I am a single mum with a 10 year old child. My child is a very smart very savvy, who researches everything and is really REALLY resistant to learning about mental health from others, especially me. (They are also gender fluid so ignore the pronoun switch, all is singular). She has huge explosive behaviour since very young, but it hasn't changed with age. She has obsessions, and tics, and stim like behaviour as well...
We have explored the possibility of ASD/ADHD without much success, but their is a lot of traits that fit, there is also some history of DV, when she was with her dad, almost entirely not physical and am unsure of the severity of the psychological stuff, she doesn't communicate with me about him, once I realised it was beyond grumpy / personality clash stuff I was able to intervene - she has very limited and supervised contact now, at her request, I would never make her see him if it wasn't her choice.
He has a recent diagnosis of ASD, and I suspect PTSD, depression, anxiety.
She has self diagnosed as OCD and does have traits of this also... She is a hoarder, and gets emotionally attached to things, like EVERYTHING, and she tries to self manage this by not going out, not looking at stuff, and not wanting anything. She is no longer allowed to take the recycling out or the rubbish out because it ends up in their room, as precious.
Anyway, so today we had a blow up, with her yelling and screaming and crying, and this started because I wanted to get her to help with a few jobs, tidying etc. and I asked and while I was in her room I noticed a puddle in the corner near the bed, some water spilt on paper I thought, so I asked that it be cleaned up, which resulted in her aggressively insisting that I leave her room, I did, and gave her some time to calm down, then went back to get her moving, I was met with verbal abuse, and real aggression, long story short I took her computer and tablet away which resulted in her insistence that she be allowed to close a tab on her tablet. It was the most important thing in the world and I had to let her close it or she'd know I hate her etc. I have played this scenario through so much that I know if I were to allow her to do this that this small fixation will immediately switch to something else to stay in that heightened state. I did lose my temper a little here and raise my voice, trying to get her to leave the space. It went on for maybe half an hour, I mostly kept my cool, I ended up saying that I would look at what was on the tablet if she kept yelling, which she did, so I did (I add here that I have had previous conversations with them around it not being possible for me to guarantee privacy for her at such a young age, and that it is really important that I understand what she's into and talking to, but I do try to maintain some privacy within that, and really I wasn't concerned with what she was looking at, she is really mature in some ways but her idea of looking up rebellious stuff is still really, well, ten year old stuff).
SO she yelled some horrible stuff, and tried to get violent, I restrained her and I admit I was rough with her, I got her into her bedroom and closed the door to give myself a breather, after I went back I was able to talk her down, and I finally realised what had started it all, It was the **bleep** puddle in the corner... it was saliva (!), she'd been spitting on the paper, and (remember I said hoarder) she was saving it, and desperately scared I was going to throw it out, and also desperately ashamed that she'd done it and felt that way....
sigh
We talked it through once I understood the problem, and things got calmer. I asked why I couldn't see what she was looking at on the computer as it was totally fine, and she said that it felt like I didn't love her and that asking me not to do that (and me doing it anyway) was proof I didn't... we talked a little about it being hard for me to be tested when I don't know that is what is happening and my responsibility to keep her safe online...
so I am stuck between 2 questions, and hay both might be true, is my child mentally ill or am I a horrible parent.
She says I don't love her and I 'gaslight' her when I go from yelling to trying to calm things and show empathy... and I do think when she is heightened she is genuinely scared of me... I hate to see and admit that, but she is, I don't think I have earned that, but I understand there is outside influence here as well,.. also I know that yelling is **bleep** and I do my own therapy to try to do better in this.. Also sometimes I am so lost in this and what is causing the problem that I don't have the patience and understanding that I should.
What do I do here, what if I am just a terrible parent and trying to make it her fault? How can I tell? My psychologist is lovely and affirming of me, but like, that's their job, what if I am a gaslighting monster?
:-(
