Needing help.

[Shikadesfarm]

I recently opened my home to a very troubled girl whose father us a depressed person. Heavily adficted to marajuana and starting to drink heavily. He was becoming extremely abusive and she askedf if she c ould move in. As she has been misding too much school this year and said she wanted to get on with her studies i allowed her. Forst week was fine until i realised she wasnt observant of my house rules. 8pm mobiles off . 9.30pm lights out for sleep. She hasnt everhad rrules or chores at home as her nan ( father asnd dad housed with her) did everything for her as she gave up applying rules due to this girls firey moods. 2nd week i found out sge had wagged school tjen did her own thing and went elsewhere instead of either informing me or letting me know. My own two children were upset as they know chores need to be done before they are able to do anything else . Chjores are done every saturday i should mention with dishes every night. Thus young lady talked about me in a very bad way nothingnof it true which was fine as i ignored it . When she didnt come bavk for 4 days i decided i couldnt help her and it was time for her to go. Before i had a chance to sit down with her she told me she had decided to move out to her friends. I felt relieved but still had a cvhat with her. I conffonted calmly about her actions . She packed and saud she would het her belongings the next day. All day at school she was abusive to my daughter tjrough sms and snapchat. Eventually my daughter blocked her. I phoned the school to asdk for advice and they told me tjey would have a chat to the girl aboit it and ask hervto stop. She came on a diffetent day to get her belongingsand then i had a call from her grandma accusing of us stealing some of her syuff. Clearky upset by this we checvked the room she stayed in and found various of items of hers she hadnt packed. For 6 days now she has been spreading rumors ganging up on my children telling people ij threw her out whuch i didnt do. Whjile i csn ignore words saud about me i cant ignore the fact she feels my children csn be treated the way they are being even though both kids have her blocked on social networks and their mobiles I just dont know what to do.

[Ngaio-RO]

hich she's currently feelimf Hi @Shikadesfarm

What a horrible situation for you and your kids to be in. I'm so sorry you have to go through this as a result of trying to help someone. You did a wonderful thing, opening your home to the young girl, so it's super yuck that it's ended so badly. Especially for your kids.

Do you think it might help your kids to understand why she's acting out like this by giving them some insight into her childhood and current situation? Maybe explaining how she doesn't have a loving home like they do or a supportive loving mum like they do and that she never learned how to manage feelings like a disappointment. Which she's currently feeling because of not being able to stay at your place.

What do you think?

[Shikadesfarm]

My children are aware of her situation and were nothing but nice to her. She has chosen to move onto a family known to police. I am worried for her but as police have said she made her own bed. She has missed more school days thsn ever and today her first lot of exams. Of course none of us can force her to get help but hope she does realise so many of us tried to help her and she treated all of us badly. She has always pushed others away instead of dealing with her problems. We really were getting somewhere until she realised rules had to be follwed and she tested me and her teachers. I am just too kind snd will help anyone. I am hurt myself and now need to say no and concentrate on my own family. I will always worry over her but its not my problem to deal with now. Its up to her. So many advised and gave her ideas on help but it was up to her to seek it. I didnt kick her out i was nice about telling het perhaps i cpuldnt help her asnd it was best she leave. She agreed and said good cause my friends said i csm move in tyomorrow. This surtprtised me. Her accusations of me kicking her out was false. If anythinv she waited til i saud something before she dropped a bombshell onto me and then has her wonderful story of how i threw her out. This hurts. I would never do that to anyone. Or stop them should they wish to leave. This experience is not what i had hoped for.

[taokat]

Hey @Shikadesfarm, welcome to the forum, and thank you for sharing with the community. I'm so sorry that things have worked out this way for you and the family after opening your home to this girl. It can be very hurtful when we give of ourselves to others and we get bad mouthed for our efforts. 

It sounds like this poor girl hasn't had a lot of love or care in her upbringing. Abuse and neglect is very damaging for kids. Her self esteem and sense of worth is likely not great, and the way she's treating others is more likely a reflection on her feelings about herself rather than about those who have tried to help her.

I hope that helps take a bit of the sting out of the hurt you're feeling. 

It's so sad that she is now missing school and exams. I'm guessing she's old enough to be making her own choices, and it's a shame these are the choices she's making. 

It was lovely of you to invite her to stay and I'm sorry it's worked out this way for all involved. 

[taokat]

Hey @Shikadesfarm, I just wanted to check in and see how you and the kids are?

[Shikadesfarm]

Kids and i are doing good. Sorry for slow reply. Been busy today tidying up our farm and my elderly farmer friend as well for thunderstorm on its way. Much needed rain as its a drought here. Young lady in question has rebelled. She believes the family she lives with now are cool because they let her do whatever she wishes. I heard from her grandmother who.has shown absolute disappoint and worry in her but is helpless to do amything. As our wonderful police tell us sadly theresnot mucvh that can be done as she is of age to do as she pleases. I have been to see my own counsellor and have stepped back. I need to as my own children need me. But yes we are doing good. Ending is near the end for the year and ny daughter has been looking for work to do over 6 weeks of school holidays throughout christmas. My son had his last game of cricket for the year tonight and cant wait to play next year for the remaining part of summer. Thsnks for asking hope everyone else is well too!!

[taokat]

I hope you got that storm @Shikadesfarm, with lots of rain!! It's been a really dry winter this year. 

It's so sad to hear about this young girl, but as you say, she's old enough to make her own choices. Sometimes we need to take a step back to look after our own. I'm so glad you have a counsellor for support, they can be so helpful when we're grappling with things we find hurtful or confusing hey. 

It sounds like your kids are focused and have things to look forward to which is awesome. I'm glad to hear you're all doing well.

If you're interested, we run a parent chat night each Friday night from 8pm (AEDST). The link is here for this week's chat. We'd love to see you there! 

[Inaspot2day]

My son is 53. Am I eligible to participate?

[Breez-RO]

Hey there @Inaspot2day, ReachOut parents is intended for use by parents of 12-18 year old Australians however there are other online communities that could be incredibly useful to you The BeyondBlue forums have a really large and helpful community, Sane Australia also have a forum here. Let us know how you get on!