My 14 years old grandson seems to think that verbal abuse and name calling is just ''teasing''

[sailonbluesea]

Last night we were out for a family diner, something we don't often do as a whole family. There was me, the other Grandma', my daughter (who is his mother), the other grandson who's 12 ( his younger brother), and the father, who is my daughter's husband. It was the 14 years old 8-grade school graduation, He ordered his food but he did not eat it and said he wasn't hungry yet he is usually a huge eater and has issues with weight. While we were eating our dinner he was fidgeting endlessly and eventually began to make fun of my accent (I have a foreign accent) I ignored this for a while but soon I told him to stop immediately, he got more aggressive and started to call me ''old lady'' and laughing as if it was all a big joke, the other Grandma' noticed his behavior and I told her I was going to ignore it, but I couldn't ignore it for long, I went off telling him that he was not amusing and how disrespectful he was ..etc....etc., eventually he stopped. His mother, my daughter, seemed to have been oblivious to the whole thing even tho she was sitting next to him, and his father seemed totally unaware of the whole situation...but  I know that they heard what was going on. When we got back to his house he went straight to his bedroom, I went after him because I had a small present to give him for graduating ( I should have kept it). In his room, he had a hole punched in the wall, he said he did that when he was angry. I left their house feeling very upset and worried about what is going on in my daughter's life.

At times, The younger brother is the target of his frustrations and anger and he'll go and destroy something the younger kid loves, he manipulates and does not protect & defend the 12 years old. This is affecting the younger one in such a negative way that he is convinced the older brother hates him and he has been spending a lot of time out of his house and over friends' house.

The 14 year old  is not all bad but I can see how destructive the dynamic in the family is. I was never allowed to discipline them, and if I want to correct them my daughter would have an argument with me, ...but I am not willing to be disrespected by this teen.

I can only bring my concerns and frustrations up to a point because my daughter doesn't seem to be able to deal with it now and turns her frustrations on me, my conversation with her husband (the teen's father) are only superficial, to me he is useless, my daughter tells me she is stuck and that the marriage is over. I worry for my daughter and the 2 kids, especially the younger one. Any thoughts?

[Hannah-RO]

Hey @sailonbluesea 

This must have been really upsetting for you last night, I'm sorry this happened and I really appreciate you sharing. 

It is really tricky when the children are not yours and you don't want to step on the toes of the parents around discipline for the children. I do think though it isn't unreasonable for you to say to your grandson that you don't want to be treated the way he was treating you and put your own boundaries in around this. I think it is great that you are adamant about not being disrespected by him. Do you think there could be a way to have that conversation with him? 

It must be very upsetting and stressful knowing how your daughter is feeling about her marriage. It sounds like it is a very distressing time for all of you and that you are doing your best to be supportive  Have you been able to check in with her since last night? It seems things are very full on for her at the moment, maybe it could be nice to do something together just the two of you? Like go for a coffee or a walk - I'm not sure if these are things you do, but how would you feel about spending a bit of time together to check in on how she is going and let her know you're thinking of her? 

I hope some of this is helpful! Let us know how things are going 

[sailonbluesea]

Thank you for your response. I did talk to my grandson after the incident in question to let him know that when I say  '' stop'' I expect him to stop, but we have been in this same kind of situation a few times before, he seems to find pleasure in finding the ''upset button'' on anybody. This is not about me, I can work out my feelings, It is about him and what motivates him to act this way, what needs does it satisfies in him...? It's about helping him solve the issue. I have talked to my daughter and I know there are many issues in her family that she is overwhelmed by but need to be addressed and resolved.  Thank you for taking the time to respond to my inquiry.

[Sophia-RO]

Hello @sailonbluesea , it's great to hear that you have been able to talk with your grandson and daughter about your concerns about his behaviour. It sounds like things have been difficult for you lately, which I am sorry to hear about. It's awesome that you are focussed on exploring why your grandson has been behaving this way, it sounds like you have been very supportive of him and that you care a lot about him. You mentioned that your daughter is feeling overwhelmed by issues in her family, does she have much support (apart from yourself) around her at the moment?