Discussion forum for parents in Australia
03-04-2018 10:52 PM
Hey @Schooner and @Sister, thank you for your replies. Sorry it's taken me time to respond, I read them and was so tired I thought it best to wait!
@Schooner, I've had some really interesting conversations with others who haven't been surprised at all my collapse - apparently it's very common with carers. And we're parent carers which adds an additional element to the equation. I'm so glad I opened up as just knowing that it's a common thing that happens really eases my worry about it. So we're not alone!
I'm so happy to hear your son's friends - there's nothing better than seeing their confidence grow and friendships establish!
How did the meeting go on Friday?
@Sister it was so lovely reading that you had a conversation with your son without abuse.
It can be tough as a single mum, and I also had to resign from my job to look after my daughter. I think that's been more important than the money too. I see it as an investment in my daughter's future. She's way more stable now though and doing well at tafe, so things are easing.
I think the key for us was a caseworker we were lucky enough to have for 2 years. She taught me loads about the teenage brain and helped me understand what my daughter is going through. She taught me how to respond to her, and how to recognise my own 'shark music' which often leads us to respond emotionally based on our own experiences, which isn't usually beneficial!
I learnt to apologise to my daughter if I shouted or whatever, which in turn taught her to do the same. We've worked out it's all about the repair after any issue. Communication has been a key component to our changes for the better.
I'm so glad you're getting counselling for yourself. Have you looked into the ReachOut parent coaching? I also did that last year which helped me come up with new strategies as my daughter gets older. The link is here if you'd like to look into it. (My apologies if we've already pointed you in that direction!)
03-05-2018 05:36 PM
Hi @taokat and Others,
Thank you for pointing out about our own responses in relation to our daughters and sons behaviours and how our we can often react due to our own experiences. This is a lot of work! Not just for our kids but for us too. I believe we really need to deal with our own stuff before we can truly heal alongside our children. Seems like we are doing this but it is exhausting.
My son has not been wth me for several weeks and he is staying with relatives. The situation could not have continued....I was becoming so burnt out trying to deal with his overwhelming anxiety that caused him to act aggressively. I had incidences in the car where he nearly triggered me to have an accident...he threw something at my windscreen and cracked it, plus another time yanked my hair so hard that it jarred my neck. Has damaged property at home, screams and yells and it just took so much out of me. He is such a beautiful boy (in spite of his actions around anger) and I've tried to help him so much but it became an impossible situation. 9 times out of 10, I tried to stay calm through his outbursts but lately I began acting in anger and retaliation which was not helping the situation at all.
Recognising my own shortcomings, I accepted a badly needed break from some super kind and lifesaving relatives who were doing things to help disadvantaged youth but then they realised that their mission was to help my sons situation. Thank goodness!
Although its been so incredibly peaceful here at home since my son left to temporarily stay with them, I am just so incredibly sad at what has happened to my family. Divorced and now without my kids! My other sibling and i are incredibly close and have shared an awful lot...they live away and i feel really blessed that they have pulled through all the turmoil unscathed. But I miss them! I don't miss my sons behaviours though but I miss the boy I love.
I am getting long-overdue counselling (both privately and with the reach out counselling) and have cut back my work load to just 2-3 days per week...enough to pay the bills. Money is the least of my huge concerns ......I just wish my son to be happy and to be able to not act on his anger in unhealthy ways. To treat me well without swearing and yelling all the time. I don't think its a lot to ask. He is an angel with others and has always let out his anxiety on his close family. He is now at a residential school due to all his struggles around learning. Another issue we have needed to deal with.
He sees a psychologist, psychiatrist and is on antidepressant medication.....we struggled for ages with side effects to get the right dose/type. We battled with worsening aggression, suicidality, self-harm and overwhelming anxiety and depressive symptoms. Police were involved twice. I dealt with this mostly on my own. Not recommended! My work mates, most family members and friends have no idea of the extremes around my sons illness or our plight. I kept it hidden wanting to protect my son and myself. Big mistake and one I can only learn from.
I am wondering whether other parents are in a similar situation of just feeling really sad about their current plights in spite of doing everything possible to help their children? Without appearing like a victim or feeling sorry for ourselves.....its been an enormous challenge! The situation has been difficult for me because its been hidden.....I was always concerned over stigma and labels of mental illness. I would say to other parents, that it is vital to ask for help. I didn't and it was too much. My own independence became an enemy.
I have been simply pouring my heart out here. Thanks to this forum for allowing me to do this. Around others I am the helper.....but now its me who needs the help! I just wish to be the best I can to assist my son with his issues and life struggles. But I realise now that this is not possible unless I help myself first. Its a tough process but not impossible!
Can any of you other parents/carers identify with any of this in regards to their own teenagers and if so, how did you get through it?
Oh yes...this is just not about my stuff! @taokat and @Schooner and all the other parents out there......am so happy that your children are beginning to turn a corner and be happy!
03-05-2018 06:19 PM
Hey @taokat, I hear you about being too tired to respond!
The meeting was as good as can be expected I guess. They had an expensive lawyer. Somehow we got off topic and wasted a lot of time talking about matters I didn't think were that relevant. Anyway, that's round one. More to come.
I've worked on apologising to my kids too. As they become teens it is important I think. We expect them to apologise if they are wrong, so we need to set an example.
OK.... "shark music" ? "please explain!"
Cheers
03-05-2018 06:33 PM
Hi @Sister,
It is incredibly hard. I recognise it as the worst time of my life.
Like you, there were times when I could not find the strength to be calm through another yelling session. Thankfully I'm bigger and heavier than my son, although I never felt he would actually harm me. It is hard to pull away at those times. I, too, carry most of the burden. I feel guilty when I ask for help! Yeah, I know I shouldn't, but I've got a male ego on top of everything else
Still, there are times when I just had to say "I can't do it".
I actually found the police to be really helpful and respectful. They've only been here once, but after that I don't worry about them turning up. Keeps the neighbours guessing too
There are times when I was sad about my family. I remember when they were young, holidays at the beach, that sort of thing. I have to wonder where it went wrong. Luckily my son is getting better month by month. Yesterday, after I told him he could not have a violent video game (Left for Dead 2, it's 18+ and looks really violent), he didn't yell at me. He told me he was working at controlling his anger! That makes me happy.
I hope your son can turn a corner too. I think you are right, it is not impossible, we just have to find the strength to hang in there.
Cheers
03-05-2018 06:46 PM
03-07-2018 12:54 AM
Hey @Schooner, I'm glad round one is over. That would've been frustrating having things go off topic though. I hope the next round is more focused.
It was really hard at first for me apologising to my daughter - particularly seeing it had to start during our really tough times! But I agree, we need to set the example for them.
"shark music" hehe. It's a term I learnt doing the circle of security parenting course. It's that 'uh-oh' or 'oh no' feeling you get in your gut which is based on past experiences of our own that affect the way we parent. A lot of our worry about our kids is shark music I think!! There's some great info about it online. Let me know what you think!
03-07-2018 01:33 AM
Hey @Sister, I can relate to all you say. This is the hardest job out there, under paid and without recognition, and sometimes dangerous and frightening!
It's so great that you're getting this much needed respite. It'll give you time to replenish the stores and put in place some self-care routines to keep your head above water once your son comes home again.
I find it so sad that my daughter has developed her issues. Our lives have changed so much, neither of us are who we used to be, but there are positives in that too. It takes a lot of love, patience, persistence and learning the best ways to encourage the best out of our kids. It doesn't require perfection, much to my relief!!
After a big disappointment on the weekend, my daughter's had a slip up and missed the last 2 days of tafe. She says she's going back tomorrow though, so she's picked herself up again which is the main thing. The journey's never linear!
03-09-2018 06:48 PM
Hi @taokat,
You seem to be going so well with your daughter. She too with her TAFE studies.
Its really ok to not be perfect. 2 days off is better than 2 terms!
Hang in their @taokat.....you are doing a great job. Make sure you continue with your own interests. I used to drop everything for my son.......of course there are times when this is still necessary but our needs are important too!
My son is still with family and won't be returning for 2 weeks. I miss him but not the behaviours. He is happy and well cared for, so that is the main thing. As important as education is, I've learnt that mental health and happiness are more important. He has missed out on so much school and struggles with mainstream learning. Quite bright but learns differently. I'm sure there are other parents out there whose adolescents are similar.
It is one step at a time. Mental health stability and then the learning. All I can hope for is that my son can somehow find something he enjoys. But he needs the marks first! Possibly he will to TAFE like your daughter, @taokat (?)
"Talk" later.
@Sister
03-10-2018 12:40 PM
I'm afraid all is not as good it seemed @Sister. My daughter's missed this whole week of tafe, refused to go to work, and after all my hard work her counsellor has given her permission to quit her job and aim for half mast, so I'm devastated. She's basically been given permission to use her mental illness to escape doing anything she doesn't particularly like, so my hopes for her future are completely shattered.
03-10-2018 01:41 PM
I'm very sorry to hear that. Starting again is the hardest part. I hope you can find the strength and get back on track. I remember you saying "the journey isn't linear". Spot on, I think.
I hope to have some good news soon, best wishes to you and your daughter.
Cheers
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