Pansexual

[DeerPark_123]

Thank you so much for getting back to me. My daughter is an only child and we live in the mountains so not many neighbors. I make sure she has play dates with her friends every weekend, but it still allows her way too much time alone in her room on the internet. She started her period 3 months ago and she changed over night. I am definitely going to limit her iPad time and monitor it more closely. While at the same time, try not to make her angry. She is just how you described, everything is an obsession. First it was baby alives, then American Girl dolls, then she wanted to be a ventriloquist... we have indulged her every whim. Since she was a 2lb. Preemie and we live kinda isolated, she has never wanted for anything ever. She has been crazy spoiled. However, she always seems like she is grabbing at straws and nothing is ever enough. Now it’s this.... I assume it’s a phase too. I honestly don’t care what she chooses to be, but at 11 I feel it’s way to young to be making such a stand. She has always been over the top boy crazy since preschool. She always had to have a boyfriend. Almost inappropriately so. We had her hormones tested at 6 yrs old because she was getting pubic hair. Her testosterone levels were crazy high. We had her tested again at 8 and everything was within normal range. She doesn’t have any medical issues except when she was 5 she got lost in Kmart for 5 mins and her anxiety was so bad after that she had to go to a therapist. She saw the therapist all summer before starting kindergarten and has been able to manage her anxiety since. She did have an anxiety relapse this summer when we tried to put her in a day summer camp(not over night) just while her Dad and I worked during the day. We usually have a nanny during the summer but this past summer we decided she needed to be with other kids. Her anxiety stemmed mostly from not getting her way. We did have her talk to the therapist again about this during the summer. I remember the summer before last her trying to plan her future with needing to find a husband and any little boy who came over she tried to tell them about wanting to get married and have kids. It wasn’t sexual, just her needing to be secure(?). Her Dad and I have a great relationship, we are both very hands on and involved. I just think she is trying to get attention anyway she can. We are not homophobic in anyway. My brother who I am super close with is gay. He lives in San Francisco with his husband and they have been out to visit us several times and their sexuality is no secret. I am not sure where I am going with all of this. Hahahahaha I just want to do the right thing as a parent and sometimes it feels like there is no right answer. I am also fearful that she is telling her classmates about her new found sexuality and I know for a fact they won’t have any idea what she is talking about. And I worry that if it gets back to their parents, she won’t be allowed to play with them anymore. She still doesn’t understand what appropriate behavior is and when I try to tell her, I “just don’t get it. “ she says. I do know that I don’t want her talking to people on the internet about this because I bet none of them are 11 years old. Thanks for listening .

[Jay-RO]

Hey there @CSculptor,
Thanks for giving us an update You've given some fabulous advice on how to approach the situation. Have you spoken to your daughter about how she's going with her anxiety and therapy-wise?

@DeerPark_123 thank you for sharing your story with us It sounds like you are a wonderful and supportive parent to your daughter. It can definitely be difficult to have these conversations with your kids, especially when they're young. It's fantastic that you want to do the right thing, but it's true that sometimes there's no one right way to handle things. Do you think having someone else talk to your daughter about these things might be helpful? It's unfortunate that conversations with her aren't going well but perhaps having someone else talk to her might help her understand. What do you think?

[Lilly19]

We are 2 years into this journey. She has had a girlfriend, a boyfriend and now she is with a trans girl-boy. I let them go out and do what they want within reason. Being gay I wasn't too happy but I got thrown out so that was definitely not my road to follow. Society is insular and rather small minded when it comes to different.

It took a few mths for my girl to realise what I said was absolutely true - we are a minority. I am a very easy going parent and rarely say no due to very strict boundaries from birth. I don't get the pansexual and all the words that go with our teens these days and I don't try too. My job is to support and pick up the emotional stress when they break up. It is what it is and there is no topic in my household off bounds. That is not too say parenting different is easy whatsoever.

[chippy]

Hi Robmitch,

I've read your comments.  My daughter now refers to herself and him and my son.  He also stated that he is "Pan".  Loud and proud.  He is very much out there and afraid to be himself.  He currently has a partner.  I should mention that he is 15 and in high school.  I see him being himself.  Growing in skill.  Growing in confidence.  I go along with the ride.  I make the necessary decisions as they arrive and try and be as supportive as possible.  I try and remember that first and foremost I am the adult.  I try to guide and allow open discussion wherever possible.  That's what I do.  I notice your post was two years ago.  How are you today?

[Maplelove]

I read your post. And I feel
Like you just wrote that for me . My daughter is a follower. She has a big personality but always seems to follow. She watches all those you tube videos and is big into musical
Theatre and dance and she gets sucked in . She made a friend about2 years ago who has come out as bi and has bad anxiety . And then the next thing I know the girl I used to know - the fearless - big personality - always wanting to be the centre of attention is afraid what people will Think of her - and is telling me she has anxiety , she doesn’t want to dance anymore all her interested changed - all the things she loved she doesn’t anymore
Because this girl Doesn’t like it ... all her goals she has worked towards all the things she has wanted and talked about since she was 8 ( she is 13) are no longer important . I know some of this comes with age - but I also no how easily influenced my daughter is.

Now her friend is introducing her to her friends ( they go to different schools)
And all her pan and bi friends and now all of a sudden my daughter has come out Pan. I told her I just want her to be Happy. And I love her no matter what’s but I don’t buy it!

And I sound like a bad guy if I say anything . But I truly believe that it’s “ trendy” right now in that age group. I believe some kids truly are . And that’s great but I also think that right now it’s trendy to be a part of that group.

[Taylor-RO]

Hi @Maplelove, thanks for sharing your experience. It sounds like you are mainly concerned about the impact that other children are having on your daughter. Sexuality is very complicated and can be quite fluid. Sometimes people may be unaware of elements of their sexuality until they learn more about it or discuss it with others. From what you have mentioned, it seems like you may be most concerned about her tendency to follow/lose interest rather than her sexuality. Regardless, it is important to face the topic seriously, with a non-judgemental and active listening approach. You mentioned her interests have changed - does she have any new interests?

[Hello765]

Hello. I am 14 and I am a pansexual. And although I do not use a gender neutral name and do Identify as my born gender, I can assure it is not bc your children are troubled. And it also does not mean we have had any physical relations or want any yet. It just means we feel love towards people without taking gender into consideration. It is not anything anyone has done or any situation we have been put through, it's just the way we were made and nothing can change that or affect it. So don't worry your children are fine. We just don't fit into the hetero normative and we are "different" but that just makes us special and who we are. Hope this helped.