my 16yr old son has failed yr11 and desperately wants to repeat would you let him?

[Mitzi]

This is a tough decision. I see red flags with "big gestures" like selling his computer - I understand he's trying to show you he's done with the the constant gaming but doesn't he need a computer for school? Also the deal with wanting to show his old teachers he can change and do the work.  It's all "elaborate" and "dramatic" and I fear he he is telling you what you want to hear - not necessarily with any malice in mind as I do believe he wants to turn things around.

Thing is he only has to prove that to you and to himself. No big production number of "I'll show them" is needed.  While I love the idea of a Police mentor I feel that in practicial terms you might be able to get a meeting and a chat and some brochures. But an ongoing commitment is a big ask.

Let's keep the choices small for him: Year 11 at (a) new school or (b) TAFE, Review progress at 3 months.

[Aussiemom]

I did think the same thing that he's only telling me what I want to hear and I really hope that he's not but I guess I have to trust him and seeing how his behaviour at home has improved so much at home with me and towards his sisters is huge. He does still have issues with his father and they currently not talking because his dad has told him that he's a loser and a no hoper and has pretty much given up on him where as I can't do that I need to support him as much as I can even thou it has put a huge strain on my marriage. If my boy wants to repeat all I can see is the benefit of that I'll just have to keep on top of it and **bleep** it works. 

[Mitzi]

He's lucky to have you still optimistic and hopeful; still believing in him. That's what mothers are supposed to do isn't it? How do you manage when you have to try and keep the peace between your son and his father? I can understand your husband getting upset and disappointed at your son but we have to find a better way than it ending with a father calling his child a loser and no-hoper. That's not on. If your son repeats Year 11 Dad and Son have minimum 2 more years under the same roof and home needs to be our haven.

Have you considered some family counsellinging? Just as you and your husband need to feel you can trust your son to make a go of repeating Year 11, your son needs to be able to trust that his Dad hasn't written him off. Everyone sounds like they are under pressure with you trying especially hard to keep the marriage and family harmonious. 

Do you have other kids @Aussiemom? Are you taking care of yourself - sleeping enough etc?

What about we pack Dad and Son off for a wilderness weekend where they have to bond and rely on each other to survive - just like in the movies?  I'm being an idiot to try and get you to smile, I just want you to know that I get how tough this is - trying to please everyone. 

Keep trying to include his Dad in discussions even if it seems he would rather be excluded. Talk to the school, work out some program of work that your son can do between now and the end of the year to demonstrate his commitment to improving his grades, If he does that, let him repeat Year 11 on the understanding that it's on a term-by-term basis. Explain that a career in the police force sounds great, but he needs to show some self-discipline, some sound judgement and some maturity first and that you and his Dad have his back and want him to succeed.

[Kalis]

Wow @Aussiemom, I'm sorry to hear those kinds of comments are what you are facing! It is certainly difficult to support when there's unhelpful messages like that being directed at your son. It's clear you are doing your best and you are providing a lot of care and kindness – something that your son will no doubt appreciate even if he doesn't communicate that.

You mentioned that his behaviour towards his sisters has improved, do you think there is anything in particular that has driven this?

[NickiPower]

Hi @Aussiemom, generally there are School Liason Officers in the Police Force, it may be an idea to see if you can connect with one of them and they can let your son know what the requirements are to get in. Perhaps this may be able to give your son some clear direction so he can work towards his goal. 

[Luula]

Hey @Aussiemom how are things going? Did you land on a decision about whether your son repeats year 11 or goes to TAFE?

[Aussiemom]

Hi Luula, we have made the decision with the school that if he could get all his over due assignments done over the holidays he can go thru to yr 12. So he had 6 assignments and finished  the last one last night thank god. He has been really good and wanting to finish them so yr 12 here he comes.  I've had long talks with him about attitude and willness  to finish school so now it's up to him as he's 17 in December and and any stuff up he's out. So fingers crossed 

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[Luula]

That is so great to hear @Aussiemom!!

I know you were a little worried that he was just telling you wanted to hear, but it seems like he's backed it up with action if he has completed all of his overdue assignments. How do you feel about his commitment levels now?

Definitely keeping my fingers crossed for you but getting him through to year 12 is fantastic and I hope you're allowing yourself a proud mum moment in amongst all this.

[Aussiemom]

I feel ok about his commitments but honestly I just have to trust him to do the right thing. And in the end if he can't do it than that's his desicion and he has to live with the consequences. I can't keep holding his hand anymore. As much as I love him he has to grow up and commit 

[Mitzi]

@Aussiemom this is a great outcome! HE is showing commitment getting all thos assignments done, and YOU are showing that you love and support him but it's time to start being a grown-up.

I wish you both the very best! My son is 17 in November and some days I think he's so brilliant and cultured and other days I think there's no way on earth he could fend for himself.