I wish you the very best. Your niece is lucky to have you. I also support the suggestion of martial arts training because of the benefits for health and fitness, release of aggression, self-control and inner peace. ... View more

We are not able to give you legal advice @Roundell12. From the perspective of another parent I would say yes, looks pretty much like you have the food, shelter & clothing thing covered.   Two other things I want to add.   I used to be that defiant, rebellious, ungrateful teenage girl and ended up leaving home at 15. Fast forward 30 years and at the 1st sign of resistance from my then-15-y-o son I was Googling adopting-out teenagers. So if you are posting because you are at your wit's end and can't believe who your beautiful baby girl has turned into then maybe I can help. Just let me know. ... View more

Hi @just-me   I agree it's such a great sign that your daughter has come to you for help. I'm in a similar situation to you as a single parent with a teen in Year 11 except I have a son.   With him, my GP was able to arrange 10 subsidised visits to a psychologist under the Medicare Better Health Plan. I negotiated to pay $50 per visit on top of the rebate. It was worth it.   Not sure where you are writing from but can you access Headspace services? And I looked on the Reachout.com young people site and found this great resource from Beyond Blue.   Also you could check with her school. Does she have access to a school counsellor or can they recommend a youth worker? I guess it depends on the extent of your daughter's illness. With my son, he flourished when he could just talk to someone (his pyschologist) without fear of being judged and he responded very well to cognitive-behavioral tools. My GP also felt he needed to be on Zoloft.   There are psychiatrists (and other health professionals) who will bulk-bill if you are not too ashamed to ask (and I am not!) So you do have choices. Hope this helps; I'd be pleased to hear how you go. ... View more

I have a fairly simplistic view. I think we all have our addictions in various forms. Mine were cigarettes, shopping and food. Parenthood costs cured my shopping problem. My 17-y-o son grew up with me and extended family members smoking and he hated it, I finally gave up 18 months ago. He has was always on at me to quit and would present me with the latest findings he had brought home from school.   I've talked to my son about my own underage drinking. Hell, I was working in a pub at 15. I talked to him about the sequence of hating the taste feeling good and happy after 1 drink so surely after 10 I'll feel magnificent binge-drinking to oblivion and experiencing blackouts unearthly god-forsaken hangovers. With my son, I know he has an apple cider now and then but so far no blotto drunkeness to my knowledge. He knows I smoked marijuana at university and I told him even though I haven't had it for many years, I support medicinal use. I told him I thought he would probably try it but that he had to be aware it was against the law and he could be charged. Since that, he told me he did try it but wasn't overly impressed.   With our kids it can just be the luck of the draw. My aunt has 4 children all brought up with love, support and every possible privilege. Her younger son has battled heroin addiction his entire adult life. Why did he succumb to that and the other 3 not?   If I had a point in mind when I started writing this post, I've lost it. Maybe it was just to make sure your teenager is well informed, understands how drugs and alcohol can lead us to make very bad choices, And hope for the best. Because they will experiment.   ... View more

I know I'm often quite blunt so apologies if I say something wrong.   Your daughter is walking all over you @Lizzy. She wants to be grownup, defiant, secretive and self-destructive - but she is 14! I think I would try to give her a big bear hug every day and say "you can talk to me. I love you and always will". Do it every day. Even when she is driving you crazy.   I would let her know the effect her behaviour is having on the rest of the family; make her understand how she is hurting the people who love her. Not in an accusing way - just stating the facts. I think it would be good for you two to do something hands-on and useful together: knitting, gardening, baking a cake etc. Stop tip-toeing around her and give her some more of "my house, my rules" because honestly I think she needs someone to shout "Enough! Let's work this out." ... View more

Yes it is unacceptable that the school did not contact you. I would put it in writing. then they have to respond. I hope you don;t have to take your daughter to a new school.  Does she want to leave or does she prefer to try and move on from the incident? On the positive side, they managed the bully well by the sounds of it.   Send them a letter and simply ask for an explanation on why you were not contacted.   Looking forward to hearing how you go. ... View more

No need to say sorry, I think it can be very cathartic to get all that stuff out.  What I take from you post is:   loving husband of 28 years great grown-up kids supportive psycologist  good relationship with grandmother, Your neice is in great hands, how lucky for her that you are around to offer stability. Sure it must feel overwhelming at times, but you can do this. ... View more

I think you have handled it exceptionally well @Mumofthree! It's a minefield out there, we can't wrap them in cottonwool but gosh it is so easy to get in over your head, I think your assessment sounds spot on. Don't forget to tell her that the cute Harry Styles guy on Tindr might be some disgusting reprobate that shuns sunlight with a long list of break and enter offences.  ... View more

Lizzy   Stop and take a breath. A big deep breath. I've read through all your posts and I feel the fear, sadness, confusion and how you are rushing around trying to keep your teenage daughter safe and I cry for you. I cannot for the life of me think of a parent who is doing more for their child.   Whatever darkness is haunting your daughter can't be shared right now because she doesn't feel it's safe to tell you. That's disturbing and frustrating but it's OK. She knows you are there to listen if she wants to talk. There's so many things a 14-y-o thinks are "the end of the world" that we would't give a second thought about. How dreadful could it be that she can't tell you? Suicidal thoughts? Thinks she's gay? Had sex?   Self-harm Instagram accounts? Jesus Mary and Joseph! Although I shouldn't be surprised as I remember a plethora of teen anorexia sites 10 years ago when that was the self-destruction du jour. If I sound disdainful it's because I am. And angry that a kid can't just be a kid and if any bullying went on the parents would talk, the bully would be pulled into line and everyone was happy again.   Keep telling her you love her "no matter what." I agree with an earlier suggestion of telling her how much it hurts you to see her hurt herself. There was an excellent program on SBS Insight on this topic and it was so surprising to hear the reasons people have for hurting themselves. "Because I'm disgusting." or "Because everyone else is disgusting." in other words, there is - of course - no logical reason. It is a mental illness.   I think it's a wonderful idea for her to spend time each week at her grandmother's house. Great for both of you. It's Friday so I hope you get so well-deserved relaxation. Let me know how you go, I'll check in over the weekend. Warm wishes and hugz to you @Lizzy ... View more

Hi @Elena   It's so great to hear some good news. Your daughter has someone she cares for, and who cares for her - that's what every parent wants for their child. I'm glad you didn't look for us a year or two ago as the Parents' site only started in April. But I'm happy that you did find us and so grateful that you could share your story and its positive message.  Especially the part where your love for your daughter shines through. ... View more

How are you doing @Sadie? How is your daughter? ... View more

Hi @taziness - are you doing OK? Let me see if I understand the issues troubling you.   .tg {border-collapse:collapse;border-spacing:0;border-color:#aaa;} .tg td{font-family:Arial, sans-serif;font-size:14px;padding:10px 5px;border-style:solid;border-width:1px;overflow:hidden;word-break:normal;border-color:#aaa;color:#333;background-color:#fff;} .tg th{font-family:Arial, sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;padding:10px 5px;border-style:solid;border-width:1px;overflow:hidden;word-break:normal;border-color:#aaa;color:#fff;background-color:#f38630;} .tg .tg-j2zy{background-color:#FCFBE3;vertical-align:top} .tg .tg-9hbo{font-weight:bold;vertical-align:top} .tg .tg-yw4l{vertical-align:top} Issue Your daughter You Issue 1: Privacy Keeps a no-holds-barred diary Read her diary without permission. Feel guilty about that. Found out some things which alarm you Issue 2: Safe sex Had a threesome including some or all unsafe vaginal/anal/oral sex Believe her sexual activity to be both unsafe and disrespectful to her Issue 3: Perspective Wants to be liked. Has 2 young males who like her. Sees nothing wrong with having sex Feel your daughter is being used and treated shabbily Issue 4: Mental health Suffers from anxiety/depression, low self-esteem, possibly self-harming Are afraid for your daughter and fighting to get her the appropriate guidance   With the diary, she is entitled to her privacy and you will have to rebuild the trust there. But you wouldn't be the first and won't be the last parent to do some snooping. It's done now, apologise, reassure her it won't happen again and don't beat yourself up any more.   With safe sex you are right, but that doesn't mean she will listen to you. She lives away from home during the week so the best you can do is explain that STIs happen to "nice" people as well and they can be deadly.   With your perspective I have to say that unfortunately, the attitudes your daughter is describing are quite prevalent. And I say that as the mother of a teenage son who is, I believe, respectful of women. He has told me what his peers engage in, the best I can do is drill the values I believe in and hope they have rubbed off. There are some good articles on ReachOut's under-25 site which you could show her here.   As far as her mental health, yes it's tedious have to tell her life story all over again to a new counsellor, but isn't it worth it if it can improve her life? She's over 18 (I'm assuming) so your job as a parent is to let her know how much you love her, how important her happiness is to you, and to tell her - honestly - that you are afraid for her.     Best wishes!   ... View more

Hello @MumEJ   I can really relate to what you're going through. I realised over the past year that I needed to change the way I spoke to my (just turned 17) son. I stopped "telling" and started "asking" or negotiating. Just like your son, mine is now a young adult so the dynamic between us has changed.   It's hard sometimes when I feel like everything I say is being challenged and has to be justified. Hard not to just shout "Because I said so!!"   I wouldn't get your gentleman friend to speak to him, I don't think that's a good idea and think it could make things worse. It is nice though that he supports you.   What helped me was to think: if I was at work, how would I ask someone to do this?   The other thing with the arguing is: choose your battle! Is it really worth arguing over? Are you really listening to your son's responses?   I would get so angry with my son that I'd Google teenage adoption.   My son magically changed from surly to willing to listen the first time I said to him "I'm sorry. I shouldn't speak to you that way. You're a young man now. I'll try to remember that."   You  are a loving Mum; I can tell that from the way you write. I think you can work it out. ... View more

Hello @LovingThruBlue   It's so reassuring to hear you have: a great GP a hospital team helping you navigate this period a daughter who still trusts you and talks to you honestly I admire that even though you have this, you are still doing your own research to become more informed on your daughter's illness and treatment.   Please remember that as a "Parent Peer Supporter" I am here to share my lived experience as opposed to providing answers as if I was a trained mental health professional.   Having said that, I do have a couple of things I'd like to share after reading your last post. Firstly, don't be scared of the in-patient suggestion. If she needs that level of support temporarily then do it. Ask your daughter if she's willing to try it for x number of days so it is a voluntary decision and admission. The other thing is (and oh I am a rotten mother for saying this - too bad) if she spends some time as an inpatient that is respite time for the family - a time to recalibrate with the certainty that your daughter is in safe hands   Secondly, the "not telling them everything" could just be a barrier while she learns to trust the health team (as you said). Sometimes with depression we have thoughts which are so black that we feel if we share them, people would despise us and abandon us. These thoughts are just ramblings of the brain rather than feelings we might act on, however they make us feel too ashamed and too horrible to share. Or it the depressive illness where we just feel we want to be dead - I'm not talking about thoughts of actively achieving this - just the feeling "I wish I was dead" so that the pain, the helplessness, the hopelessness, the shame, would stop.   I feel optimistic for you. Let me know how you're doing. ... View more

Today I am grateful for:   Being allowed to work from home some days My sisters It's the weekend! ... View more

Hi @LovingThruBlue, we are glad you found us as well! As a teenager I was in a similar position to your daughter.   I feel desperately sad for you. This period is so uncomfortable, so unfamiliar. You almost want to bubble-wrap her to protect her from the world, and from herself.   The single most important thing right now is to get her a therapist she likes and trusts. Without wanting to presume I know your exact circumstances I am concerned when you say your "sharps, medications etc are locked up". That's not sustainable long-term and in the short-term immediate family will be worn down by exhaustion of having to be "on guard" and alert all the time.   Your daughter is dealing with an illness. An illness which needs to be treated with medication and cognitive-behavioural strategies to help her manage that illness. I can understand why "she doesn't want people to know". People look at you differently when you tell them you have a mental illness. You see in their faces fear, pity, confusion, embarrassment and - occasionally - understanding.    You're right, it's a long road to recovery. It takes time before the whole family can sit together and relax, and not be self-censoring every word so as not to say the wrong thing or "trigger" an unpleasant episode.   So how do you cope? One foot in front of the other, repeat. The right therapist, an understanding GP, being able to connect with people who have had similar experiences (us!). If she's missing school or activities at the moment well so be it. It won't always be this way.   She's very lucky to have you as a parent.   Take care of yourself until we connect again.         ... View more

Having inspired @Kalis, I'm going to practice what I preach!   Rewiring my brain for positive ready set go:   Today I am grateful for: The fact that I could finally afford a lovely laptop The luxury of Coles home delivery No pain in my leg todayI think my back surgery has worked   ... View more

I was reading something over the weekend which said the act of writing down (or typing into you phone) three things you are grateful for - every day for 21 days - can actually rewire our brains to be more positive.   It's similar to the article @Sophie-RO linked to earlier in this thread but was a new study. I'm going to try it. Found the link. ... View more

I'm glad my son inherited my bleeding heart crusader tendency. He goes about it in a more reasoned, gentle way than I do so I'm happy about that as well. ... View more

He has bounced back. I'm still bitter. hahahaha ... View more

I would try a simple combination of meditation and positive self-talk. Teach her to: Take a deep breath and slowly let it out Say "I have studied and prepared for this exam. I know this stuff. I can do this."   Repeat if necessary!   I can remember in Year 6 becoming very anxious about my exams. My mother gave me a little set of holy medals (we were Catholic in those days!) and said "I took these medals with me to every test and I never failed an exam." I took the medals and I neval failed an exam. At 12, I believed those medals would magically help me pass exams. Holding them made me confident.   I say do whatever works. ... View more

Come back any time @Aussiemom - even it it's just to "vent" :-)     ... View more

@Aussiemom this is a great outcome! HE is showing commitment getting all thos assignments done, and YOU are showing that you love and support him but it's time to start being a grown-up.   I wish you both the very best! My son is 17 in November and some days I think he's so brilliant and cultured and other days I think there's no way on earth he could fend for himself. ... View more

He is a world away from the 14-y-o anxious, depressed, timid boy he was 2 years ago thanks to a lot a work from our GP, a great psychologist and me trying :just listening instead of always trying to fix things for him. ... View more

Thanks @Kalis. The social media trap is the worst. He asked me if it was mean to de-friend her as he was having problems dealing with seeing her so happy and obviously unaffected by the breakup. I explained we mostly put our happy, successful, carefree face on social media. I asked it he could "mute" her for a while. I reminded him of my own history of burning my bridges and not wanting him to make the same mistakes.   He said "I think I'm goig to remove her from Snapchat just for my own mental health".   Isn't he impressive? And Snapchat is the DEVIL ... View more

I just came across an article and I really like the swimming analogy and 5 points listed in becoming "a wall" that your child can swim to:   1. Anticipate that kids will push off. When your child swims to you, enjoy it, but don’t be surprised when they distance themselves from you. That’s part of their journey from dependence to independence. 2. Rally your own support. Who in your life is the wall that you need, so that you can be a wall of support for young people? And I’ll add a few more… 3. Be aware of your own anger and self-protection. I’m most likely to move away from my kids when they tick me off, or when they raise painful (and unresolved) issues in my own life. 4. Watch out for fatigue. While the source of the phrase “Fatigue makes cowards of us all” is unknown (with possibilities ranging from Vince Lombardi to General Patton), it could have been written by a tired parent. Last night at dinner, I wasn’t the parent I wanted to be—not because I lacked skill or knowledge. I simply lacked sleep. 5. Help teenagers have multiple walls—not just you. As a parent, you can’t be the only wall for your child. Our Sticky Faith research continues to showcase the importance of young people having a team of adults who combine to form a fortress of support. In an era when young people often feel like they are splashing around in deep waters, I want my kids—and your kids too—to know that they can find refuge in their parents.   The full article is here ... View more

@Workinghardmum go and get a bag of Lindt chocolate right now! You are THE BEST. I'm not a doctor but I diagnose that's not guilt you're feeling -- no place for guilt here -- that feeling is RELIEF!! You made it girlfriend and you got your beloved daughter into a mental health program. You are AWESOME. Look at all the positives in your post - let's concentrate on those for a minute: my 17 year old reached out for help this is a major step and im so proud of her She has been admtted ... and is getting the help she needs She is doing so well she is allowed day release for 4 hours i am so strong on the inside i know she can do this See? Now to begin with, can you take a hot bath and get some sleep? Do you have other children and if so could they have a sleepover at a friend/relative to give you some me-time?  Here is a great thread on how other parents take care of themselves. ... View more

Hey @messylife how are you doing? Well that's easy, I think your'e very stressed about your home life! Has something happened that you feel you have to make a decision or os it all just wearing you down? has your wife indicated she can't manage the way things are? you say your 10-y-o doesn't get on with anyone in the blended house - does that include you? what's the situation with the 10-y-o's mother - does the child have her own room and no other siblings in that household? what does your 10-y-o want to do, would she prefer every 2nd weeked rather than 50/50? ... View more