HELP! At a loss and super worried.

[Sandee]

Hello @Sunshine72 Thanks it's been a hard weekend emotionally. I just got back home now but feel I am only just starting to grieve as its very final now.

Oh wow you have def had a crap weekend. Im so sorry he is being so difficult. It's almost impossible to do anymore than what you are doing. 

What do you think would happen if you just left him do you think he would notice that you're not trying  as much and maybe care that you're not? Im not sure but maybe sometimes he takes everything out one you because you are so caring but I have no clue either as we have days like that too.

You both need to take care of each other. He will do what he wants anyway regardless of how hard you try.It sounds like he really thinks you are trying to control him and he is pushing back hard but thats not the case you are just concerned where he is and that he is ok. It's so sad that we live like this as it's easily fixed. If he talked to you maybe you could both agree on a time to come home maybe that way he would be more likely to stick to it but again if he wont talk then its almost impossible.

Have you ever been able to talk to him long enough to ask him what he expects of you both as parents? Im sure he wouldnt want you to give up on him deep down even though he makes out like he wants to be left alone.

I wish they knew that they have many years ahead of them to make decisions like that but unfortunately at this age they think they know everything.

I know how hard it is and I wish I could change things xxx

[Sunshine72]

Hi @Sandee, 

You've been so busy and go go go so please be sure to allow yourself to grieve. 

You are very right in saying that he will do whatever he wants regardless. Sad but true. I just can't see how he thinks this is okay. What I have discovered is that anytime we have sat down in the past to try and discuss how he has been feeling, we have always come to the party with negotiating. We have always worked with him to discuss phone times and coming home times being in your room times and together we have come to agreements.

We always take into consideration his ideas and thoughts. So we finally both agreed from 8pm to 10pm curfew one night on the weekend. He then said maybe sometimes it might be till 11pm, so we said okay, but not every weekend but yes okay.  We also said if you've got a party to go or a special occasion then ofcourse we're happy to extend the time. (The reality is he doesn't go to parties and is out on the streets doing wrong things - which is another issue in itself). Anyway for a while it turned into 11pm every sat night, then every friday night and then past 11pm every friday and saturday night, and if we brought it up, it was, why do you stalk me, just let me come home when I want. 

We agreed to coming out of his for an hour a night to eat/sit with/do an activity with the family.  We went from 8pm phone off to 9pm then 10pm then none. He pushes it everytime, even when we negotiate it together and that's how we've got to where to we are because he now has no regard for any of them. There are no consequences available. What can we do if he doesn't come downstairs for an hour (which he doesnt). What can we do that he doesn't come home by curfew? What can we do that he has his phone (well this one we could switch off internet) but he has runaway and left before when we've done that, so he'll do that again. It's like we are held hostage in our own house.  I feel like the negotiating so we came up with them together was always a win for him and we put ourselves in this position because now there's no going back. 

Yes when we spoke about what he wants from us as parents (some time ago) he said, 'I want you leave me alone.' 'I don't want anything.' 'I don't want you to care about me.' This wasn't said in anger, but it's what he said. I explained that I hear what you are saying you want. I hope you understand that I have what i want too and being your parent I can't just leave you alone and because I love you I will always care about you. 

I don't know how we can be involved less with him than we already are. He comes home, goes to his room, sleeps, gets up and goes out. If we call or text him or speak to him when he's home we either get no response or an angered rude response. We feel at a loss as everything needs to be on his terms. 

I love that you're making suggestions so please do keep them coming if you think of any ways to approach them. I'd happily discuss them with him again but at the moment there is zero communication. So we will continue to stay backed off. One day at a time and hopefully something will change. At the moment it's no steps forward and three steps backwards. 

How are things at home with your son? How is he feeling about the acceptance from the new school? 

Take care of yourself xx

PS. Hubby and I went out last night and it was nice to escape for a bit. xx

[Sandee]

Hello @Sunshine72 no wonder your exhausted you have tried everything. I wish i had some insight for you but i dont. I think you and your hubby are doing an amazing job and homestly i dont think you can do any more than what you are doing.
You are constantly letting him know how much you love and care for him and thats all you can do as you can ot control what he does.
My hubby said its like we are a hotel and our son is a guest , coming and going when he feels like it.

I havent seen him yet as he is not home. He stayed home last night and had a mate stay. I will start texting him shortly about coming home.
I wish we could blink and these teenage years were over
Im thinking of you and hope you are ok xx

[Sunshine72]

@Sandee,

Thank you for always being there and for being so kind AND putting up with me which is so selfish considering all you’re going through. 🙏🏼 please take care of yourself and hubby and I hope when he gets home that you’re evening is ok. Xx.

You’re husband is spot on. We feel the same. A hotel where he comes and goes, does what he pleases.

Blinking to the future would be good but that’s wishing our life away and I’m a little frightened about what the future looks like.

Get some rest as we navigate what life throws us this week. xx

[Sunshine72]

Hi @Sandee,

How are you? Just checking in to see how you are doing? Hope you’re ok. Thinking of you. xxx

[Sandee]

Hello @Sunshine72 How are you going?

We are ok here. Things havent been too bad actually I think getting into that school has helped but again only time will tell. My son still isnt going back to the old school as I think he feels its not necessary now he is in the one he wanted next year.

We still keep trying to get him to go but it's not working . At least there are no fights over it now which is great. Communication is ok still a long way to go but better than before which is awesome. Dont get me wrong there are still outbursts when things dont go his way but its not as bad right now. Ima almost too scare to write this because as soon as I do I fear it may change lol

How are things at your end? Did you sn come home on time sunday night? Is he going to school? 

I hope things are better for you xxx

[Sunshine72]

Hi @Sandee, 

I am so pleased to hear that things have not been too bad. That's great news! I know they still might not be perfect but it's so good to hear that things are ok. Especially with everything else that you're dealing with and I hope you are taking time to grieve. 

I can't blame your son for not bothering to go back to the old school. I guess it kind of makes sense for him that there's no point. I can see where he's coming from. Also good news that the arguments have settled down. Clearly school - well that school was a trigger for him. Hoping the new school is all he hopes it will be. 

On our end....hmmm, I feel my messages have all been very negative of late and sadly I don't have any good news to report. Yes he's still going to school. He is still refusing to talk to or acknowledge me. Ignores me completely and if I speak to say hello he just stares straight through me. He still has angry outbursts but he's talking 'at times' albeit it a few words to hubby (usually when he needs something), so at least there is still a thin thread of connection. That's the only positive I can report. In saying that I don't know how long it will last. 

I am getting better with my anxiety, perhaps cause I have somewhat disconnected, what choice do I have. At least I am eating and sleeping and have better focus at work. The situation is very sad but I keep reminding myself that I can keep trying for a connection but the ball is in his court. He's definitely calling the shots which isn't ok and does what he wants but I can't hold him down. He's going to have to deal with the consequences of the way he treats people and at home we will only continue to tolerate it whilst he is under our roof and underage. 

I hope because things are calmer at yours that it gives you all the opportunity to connect more. I am very hopeful for you all. It's so good to hear.  

I have managed to secure an appointment with a therapist next week for me so we'll see how that goes. 

Hope you have lots more positives coming your way. It's all sounding very promising and is wonderful to hear. xxx

[Sandee]

Hello
I understand the disconnect as im the same and to be honest i seemed to be able to cope with it alot better as soon as i did.
Its good at least he is talking even a little bit to your hubby. Our son did that too talk to one and not the other.
Im glad your eating and sleeping better as well as coping better at work. I feel thats a positive and you are right you cant do anymore than you are doing.
I think we both had to learn to let go of what we had hoped our sons would be like. I know i did and it was the most difficult thing i have ever done and the saddest. Even harder when you see other families.

Things are a bit better here baby steps for sure. My son asked if 2 of his friends could come around ( girls) i said yes just no food upstairs and the door stays open. I was in the study when they got here he brought them in to say they were here and they were very polite.
Again another positive. Im getting a bit of conversation some please and thank yous as well and if he forgets i try and prompt him saying please until he mumbles it lol
He is only 15 so i know we still have a long way to go so im just playing it as it comes at the moment.
I am very much aware that things can go bad again as soon as something doesnt go his way. He just really struggles handling his emotions.
Please never worry if you think your being negative im sure alot of my previous posts have been and lets face it we need each other to vent so vent anytime xx

[Sandee]

Hello @Sunshine72 

Just checking in to see if you are all ok ?

Thinking of you x

[Sunshine72]

Hi @Sandee,

Thank you so much for checking in and keeping contact. It’s the longest we’ve not messaged. My apologies! I know you say there’s no need to apologise but I’ve been thinking of you everyday!

How are you and how are things going?

I really don’t know where to start. It’s been a whirlwind and things are all over the shop. So much to tell but don’t even know where to start.

We are all okay so that’s the main thing. Would love to share all that’s been going on but feel uncomfortable on this ‘public’ forum. I think I’ve worked out one of my sons triggers but I can’t be sure as he still doesn’t really talk. He has said a few words to me starting from last night (first time that he even acknowledged my existence) since we last messaged so that’s my positive for today.

There’s a lot going on at the moment that’s complicated and putting a strain on us all but we’ll get there. Hubby and I are exhausted hence not having a chance to write and are juggling work and appointments so it’s all a bit hectic.

I’m sorry to sound so ambiguous.

My son lost it cause I cut off his allowance. Mind you he does nothing around here, hardly talks, earns his own money and doesn’t follow any rules. I’m surprised he was so surprised. Here comes the weekend again. Always the time things get worse.

How are things your end? Have missed out messages. xx