HELP! At a loss and super worried.

[Sunshine72]

Hi @Sandee,

How are you doing? How did the weekend go? I hope you’ve had some more wins and that you and hubby are doing ok?

It’s been quiet here in terms of our son coming home late, going to sleep then out the door at the crack of dawn. No conversation and if I try and say anything he just snaps back angrily. I asked if he could be home at 5pm today being a Sunday and we got ‘we’ll see’ and he showed at 7pm. I could go on but it’s all negative. I just don’t know what else to do. Im pretty fed up. Yes he came home but seriously everyday is a lucky dip with a double dose of attitude or silence.

When I think about it I’m like a slave, making lunches for school and doing dinners and doing his washing and ironing that he just throws on the floor anyway, mixing dirty with clean clothes, charging his computer, charging his phone charger, packing his bag, laying out his breakfast and school clothes. Why do I do it? Because he doesn’t bother. He wouldn’t take food, he’d go without charge, he’d wear dirty clothes. He says he doesn’t care and I don’t believe he doesn’t care but I’m starting too. Asking him 5 times every morning to get up. Im sick of my own voice asking him to get up. I’m on autopilot and I’m hating it all and really wondering where all this is leading. He’s doing the wrong things and I know it. Everyday is like a time bomb waiting to explode. Sorry I just needed that vent. Negative I know but I’m struggling to see the silver lining. Will it ever come. What life does he want for himself? Has assessments due but can’t be bothered. His words. Thinks everyone is an idiot. Hates this, hates that! I’m starting to relate cause I’m hating this whole situation. I’m sounding selfish again but my husband and I matter too! We give and give and give and support and encourage and never shout and use positive encouragement and catch any opportunity to praise him but everything is met with a kick in the teeth.

Then If I even suggest he say please or thank you he hits the roof! I’m Just soooo frustrated (and clearly tired). And actually I am saddened and admittedly embarrassed with the behaviour. And I’m embarrassed that I’ve admitted that I’m embarrassed.

Better sign off and keep living in hope for a better day tomorrow. Sadly the saying ‘nothing changes, nothing changes’ is always at the back of my mind. Hence I try different approaches but am always met with hostility and anger.
Time to tell myself some positives before I dig deeper into this hole!

Hope you had a much better weekend. x

[Sandee]

@Sunshine72 im reading this and it breaks my heart as i can hear and feel the sadness in your post.
Im so sorry you both are going thru this too xx
You do alot for your son with making lunches setting his clothes out making sure everything has charge and washing washing washing , i get it if they only knew just a simple thanks would be life changing.
So ill say thanks for all you do for him and i believe deep down he does appreciate it. Alot of parents would have given up by now but you havent and that is such a credit to you and just proves what a terrific mum you are. You show up for him every day you are amazing !!
Parenting i believe is one of the hardest jobs around.
My hubby and i went for a walk this morning and ran into some old friends of mine who were up here for the weekend. Well the stories they told me about their son at our sons age sounded so very similar and he is now doing well, that has to give us hope.
Our son didnt get home till around 9pm last night I was hoping he would be back earlier but he replied to us each time we messaged.
He went out again today asked saying please to get a lift and said thanks which was great. He called at 5 pm tonight to see if we could pick him up which he did. He didnt seem to be too happy so not sure what transpired today. It could be because school tom or maybe an argument with his girlfriend not sure. He spoke when we talked to him but didnt seem happy. He went straight up to his room came down ate dinner with us then straight back up so not sure what is going on and im not going to push it will just see what happens tom.
Are you and your hubby going out on the weekends ? Even just for a walk or lunch?
I know its not easy as this is so consuming but i feel we need to get our lives back a bit i think it helps.

Im thinking of you and im worried because you sound down and i know what thats like Its not a nice place to be. But remember you are an amazing mum. You are not alone, im here and you can vent anytime xx

[Sunshine72]

Thanks@Sandee, for all your kindness and encouraging words. Apologies as I was having a rant. Yes lots of sadness and worry! I really really don’t need any thanks from him, I just want him to be safe, responsible (which he’s not) and a good person (I’m scared he’s not).
It’s definitely encouraging to hear the friends you ran into say their child came out the other side. I have a friend here who had a terrible time with her child and shared her stories with me. It really affected her marriage but again they all came out the other but lots of blood, sweat amd tears.

Everyone says they do and I clutch to that too, but let’s face it (here comes my pessimism again -sorry) but there’s a part of our population that are not good people, that break the law, that are in jail, that can’t support themselves, that have no respect or remorse, that are unkind and that’s what I’m scared of. My gut tells me there’s something more with my son. I know his mental health isn’t right otherwise he wouldn’t have all this conduct disorder. Yes we don’t give up but it’s so draining. We all have a threshold and I get scared. So much going on.


I am however so happy to read your news. That puts a smile on my face. So glad he’s responding and speaking a bit. Coming home, responding to messages. All wins. It’s so lovely to hear he has a girlfriend. My son was so much happier when he had one but unfortunately he lost that opportunity. You’ve done the right thing giving him some space. He knows you’re there for him. I have my fingers and toes crossed he goes to school tomorrow.

Hope you get a good nights sleep and thank you again. It means a lot. xx

[Sandee]

@Sunshine72 please dont apologise thats what we are here for to support each other so vent away.
I know we get told they come back eventually and i must admit i get a bit sick of hearing that as its hard to believe when your in the thick of it.

I also know that it has def affected our marriage even though we try so hard not to let it it has a bit but hopefully we can ride it out.
I too think my sons mental health is not great and i worry about that so i just keep trying to remember that when i get extremely frustrated or annoyed.
I too fear what if he goes the wrong way and things get worse but im learning to allow those thoughts as pushing them away is like trying to push a beach ball under water it just comes back twice as hard. Anxiety i believe is what causes those thoughts but thats just my opinion.
Its extremely draining i agree and i wish we and others weren't going thru this xx
I hope tomorrow is a better day for you xx

[Sunshine72]

@Sandee, you’re a very wise woman and I admire your outlook.

I think that I think the worst sometimes as a protection mechanism so that if things go wrong I’m prepared/not shocked. Not the best outlook but one I have become conditioned to.

Your analogy of a beach ball underwater is so true and a good way of looking at accepting our thought processes.

You and your hubby are united and strong so you have a solid foundation. The added pressure to our marriages due to our situations is inevitable but being aware of it and keeping comms open with our partners I feel is vital. Giving each other permission to feel angry/frustrated/sad/whatever feeling is important and always remembering it’s a reaction to the situation not attacks on each other.

Let’s hope for good days tomorrow xx

[Sunshine72]

Hi @Sandee,

I’ve been thinking of you all day. How was your day. xx

[Sandee]

Hello @Sunshine I was just coming on to see how your day was how funny we are in sync.

Good here today my son went to school late but he went . He messaged me asking if he had to sit the exam as he hasnt learnt any of it due to not going and I said just give it a go . He wasnt keen as didnt want to get a bad grade which is odd as he didnt care before. Anyway my hubby called the school and they said tell him to try because its his attendance that is the biggest issue. So as far as I know he did it.

He then asked if a few friends could come over and I said yes who he mentioned 1 boy and 3 girls . He said dont worry it's not my girlfriend I need to get them to help me with something important. I said ok just make sure your room is tidy and the door stays open.

He then came down and said they are nearly here and I said ok he then told me he needs help breaking up with his girlfriend . I said is everything ok he said yes just sick of the lies she has told. I didnt press it I just said well if you need any advice im always here and im a girl and I said thats a shame but there are plenty more girls out there and he says yes I have my eye on one already. I just laughed. Thats the most communication we have had in ages.

Anyway the mate showed up and we know him then the 3 girls came in and my son introduced them and they all seemed nice.

Im taking today as a huge win. Im not sure he will still keep going to school but this is better than what we have had so im very happy.

How are things at your end? Did your son go to school today? Did you have to work today?

I have been thinking about you all day hoping your feeling better than the weekend xx

[Sunshine72]

@Sandee,

Wow, wow and wow! I’m so happy about your news. That’s just wonderful, not only that he went to school but the communication and that he was happy to talk to you about things. Such great news.

How thoughtful too that he’s trying to work out a way to let his girlfriend know it’s time to call it quits. Lots of thought there and shows he cares about people’s feelings.

What a successful day. That’s fantastic!!!

Yes I went to work and my son begrudgingly went to school (but he went). Got Home and straight into his room then went off to work. Hasn’t tidied anything in his room as requested but gotta choose my battles. Not much talk except School are letting students do some work experience before the year finishes so I think he’ll take that option. My husband dropped him to work and he seems keen to try that. Is that a win? Just wants out of school me thinks. Who knows. He’s anti everything. We’ll see what the rest of the night brings.

I’m just so happy that your day was so positive. Yay!!!!

[Sandee]

@Sunshine72  yay thats awesome at least he is keen to do the work experience and what a good idea from the school too.

My sons room wasnt tidy either when he went to school but as you said id rather tidy his room then have him not go to school so you are right pick our battles.

Its such a big positive that he still goes to school has a job and now is thinking about the work experience option thats so good.

Im sitting here listening to the chaos ( noise) upstairs  and they have left the door open yay but as long as they are happy im good xx

[Sunshine72]

@Sandee,

That’s great that he respected your instruction to keep the door open and so lovely that he has friends over and by speaking with you it sounds like he is much happier too.
All so promising. Love it.

Yes it’s good that my son is going to school but he’s not completing the work. He says he can’t be bothered, sees it as pointless but yes he has made some effort with the work experience. My concern as always is the things he’s doing on the weekends, the illegal behaviour, disrespect and care factor. Anyway I have to try and keep my mind off all these things - not convinced that ignorance is the right solution but constantly thinking about it isn’t good either.

Enjoy the happy sounds upstairs. I’m over the moon that it’s been a positive day for you all. You’re perseverance and love are paying off. Xx