I don't know what to do..teenage daughter

[Marie_069]

My daughter suffered from depression from the age of 15 but did not tell me untill she was 17. When she told me she was 6 months into a long distance relationship with a very controlling manipulating boy.
She lost all self confidence and stopped caring about anything but him. This caused a huge distance between her and myself. To the point of not talking. As much as I tried to help it was ignored. She would spend all her time in her room on the phone with him. When she did see him she would come home distraught and would take weeks to even smile.
She has been on antidepressants for almost a year.
She dated him for 18months so mist if that time hated herself and did what he said. She could not break up because she told me it was better to have someone th say liked her and kept her company even if it was bad.
He then got a new gf. She was distraught and upset but a few months later realised it was the best thing........
Now this is where I need help she is now almost 19 our relationship is not alot better she has a 21 yr old sister which all of this has affected her in such a bad way she cries all the time and cant stand being near her. We have no family so I have no support and my older daughter has endured having to listen to me which has upset her so much.
My problem with her is ...
She is still on anti depressants, she sells photos of herself to have money and is 4 weeks pregnant from a one night stand. I don't know what to do

[Hannah-RO · Accepted solution]

Hey @Marie_069 welcome to the forum, thanks for sharing what has been going on for you and your family. 

@Birdwings has given some great suggestions, I think spending some time with your older daughter could definitely be a idea, is there something the two of you like to do together? I can imagine this must be upsetting for her, let me know if you want to discuss supports for her.

I'm also wondering how you feel about supporting your 18 yr old daughter around her pregnancy, do you feel comfortable discussing everything with her and supporting her decision?

@Birdwings  is right that your love for her is so valuable and it can go hand-in-hand with other supports such as anti-depressants.

If you wanted to get some support and chat to someone one-on-one about what your going through, it could be an idea to check out Parentline. They are a phone counselling service open from 8am-10pm where you can talk through how you're feeling, here is a link to their website for more information. 

We also did a Facebook Live video about parents communicating with their young people which could be worth a watch here if you're interested.

[Birdwings]

So sorry to hear about your struggles with your daughter. You clearly care about her and love her very much and I can see that your stressed and hurting by what's going on and are trying to juggle your relationship with both daughters. I commend you for that and for coming here to try to get some support, a bit of advice and hope for a better pathway forward. 

My daughter is 14 and this year she's really retreated into her room and shut us out. For a long time, she didn't even say good night to us and I'd take her dinner to her door. She was like a prisoner in her room, only she was holding herself captive. I've been like yourself not quite knowing what to do and desperate to re-establish any connection. I'm like the big labrador pup waiting at the side gate all day waiting for someone to come home. Things have improved for us. I took is very, very slowly. She's an introvert and I'm an extroverted extrovert and I'm mindful of that. I needed to let her come out of herself and hitting her with some kind of sledge hammer to try to get her out of her shell was only going to make things worse. 

I should also add that covid has made this situation a lot worse for us. I am immuno suppressed and she's going to school and so I do need to keep a bit of distance, especially when numbers have increased. 

My first recommendation is to take your other daughter out for lunch and not talk about her sister. Find out what's going on with her. 

Secondly, see if your daughter will open up about her intentions with the pregnancy. Listen as much as you can without offering any advice. This is definitely a time for "two ears one mouth". See if she has a friend she's confiding in. 

Your love for her is making a difference and has the capacity to overide anti-depressants, professional help. It is the greatest healer. 

Meanwhile, you need to take care of yourself. Get some regular exercise. I went for a quick walk yesterday. The wildflowers are fantastic this year. I'm into photography and you can look at something beautiful through the lens and it helps so much. I must admit I also like photographing barren destruction as well. In addition to the waratahs, I also zoomed in on some blackened tree bark and appreciated its raw blackness as well. 

I hope this has helped and I wish you luck. You are cared for here and it's a private place where you can share without everyone knowing your business, which I like. Sometimes, it's good to be anonymous. 

Best wishes,

Birdwings

PS Birdwings is a poem by Rumi you might enjoy. 

[Hannah-RO · Accepted solution]

Hey @Marie_069 welcome to the forum, thanks for sharing what has been going on for you and your family. 

@Birdwings has given some great suggestions, I think spending some time with your older daughter could definitely be a idea, is there something the two of you like to do together? I can imagine this must be upsetting for her, let me know if you want to discuss supports for her.

I'm also wondering how you feel about supporting your 18 yr old daughter around her pregnancy, do you feel comfortable discussing everything with her and supporting her decision?

@Birdwings  is right that your love for her is so valuable and it can go hand-in-hand with other supports such as anti-depressants.

If you wanted to get some support and chat to someone one-on-one about what your going through, it could be an idea to check out Parentline. They are a phone counselling service open from 8am-10pm where you can talk through how you're feeling, here is a link to their website for more information. 

We also did a Facebook Live video about parents communicating with their young people which could be worth a watch here if you're interested.

[Marie_069]

Thank you so much for your kinds words.
Spending time alone with my older daughter is a good idea.
I do love both my daughters very much and as a single mum I have always put in so much of me to the point of losing myself.
The past 18 months has been so painful I have never felt so disconnected from my girls it's just so sad for all 3 of us.
And to watch them both going through so many emotions and me being helpless to help.
The younger one has destroyed what we had and unfortunately alot of it is hard to forgive. But I am a positive person and I just push on.
Whatever she decides to do about the baby I will support her. But her sister is so angry I don't even know how to deal with that.
She just sees this as another burden and knows we will have to do more than we should.
She does not have alot of friends and dosnt work we moved her from another country to get away from their father but that's another story.

[Hannah-RO]

Hi @Marie_069 

That would be so hard feeling like the three of you are so disconnected. And understandable your older daughter is experiencing a lot of anger, do you think she might benefit from speaking to a counsellor about how she's feeling?

It must be so tough that a lot of what your younger did is hard for you to forgive, I'm sure she will really appreciate your support 

[Birdwings]

I've been thinking about what you said here and about the other parents who have come to this forum, which also includes myself. One thing that really distinguishes us is that we're actively looking for constructive ways of improving what's going on in our families and we're not lying face down with our faces in the dirt saying the situation is hopeless. So, when you find yourself thinking that you're unable to make a difference to the situation, tell yourself that's a lie. It's not true. You are out seeking advise, support, information and skilling yourself up. You are being proactive. That's really good. This is advice I need to give to myself too. With my disability and severe health issues, it's easy for me to feel useless and that I can't step and do things, especially needing to isolate during covid. I don't even go to the supermarket atm. Acknowledge what you are doing and your efforts to reach out. Be encouraged and keep going. 

You mentioned at the end that you've moved countries to get away from their father and have made some extraordinary changes to try to improve things for your family and that you're also carrying this load alone. Feel free to share that situation as well if you like. This forum is anonymous but you're not alone. It's a safe and confidential place to share and there's a group of people here backing you up. 

Take care and I send you a few hugs. 

Best wishes,

Birdwings. 

[Marie_069]

Thank you I appreciate what you have said.
I havnt given up but some days I dont feel like I have anymore to give. I can sit with her and talk about things and think we have progressed and she will go and do exactly what she said she wouldn't. This frustrates me and makes me feel sad.
Both her sister and I watched her absolutely ignore us for over a year, during that time she did drugs,would skip school and lie all the time. She let a boy control her life and during this I still let her know I was there for her.
Then after the break up I saw a bit of light and could see the old her...but she still lied now is pregnant and sells xrated videos of herself. She says its because I won't give her money. I say that's because she used me for money all last year. It's just not a good situation. I love her completely but some days struggle to like her.

[Janine-RO]

Hi @Marie_069 , it sounds like you have been an amazing support for your daughter, I can imagine that moving to a new country with two daughters as a single parent must have taken a huge amount of courage and strength. 

I think it is completely understandable if you are feeling like you don't have any more to give some days - as parents, it can often be easy to feel like you have to keep on giving and giving, but you can't pour from an empty cup. I'm just wondering if you've ever had any support for yourself? I think that @Birdwings  is absolutely spot on, it's so important to try and do something that's just for you, whether that is taking walks, doing yoga, having a bath alone, going to the beach - whatever it is that 'fills your  cup'. 

I'm also wondering if your daughter is working, or studying at the moment? It must be so difficult seeing her making the decision to sell x rated videos of herself. 

Has she opened up any more about what she would like to do about her pregnancy? 

You sound like such a loving and caring mum, and I think what @Birdwings said it perfectly: "One thing that really distinguishes us is that we're actively looking for constructive ways of improving what's going on in our families and we're not lying face down with our faces in the dirt saying the situation is hopeless. So, when you find yourself thinking that you're unable to make a difference to the situation, tell yourself that's a lie. It's not true. You are out seeking advise, support, information and skilling yourself up. You are being proactive". 

Your daughter is very lucky to have you in her corner, and we are all here for you.