daughter hostialized twice for suicidal intentions- im grieving

[sunflowermom]

Hi @1stressedmum

I am sorry you are going through this.  It feel so scary and helpless as a parent when our daughters are going through emotional issues and it doesn't feel like we can do anything to fix it.  I think the counselor is a great tool of support for our teens even though I am sometimes hurt that she doesn't just come to me with every detail.  I have been told to keep reminding her that I am here for her when and if she is ready to talk.  Beyond that there is sometimes not much we can do.  I too feel frustrated that after a hospitalization  they are kind of just put out to work things out....

I know for our family group and family therapy does seem to help.  I feel supported by other parents in hat setting and I get new ideas to keep moving forward.

Sending you hugs @1stressedmum I know this is a tough and heart breaking road.

[1stressedmum]

Hi
I did speak to her Counciler and told her how I feel about her moving out. She does agree that it would be better to stay home and try to get through the HSC with home support. I’ll be speaking face to face with her next week.
Last night she left for a party which she had not told me about. I called to see if she would be coming home or staying at a girlfriends and she said she would come home, then I checked my phone when I woke up this morning and she had sent me a message at 3.30 to say she had fallen asleep and wouldn’t be coming home.
How do I know she’s safe. I’m supposed to trust her, give her space but I know she has been drinking before at parties which has lead to bad thoughts.
Now do I have to wait and hope she talks to me about last night or is it reasonable to bring up the subject of safety in coming home.
My husband just seems to get cross at her actions which is one reason she doesn’t want to live at home.
I haven’t told the rest of the family, just her sisters.
I feel guilty for her harming herself.

[Lan-RO]

Hi @1stressedmum great to hear that you spoke to the Counsellor and that you'll be speaking to your daughter about home support. I'm sorry to hear that your daughter didn't come home last night after the party, that's always a scary thought when we just want our kids home safe. At the very least, it was good she was able to send you a message to let you know. I think it would be reasonable to bring up the subject of safety in coming home, as safety always comes first. I can understand the apprehension of wanting to wait to see if she brings it up first, it really comes down to what you're comfortable with. It's always hard when we want to give them space and trust but at the same time don't want to ignore the fact that they may be putting themselves at risk. Communication is really a fine art at times, especially when we feel like we're walking on egg shells. I'm sorry to hear you are feeling guilty for her harming herself, please know that this is not your fault. You are an incredibly caring and loving mother who is doing the best she can for her daughter.  How are you looking after yourself during this time? 

[taokat]

Hey @sunflowermom, how are you feeling now? I’m so sorry to hear about your daughter’s pregnancy scare. I can totally relate to how you were feeling, and I think it’s okay to withdraw from the situation to get ourselves together again. It must be frustrating carrying the load on your own, and we have our limits. You’re so right though, we seem to somehow pull it together and keep going! Belated hugs, and extras in case you’re in need now 

And welcome @1stressedmum, I’m glad you’ve found us - a safe place to share and be supported. I really wanted to assure you as well that your daughter self harming is not your fault. I have felt the same though, and wondered what I’m doing wrong for my daughter to be self harming again. It’s hard not to feel guilty as a parent, whether it’s rational or not I’ve found! 

I think it’s reasonable to have a talk with your daughter around safety. It is great that she did text but I can appreciate you want to know she’s safe. I just try to keep the lines of communication open and have told my daughter that her safety is my priority over whether she’s been drinking or smoking, and I can only hope she’ll call me if she ever needs to while out. It is difficult letting go and allowing them to make some mistakes, but if they know we’re there to support them through whatever happens I think that’s often the best we can do at this age.

Hang in there, and remember we’re here to support you 

[sunflowermom]

Hi @taokat

So I totally lost my mind this weekend.  On Friday night I went into my daughters room to talk about her depression- she has been wanting to get off her meds even though depression has not been much better.  Anyway, she was telling me that she wished to run away and is willing to do anything on the streets to survive including prostitution.  I got so fearful of the possibility of what she was telling me I turned it all inward and went nuts.  I guess it lasted for about a half hour- I screamed at the top of my lungs for 1/2 hour ( my husband says). All my muscles locked up.  Horrible feeling of loss of control.  The thing is typically I don't even yell at my husband or children so this was way out of character.  I am so upset my younger daughter had to see it too.  I feel guilty and sad and nothing was even resolved.  Not sure where to go from here- except carry on.  I am so tired of the crushing pain I feel do to my child's illness.  I know that's a selfish thing to say- but I am finding it impossible to keep my sh*t together.  And I have an entire family that relies on me.

[Jess1-RO]

Hi @sunflowermom,

I am really sorry to hear what you experienced over the weekend- I can imagine how painful and distressing that conversation with your daughter must have been When a conversation like that comes out of left field, it can be hard to prepare yourself and reactions. I want you to know that no matter what, we support you and believe in you 

That feeling of loss of control must be so hard  What supports do you have in place for yourself in the coming days to manage the feelings of sadness and guilt that you have mentioned in your post? Do you have someone you can talk to about it?

It sounds like it must be really scary to hear that your daughter is wanting to run away. Have you spoken to her mental health professionals about this conversation? I'm wondering if they will be able to give some more insight into why your daughter is feeling this way and how they can support her to make safe decisions. That is such a tough situation you are in right now, and we are always here if you need to speak to other people about it.

My heart really goes out to you today- that is such a hard situation you are in right now and we are thinking of you 

I did just have to edit out a few of the details to meet our community guidelines 

[taokat]

Oh @sunflowermom, what a frightening and heartbreaking situation to be in and I’m so so sorry to hear. You’re an incredible mum and your reaction to your daughter’s words is completely understandable, and doesn’t change the fact that you are such a wonderful mum. 

I’ve been dealing with similar feelings of guilt and sadness as I also lost it on Saturday. My depression has been affecting me and I got upset at my daughter for not helping out, who then turned around and metaphorically stuck the knife in, blasted my insecurities, which got me to screaming at the top of my lungs too. All this while I was in the shower, and I got out and she was gone, phone switched off. 90 minutes later I get a desperate apologetic text - she’d attempted suicide again, had me speeding to kfc to get her from the bathroom and off to hospital, where she still is. I’m heartbroken, but also dealing with anger and sadness because this wasn’t how it was meant to be!! I can totally relate to those feelings you have and ashamedly my feelings are because I feel like I’m failing at the most important job I’ve ever had and I’m not coping with that. In my screaming I said to my daughter I shouldn’t have been a mum. I screwed up really badly!! 

I’m wondering where we go from here too. My daughter and I have had a bit of a chat and said our apologies, and she’s mentally doing ok now but I’m not. When she comes home we’ll have a good talk and I’ll explain myself and my reaction to her. But I’m scared - is this going to be what she does if we argue? 

And I am sorry to hijack your thread! I was going to start another but after reading your post I really felt connected with you and what you’ve been through. I’ve been dragging myself over the coals but then I try and think “is that what you’d say to a parent on the forum? No! Well stop being so judgemental towards myself.” Easier said than done as we’re our own harshest critics. 

Please take some some time out for yourself and be kind to yourself. Parenting isn’t easy and we all have our breaking point, and hearing your daughter would do anything she needed to survive on the street is frightening and panic is a completely understandable reaction. 

Sending you love and big hugs 

[sunflowermom]

Hey @taokat

I am so very sorry to hear about your daughter's attempt this weekend.  Thank goodness she texted you right away.  I am glad she is safe right now.  I understand how you must feel right now.  Please remember you are an incredible mom and you are ALWAYS there for your daughter.  I have said things I wish I can take back too- but mostly I wish I would have just left my daughters room when she asked me to leave her alone.  But we have our breaking points too.  And no matter how many times we dust ourselves off after some incredible crisis with our daughter I think a piece of our heart breaks off just a little bit.  My husband asked me to reach out to my counselor and possible get on meds again.  I will have to keep pushing towards more self care even though I want to crawl into a hole.

@taokatplease take care of yourself this week and I promise to do the same.  I know we must not only for our sake but for our daughters too.  Sending huge hugs!  You will be in my thought today! ps: you did not hijack my thread

Thank you @Jess1-RO for your sweet encouraging words.  When you post it gives me strength.  They are just the right sentiments to help me keep pushing through when I feel I cant take anymore crisis.

[taokat]

Thank you so much for your encouraging words @sunflowermom. The regrets - it’s really awful thinking back to that point that in hindsight we realise we should’ve done things differently. 

I have a bowl of these little cards, all with just one word on each. I picked out 2 on Saturday - Communication, and Beauty. Communication was a no brainer but I’m still trying to figure out the Beauty. 

I’m so glad my daughter texted me when she did too. I panicked, then was frustrated because they couldn’t do anything for 4 hours, then couldn’t stop crying which was very embarrassing in ER. 

I agree our hearts are chipped away at, and I think that contributes to us reaching our breaking points. Seeing your counsellor is a really good idea, and I’m going to do the same. Let’s make that part of our self care plan. 

Keep in touch and let us know how you and your daughter are going. I’ll be thinking of you too 

[sunflowermom]

I have had another most devastating night imaginable.  I have come to find out my daughter has been having many different guys come to our house whenever not home for sex.  She has been doing this at school too.  She is just 15.  I am sick, devastated, broken.  I believe she may have a sex addiction at this point.  She has been meeting these guys on on- line dating sites.  She would not unlock her phone to show me the extent.  She said she would rather me destroy her phone and not have a phone ever again.  Which she may never get back...EVER 

Last night may have been one of the worst nights in my life.  I am grieving so much still my chest wont stop hurting.  I know my daughter feels like she has nothing to live for and has lost all hope and care for herself.  I am now truly beyond fearful of her running away and prostituting herself.  Her utter contempt for herself is devastating.

I am writing this at work on 3 hours sleep.

Thank God we have an appointment with her therapist today.  I want to tell her school counselor to keep an eye on her at school but I don't want to give details why because they may kick her out. Now it also worries me w/o her cell phone I have no way of communication with her at school.

I am so deeply frightened beyond words for our current situation and the future.

Dear @taokat - I hope and pray your week is going better.