Teenager Abusive & Making life HELL

[123ooo]

This teenager (f, 16):

• Doesn't go to school (tried multiple).
• Doesn't go to any counseling offered, even over the phone. Simply turns off phone and blocks out the world.
• Doesn't listen to parents.
• Will abuse mother into getting what she wants + casual abuse 24/7 too, e.g. attacking physically when mother won't get them their special meal from wherever they decide.
  • One time they smashed an object over the mum's head, causing her to bleed a lot.
• Constantly tells the mother that they are a awful parent, that they hate them.
• Will manipulate mother into doing things for them like a sociopath and then turn abusive if they don't get what they want.
  • Has no problem terrorizing the mum, following her and even following her to the car to prevent her from leaving the house.
• Has ZERO regard for anyone's feelings other than their own.
• Steals money out of mother's wallet, steals their credit card too, has no remorse in buying WHATEVER they want, steals expensive alcohol from parent's home.
• Overall a serious sociopath who is not responsive to any verbal communication like 'you're hurting your mother doing this etc.'. Sometimes she will just snap and scream at the top of her lungs like she's crazy. ENTIRELY because she's not getting her way. She has a wonderful family, loving mum, a wonderful home, gets many things kids don't get, so has no reason to be upset.

_____________________

So what do people suggest for the mother to do in this situation? Obviously it's really bad and the mum is emotionally exhausted and physically. Has no down time AT ALL, every day is work during day + at night cater to this teenager's demands.

The kid fails to see that she will be living a life on minimum wage (because no education) not able to support any of her wants in the future when she gets kicked out at 18. She can't see this at all for some reason.

Are there really no options in this situation? It's very serious.

[TOM-RO]

Hi @123ooo and a big welcome to the forums. Sounds like a really intense and painful situation for the mother and the teenager and things are really escalating. I hear how serious this whole situation is. Can I ask if you are a friend to the mother? I can hear you really care about her. 

I can imagine the mother must be feeling completely exhausted and overwhelmed having to manage her daughter, work, provide, protect as well as look after herself. Do you think the mother would be open to trying the online coaching available through reachout? The hard part in these situations is sometimes the child/teenager is not in a place or is not willing to access support so the best thing a parent can do is focus on making sure they have their own supports in place so they can try different strategies and approaches. I’ve attached the link here if you would like to pass it on to the mother. Another great service is Parentline on 1300 30 1300. The mother can talk about the specifics of the situation and get some support around the issues she is dealing with. 

The fact that the teenager has withdrawn and is blocking the world out shows that she is struggling and is hurting too and in the storm of this all- it's important to remember that as hard as that can be. Acknowledging someone else’s pain can help us to manage our own feelings. 

I’ll tag some users in the forum who might be able to jump in and share their thoughts and experiences @Sister @taokat @sunflowermom 

[sunflowermom]

Hi @123ooo

I am so sorry this family is going through this crisis.  I understand you must feel helpless as well.  Sometimes we get completely overrun by our teens behavior and sometimes it can seem to come out of the blue.  I agree with @TOM-RO I think the mom could definitely benefit from some one on one parent support to help figure out some strategies to start with. I know how it feels to be at your wits end and not know how to gain any control over the situation.  

Sounds like this behavior has been going on a while if 3 schools have been tried?  Has ANY counseling been accepted from her even early on even if she wont go now? What are the teens triggers?

Hugs and sending positive energy your way. 

[taokat]

Hi @123ooo, I can understand this must be a very distressing situation for the family and I think the parent coaching and the Parentline that @TOM-RO suggested are great places to start, so I hope the mum can make use of those supports. 

My daughter was very similar in behaviours to the girl you are describing, but we have made fabulous progress by me learning how to parent her differently. It sounds like this girl is really struggling with her emotions and dealing with disappointment, and knows how to get her way with her mum. Teens learn very quickly how to get what they want but at 16 it's more a developmental stage rather than any teen being a sociopath. When the behaviour works, they continue to use it. It is so, so difficult to deal with as a parent, but learning new ways of communication can work wonders. There's a link here that gives some great info and things to try in regards to effective communication that the mum might like to read. 

Does the mum have any boundaries in place around physical violence? I got to learn why my daughter acted out violently which gave me way more understanding towards her, although the behaviour was still  unacceptable and needed non-negotiable boundaries put in place for the safety of us both. It's great to remember that it's their behaviours we don't like, not them.  

It's so lovely of you to reach out for help on behalf of mum, you're obvioulsy a concerned friend. Having supports is so important when times are so tough.