Son spending time with new girlfriend and getting into trouble

[Mum2017]

My son 16 is not getting enough sleep probably 6hrs at night and that is if he is home. He is out all day with his friends and sleeps out about 3-4 nights a week. 

Its not ok with me, but all i can do it tell him if he needs me I am only a phone call away. Admittedly he is home by 8pm on the nights i have night shift and stays home to look after the dogs whilst I am working. He only started this about two months ago when he started hanging around a girl that has led him in to more trouble than he was before and i am trying to hold it together but at a loss most times.

[Ngaio-RO]

That's really hard @Mum2017 It can be so difficult to know what to do in that situation. What have you tried so far?

[Mum2017]

So far i have just reassured him that i will pick him up at anytime and say to him that i would love him to come home to have dinner with me. He stated to use public transport but was getting home quite late. Then a week and a half ago the police brought him home and that just made me get more so concern as this is his first time in trouble with the police. He was caught with her and a few other people unlawfully on the school premisis at night. Since then i try to get him to come home but its not really working to be honest. Even after our interview with the police he still wants to hang out with this girl and her friends who all are well know to the police. I am scared i am going to loose my son 😢

[Ngaio-RO]

I'm so sorry to hear that @Mum2017

I think what you've offered to your son is a great approach. If he knows he can call you when he needs to, that can make a huge difference to him deciding to not stick around and get in trouble.

Is there anyone in his life that he could talk to about girls etc.? It sounds a bit like he's willing to go to any lengths just to be with this girl. It might be helpful for him to hear from an older male that healthy relationships don't ask you to sacrifice that much.

[Mum2017]

We don't have many male influences in his life mainly female. He has asked me for advice and i have tried to give him the best advice i can without being judgemental, but really i just want to say stay away from her, but i know that will make it worse. My son isnt a big talker or doesn't express his emotions well. Today at his great uncles funeral is the first time i have seen him show emotions without been intoxicated with alcohol or weed, which is yet another problem which has esculated since hanging around this girl.

[Ngaio-RO]

It can be really hard raising a young man when you're a woman on your own. I think young men do great with lots of female influences, but it doesn't make things like this very easy to manage.

Do you think he might be into a mentor program or something like that?  Does he play or follow any sports?

[Mum2017]

I tried to get him in to this community big brother group a while ago but we didnt not qualify. I would love him to have a mentor, but not sure where to go to find one or even if he would participate. He used to play basketball in a team with his mates I was the coach but they stopped playing in year 9. I asked him last week to start another team up, but wasnt keen. My dad has offered him on numerous occassion to go sailing with him as he want to teach him to sail so one day he can take over and own my dads yacht, but not keen. Before all this i decided to take him to Thailand for 10 days so in August we are heading there, hoping that showing him the world and whats out there will help him make better choices. But in all honesty i think i just grasping at straws.

[Ngaio-RO]

Oh that's such a shame that you couldn't get him in. I'm happy to try searching some more mentoring options, even if he says no now he might agree later.

The trip to Thailand sounds amazing. I'm sure just relaxing together will do wonders.

Is he expressing a desire not to go now, since the new girlfriend or is he keen?

[Ngaio-RO]

Hey @Mum2017

I hope it's ok that I made this a thread of its own. I just know there are other parents having similar issues who will benefit from reading what you've written as well as parents who have been through this and might have some suggestions on what could work.

@workingdad2 I know your son is a little bit older, do you have any tips Mum2017 could try?

[Lily17]

Is he a mature 16. Can you reason with him as this trip is a huge adventure for him.
My ex is o'seas and the kids visit once every 3 yrs. This time I was able to reason with them to make some changes mostly for my benefit but planning and getting involved may reduce some of the excitement this individual has been creating for him. I find headspace extremely beneficial with all things teen. Mostly because like RO it's online. I ask my teens if so and so jumped off a bridge would you jump as well? Of course, they reply well make sure you are all holding hands to stay balanced.