I dont know what to do to help my 14 year old.

[Anon1]

My daughter suffers from PTSD and disassociation disorder and lately she has become physically and verbally violent with me and her brother who is 8 with ASD. She has threatened to kill me and her brother multiple times where um at the point that I have to leave the house with my son. The police have been involved and they threatened if I was to call again they'd report me to DCP and have my daughter put as ward of the state she has been in and out of hospital this year from threatening to kill herself and self harming. I'm scared as I do not know how to help her anymore she has CAMHS appts but doesnt attend them like she should I cannot make her, she wont let me talk to her counsellour without threatening me and I cannot make her do anything she will not listen to me and thinks everything I say to her is an attack. After her outbursts that can last from 15mins to 5 hours she acts like nothing has happened and apologises says she loves me and its calm until next time which could be the same day or 5 days later. My daughter was the apple of my eye and now I'm scared of her I cannot sleep as I'm very worried that she will do something either to herself or to me and her brother. I have very little support and she has driven a lot of my friends away and tries to control things I do I've lost jobs because of her issues and I'm finding it hard splitting myself between my 2 children. This has been escalating for approx 2-3 years but she has become physical with me in the past 6mths. She is defiant to anything I say but will work with others well. I'm ashamed of what is happening in my house I'm ashamed to go outside in case the neighbors see me because she screams histerically for hours on end with abuse and threats and I'm embarrassed of myself and that I'm failing as a mum. I have very little support into my 65 yr old mum that works full time and my daughter has been verbally abusing her aswell when my mum tried to support me. I have so much guilt because I am a single mum with 2 kids to 2 different fathers (my daughter has called me a **bleep** because of that) and I've made a lot of mistakes. I cannot tell anyone what's happening I'm just ashamed of myself.

[Jess1-RO]

Hi @Anon1,

Welcome to ReachOut- It takes so much courage to talk about what is happening in your home, and I want you to know that we hear you  This is such a challenging situation you are in right now, and one that I can imagine would be really scary for you and your children.

I'm hearing that you aren't feeling very safe in your house right now and that this has been an ongoing experience for you the last few years. With everything going on, I can imagine this is all effecting your health and wellbeing immensely. Are you currently seeking professional support for you? I would really highly recommend it - with everything that is happening, you deserve support right now.

I am not sure if you have come across 1800RESPECT before, but they could be a really helpful to talk to when you want to talk about violence at home (and also if you want to speak to someone anonymously)- they support people experiencing domestic violence or abuse. We refer a lot of people to this support line who are going through similar things. 

I can see from your post you have been trying to do everything you can for your kids. I want to acknowledge that you said you are feeling ashamed right now, I can imagine that must be such a hard feeling to carry. On this forum, I hope you can find you are not alone and that there is a community that understands that feeling- we are here for you and admire your courage and openness in sharing your story with us

[hippychick]

Hi @Anon1

I am so sad to hear how things are going with your daughter. Teenagers can be so volatile at times. Are you able to figure out what triggers her violent behaviour? Is there a pattern? Is it happening at certain times of the day? Triggers are helpful. When she is violent, how do you react? One thing I find helpful, is when you see her beginning to escalate, **bleep** the conversation in the bud, walk away. Tell her you will talk about it later and leave her alone. Never allow yourself to enter her rage zone. When she is calm, do you ask what you can do to help her when she feels out of control? I would love to hear how youre going. Any time you need someone to listen, we are here..we are all going through issues with our kids too.

[Dad4good]

Hi @Anon1,

I hope things are on the improvement. It sounds like such a tough time for you and your family. I have difficulties with my 14 year old son, but the aggression is towards me (and not his younger sisters - and so I am lucky).

My son also is violent and then a short time later acts as though nothing has happened. It feels very strange. In the heat of the violence I try and keep my distance and walk outside (less chance of the house being damaged). I haven't found a way to de-escalate him when he is "in a rage". Sorry I cant be of much help.

I was so sad to hear about your feelings of guilt and shame. You are going though an unimaginably difficult time in your life. You have two children, each with their own challenges, and you are doing it on your own. You are clearly trying to make a better life for your kids. You are amazing, and I'm sure everyone who read your post feels the same way. I wish you all the best over the Christmas period.

Best of luck