Parent alienation

[Sadmum20]

Seeking advice, I have 2 children to my ex 15 and 13. He was abusive and controlling through out our 10 year relationship.we separated and divorced 10 years ago. After staying single,building a career and building our forever home ,I found someone and married a few years later and had a baby. My ex has always been controlling and once found out I was pregnant he staying saying stuff to our children like that baby isn’t your sibling, it’s not your blood ect and things got worse after our baby was born. Our baby was born with a rare genetic condition and has been sick and my ex would say stuff to the kids like he is retarted, I only love him and anything else you can imagine he said. Each time I sat down with my children and explained this isn’t the case and tried to put things in place to prevent this. We shared 50/50 with the children and he started picking them up on my days so I didn’t know where they were ect .when COVID hit we had to isolate as much as possible as our Bub is very high risk and my ex used that to say to the kids I won’t let them do anything and don’t love them. One day they came home after he picked them up on my day and walk in and said “mum you have 3 kids and you’re lazy and you should of picked us up” I let them know I just got home from picking them up but their dad picked them up without me knowing! At this point I’m holding our 7mo fb old and my daughter walks up and screams in his face I **bleep**en hate you...I said ok this is enough,you will not say you hate anyone in this house,my kids continued to say that they love their step brothers at their dads house but not their brother. I went in my room to calm down and cry and in the mean time they had packed up their bag and ran out where he was waiting and I haven’t seen them since(6 months ago) I have had abuse from my ex telling me to go kill myself and then from his gf. I started mediation and had to reschedule (my mum is terminally ill and was in hospital) I got abused by the gf for changing the appt. I had the appt approx 2 weeks later, they both refused all contact (for no reason) said a visit to my dying Mum may be possible) nothing has happened and then got a abusive letter in my mail box from my daughter saying I shouldn’t be doing mediation. He has changed everything so I can’t contact them and only have their email.I have sent calm,loving open emails with no response, I have sent once soul breaking email with no response and I just don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know how to reach my children who are completely broken because of their father

[Hannah-RO]

Hey @Sadmum20 

I'm so sorry that this awful situation is happening for you and your family. It must be so horrible to have had such terrible things said about you and your baby, and I really feel for you. I understand you're going through mediation at the moment, are you getting any support around this? I was just having a google for legal supports near you and found this legal service for women that might be able to offer some support or advice. 

There is also the Family Law Support Service near you that can provide advice from lawyers and social workers, is that something that would be helpful for you? 

I'm sorry you've not received any response back from your children on email, it must be truly heartbreaking to not hear back from them and to not have had contact with them for months. If you wanted to have a chat with someone about how you're feeling, Parentline offers one-on-one phone counselling from 9am - 9pm Mon-Fri and 4pm - 9pm on Weekends. 

I hope some of this information is helpful, let us know how you're going 

[Sadmum20]

Thankyou for your email and suggestions, unfortunately because I have always done 50/50 with my ex(I felt kids deserve both parents and still do) we never had any court orders and due to their age now I have no hope in regards to court as they can choose where they want to live. Which isn’t with me after all the things he has said and done. I have also done one mediation session which was biased...I haven’t had any contact with my children for 6 months and he refused everything yet the mediation lady demanded I stop sending my kids emails and I give it their belongings to them which is not needed as children had stuff in each house. It appears this lady became biased after learning I’m in a same sex marriage and I have put in a formal complaint and not heard anything from that. I truly feel I am hitting brick walls , and as he admitted their is no reason he is keeping the kids away eg no abuse or neglect just pure jealousy over myself moving on. I put that post up to reach out for advise how to connect with my children and to survive each day without them until they come home as it’s a real struggle. I’m also interested in any suggestions on becoming a better me for when my children come back

[Hannah-RO]

Hey @Sadmum20 

Thanks for getting back to us. I'm so sorry you have had this awful experience with mediation, that is devastating that anyone would make a judgement about your relationship in that way. My heart really goes out to you, and good on you for putting in a complaint. Could it be worth following up on that complaint? 

In terms of how to connect with your children, I'm wondering if maybe the service Relationships Australia might have some advice that could be helpful for you? They offer a range of services including counselling, workshops, mediation, and educational programs. They also offer a childrens contact service that could be worth looking into for parents who are separated.

And I think in terms of becoming a better you that self care is really important. Posting here on this forum about your concerns and worries really shows how deeply you care for your children and that you clearly love them so much. What do you do to show yourself some love? Are there things that make you feel comforted that you like to do when you're feeling down?

I hope some other parents are able to jump in here and offer some support as well 

[S-A-W]

Hello. I can see you posted this a long time ago, but I’m wondering if you wouldn’t mind sharing where things are at now with your kids? My story is very similar to yours, only I’m further behind so curious to know how it turned out.