HELP! At a loss and super worried.

[Sandee]

Hi @Sunshine72

Please never apologise for late replies. The one thing we both know is how consuming this all is.

I agree we were meant to meet on here. It just works because we both know what each other is going thru. We both have tried many diff approaches that havent worked and most importantly we are Mums and this hurts living like this.

Even though we had our lightbulb moment we still seem to go 1 step forward 20 steps back.

My son still didnt go to school today and said he was staying at a mates tonight but was going to school tom just later mmmm i said im not really keen on him going out on a so called school night but he says well im going to school tom.
Ok im not silly he has used the going to school numerous times and it never happens so im not holding my breath. Also if i had said no you cant go out he would have just left and then held that against us. He holds grudges very easily
Its all just so exhausting. Im still sticking with my plan and acknowledging the tiny positives and just keeping everything crossed that eventually things may change.

It must be hard with hubby away. Im here so if you need to talk dont hesitate. Sometimes writing things down or just having a person to tell can help x

My husband called the school they were hopeless. They dont do homeschool and to be honest they just didnt seem to care.

I agree with you that the paediatrician seems to have some conflicting advice.
Im certainly not an expert and all kids are different but we did the hard line sort of not to that extreme and it made things worse.

Meds are scary because they take time to work and dont work on everyone but hasnt he been on them before? Did they help?

Its so good though that she wrote a letter. I agree some schools can be very helpful but if they cant be confidential then it could make things worse. Is he still going to school?

The fact that he went to see someone is awesome and you should try to take that as a positive . We cant get that to happen at the moment.

I wish i could fix both our situations as its so hard but know no matter what im just a message away and will be here to listen and support you xx

[Sunshine72]

1 step forward and 20 steps backwards, yep that sounds like us. And hubby and I celebrating the 'little' positives is what has been keeping us going. We did start some time ago focusing on what we can do differently rather than what our son can change, as we know he isn't changing anytime soon. And many years ago I remember the quote quite well that 'nothing changes, nothing changes' as well as 'doing the same thing and expecting a different result is a sign of insanity' hence we've been trying different things and and making the changes but sadly sometimes it's made us regress and other times there have been inklings of some positiveness and we clutch to those as tightly as we can to give us that hope. So we keep persevering although at times it's beyond draining we know we can't give up.

Each day we're presented with new challenges and today was no different. **bleep** hum. We're all doing the best we can! These kids are so lucky that we all care so much and they deserve every chance so we can only hope.

Like you we celebrate the positives. I find acknowledging the positives at least keeps us sane. I know they might not be the biggest positives and I'm not disillusioned that it's still not a great situation but then I think sheesh it could be worse too.

I'm so sorry that school was hopeless today. You reach out for help but to no avail, it's in the too hard basket for them and we get reminded we are the parents and they are the educators.

No, our son hasn't been on anxiety meds before. He's on ADHD meds. The paedititrican thought it might be ADHD as he has complained of a fuzzy brain so he's been taking those for a couple of months (still pretty new and he doesn't take them on weekends or school hols which is fine as they are non residual so they just work for the time they're taken and wear off, no lasting effects which helps me feel better that he's even on them). Do they work? He says they help him concentrate but does he really have ADHD? He's not hyperactive in the slightest but she said he's passive. So do the meds work? Yes, they help concentration.

Yeah it's good she wrote a letter but I feel it labels too much and reading it I feel the school would box him. It's ironic because they know there are things askew with him but they've never involved the special needs teachers or anything, they just have the year master involved who I think is over it all so there really aren't any supports in place for him. I'm not even sure who knows he's on the ADHD meds. Some know about his anxiety, some don't. He has terrible self esteem but then gets yelled at. Oh don't get me wrong, he doesn't do himself any favours but the inconsistency from school doesnt help.

Today he was called into the principal and assistant principal's office. Not good! He actually told me about it when he got home (never talks), so I took the opporutnity to listen and not judge otherwise I would have lost him agian. He said the anxiety made him feel like he was going to have a heart attack and I acknowledged how it made him feel and how hard it would be to sit and wait without even knowing what it was about. Tomorrow he has refused to go to school. Said it's all too much. Just hard because I go to work tomorrow. I tried to sway him saying that if he was not going to school tomorrow that he should talk to someone. he said who? I for a moment thought I stood a chance! I should have said who do you think would work but I wasn't fast enough to think of that and said, Kid's help line or beyond blue but he tells me how much he doesn't trust it and he doesn't want to. I told him to block his phone number and use a fake name but he refused. The positive here is that we had a bit of a conversation. I told him that I'm talking to someone and it helps me and that there's no shame in doing so and no one needs to know but it's all to no avail. I will just keep chipping away.

You said your son is staying at a mates. Do his mates go to school?

I keep trying to tell myself we will all come out of the other end of this but sometimes that grey cloud gets in the way when I see there's bad people in the world and scared that it could be my son but then I remind myself that we are providing love, a listening ear, and support to our boys and hope that that will make a difference. Gotta live in hope!

Again it's one day at a time.
Thanks for always being there and offering your support. Right back at ya! You're doing a great job! xx

[Sandee]

Hi @Sunshine72
Hello hope you are doing ok x

Well as i though no to school again today. I feel like its to hard for him now cause he hasnt been for a while but again who knows as he wont talk to us.
He came home from his friends this morning and most of his friends go to school and as i had told him yesterday i would be at an appointment so he would just need to call his dad and he could open the gate remotely.
I had my hypnotherapy session which goes for 2 hours so i had my phone turned off and of course my son must have forgotten and tried to contact me to open the gate. So as soon as i was finished i turned my phone on and recieved the barrage of messages as you could imagine. Anyway when i got home i went up to his room to see if he was going to school and got i dont know can you please leave.
I tried again an hour later got the same. I asked if he wanted something to eat he said no.
Then at around 3 pm he comes down rudely complaining that there is no food. I tried holding it together and offered may option like toastie, nuggets, pasta, fried rice and more and all i get is thats not real food.
I walked away and said well let me know if you change your mind. The huffing and puffing the complaining was just too much today.
He finally said ok ill have nuggets in the airfryer so i made them. Then all of a sudden his mood changed as he said1 of his friends was dropping in for a bit.
Today im struggling i feel isolated and abused We live in a house that is run by him and his moods or demands.
There are so many options re school but he wont even listen if we try and tell him.
Tbe school rang my husband and have requested a meeting next monday. My son wont go and emotionally at the miment my cup is overflowing so my husband will go.
I dont get why he doesnt go if all his friends do. I want to understand and believe me i have tried to gently find out bit no luck.

Im exhausted and fear im going to give up on him.

Sorry to vent about me x

Its good your son is willing to take the ADHD meds at least most of the time.
Its also great you didnt judge after he got called into the principle cause im sure some of his anxiety may have been that he might get in trouble at home too so well done.

Its also great that you were able to talk to him about it. Did he go to school? I can certainly relate to him feeling like he was going to have a heart attack be ause it sounds very similar to a panic attack and although you are safe having a panic attack at the time you dont feel safe.

I hope he went and had a better day and you went to work as hard as it is sometimes just to give yourself a break.
Thinking of you x

[Sunshine72]

Hi @Sandee72,

Never apologise about venting nor talking about how you're feeling. That's why we're here right? To share our journeys with someone who understands what we are going through without judgement. Someone who understands how tough it is and that it's not for want of trying. Someone who is experiencing it first hand. You are amazing and strong and I really am inspired by your persistence. You have no idea how much hope and comfort I feel from your messages. I was never one to seek counselling, any form of help, hey I never needed it, never understood it, I was always in control. Life was always good and then this curve ball was thrown and thrown me for a six. It has turned me from a confident outgoing happy person into walking on eggshells and what I'd almost deem as a basket case! Sounds ridiculous I know. I mask it at work and out in public but truth be told it's so hard to focus at work and I even notice when I'm driving I really need to concentrate on what I'm doing as I'm so vacant, almost a shell. I try to avoid going out with friends (always an excuse) and if I do have to go somewhere I don't even hear the conversations or manage to stay focused on what everyone is talking about. I feel too ashamed to have anyone over anymore or visitors stay at our home as I don't want anyone seeing what's really going on behind our four walls with how our son behaves and speaks. That's if he's even home. All the things I'm grateful for and all the things I find pleasure in just seem so far removed now. Can't seem to enjoy them as the constant thought of what do I have to deal with at home and how will we be treated.

I'm sorry your son didn't end up going to school again. Ours didn’t go today either. I agree it's so hard to understand that all your sons friends go and he doesn't want to. I really wish they'd open up and know we're there to support them so we can listen and they get it off their chest. So we can let them know we're here for them. Let them know of their options and guide them with pros and cons of their choices, so they can make informed decisions. But when they don't want to talk / listen what option do we really have? Our hands are tied.

We're there to pick up the pieces when they crumble but on our journey it's our strength that is being chipped away at. It's us that are riddled with anxiety, exhaustion and I feel so stupid that I let his moods control how we feel. Yes they have all these feelings and thoughts too but without opening up about them there is little support we can offer them. My husband and I feel so deflated when he's slamming doors and hurling abuse and as calmly as I say, "You sound angry. Is there anything you'd like to tell us?" or "There appears to be something bothering you, what's happening?" I just get more abuse. I've tried (again calmly) to say, "This reaction is not okay" but it doesn't seem to matter what we say, it's always 'just leave me alone.'

Hypnotherapy? I love how you are giving these services a go. How do you find it? What do they do and do you feel it helps? Probably any good that was done today was quickly cut short by the barrage of messages on your phone.

I'm sorry you're being dealt this and the not proper food. Wow, you are so accommodating with so many options. It's a shame they can not see how fortunate they are and how much love is being given.

It's so frustrating when they can't take some accountability and everything is always our fault. I feel their self esteem must be so low that they need to take it out on those closest to them. I try to think of it like that and not take it personally but let's be honest it tugs hard on the heart strings. It's totally warranted that with all this behaviour you feel isolated and abused. It's not okay to be treated this way. You definitely don't deserve it and should not have to put up with it. We wouldn't put up with it from our partners or anyone however it's our own flesh and blood and being so young and vulnerable we are left with no choice but to cop it on the chin. Remember as much as you feel alone, you are not alone. You have a supportive husband, lots of available services and I am here too! Your support is invaluable and I'm here for you too. Sticking together and sharing our experiences really helps as I also tend to feel no one truly understands but I really feel you do. Others hear us and sympathise but we have the ability to empathise and that's a big difference!

I love how your son's school calls and makes attempts to have a meeting. That is such a positive approach. Even though he doesn't go and didn't attend the last meeting they are making contact again. That's great. I don't blame you not wanting to go and it's wise that if you're not feeling in the right frame of mind it won't work well. It's great that your husband will go. It sounds like you both work really well together and support each other. What wonderful support you are for each other.

Our school. Hmmm. I feel something could be slightly askew there. My gut tells me that they'd probably prefer him out but I know first hand they need to keep enrollments up (funding purposes - private school). There's little contact from them, other than when they suspended him two weeks ago and requested a meeting. But nothing since. There are no support structures in place. Not even the special needs teacher (no idea who he/she is) is involved - surely there should be strategies put in place knowing his diagnosis and my emails to them. I'm certainly not trying to diss the school or blame them for anything however I do feel there is a lack of support / strategies implemented. The most I have ever got is the form master saying he'll email his teachers to let them know that he's sensitive/fragile. They have offered counselling but obviously he's said No way! Doesn't trust them and doesn't want to talk to anyone.

As mentioned before We have given our son the opportunity to change schools as he tells us how much he hates the school, the teachers, the people but then doesn't want to go to a different school. We've told him we would support his choice and he might even like to consider leaving the school at the end of the year and taking up a trade (which is something he's got a placement in) but he just says says 'i don't know!' and gets the sh*** finding the negatives about every option. His grades and efforts are 0 on his school reports and he doesn't do any classwork or homework so I'm not really sure what's going on in his head. I have my fingers crossed he goes back tomorrow although I wonder what follow up there will be from the principal and deputy from Monday's meeting with him.

I don't blame you having your cup overflowing. You have a huge cup of giving and it takes a lot to get it to overflow stage. You have every right that it's overflowing with emotions. You do and give so much! I'm right there with you. My cup constantly wavers at full to overflowing and I try hard to reduce it but seriously, we are only human and there is only only so much we can take. The pangs in my stomach restrict me from simple everyday things and the constant worry is debilitating.

My husband questions how much more we can take of this and he is right. We then try to find the small wins, any positive we can and worry what giving up would look like. We want to sell up and move far away, go and crawl under a rock and live the simple happy life we've been accustomed too. We are givers and are willing to support whatever needs our son may have but the constant verbal abuse and defiance - well, we all have a threshold and it scares me to think how close we may get to that threshold.

It's getting late and the tiredness and lack of sleep at nights is taking it's toll. I think it's time to try and get some sleep and start fresh again tomorrow with the unknown of what we can expect to face. Each day is like a lucky dip where I keep hoping for a good prize.

Hope you are okay. I know we both really aren't ok but we keep pushing forward to try and give our boys the best we can.
Thank you for being here. It means a lot. Remember I am always here too. Take care xx

[Sunshine72]

Hi @Sandee,

How are you today? It’s all emotionally exhausting which in turn leads to physical exhaustion. Please do something nice for yourself today.

What a difference some sleep makes. I must have been that exhausted that I slept through the whole night. Haven’t done that in forever. I did have one small wake but fell straight back to sleep.

I wanted to say a shout out to our hubbies. I also feel for all those single parents going through what we are and can’t imagine how extra tough that would be tackling it alone. Also our hubbies who are feeling like we are and share their feelings with us and work together with us, but also concerned they bottle it and soldier on. I feel our situation would break down lots of marriages so hats off to our hubbies.

On a positive note our son went to school today. Well he got dressed and went to the bus stop. I know I shouldn’t but every time my phone rings or buzzes I get triggered wondering if it’s the school or police or hospital and what’s happened. I have to try and stop this feeling but not sure how.

Take care xx

[Sandee]

Hello @Sunshine72 

Wow that whole first paragraph explains our lives so well its identical!

Re the school wanting a meeting I dont think its a good meeting to be honest its with the Head of Year 9 and the Principle. 

Im pretty sure its to advise us that my son can no longer go. He hasnt been for many weeks now and I feel they have had enough.

 I think thats why I cant bring myself to go.

Hypnotherapy is just something I was trying to try and help with my anxiety but im not sure it works , its very weird.

We too have tried to communicate options with our son re school or alternatives but he just tells us to get out so you cant even finish a conversation.

My husband called the Youth Disengagement Service today and left a message to see if they can help.

Sadly I have had a setback im not in a good place I wake up so early and cant stop dry retching. My husband now is also waking up with aniexty. I feel like we are falling apart again and im scared.

My husband went up to my sons room this morning and said good morning are you going to school he grunted no. I have a cleaner who comes here once a fortnight and she is due today and my sons room is a disgrace. Last time I just told her to leave his room but this time I thought no. I pay for her to come and he needs to get up and sit in another room until his room is cleaned. Anyway after many mumbling back and fourth he finally got up and out of his room.

I asked if he wanted any food he said no im going out (8.30am) I said where are you going he said to the local shop centre and I said who with he said a mate. I said to him we really need to talk about what is happening he just looked at me. I couldnt help it but I was so anxious I told a white lie and said well your dad and I are probably going to court. He said you're not going to court and I said well they have called the department of education on us. He just looked at me and then started to walk off and I just said whatever.

I know thats not the truth but im fearful that is what is going to happen after the school meeting Monday afternoon anyway.

Then about 5 min later my son text me saying I'll go to school tomorrow. I must admit I didnt expect that but he also has said that numerous times before too.

I replied to him and said thanks that would be great even if its only a half day. He text back ok. I know that sounds great but we have been down this road so many times I have lost count.

Im so glad your son went to school, thats fantastic it really is. It sounds like today will be a good day for you and im so happy for you because you deserve it. It looks like he is trying to make an effort which is great .

Hope today is a great day for you and im thinking of you x 

PS Yes I feel for our hubbies and anyone living in hell like this its just so sad xx

[Sunshine72]

@Sandee,
I am really worried about you. The toll it's taking physically and mentally is just too much. When is your next psychologist appointment? What is your GP saying? My heart is breaking and I am very concerned about both you and your husband. You are such good people and deserve every happiness.

Regarding the school meeting. Whether the school has had enough or not of your son attending, they still need to support that he does attend. Surely School can NOT tell you that he can no longer go. I'm not sure but would it worth asking the school what the plan is for the meeting so you're not left wondering till next week?

I have never heard of the Youth Disengagement Service. Even now I have just googled it and not found anything. Please let me know how you go with them. Hopefully there is something they can offer.

You've done the right thing by letting him know there are consequences for not attending school, that the department of education follows up on these things. Let's hope he sticks to his word and I am hopeful he makes the effort to go to school tomorrow. I just feel for him because clearly there's some trigger making him not want to go, but when they don't tell us it's so sad and frustrating for them and us.

You have every right to feel scared. I do too. I think it's this fear that keeps us going to try and make things better. I think if we weren't scared then we'd have no care factor so as awful as an emotion it is I try to look at it in a way that portrays us as caring parents who give a sh** about our kids because so many parents sadly do not.

I keep hoping things get easier for us. My hubby and I keep bracing ourselves for the worst. Not to be pessimistic but as a protective barrier/mechanism to stop us from collapsing if something does. Unfortunately I am starting to desensitise from everyday life and feelings. I am worried we all become completely numb but until then I know I just have to keep going and chip away and try the best I can.

Big hugs to you and your husband. Hold each other tight and remember you have each other. You chose each other. You didn't choose this situation but you're choosing to work together at it. xxx

[Sandee]

Hi @Sunshine72
Thankyou for your kind words. Im ok just some days are harder than others. Everyone we see says to set clear boundries but as you know its not that easy if you can even get them to communicate.
We are just playing it a day/ hour at a time. I feel my son knows that if he chooses not to go to school then he will need a job to support himself.
My husband and I are just going to see how things go by only giving him minimal money but if he def decides no more school then we will have to gently let him know and give him a sort of timeframe re supporting himself by getting a job but also still letting him know there is always a bed and food here for him and that we love and care for him.
I dont want to just cut him off cold turkey as i believe its worse but he will have to know it will happen if thats the path he chooses. Not trying to control him but more show him that choices you make in life come with good or bad consequences. If that makes sense
Again we are not experts and things change constantly so we shall see.

I hope your day was better and we are lucky that we are working with our hubbies as alot of relationships can end over this xx

[Sunshine72]

@Sandee, I agree whole heartedly with everything you write! Couldn’t say it better myself!

Our son went to school today and yes that’s a positive we have to take but sadly we’re clutching to that like thin ice. it’s what he is doing each night/weekend. That’s what scares me. He goes out, no contact, doesn’t speak to us and tells us it’s none of our business. We know he’s doing the wrong things. Know he’s smoking, graffitiing and drinking and who knows what else.

Any how I have to be grateful he’s going to school and coming home. I just worry with his lack of interest for anything, what kind of future lays ahead. Time will tell.

Hopefully the fact our boys have our love and willingness to help will help them when they realise they can’t go on like this.

Here’s to tomorrow being a good day. xxx

[Sunshine72]

Dear @Sandee 

How are you today? How did the day go? Been thinking of you. Hope you are ok? 

I got another call from my son's school today. He attended today but as mentioned he was called into the principal and deputy's office on Monday. They called me 'today' to tell me about it because they'd been too busy to call me earlier. I get school's are a busy place and they explained the situation and said he's not in trouble but he was told he needs to be conscious of his behaviour. 

The anxiety it's causing him and now causing me, makes me wonder how long he'll still keep going. I sadly feel it's only a matter of time. 

Almost the weekend. Everyone's favourite time but my dreaded time, when he heads out to who knows where, doing who knows what and comes home at who knows when. I dread weekends.

Ready to curl up into a ball but off to run errands tonight. 

Take care. xx