Disrespectful lazy 19 year old boy

[Swijn001]

Hi after 4 months of taking disrespect from my son this includes his sitting me down 4 months ago and blaming me for everything. Not his father just me. Anyway with stress going on I finally had enough and yelled T him about how he is disrespectful, lazy. His attitude stinks etc. All the things that my husband and I have been saying but no one has told my son. I finally cracked. He is now not talking to me. Even when I ask him a specific question to do with his food. I have apologised for yelling at him. I don't want to apologise for what I said as I am sick of being a doormat and just taking it. What do I do?

[Taylor-RO · Accepted solution]

Hi @Swijn001, this situation sounds like it has been so painful for you to go through. It seems like it took a lot of courage to confront your son about how his behaviour has been affecting you. Have you had a chat about how to approach this situation with your husband? Sometimes it can help to have the other parent step in when situations are tense.

It might also be helpful to set boundaries with your son about what behaviour you expect from him. You could start by acknowledging how he is feeling at the moment but then mentioning what you expect from him. For example, 'I understand you are hurt and do not want to talk to me. If you would like to have your friends visit, you need to let me know beforehand'. I am also wondering if you have thought of seeking professional help for yourself and/or your family? It seems like there has been a lot of stress and tension within your family lately It might be beneficial to work through these issues with a professional.

Please keep us all updated.

[Ronan-RO]

Hey @Swijn001 ,

That sounds like a difficult situation for you.  On one hand you're sorry about yelling at your son, but on the other hand, you feel vindicated in what you said because you don't want to be a doormat.  What you did by standing up for yourself sounds very reasonable. You've apologised for yelling but not what you said.  That sounds absolutely fair on your part.  By doing this, you've placed a boundary that saying that it's not ok to be disrespected

Given the timeframe (4 months), it's possible your son has been taken back by your stance, as 4 months of this behaviour is long enough to feel somewhat normal.  If this is the case, he may not talk to you as he is processing how you responded.  This could take time.  It may behoove you to stand your ground and give him time to process, and eventually come back to you.  

[Swijn001]

Do I continue to ask him to do things even though he is showing absolutely not sign he is listening to me. 

I asked him the other day if he was going to food or would he like me to freeze it. He didn't acknowledge me at all. That in itself is disrespectful too. Do I let it go. Or say yes you can not talk to me but for things like that you need to give me an answer. He has the use of our second car and I said to my husband we should take it off him. He is still doing nothing around the house though.

[Swijn001]

He is still not talking to me after a week not even acknowledging if I speak to him regarding basic things. I haven't asked him to do anything. But asking basic things like is 'name' coming over on a particular night. He is not even acknowledging. He is worse. I am ready to kick him out and tell at him again. Last night he had to talk sort of to me as we played a game as a family. He was calling me by my first name. His brother picked him up on it and said no.
His disrespect has hit an all time low. Not coping. 😢

[Taylor-RO · Accepted solution]

Hi @Swijn001, this situation sounds like it has been so painful for you to go through. It seems like it took a lot of courage to confront your son about how his behaviour has been affecting you. Have you had a chat about how to approach this situation with your husband? Sometimes it can help to have the other parent step in when situations are tense.

It might also be helpful to set boundaries with your son about what behaviour you expect from him. You could start by acknowledging how he is feeling at the moment but then mentioning what you expect from him. For example, 'I understand you are hurt and do not want to talk to me. If you would like to have your friends visit, you need to let me know beforehand'. I am also wondering if you have thought of seeking professional help for yourself and/or your family? It seems like there has been a lot of stress and tension within your family lately It might be beneficial to work through these issues with a professional.

Please keep us all updated.

[Swijn001]

Thank you for your help. My husband doesn't see that it involves him too. Even though we have discussed it. I had a very heated discussion with my son. We both admitted we had hurt each other well I said it. He is going to do things if I put them on the calendar. Not holding my breath though. At least we are talking. Thank you for your support and suggestions. Amazing support system to have.