Guidance

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Guidance

What should i be doing when i haven't allowed my 14 year old daughter to go out during the day ( i did allow her the day before ) we have been getting along very well but as soon as she is told no she gets angry ,verbally aggressive , storms out of the house and i have no hope of stopping her as she runs down the street to catch the bus. In the past I've tried driving to follow her and she makes the biggest scene yelling. i hate confrontations and can't stand arguments. she's much bigger in height and size than i am also so there is absolutely no way i can physically stop her. She will then ignore all my calls or texts.eventually she will come home and act like she has done nothing. i ground her as best i can after these events but she then defies this by going out after school anyway.the only way i probably would have control would be taking her phone away but her father whom i have been separated from for 5 years and lives in Victoria pays for her phone. Getting the phone away from her turns into a not so nice scenario i choose to avoid. I feel because i chose not to confront her anger she may see me as weak and is taking advantage maybe of this ? should i be stopping her actively ? i DO take things away form her if she goes out without permission but after sometime she doesn't care if she doesn't get "stuff " she wants like makeup etc. She's 14 and in my eyes shouldn't be out anywhere without an adult knowing where she is or what she's doing . i feel i should have control over where she can and can't go ..but are powerless presently to stop or control it. I'm scared she will be at risk of being hurt by someone ? i don't know.

what can i do ? 

Super contributor

Re: Guidance

Hi @Oceanentity Thank you so much for sharing your situation with us. I'm so sorry things are so hard at the moment. It's such a hard situation to be in when you feel like you have to implement certain boundaries and restrictions but you know it means full-on conflict if you do or full-on fear and concern about their safety if you don't.

I know, for me, when I was in a very similar situation with my then 13-year-old daughter I had to make a decision to completely change my approach. It was that moment of "ok, this is absolutely not working for anyone and I can see this is going to get worse. Let's stop and take stock." I needed to work out what I was trying to achieve and what my daughter was trying to achieve. Then I had to work out how we could meet in the middle. I also needed help finding some strategies that worked.

 

Have you seen our coaching service? It's completely free, delivered over the phone by trained professionals and is amazing at helping you come up with strategies and solutions that make a difference straight away.

If you click here you can check it out. 

 

Let us know what you think.

 

 

Active scribe

Re: Guidance

hi , yes I'm having coaching and it was recommended i look at and consider participating in the forums. 

Parent Peer Supporter

Re: Guidance

Hi @Oceanentity, thank you for sharing. Raising teens can be so tricky, but I'm sure you will get some fabulous guidance and tools to use immediately from the coaching. 

 

When I have some quiet time, I'll come back to you, as I've had similar troubles to you. Things can change Smiley Happy

Prolific scribe

Re: Guidance

Hi there @Oceanentity . Thank you for joining us ! So glad to hear you are doing the parent coaching program . I have heard it is enormously helpful . I really feel for you . We have trouble with our 17 year old and we are a two parent family ! I just can't imagine how hard it would be to parent alone and with a Dad who is perhaps not on the same page . I know quite a few lovely , caring , intelligent , educated  separated parents who have the same issues because they are not regularly involved in parenting together and do not have a joint plan . It can make parenting consistently very hard to achieve . The kids know it and play each parent off the other . It must be so exasperating and tiring !! 

Some questions to ask yourself and ponder on , and perhaps discuss with her : 

Has anything changed recently that could be a trigger for her defiance and anger ? 

Is she happy at school and with her lot in life in general ? 

Ask about her friends . Has she had fallings out with people at school ? 

How does she find her social media life ? Does she feel respected and safe online ? 

Is there any bullying going on ? 

How is her school work going ? 

How are things with her and Dad ? 

You can find an opaque way to approach these subjects . Being indirect is the best approach with teenagers . 

Wait until she is in a good head space and you are going through a " getting along phase " and ask her what is going on for her when you say " No "to her demands . Ask her how it makes her feel . Validate her feelings without agreeing with her . She has a right to her perspective even if she still has to comply .

Then tell her how it makes you feel when she storms out of the house and does   not come  back or respond to your texts .

Tell her it makes you feel fearful and vulnerable as a Mum , not knowing where she is or if she is ok . Tell her the feeling is like when she was lost for a short while as a child and couldn't find Mum - Remember  that ? -  that panicky moment when you don't feel  safe or peaceful anymore but anxious and stressed ." Where is my Mum / daughter ! "'

Tell her that  the police will track her down to know where she is if you feel worried and let them know she hadn't told you where she is .  Parents don't have to wait 24 hours for teens  to be missing anymore before they are searched for . She is only 14 they will take that very seriously . 

Tell her you don't want that to happen for her - it would be embarrassing and a little dramatic as she will probably be ok but it will be your only course of action ( as much as you don't want to do it ) if she fails to contact you . 

I understand your need to avoid a confrontation ! Boy do I work to avoid it with my mouthy belligerent daughter who really pushes my buttons . Avoid as much as you can but don't let her rule the roost . 

Find her currency - whatever she values take away from her , but make sure she knows what will happen BEFORE she commits the crime .  Don't threaten it , shout it or argue it , just calmly tell her the consequences of not doing what she's told . It needs to be clear , consistent , predictable  and ongoing . Keep your voice at the same level and tone as she gets louder and angrier . She will up the anti , stay calm but firm . It's ok to show your displeasure just not lose your temper - usually ends in escalation and overreaction and tears all around . 

 

If she won't talk to you about what is going on , get her to see a counsellor and ask her permission  to be able to talk to the counsellor to see what YOU  need to change in your interactions with her to improve  your relationship . If she feels you are willing to learn and change , and are humble about it , she may be open to you knowing what she talked to the counsellor about - This depends on the child / parent dynamic . Some don't want you to mention anything others are more open if they do not fear the parent' s response . 

I have experienced both in my practice . 

Let us know how you go ! 🙏

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Prolific scribe

Re: Guidance

Hey there @Oceanentity i think it's absolutely great that you're working through the coaching process. Would love to hear a bit about what you're exploring in coaching- only if you want to share. We've also given you a bunch of ideas to explore in this thread so far.

 

Let us know if there's anything you'd like to explore a little more or have a go at Smiley Happy 

 

Thanks again for sharing!

Parent Peer Supporter

Re: Guidance

Hi @Oceanentity, checking in to see how you are. I hope you've been able to begin the coaching. The coaches are fabulous.

 

I haven't forgotten about you! I'd noticed that you'd read and liked a comment of mine in a different thread, which really covers what I was going to go over here. I hope you found something in it that was useful. Feel free to come back with any questions or in need of help or support. We're here for a rant too.