Hi there @Oceanentity . Thank you for joining us ! So glad to hear you are doing the parent coaching program . I have heard it is enormously helpful . I really feel for you . We have trouble with our 17 year old and we are a two parent family ! I just can't imagine how hard it would be to parent alone and with a Dad who is perhaps not on the same page . I know quite a few lovely , caring , intelligent , educated separated parents who have the same issues because they are not regularly involved in parenting together and do not have a joint plan . It can make parenting consistently very hard to achieve . The kids know it and play each parent off the other . It must be so exasperating and tiring !!
Some questions to ask yourself and ponder on , and perhaps discuss with her :
Has anything changed recently that could be a trigger for her defiance and anger ?
Is she happy at school and with her lot in life in general ?
Ask about her friends . Has she had fallings out with people at school ?
How does she find her social media life ? Does she feel respected and safe online ?
Is there any bullying going on ?
How is her school work going ?
How are things with her and Dad ?
You can find an opaque way to approach these subjects . Being indirect is the best approach with teenagers .
Wait until she is in a good head space and you are going through a " getting along phase " and ask her what is going on for her when you say " No "to her demands . Ask her how it makes her feel . Validate her feelings without agreeing with her . She has a right to her perspective even if she still has to comply .
Then tell her how it makes you feel when she storms out of the house and does not come back or respond to your texts .
Tell her it makes you feel fearful and vulnerable as a Mum , not knowing where she is or if she is ok . Tell her the feeling is like when she was lost for a short while as a child and couldn't find Mum - Remember that ? - that panicky moment when you don't feel safe or peaceful anymore but anxious and stressed ." Where is my Mum / daughter ! "'
Tell her that the police will track her down to know where she is if you feel worried and let them know she hadn't told you where she is . Parents don't have to wait 24 hours for teens to be missing anymore before they are searched for . She is only 14 they will take that very seriously .
Tell her you don't want that to happen for her - it would be embarrassing and a little dramatic as she will probably be ok but it will be your only course of action ( as much as you don't want to do it ) if she fails to contact you .
I understand your need to avoid a confrontation ! Boy do I work to avoid it with my mouthy belligerent daughter who really pushes my buttons . Avoid as much as you can but don't let her rule the roost .
Find her currency - whatever she values take away from her , but make sure she knows what will happen BEFORE she commits the crime . Don't threaten it , shout it or argue it , just calmly tell her the consequences of not doing what she's told . It needs to be clear , consistent , predictable and ongoing . Keep your voice at the same level and tone as she gets louder and angrier . She will up the anti , stay calm but firm . It's ok to show your displeasure just not lose your temper - usually ends in escalation and overreaction and tears all around .
If she won't talk to you about what is going on , get her to see a counsellor and ask her permission to be able to talk to the counsellor to see what YOU need to change in your interactions with her to improve your relationship . If she feels you are willing to learn and change , and are humble about it , she may be open to you knowing what she talked to the counsellor about - This depends on the child / parent dynamic . Some don't want you to mention anything others are more open if they do not fear the parent' s response .
I have experienced both in my practice .
Let us know how you go ! 🙏
