Having struggles with my 13yr old daughter

[Moloko]

@taokat
Thank you so much. Everything you said was just what I needed to hear.

I wish you and your daughter all the best with tafe.. Please keep me posted on how she goes. I can understand how nervous you both must be but Its great your daughter has that excitement too.You are an amazing supportive mum and I'm sure she will thrive there.

I totally agree with everything you said. I can only imagine all the things she must have been thinking about on the first day. My main task was to just listen to her pour out all of her worries and frustrations and let her know I understood....this approach helped avoid any arguments and I think things are settling a bit as it sinks in and she thinks about it. I know I cant fix everything for her and she needs to learn to adapt to new situations but I did make sure the girls from her old school were not in her class so that she could just focus on her learning and not have to be distracted by them. She is surrounded by a really great bunch of friends going in which is a relief and I just hope she embraces everything college has to offer and widens her friend group even more. The school are going to check in with us in 2 weeks time to see how things are progressing and we can go from there.

Will keep you posted and thank you again for your support and advice.

[taokat]

Thank you so much @Moloko, that's lovely of you to say, and I'll definitely keep you posted! I'm so glad my daughter's excited too, and hope that will continue to be the motivator, over the fear. 

Listening should be a known super power! It really makes the world of difference we can just listen. My daughter has said to me that it helps her get things off her chest and often she can then sort it out for herself. It shows her that I trust her ability to do that as well, while she knows I'm always here if she needs me. 

It's so lovely that your daughter has such amazing friends, and the 2 week check in sounds like a great move. Fingers crossed that she settles in and makes friends in her class quickly, but one day at a time.

Yes, please keep us updated! All the best until then. 

[Moloko]

@taokat
Update....Very up and down last 2 weeks. Our daughter is fine one minute then lashing out the next. She is having trouble with girls from previous school again....but it from.both sides. She is accusing them of being nasty but she is also being nasty to them but playing it as she is the only victim. Both sides are denying any wrong doing and blaming the other side. Its exhausting. We really think she needs to talk to someone to try and help her move past this but she flat out refuses.
How do we get her to talk to someone?
I am at my limit emotionally.
We love our daughter but we are just so lost in how to help her. She creates drama, flips out at us. Gives us half truths about her role in the conflict. Finding it hard when she won't meet us half way.

[taokat]

Oh @Moloko, I'm so sorry to hear the situation with the girls has come back up again. She must still be really upset over it. It's great that you can see your daughter needs help processing it, but I know how exhausting it can be being stuck in the middle so to speak. 

My daughter refused help for many years too. After numerous failed tactics I realised that it had to be her choice to go. So I really brought it down to that. I asked her if she had the choice between being happy or being angry, what would she choose? She chose happy. I explained that the counsellor had skills and knowledge that I didn't have, and that the counsellor is for her and they don't judge, they teach you ways to cope and manage all she was feeling. So she had the choice to get help, or to be angry - both being a choice. She didn't come around first time, but calmly and lovingly reminding her of her choices did get through and now she asks to see her counsellor if she needs a sooner appointment. 

I really hear how emotionally exhausted you are and I'm glad you've come back to the forum for support. Are you able to get any time to look after you? You're very important in this equation and self care is so important to be able to keep going. You're such a loving and giving mum - give some of that to you too.

[Zoesplace]

Hi @Moloko My daughter was so nasty and vicious to her friends and other kids from school (and me) when she was really sick. I honestly could not believe what was happening and it was so difficult to watch. Her behaviour was so unacceptable, and the worst thing was that this was not how she normally behaves and so out of character.  When she started getting better, she apologised to her friends and thankfully friendships slowly mended. Hopefully, when your daughter starts to feel better her friendships will improve.

Wise words @taokat  You can provide someone with all the right professional help and resources, but there has to be a choice made to accept the help.

[Moloko]

@Zoesplace
Thanks. She adores her new close friends she's made since moving. She just has so much anger for the girls who treated her so badly. I think she's angry because she has been through so much emotionally and they won't even acknowledge any wrong doing;( I understand her feelings. They did so much damage It's my job now to try and help her get past this. We have great options available to us but she has to agree. There lies the battle
We will keep working on it. I know we can't force it. She has to agree but she needs this and I just know it would help her so much.

[Zoesplace]

That's great that your daughter adores her new friends. Friendships are so important.  Hang in there @Moloko.  Sounds like you are doing all the right things.

[Sister]

Hi Moloko,

You seem to be such a loving, caring and very self-aware parent who loves their daughter a great deal. It must be difficult for you to see all these changes happening not knowing if they are "normal" or something else (?). From your posts you seem to be doing all the correct things.

Regarding the yelling......you and your husband are very wise to practice calmness. Meditation or mindfulness can help you with this. Yelling and arguing can really effect kids. I know because my own parents used to fight a lot and unfortunanty so did my husband and self (we are now divorced). None of us can go back and guilt is a negative emotion so moving forward........stop yourself from yelling! You seem to have the insight to do this and thats wonderful.

With the technology...come to a compromise and set limits. Just be consistent. Its a tough one but you can do it! 

You are doing an AMAZING job......do something special for YOU so this all doesn't become too overwhelming for you.

Good Luck

[Moloko]

Thanks for your feedback and support.
You nailed it. It is very difficult to see the changes in my daughter over the last year and I struggle to separate what is "normal" teenage behaviour and what is "something else" she has changed so much since this happened. She has lost her confidence and her drive to succeed at everything and give everything a go. They couldn't control her so they ostracised her very subtly and tore her down. I'm trying to build her back up and she is getting there but it sometimes comes across as arrogance as well which I think is a protective mechanism. I find my self over annalising things and always asking myself is she ok. I'm finding I'm completely overwhelmed and anxious by it some days which isn't great. The constant flip flop in moods and snapping at me is exhausting and it gets to the point we can't even have a conversation with her about it as she just gets so defensive and storms off and tells us to leave her alone. Then she will be 're most gorgeous loving amazing girl.

My biggest concern is this anger and hatred she is holding on to for what she feels they have done to her and trying to get her to want to go to talk to someone.

[Moloko]

@taokat
Is there any way that you may be able to give me some support via email etc and not on public forum?
I feel I'm going to have a few rough weeks ahead and I'm not sure how I'm going to cope.