HELP! At a loss and super worried.

[Sandee]

Hello @Sunshine72 

@it does sound like things maybe improving at your end which is great. It’s so go that he has signed up for a trade that’s one thing I’m hoping for.

There mental health is a concern so I totally understand your worries I have them too.

See your not giving in and persistence is paying off I can hear it in your post and that’s huge and such a credit to you , well done. I know your exhausted but there are some real positives there which I can see as an outsider looking in.

It’s hard when they say they don’t know if they will be home if they only knew the anguish it causes us and the worry.

I feel my son is still a long way off maturing and still won’t go to school won’t talk about picking another school or trade or even talk about a job. Ijust wonder if this is life now which is hard to accept as a parent as you want the best for them and his choices are just going to make things harder for him in the long run but they are his choices so we need to let him make them and just be there to pick up the pieces if it all falls apart. That’s not was that’s for sure.

You sound stronger and more positive which I’m so happy about 

keep up the amazing work because it is making a difference xx

[Sandee]

Oh and yes we used to live in another state but my son doesn’t want to move back as we have even considered that. To 

be honest I really don’t think he knows what he wants six

[Sunshine72]

@Sandee,
Life is so short and we deserve to be happy and sadly we’re not. I feel like our life is on hold and as selfish as it may sound, I don’t like it and feel like life is wasting away!
…
There I said it.

[Sunshine72]

@Sandee,

Just checking in. How did coming home go? How are you?
Thinking of you. xx

[Sandee]

Hello @Sunshine72 

Hope are you ? Your sons room sounds just like my sons just without the spray paint. I hear you re escaping but it doesnt help that much because it doesnt change whats happening. I get to go because of Mum but I still am in it every day with phone calls tantrums and texts.

Im with you now re the responding like I dont care because to be perfectly honest im over it. I mean obviously I do care but im so sick of it now that I am not putting up with the abuse any more.  

I got home last night and when I walked in he did come down say hi and gave me a hug. First physical contact I have had with him in ages. It was nice but didnt last long. They went to the gym ( which he has just started doing again) and I went up into my room to unpack. I noticed a few things looked like they had been moved so im 100% sure the other day when he had his friends over including girls while hubby was at work they went thru my stuff. 

Any way I went into his room and it was filthy so I just tidied up a bit as it's a new house and he is wrecking it. I messaged him to ask him to please only use 1 bath towel as he had 4 in his room wet and on the carpet. He said they were his friends and his dad should have cleaned them . He then said dont go thru my room so I replied I just tided it a bit as it was filthy . He said it's not filthy and I can clean my own room so I said thats great cause it needs it thanks. He replies just stop arguing. He then proceeded to tell his dad that he hates us . He keeps asking for money because he says he is losing weight which he is not and there is plenty of food so again we tell him we will give you money if you go to school or you may need a job. He is 15 and shouldn't be going to catch up with mates when he is meant to be at school so as if im going to fund that.

Anyway didnt go to school again today so there is no hope now. I am giving up Im not giving him any money but im not being held hostage by him anymore. I am so sick of putting our lives on hold to see what he is demands are .He can come and go as he wishes and hopefully at some point he may wish to talk to us or someone else about moving forward but until then I am done.

Sorry not the most positive post but im really over it now. Now its on him.

[Sunshine72]

@Sandee,

I take my hat off to you. You are very strong. I really admire the way you are handling it all. It's so hard yet your consistent and taking a stand. Well done! So right not to put up with the abuse. The swearing we get and I just keep saying, "Please do not speak that way." I feel like a broken record. 

Wow, he said 'hi' and you got a hug. That's HUGE! I keep saying, 'I love you.' but I don't get anything back. And he went to the gym again. That's so good. There is no chance our son would do something with us. Heaven forbid! 

Oh dear, that's not good to hear about your room. My hubby hides his wallet not that he's taken any money that we know of but he doesn't need the temptation.  Do your cameras show who came to the house?  Honestly I felt like I was typing when you said wet towels on the floor. I've said the same regarding the carpet, but there's no care. Still has food containers and cans of empty drink on the floor that have dripped out. Empty packets of food. It's disgusting! I get the same comment, "I can clean my room myself!" and "Don't go through my stuff."  Um...then clean it cause it doesn't happen. I'm surprised your son said his dad should have cleaned them???   Where do our boys come up with these ideas?  Saying they hate us.  Wouldn't it be great if they just spoke to us to tell us what it is they hate and what they think should be happening?  To get a discussion started. So easy for them to lay blame when we don't even know what they are thinking?!? 

You're totally right, the escaping won't help anything. I am just dreading home but being away won't make anything better. I too hate having my life on hold but when you have someone who has no regard for the law, lies to you and just wants to argue about everything, it makes it hard waiting around to pick up the pieces. However, it's amazing how nice they can be when they want something and the broken promises they make.   

Keep being strong, you're doing so well. xx

[Sandee]

@Sunshine72

Im not that strong just copped a mouth full from my loving son . He came in and said im going to stay at a mates house I asked who and he said as if im going to tell you as you wont give me any money . Then proceeded to tell me im blanked and should just leave again. Nice . I just kept saying please dont speak to me like that and asked him to walk away and if he would like to talk to me calmly I would be happy to listen. He was getting so frustrated as I was not arguing with him he started throwing papers and yelling. I tried calmly to explain re school that it is only affecting him not us .

Came back down again and said ok I will go to school just give me money. I said you have said that to me multiple times and havent gone. He was a little teary but I kept my ground. He started carrying on again and I said please stop talking to me like that . Eventually he goes sorry I will go to school. Mind you it wasn't in a nice way. I said ok but im trusting you I will give you money for dinner but you will need to show me Monday that you go. He has to have the last say and I let him

I have to try but im not silly either if he doesnt go then all bets are off and I will be dropping his phone plan to the bare basics which will dramatically reduce how much data he has until he gets a job

[Sunshine72]

Well done you @Sandee for staying strong and not arguing. It does frustrate them (and I find it calms them) when we don’t argue back.

Has he told you where he’s staying? It amazes me how they tell us what they’re doing and not ask. My son hardly even talks to me but if he does talk it’s always telling not asking.

I picked him up from school today and drove him to work. No thank you, no conversation in the car even if I try, no effort, just head buried in his phone. Mind you he never wants anything from us or anything to do with us. Maybe I should have said no to the lifts as he usually never wants us to do anything.
Anyway he didn’t speak in the car except he told me not to pick him up after work. Charming!

Do you think he’ll go to school on Monday? Does he know your intentions with the phone? I hope it works out. I have fingers and toes crossed. Here comes the weekend. Dreading it already!

[Sandee]

@Sunshine72
No when i asked again who he was staying with he said not sure yet. Im not going to keep asking because he probably wont tell me the truth. I said here is $15 for dinner he took it and i said umm thankyou he mumbled thanks.
He was still angry as thinks we are starving him but thats ok he will calm down. He needs help to regulate his anger but until he asks we cant do much.
Re school i doubt he will go but i have to try and trust what he says. He was told a while ago re his phone but we would cut it off just pay care minimum
I have no expectations anymore its on him now so we will see.
I know he will go to one of his friends but i cant control that so i just have to accept it. Not easy but we have no choice.
We think even though he was carrying on that its finally starting to sink in but dont get me wrong im not expecting a complete 360 thats for sure. We are just not reacting anymore like we used to.

I think you should still do the lifts because thats showing him you do care and even though he might say otherwise i bet deep down he knows it. They like to have power over us im sure of it.
Anyway it will be a long night but at least it will be peaceful and no verbal abusive emotional blackmail.
I have my fingers crossed for the weekend for both of us xx