Teen wanting excessive freedom

[Teen15]

So I have a 15 year old who is strong willed and when he doesn't get his way, a major tantrum ensues. It's getting worse. Anyone with similar experience?

[Janine-RO]

Hi @Teen15 , 

That sounds really tough - helping teenagers to learn how to manage their anger and deal with conflict constructively is a really challenging part of parenting teens. We have a guide to anger and teens here ,if you want to read more about it, but anger can be really common for teens, especially as their brains are still developing until their early twenties. 

I'm wondering what the sources of the arguments are about, you mention that he's wanting excessive freedom - do you think meeting him halfway with some requests (for example, having friends over to your place instead of him going out at night) might help in your situation?  Is there anything else that seems to trigger conflict with him? 

If he's not in a calm enough state to talk to you about what's bothering him, learning some skills for how to help de-escalate the situation may also be helpful, we have an information piece about that here

If you ever feel like it might be helpful to chat to a professional about what you're going through with your teen, we also offer a free one to one coaching service for parents, you can find that here if you're interested. 

Thanks for reaching out here, and keep us posted on how you're getting on. 

[JAKGR8]

Hi @Teen15 

It can be really hurtful when our children get angry, especially when it's aimed at us.  We only want the best for them, right?  I'm not sure if I can offer much as my kids tend to do the silent treatment when they are angry.

@Janine-RO is so right about their emotions being very strong. It can help to remember that teens have similar brain growth to a toddler. If a toddler was having a melt down we'd give them a hug.  Not sure that could happen but I do find just a simple pat on the back can reset my son's feelings. I couldn't believe how effective touch was. He will also just come and lie on the bed next to me because he hates touch but knows it helps him. The middle girl won't let me touch her but she talks to her dad so that's ok. Also 15 yo boys are notorious for this type of behaviour then they turn 16 and can just suddenly change. The other thing we do is encourage them to go for a ride or walk - get out of the house. Not that they always will but we can hope. 

A thought about excessive freedom, have you considered using a bartering technique? You know when you negotiate the price of something you always go to the extreme so you can meet in the middle. For example, I will turn of their device access to our modem for the whole day and they come back with what hours they need and when and we go from there.  And if it stuff we are not comfortable with we treat it like introducing solids (like weaning on to something) so if they want to be allowed to do something it might be under a strict time limit or check in process the first few times. A way to show they can be trusted to make good choices.  And we use that exact phrase 'good choices' as it promotes a positive negotiation. 

It would be nice to know what 'excessive freedom' means for your family. 

Hope things get better soon.