have asked a few times for her to tell me the truth about whether their relationship had become physical in any way and she said no. Let’s call him Sam.

I am so confused as she is constantly wanting me to drive her to his house or spends hours on Snapchat and refers to boys who constantly send messages as “side hoes” but that Sam is her bestie.

Now just to make things more complicated - Sam appears to hook up with other girls at Parties etc and it does not bother her AT ALLso the whole “we are just special friends” line (although dubious) seemed to be right??……but my gut was telling me different.

Tonight she accidentally uploaded all her iCloud photos to our family account - yup - you guessed it. She had regular sex with boyfriend A and is engaged in regular sexual activity with Sam.

She has recorded, taken photos - all the evidence is there. Along with snapshots of messages I have sent her that she has clearly forwarded to her friends making fun of me and laughing about how stupid and gullible I am.

I should mention we have always had (well so I thought) an open and trusting relationship. I feel hurt, humiliated and disrespected and have no idea what to do from here.

Who is this person I’ve raised? I have horrible feeling if I confront her that she won’t care at all - just feeling so sad and alone right now

[Philippa-RO]

@Oreo1976 I’m so glad you posted here on the forums for support.

I can sense in your words how much sadness you’re feeling right now. It must have been quite a shock to find out that the things your daughter had been telling you weren’t an accurate reflection of what’s happening for her. It sounds like you’ve worked really hard to maintain an open and supportive relationship and this must have been a really painful situation for you.

I'm a parent to teens myself and it's not easy sometimes; these can be such confusing times for young people too - there's so much pressure on them from so many different directions.

I’m wondering – do you feel it would help to have a conversation with your daughter?

I imagine she’s feeling quite embarrassed right now as well.

There are some great tips about connecting and communicating, and sex and teenagers on our website that might be useful.

Also, I’m not sure if you have any concerns about your daughter sharing images, but there is some good information on the esafety website about sending images and sexting.

I really hope you and your daughter are able to heal and repair your relationship and we’re here for you any time you need to talk.

[JoBloggs123]

Hi there - I don't have any advice but just wanted to let you know I completely understand how you feel. I recently discovered my daughter has been telling me what I wanted to hear and sneaking around, even gloating to her friends on how she gets away with everything. They even say they learn from her as she is the master of sneaking around and that we are strict parents, which I don't believe we are at all, we just have standards. As far as I know she isn't in or been in any sexual activity but the feeling it leaves you with is extremely unpleasant and makes you question absolutely everything. 

I feel for you - It's hard. Please know you are not the only one.