My 3 year old son

[Concernedfather]

Basically I’m a young father with 2 kids one is three years old and wants nothing to with his parents. This has been going on for about six months. The reason being that I don’t give him what he wants. We live with my girlfriends parents at there house and basically my son is obsessed with her mother. The reason being because she gives him what he wants. One is allowing him to eat junk and drink soda for breakfast lunch and dinner. Another thing he is allowed to do is watch scary movies like he knows who micheal Myers is and pennywise and chucky is. I don’t not allow him to do those things but she does. The obsession with these awful characters is out of control and they do nothing but feed it. The other day he stood in the dark with a knife saying I’m chucky. I’ve tried to say no but basically she has taken my abilities to be a parent to my son away from me and given my current financial stability I can’t move anywhere unless I get full custody of my kids. I tried to say no and tell her parents we don’t agree with it but they respond with we are **bleep** and I’m not going to be the bad mimi and deny him. I’m at a lost on what to do I’m afraid of the path he’s going on and given the current situation I don’t have much say in the matter. Any advice would be hopeful because I’m running out of hope to fix my son

[WonderNanny]

Your son is only 3? Playing with knives is definitely not a good idea at that age because they are unaware of the danger to themselves.

[Concernedfather]

I know but I tell him no and that’s the end of it but when his grandmother sees it they pretty much feed his bad habits and let him watch videos of clowns and horror movies that a 3 year old shouldn’t be watching and I have to work 60 hours to get by and unfortunately given the situation my rights as a parent were taken from me and I’m at a loss on what to do

[Bre-RO]

Hey @Concernedfather 

This sounds like a really tough situation to be in. I can hear that you are a caring father who wants the best for your little boy. It must be difficult having to compete with parenting styles within the household - especially as the father. 

I can understand your concern and I'm glad you've sought out some support with this. While many of the parents here could relate to your situation, this forum is for parents of children between 12-25 years old. As you'd be facing different challenges we think you might be able to get some support from the Raising Children's Network as they have resources for toddlers here. 

There's also the number for the Parents Hotline if you'd like to speak with someone over the phone you can find their website here. 

I hope you're able to find a resolution to the situation you're in and the support to do so. 

[WonderNanny]

He won't listen to you, because he has adults letting him do what he wants. Troubled teens are built at this age. All of the problems you hear about adolescence, start now. He needs guidance, but isn't receiving it. He also sounds like he is not in a good environment. Have you talked to an attorney? I don't know your situation, but your son is not safe there....and it is going to get worse.

As long as the adults are not on the same page when it comes to the children, they will not feel a need to listen. I don't know what the situation is between you and his grandparents, but I assume it isn't good. Otherwise I would suggest you all have a long talk about getting on the same page with his discipline, and behavior. It is IMPERATIVE that something happens now, or you will have an out of control teenager on your hands one day.

[Concernedfather]

I mean every time I see him he tells me to go away. I mean he wants nothing to do with his parents and this has been going on for 6 months. Now he’s practicing/playing that he’s chucky pretending to hurt people. I mean I can’t fix him unless we move out but financially I can’t because of who I’m with and unless I get full custody of my kids I can’t leave so I’m kind of stuck and anything I say or do to try to fix my child’s attitude is ignored because basically his grandmother took over the roll as his mother and father.

[Concernedfather]

Also my kids mother doesn’t interact with either kids unless it involves sitting on the couch/ going to bed or being on the phone and because of the lack of help I have to do everything financially and take care of everything at home

[WonderNanny]

He's a 3 year old, so telling you to go away is no big deal. It is normal, because you are telling him to do something he doesn't want to do. It is the same as the parent of a 3 year old telling them they can't have a candy bar for breakfast, and the toddler screams "I hate you" or "Your mean". 

I don't know the history, and I don't know what kind of father you have been. It sounds like family counseling would be a great start. If things are exactly how you describe, I am shocked you haven't already gotten an attorney to save your son from his grandmother. It sounds like she is using him to hurt you, but it is doing detrimental damage to him. He WILL grow into a troubled adolescent, unless you act NOW!

Do whatever it takes to get your life together ASAP, and save your son. It sounds like neither the grandmother or the mother are fit to raise him, but we are only hearing one side of the story. 

If you can't move out financially because of who you are with, then there has to be a LOT more to the story. If you are in a bad relationship, then you have a choice to make: your partner or your son. Who do you want to save?

[Jess1-RO]

Hi @Concernedfather and I am so sorry to hear about the difficult situation you are in. I can imagine this must be so stressful to see your boy display concerning behaviours, and be antagonistic towards you. 

I am hearing that you are doing the heavy lifting when it comes to your family's financial responsibilities, and that your partner's parents are with your son most days, is this correct? You've also mentioned that your partner is living in the home, but not too involved with the kids. Have you had a conversation with her about this situation? What are her thoughts?

I can definitely understand your concern for your children; it sounds he is exposed to a lot of things he shouldn't be at this age. How old is your second child, and have there also been concerns with their behaviour or safety?

Ultimately, I think you have good instincts and are feeling that this situation is not okay- trust your gut. I'm hearing that financially moving out would be a challenge, and would require a legal discussion around custody. Have there been any discussions with the family about custody to date? 

[WonderNanny]

Assuming you don't have an option but to stay there for now. The best advice I can giving is this:

Try to convince everyone to go into family counseling for the sake of your son. If they are not willing to do that, then it is time for a very serious, and honest family meeting. You are going to have to be tough, and think about what is best for your kids.

Do NOT come from a place of anger. Let everyone know you are worried about your baby. Approach it something like this:

"I know you love him as much as I do, and you want the best for him. But I am worried, and seeing some very troubling behavior". Then delve into the problems, and come up with a TEAM solution. Everyone will have to be on the same page, or he will continue to develop problems. One thing is certain, the behavior cannot continue.

Talk to the grandmother, and everyone else involved. They might think the behavior is cute....but the cuteness will fade. Ask them how they will respond if he is pulling knives on people when he is 13.

Let them know YOU will be going to counseling to get advice, even if they refuse to go. If they are using him to hurt you, that thought will scare them....because they know the behavior is wrong.

You also need to be firmer with your son. Do NOT let him treat you like that. Are you familiar with discipline that works at his age? If not....I can give some guidance. But it is important that you act like a father, and discipline him when needed. Do not be scared of his words.... you are the parent, and it is important that he treat you like you are in charge, not him. Take knives away, start using proper discipline, and be firm. Do NOT let the grandmother interfere, remind her that you are his father and you WILL do what is best for your son.