How do I help my daughter?

[Polhon]

My daughter is nearly 18 and has always struggled with emotional regulation. I love her so much it makes me want to cry but she is not easy to live with as I am sure many of you will relate to. My partner came onto the scene when she was 6 and that has always been a difficult relationship - he from a strict, black and white family, me from a much more compassionate, understanding upbringing. After becoming exacerbated last year after she was asked to leave school 3/4 of the way through year 12 due to not completing enough work despite constant offers of support, tutors, counselling etc I told her is she wished to go to a friends she was not welcome back. She challenged me, then regretted it, as did I. My partner refused to have her back so she rented through quasi student accomodation with her cousin but didn't ever cope too well. Once the lease was up she moved all her things into my alcoholic parent house but spends all her time at her boyfriends place which isn't the best environment either. I have managed to get her to an appt with the psychiatrist on the advice of my psychologist who suggests she may have bpd. The psych agrees she has traits due to the emotional regulation issues. She wants so come home and I want her to but my partner is refusing due to the constant conflict. I think I should leave him. Does anybody have any advice? I feel so alone. I can't stand seeing her in this pain. She feels so abandoned and I don't blame ber

[seaglecc]

Hello #Polhon, Welcome and thank you for contacting us. Looks like you have really been through a lot of the last 6 years. It must be so difficult for you, I could not imagine the heartache you are feeling right now. I cannot give you advice, however maybe we can see what can be put into place to help you both. It's good to know your daughter wants to reconnect with you, you have all rights to put her first afterall she is your child. But do you really want to end your relationship?

Have you ever tried family counselling, there are quite a few affordable agencies out there which may be able to help you. Relationships Australia, www.relationships.org.au, they will put you in touch with your closest therapists, there is also Unifam https://uniting.org/our-services/counselling-and-mediation, who do counselling and Mediation or your local GP may have some contacts. It looks like you have been involved with Mental Health Supporters, however you still can call Lifeline and/Headspace, they can refer you to specialised therapists?

Will your partner be open to going along to counselling and/or mediation? You may find you will be able to set boundaries in place to keep things on track. It really looks like your daughter wants to make amends for the past. It could be worth a discussion with your partner. They are probably worried about things going wrong again.

I hope this helps you. We are all here to help you.

[Polhon]

Thank you so much for your reply. My partner hasn't spoken to my daughter for the year she has not lived at home and has indicated he will not be involved in family therapy due to the hurt she has caused him. I have continuously mentioned that she is a child and he an adult and her behaviour is a result of her own pain. He understands all this but still won't budge. I have threatened, I have begged, I have pleaded for him to be understanding yet to no avail. My daughter is so so hurt by his rejection which in turn kills me.

[seaglecc]

Hi #Polhon,

You are in such a difficult position, where two people in your life whom you love and care about so much are in conflict. And the hardest thing is you are stuck in the middle and you cannot make either one do anything, it's up to them. My suggestion would be for you and your daughter to still seek family therapy and you individual, so many wounds need to be healed, it will have to start with the two of you, after all you are mother and daughter. Once your partner starts to see a change it may be possible, and I only mean possible, he will notice a change. He has been hurt, he probably also feels rejected and and betrayed, for he would feel like he took on a father figure and he was hurt. He's more than likely grieving. I totally get your reasoning concerning the adult v's child analogy, most people see it differently. I have experienced this first hand with my extended family, with my 18 year old niece and her mother and defacto step father. Making sure they both understand you are not taking sides, you just want your family back together is important. This is where Family and Individual counselling can help (starting with you). I wish I could say it's all going to be ok and there is a miracle quick fix button, but there's not.

I ask, what support structures have you got in place for you at this time? Family? Friends?

When you were going throught the mental health sector, was your daughter given a diagnosis?

[ElleBelle]

Hi @Polhon. These are not easy decisions to make and I imagine they are putting a lot of strain on your family relationships. How are you coping with the stress? You mentioned you have a psychologist, have you been able to talk through some of it with them? We have a couple of resources about managing family conflicts here, but I agree that some professional support wouldn't be a bad idea. Especially if your daughter does have issues with emotional regulation and possibly bpd.

Will you keep us posted on how you progress?

[Polhon]

Thank you for your advice. I am seeing a psychologist and my daughter, a psychiatrist at this point. My partner intends to give my daughter a gift for her birthday in a week so that has renewed hope in me 😊

[Polhon]

It has been wonderful to be able to feel like I'm being heard in this forum and understood. Thank you x

[readthemanual]

That's a good sign! @Polhon you are in a very complicated situation. I am sorry that I could not offer any suggestions but I have been following your thread and @seaglecc's ideas. 

Just make sure that you take good care of yourself and build up your own energy so that you can share it with your loved ones!

[Luula]

@Polhon that's what we're here for! Please do keep us posted on how you are doing.

[Kalis]

Welcome @Polhon!

Between the differing emotions and needs for the three of you, it has clearly been a difficult time for your family. You mentioned your daughter was having trouble in school last year and then also had issues living with her cousin. When did she begin seeing a psychiatrist and do you think this has been helpful for her?

This is really tough on everyone and it sounds a little like how @messylife feels having to choose between a child and a partner, although at a different age. It can't be an easy situation and I wonder, messylife, if you have any insights for how your son has been managing (at home and school) since he engaged with a therapist?