Changing families: separation/divorce/blended families

[Sophie-RO]

Hey guys, I know this cam up so mucha s we were preparing the service, but it's quite common for families to go through change like separation. How do you support your kids through this? @Beekeeper I know you mentioned something about this in your intro - got any wise words to share?

[Mitzi]

Never Brady Bunch easy.

As children of divorced parents, my three sisters and I always thought my father's step-kids had way better stuff than we had. Later found out their good stuff was bought by their Mum not my Dad, but they still HAD OUR DAD and we didn't.

A few years later, think I was about 13, Mum met a fairly nice chap it it became quite serious. We four girls were to inherit three brothers and live happily ever after. Oh but due to space restrictions and his three boys needing their own rooms, the four of us were going to have to share one room. Yeah, that sealed potential step-dad's fate and he soon was off the scene.

When I was 17 Mum married my step-father. My three sisters lived and travelled with them as he was a doctor in the Navy, I'd started training as a nurse and so lived at the hospital nurses' residence. (Olden days). He has been part of the family ever since and a much loved grandad to our kids.

My godson (12) rang me in tears a few months back to tell me his parents were divorcing and I ached with pain for his grief. I tried to help him by saying I knoe exactly how it feels, how you are sad and scared and angry.

But this is life. And we adapt and create new bonds and work hard to maintain old ties. And we try not to disillusion our kids about love and happily ever after.

[Sophie-RO]

Thanks so much for these insights @Mitzi, you are such a wonderful storyteller!

[readthemanual]

totally agree! @Sophie-RO, @Mitzi always gives us insight by sharing her experiences!

family businesses are always complicated so it is hard to give advice. But I would say if we take our children as an important stake holder of separation/divorce/blended family and discuss things with them frankly, it might be easier for both of us. At least we would be on the same side.

[Sophie-RO]

How about some of out new members - @Warriorgirl or @Rubyrose - do you - or friends/family have experience with separation or changing families?

[tenacious_dad]

Hi guys 

My personal experience with separation involving kids is that it is never easy! I have been separated from the kid's mother for about 8 years or so. Unfortunately things had deteriorated to the point where it has adversely affected the kids (boys 15 & 16, daughter 9).  

My eldest son has been depressed, had suicidal thoughts, self harmed, had a lot of "issues" with school and has dropped out of year 10. My younger son has missed up to about half of year 8 hiding in his room and has been depressed. My daughter has been taken from my care (50/50) by her mother and is also denied court ordered contact with me. 

That is where we've been.  But with a lot of love and patience things have turned around. The eldest is enrolled in his pre-apprenticeship course, is happier, is on the right medication, and is about to be discharged from his mental health service. The youngest son gets to about 9 out of 10 of his classes (not perfect but I'll take it!),  has reconnected with his peers from his primary school days which has made him more outgoing and so much happier.  The daughter... well I don't get a say. But I know that she loves me and that she knows I love her. To know that will do for now.

To get to this point though has been a rocky road where I've been unable to cope... until I did. Had too. I have learnt the hard way that kids need to see their parents coping and NOT coping because that is what their emotional touch-stone is. It is a reference point for how they behave. And if you try to hide behind a sense of duty and stoicism they will know it as surely as they when you are angry. They will suffer. To admit to your kids that you are wrong, weak or sad IS NOT in itself weak. My boys could immediatley identified with what I was going through and ironically this helped us all to move on.

That ^ and removing the conflict. And in my case that has meant the pleasure of looking after two strapping young lads on a full time basis.

[readthemanual]

@tenacious_dad 

sorry about your past but congratulations on your status with your two sons! I am sure other things will turn around as well as your love will bring all your loved ones to a happier life.

I do believe that we should empower our children in times of change. Yes, if we can, we can keep our children in idea vacuumed world but when things did not work out, to discuss frankly and show them we are equal humans certainly would help in many ways.

[Sophie-RO]

Thanks so much for sharing more of your journey with us @tenacious_dad I loved reading about all you have achieved....