08-14-2017 06:58 PM - edited 08-14-2017 07:48 PM
Hi @Designed, I guess I disagree with things like use of the toilet, shower etc being priviledges. It's great that you have worked out solutions to all I expressed concern about. Can I ask what that looks like for your son?
Everyone's circumstances are different in one way or another and making comparisons isn't constructive for anyone, although I have definitely been where you have been with violence, abuse and threats. I am definitely no stranger to the extremes in parenting if that alleviates your concerns about my experiences and capability to understand.
He is a struggling teen, as was mine. I could never consider her cruel for any of the damage or destruction that was created amidst her outbursts. Very tough to cope with, dangerous most times, frightening yes - but not cruel. They just don't think like that, and they don't feel proud of their behaviours.
08-14-2017 09:19 PM
Hi @Designed do I understand you correctly, that your son has been refused access to a toilet for a period of time? Where is he going to the toilet? Does he have access to facilities so he can take care of his basic hygiene needs?
It sounds like your family has been having a terrible time trying to cope with your sons mental health issues and behaviour while also caring for your other children. I acknowledge that I do not have a thorough understanding of the whole situation other than what you have shared on the forum, and I have just focused on one thing here, but your comment about him earning the privilege of using the toilet has just really stood out to me.
08-15-2017 12:04 AM
08-15-2017 09:24 AM
Hi @Orbit64, I believe there's a huge difference between choosing to camp out with no facilities, or actiually not having hot water, to refusing use of these facilities when they are readily available.
Your comment about the behaviour being chosen I don't believe to be accurate. Is that what you've been told by psychologists or counsellors? For kids who've suffered trauma, as Designed stated her son had, it's not a choice. Trauma, mental health issues, being a teenager, all change the functioning of the brain - none of it they have control over. These are not bad kids. If someone breaks their arm, we (hopefuly) don't expect them to just keep using it as normal. If they can't, we don't restrict them from their basic rights available to everyone else in the family.
I have just found over the years of dealing with my daughter's struggles, that there are safer, more positive ways to achieve the same results. It does take time and continued effort, but I've found the benefits far outweigh short term reprieve we may get from ousting our kids out.
08-15-2017 09:57 AM - edited 08-21-2017 08:34 AM
Thanks @Orbit64 for your support. I find it difficult to know whether I should go into minute detail to explain everything, or just be happy knowing what we are doing is the first thing that has worked for 18 months and let it go.
08-15-2017 09:58 AM
Like all of this, it is a complex problem with complex solutions.
I do not believe that they are necessarily "bad children".
However in our case, there is choice being made that is clear from his behaviour around others.
He behaves with impeccable manners and behaviour around others when he chooses to. He choses to behave in the worst possible way around us. This is not involuntary. We are trying our best to understand why though.
There are behavioural norms acceptable and not acceptable in our society. If we do not comply with these norms, our society applies some kind of penalty for going outside those norms. He has gone a long way outside the acceptable behavioural norms for his school community and his family. Withdrawing access to his currency is one of the many things that may be used to address his behaviour.
I agree, that this cannot be done in isolation.
08-23-2017 07:17 AM
08-23-2017 11:51 AM
Hi @Designed this is good news for you. I don't know much about medication for ADHD however, I think you need to be guided by professionals on this one. If you have doubts about medication a second opinion is always wise. I understand is some cases, as children approach adult years the medication is gradually lessened until they can function completely without it. At least you may have some answers regarding his behaviour which I think is helpful. Keep us posted.
08-23-2017 11:55 AM
08-23-2017 01:43 PM