HELP! At a loss and super worried.

[Sandee]

Hi @Sunshine72 

Sadly we dont feel very strong its just so hard seeing everyone else's kids but yours wants nothing to do with you , wont go to school , wont get a job and who knows sometimes where he is or what he is doing.

Yes they were out all night . We tried to reach them but didnt answer. When we range him to say we were home. He didnt even say hello just say can my mate stay and my husband said no he hung up.

Your son sadly is right the police probably wont do anything. My son always says the same he doesn't care. Were did we go wrong?

Its good you have tried to tell him about art schools to see if he would go there rather than graffiti but again we cant force them and they know it.

My heart is broken like yours its just so sad to see them like this. I dont think they realise what they are missing out on.

My son did see someone a while agao but the lady left and he refused to see her replacement. He hasnt been again but I have offered so im hoping at some point he may come around.

My son just cant cope with you saying no he just cant deal with it emotionally .My husband got  nowhere with the people he called . 

My husand and I just said the same thing we hope for the best but expect the worst . I agree it's not great to be negative but it's just realistic at the moment. I know people say he will come back eventually but to be honest im not too sure about that anymore.

At least he just text asking to be picked up never please or thank you and for sure will just go up to his room and not talk to us but at least he is home.

Thinking of you guys x

[Sunshine72]

Hi @Sandee,

Totally get that you don't feel strong but you're doing everything you can and I think you're both very strong. To endure this and still pour out love and support takes a lot! 

I'm wondering how you coped that night when he didn't come home? How did you get yourself through the night? I imagine no sleep and a sick feeling. Like I said, I think this will be us soon. I feel like when that happens I will finally burst and won't be able deal the situation anymore. 

I'm pleased he text you and asked for a pick up (even without manners). I know it's not nice but I'm glad he's coming home. Yes I too feel so much better when they're home/safe. 

I hope he considers talking to someone again. My son won't even entertain the thought. 

We too don't quite believe that he'll eventually come back around. How do you come back from breaking the law, disengaged schooling, no effort, no care, taking substances, drinking alcohol and lack of own hygiene as well as total disregard for anyone other than himself. Clearly he's not in a good space. Reading that sentence back makes me shudder. I feel like the situation is becoming a lost cause but I know I can't think like that. Gotta keep plugging on and live in hope. 

Thinking of your son's school meeting tomorrow and hope they have some positive strategies/approaches to it. I'm sure it's not the first time they're dealing with this. 

Best wishes. x

[Sunshine72]

Hi @Sandee,

Just wanted to say thank YOU!

You’re having a super hard time but you’re always there giving your time and support, sharing your story, being supportive, taking time out to write. It really means A LOT and I just want you to know how appreciated it is. So Thank YOU!

❤️❤️❤️

[Sandee]

Hi @Sunshine72 

Thank you for he kind words and right back at you too xx

Re how did wee go when he left and dint come back well not easy thats for sure but im sure he just went to another friends house but sadly as so many lies have been told its hard to know.

He ate dinner with us last night which has been happening more lately but he doesnt talk unless you talk to him and its usually one word answer at best.

Then as per normal straight back up to his room after he has eaten.

We keep trying to chat with him about pretty much anything but we dont always get a response.

Today still refused togo to school so im trying really hard to come to terms with it.

How did your weekend finish? Hope it went ok

Thinking of you guys xx

[Sunshine72]

Hi @Sandee, 

How are you doing today?

I'm sorry he refused to go to school again today. How did the meeting with your hubby and school go? I hope something good came from it. 

It's positive to hear that he's been joining you to eat. The fact that he comes to the table is great. One word answers at this point are better than no answers or not being at the table at all. Small steps. Sounds promising. 

When my son got home yesterday it was straight to his room. I requested he take a shower (can't tell you the last time he had one). Finally (after a few requests and now being 10:30pm) he took one but he refuses to wash his hair and I'm not sure he washes his body. 

He did go to school today but when I unpack his lunchbox there's exam results for different subjects and clearly no effort as he isn't passing. He doesn't like the teachers or students at school so I'm actually surprised he goes to school. Not quite sure what keeps him going? I'd get it if he enjoyed the social side, or academic but it's neither so it must be incredibly hard for him to keep going. I'm certainly not complaining that he's going but I question the point when he's not doing any of the work and just complains how much he hates school and doesn't like any of the kids or teachers there. Thinks everyone is out to get him! Mind you there's about 200 kids in his year group so how he can't manage to find anyone he likes. Hmmm. He did have some good friends from various circles that I got to know the parents and they were good kids, but he drifted away from all of them and made friends outside of school.  Anyway when offering alternative school options or starting a trade, he shuts down and doesn't want to discuss it. 

Let's see what this week brings. I don't know what more I can do. I sincerely hope things improve for both of us. xx

[Sandee]

Hi @Sunshine72 

It's good he is at least is going to school as that will help even if his exam results arent great. And im glad he finally showered which is good it might mean that he is hearing you but just doing it in his time.

He may actually have friends at school and that maybe why he is still going but he is just telling you he doesnt. I have heard other parents say that .

The school meeting went ok but they wanted my husband to take my sons phone off him to make him go to school. Im sorry but thats not happening. His phone is his social network and also our only communication with him . I fear if we took that it would just make things worse and close all communication which im not prepared to do. They also said that if he doesnt go they cannot pass him for year 9.

As hard as that is to hear that he will most likely fail year 9  we will keep trying every morning to get him to to school but we clearly cannot force him . We will attempt to try and tell him what they said but again no guarantee he will listen. He will have to deal with the consequences of his choice later if and when he decides to go back to school or get a job.

I also printed off some info on some other school options and left them in his room with a note saying have a look at these and let me know what you think. Its up to him I cant do anything else.

He has turned his life360 back on but still does pause it at times probably when he doesnt want me to know where he is.

He left this morning to go to a mates house and at 5pm I hadn't heard from him so I text asking what time he was coming home. I didnt get reply so I called and he answered straight away. He said not sure yet but would let me know.

My anxiety was starting to stir again because its a school night even though he isnt going so I asked my hubby to call him on the way home to see if he needed to be picked up.

He text my hubby back and said not yet. So I cooked dinner for just my hubby and I. Then my son text and said he was going to watch a netball game and will get dropped off after. I really wanted to say who with what time but no I just replied thanks for letting me know and he replied all good.

He then text asking for money for dinner and I stuck with the amount my hubby and I had agreed on but thats for the whole week. It wont last the whole week by any means but he cannot say we are starving him and thats all he is getting until he either goes back to school or gets a job. One boundary we are sticking with. because its his choice re school or a job we cannot force him but we dont have to agree with his choice and will not fund it either.

It's so hard living like this I wish wish wish that we both and other families going thru it didnt have too. I wish our kids knew how loved they are and that we are loving caring parents trying to navigate their teenage years just as much as they are.

Hope your ok and thinking of you guys constantly xx

[Sunshine72]

Hi @Sandee,

I know there is a lot of contention about taking phones away from kids but I am wholeheartedly with you on this.  I have read a few different experts advice and some psychologist's perspectives and yes I do agree there needs to be phone limits (which mind you we don't have in place otherwise I'd have life360 switched back on), but taking away their phone was described as cutting them off from the world. I, like you believe, no good will come from that.  Coming up with boundaries together about certain things and if they aren't adhered to could lead to phone consequences such as no longer paying for their phone anymore or cutting off internet at certain times and I know in our household that would cause world war III but this I can accept, however taking his phone away completely I do not agree with. 

You're so supportive with giving him options and not giving up trying each day to encourage him to attend school. It's frustrating that they don't realise it's for them and that we only want the best for them. *big sigh. I think going to a new school would be harder/scarier than staying where they are. Maybe this is in the back of their minds too? Who knows. I try telling my son that he is smart and capable but he just tells me he's dumb. Breaks my heart. 

Can I say I think it's a big positive that between yourself and your husband he answers your calls or texts and tells you where he's going and that he won't be home for dinner. There is some communication happening. Gotta take the little wins here.  I know it's tricky but well done sticking to your guns about the amount of money he will get for the week and no further $$. It might take a while and I'm guessing he may test how far he can push but it's very clear and hopefully he'll soon get the message. 

on our end, a positive is that he took his ADHD meds today and spoke to me tonight. Randomly he told me that after taking it, it makes the thought of food repulsive (this is a known side effect as it suppresses your appetite) and by the end of 2nd period he's starving to the point he thinks he's going to vomit. I suggested to keep a muesli bar or something simple in his pocket and he explained that you're not allowed to eat until recess and that school is super strict and you're in trouble if you're caught and then went on again about stupid school is and their stupid rules. I'm surprised he cares if he gets in trouble. Normally he rebels against all their 'rules.'  I told him I could contact the school and they would understand that if you're spoken to about eating they'd consider an exemption due to the meds taken. He refused this and end of conversation. I'll take the going to school, taking meds, and a small conversation as my wins for today. 

My anxiety with his illegal behaviour is giving me the most anxiety at the moment. I keep telling myself I can't control his choices as he won't listen to my requests of stopping (the drug advice centre said it's like asking an overweight person to stop eating too much food), they just say yeah yeah and won't stop until they are ready. This kills me. I keep telling myself that I can't control it and will have to deal with whatever consequences occur and then I tell myself I'm okay and need to accept this, however overthinking quickly kicks in (especially at 3am when I wake up) and the knots and worry always win out! Grrrr. Vicious circle. 

Time to get some sleep and think positively about what tomorrow may bring. Hope it's a good day for us both. xx

[Sandee]

Hello @Sunshine72 

How are you? It sounds like you are making progress and alot of positives I hear which is great. He is going to school and is thinking and concerned re getting in trouble that does to me show he cares. He also took his meds thats fantastic a huge positive.

Maybe he is hearing you and all the times you are trying to reach out to him and communicate is working , see not giving up has given you more steps forward. Well done thats all you xx

I agree im not going to take his phone off him. if he doesnt make a choice at some point re school or work then we may have to talk about not paying for the plan but this is very tricky and im not ready for that just yet.

My hubby went up as per normal this morning and said time to get up for school . My son said im not going today it's Halloween . Clearly he has already made plans. My hubby said just letting you know I spoke with the school and you will pass year 9 if you go but if you dont they wont pass you just wanted you to know. Im not sure he would have heard as he would have been half asleep.

It's so hard trying to come to terms with his choice to drop out at year 9 . Legally he is meant to go but we cannot force him. So another day of him going out probably not knowing where he will be or if and when he will come home. Thats hard.

I totally understand how anxious your are re the illegal behaviour it would be very hard and is such a shame that no one can help.

Hope you got some sleep last night and today brings you more positive steps moving forward with your son xx

[Sunshine72]

Hi @Sandee,

It certainly is super hard coming to terms with the fact he wants to drop out at Yr9. Also not knowing where is going or what he doing if he's not going to school. I keep hoping he changes his mind. Was it the hair that initially stopped him from going to school?  I just wish we knew what is really the crux of what is bothering them, so we can move forward with them. That was smart of your husband to say that to him this morning about school. I'm sure he would have heard it.   My son told me in a mimicking voice today that the Form master wants to speak with him to see what he's decided about school. I asked him what he's decided and what he's going to say. His response was I don't know, I'll just say something when he talks to me but he'll forget.  I asked again and he said angrily 'I don't know and shut down again.' 

I really think he lacks any ability to make a decision that he feels is pressure and has no resilience. I'm happy to work on this with him, but again no interest.  Anyway he did go to school today. He even ate breakfast. First time in ages and took his meds. He got home and said the meds are useless and not working and told me he needs to double them and then told me that doc said that would be ok. I remarked that I don't think we can just double the dose and he said yeah the doctor said it and it's ok. Tomorrow I am NOT giving him double, not until I get news form the doc. 

I read something today that I want to try about 4 ways to worry less. 

1. Schedule time to worry.

2. Meditate

3. Consider if it's unsolveable or solveable. (i feel at this point in time it's unsolveable). If it's unsolveable try to become more comfortable by releasing what you can't control.  This is clearly what I need to work on. 

4. Write down your worries. (I feel this is what we are doing here). 

Not sure if it will help but I need to for my sanity. 

Good luck as you keep encouraging school. Not that I'm sure school is the solution. Mind you no idea what the solution is. 

Stay strong, you're doing a great job. You're there for him and that's what counts the most. 

xx

[Sunshine72]

Hi @Sandee.,

How are you today? How did his Halloween day go? 

I re-read my message from yesterday and clearly I'm clutching at straws and reading too much. Overthinking everything and trying to understand everything. Looking for a fix. The 4 step thing all sounds good in practice but when you wake up at 4am in the morning and are riddled with anxiety, it all goes out the window like it does every night. This is happening with me each and every night, sometimes at 1am, sometimes at 3am and it's so difficult to get back to sleep. I try hard to push past it and think other thoughts but it's so hard. I hardly get back to sleep and the worry and exhaustion becomes unbearable. 

I read (again too much reading) about a mum who provided a safe home, clothes, food, love, support and had struggles with her child and she kept scouring websites and reading copious amounts of professional advice and strategies that didn't change anything but then she found the solution - to find out all I have to do is just click the link and buy her product! Grrrr - lots of people taking advantage of vulnerabilities. I feel if I keep educating myself on strategies that I'll find the solution but there is just so much conflicting advice that I'm feeling overloaded and I feel I am going around in circles and not getting anywhere! Each situation/child is unique and needs to be handled that way.  I don't know the answer and I hate that! 

Whilst I'm typing, my phone just buzzed and it's a message from my son's school. Immediately the knot in my stomach and tingles in my hands and looking at it, it's just a newsletter message. I feel like I'm going crazy. I'm conditioned to the, 'oh no what's happened now?' mindset and I don't know how to change it. 

I spoke to a lady yesterday - we didn't know each other. It turned out she was a school counsellor for a primary school. I did not mention my situation but we talked in general and she told me how concerned she is about the future and how there aren't enough counsellors to go around because so many children are having so many issues and it's out of control. My heart was racing speaking with her but she continued to say we are always about 5 years behind America and the doom and gloom of society and the future. She was probably in her 50s and said the children's needs over the past 10 years and especially after Covid have become so complex and her generation were the start of the need for support services and therapy and her parents generation were the ones that really experienced hardship and had nothing, had strong work ethics and a get on with it attitude, then her generation started to have things easier but suddenly therapy because the buzz word and nowadays the younger generation are given everything and it's all lots of instant gratification and getting to eat out and buy this and that and ironically it's the generation that needs the most support and we can't say anything without offending them.  I reflected on what she said and thought this is so true. I'm so guilty of this too. My parents had it really hard, we had it easier and our son has it even easier. There's something to be said for this.  Don't get me wrong, she was very compassionate but it made me want to sell up and run away. How mature am I wanting to run away from my problems!  I'm not sure why I'm even writing about this conversation but it really resonated with me and I guess it just makes me feel even more guilty for the situation we're in but also made me realise there are hundred and probably more accurate thousands experiencing this. 

Have you had any further visits with the psychologist? I am wondering if you're finding it useful and if that's the road hubby and I need to go down. 

Not sleeping and being exhausted just makes my emotions heightened and makes me irritable. I'm tired and I'm sick of worrying all the time. I'm not at work today which I'm not sure is a good or bad thing. Being at work is actually a distraction from what's going on at home but at work I'm just a shell plodding along when I'm there and I know my productivity is suffering. Don't get me wrong I'm still getting all my work completed but it's taking me soooo much longer as the focus is difficult. Being at home it's all that I think about. 

How are you feeling?  How are you coping? Sending big hugs and hoping for a good day for you. xx